Trivial? YES!!! But what can I do about his God awful hair?

[nightfeedssuck]

Just to preface this - I KNOW this is trivial. I know it is not a 'real' problem in the grand scheme of life. I KNOW it will sound very silly to you - please know that I do know this.

BUT..... here it is - I HATE my partner's hair. I have known him as a friend for 8 years as we have both gone off and done our own thing, traveled, lived our lives etc. and finally we got together Last year. When he reappeared he had swapped his lovely smart short cut for LONG girl hair - down to his nipples. Yuk. We had amazing chemistry - we still do! But he knew that I gravely disliked long hair on men (I really really do!). He cut off all his hair as a gesture to show how much he wanted to be with me (very romantic) and since then things have been wonderful. I love him. I am happy with him.

A year on - and he has stopped cutting his hair. I wouldn't have such a problem with it but
a/ it doesn't suit him at all
b/ it just looks a mess (he looks like Edward Scissor hands currently)

He is, to me, an incredibly attractive man and I miss him looking nice and smart - it is making me angrier everyday! He just looks silly.

I know you'll scream at me "if you love someone it shouldn't matter" but I greatly disagree - and there is a massive double standard. For example - he very honestly said years ago when I had brown hair he didn't like it. Therefore I wouldn't now dye my hair brown. Because I want to be attractive to him. I also wouldn't put on 5 stone because I wouldn't want him to physically go off me! I wouldn't shave my head if he disliked bald women - which i am guessing he does.

If he looked good I wouldn't give a rats - but he does not look good.

I know you can't change a man - and I don't want to change a hair on his head - except the hair on his head! Does anyone have any empathy for me? I suspect no.

(braces self for barrage of 'you materialistic cow bag!' - be kind please).

this is bad

I will also be that person to tell you looks don't matter, or at least his hairstyle doesn't. I see it like this: when you are young, looks do matter, but as you get older and grow together, it's normal for people to experiment or try out new looks or not bother dying their hair or grow a beard and you can't really fix someone in one way as 'attractive' and dismiss every other version of them. In a twenty or thirty year period (say 20-50) your partner will go through stages of wearing things you don't like so much, just as you will also wear/look certain ways that aren't his favourite. If your sexual appeal to each other is so fragile it is extinguished by the length of his hair, it is not that strong. I fancy my partner with long hair, short hair, I don't love it when he grows a beard/moustache (Movember anyone?) but I do believe it is his perogative, and say nothing during these phases.

Secondly, as you age, there will be lots of things you don't like about your partner's appearance as they depart from your idealised norm, I'm sure my husband wishes I wasn't a couple of stone overweight, didn't have a few teenage spots (in my forties) and generally look a bit harassed and wobbiier than when we met. So what? I would get over it now. You say, I wouldn't put on 5 stone blah blah, actually most women put on a few stone by their midforties if not earlier, so do their partners. You never think it will happen to you, but it has to all my friends since having children unless they have literally dedicated their lives to staying slimmer (and even that hasn't worked).

I think actually you don't fancy your partner that much at all, except when he looks nice and conventional and like your friends will fancy him too (as I suspect your dislike of his long hair is that you perceive others don't like it).

Plus, the fact he's grown his hair long is a good thing, I think it's ridiculous of a grown man to cut his hair to please you if he loves his hair long and it is part of his identity. I wouldn't cut my hair on that basis, to please my husband, I like that he likes me with long hair, but I choose the hair length I like most, surely most people do this? It may even be (rightful) defiance on his part.

I think I require a photo to make a true judgement

Also James may looks ridiculous, but it sounds like your Dp likes him so that's not going to help !

You sound incredibly shallow, especially with that chunky feminist comment. Maybe he'll do you a favour and leave you for someone who likes his barnet.

Wow! Cheers ladies. Shallow would be if I left him based on his hair. I clearly said i love him and that i will spend the rest of my life with him. I was clearly joking re: chunky feminist - as he has been mistaken for a girl recently. It was tongue in cheek. I have had his baby and love him to death. I fancy him A LOT (not necessarily based on his physical looks - but on who he is as a person). Hence our baby.
I said at the onset it was a trivial problem. But - i dont think that people should choose the person they want to be with and then just say "right, im going to makeno effort whatsoever and if the person i love detests it tough!". Surely we should continually try to make ourselves attractive to the other person?

I also accept that we will both get old and grey together and our weights will fluctuate - but i do not accept his CHOICE to put a birds nest on his head! When the person who he is with HATES it.

I had virtually the same issue. The difference being I'd never known DH with short hair, only ever with a pony tail. Fabulous in sooo many ways but the hair! ARGHGHG. I would have had less of an issue if he had actually taken care of it - you know, wash, brush and make it look neat but most of the time he was mono-dreadlock man.... and it was hideously unattractive. After 8 years of prodding (okay, nagging and threatening that if he started to look like a member of status quo the divorce courts would be beckoning - i was only partly joking) he eventually got it chopped and was suddenly attractive to other women! My argument to get it done - he was starting his own business and like it or not people judge on appearance. If he turns up - even as an IT geek - with that mono-dread lock they would take one look and show him the door. This would be really unfair on him as he is really good but people look at you, see you don't care about your appearance and think that translates into your level of care with which you do your job. He finally took me seriously and cut it (presented the rats tail to me when I got home from a rather boozy night - atually taped it to the front door like some sort of bizarre door knocker!).

Agreed, long hair on a man can be very difficult to pull off.

However, you use 'smart' as a compliment, and I'm wondering whether actually he doesn't want to look smart, and you're coming at it from different perspectives that are about more than hair.

Yes agreed. I dont want him to look smart. I have resigned myself to the fact he'll prob never wear a suit - or even a shirt. He has his style and I respect it. All i want is for hin not to look..... Bad! And hishair - by anyone's standards - is truly truly truly bad.

He had his picture done recently for a work I.D and said "i look like a chunky feminist". His words not mine

I'm the opposite from you in that I LOVE long hair on men and find that a few extra inches makes a man infinitely more attractive to me!

I met my DP (professional, 33 years old, like your partner) through internet dating and remember being pleasantly surprised when I met him in the flesh because his hair was longer than it was in the photographs!

Two years on and his hair is now down to his shoulders - it's lovely and thick and dark and I adore running my fingers through it! He hasn't grown it just because I like it - everyone agrees it does suit him better (he has quite a small head and looks like a pinhead without it!) but I'm glad he took my preference into account.

Although my preference is clearly the opposite of yours - clean-cut men with short hair are a complete turn-off for me - I completely understand where you're coming from - I once had a boyfriend who cut his long hair short and didn't fancy him half as much afterwards. Like Samson, all the strength of attraction was in his hair!! And I really don't think this makes us shallow - you can't help what you're physically attracted to, can you?

If DH moaned at my choice of hairstyle I would be very disappointed in him.

Can't you just not look at his hair?

I don't think you are shallow, I think he's gone back on his word, the long-haired arse.
I agree it sounds like he doesn't like the smart image for himself. Can you have a go at discussing alternative styles, like maybe short hair, with lots of piercings or whatever? If the hair is a turn off for you, he needs to listen!

I think you sound awful OP. Judgemental, controlling and shallow.

The key point you're missing here every time you state-as-a-fact that it's oh so awful is that that's merely your opinion. He quite clearly does not feel the same. He is not beholden to your specific personal tastes wrt his appearance or, well, anything.

It's clearly not a deal breaker for you, so your only other choice is put up and shut up I'm afraid. Actually arguing with him over his hair is pathetic and childish, and I'm gobsmacked he puts up with it.

I kinda have to opposite problem with the bloke I'm seeing.

It's not as long as your DP's but it's marvellously scruffy and, after being with a shaved head for 12 years, I just love running my hand through it.

But he has to have it cut this week for work. But I'm sure he will still look fab.

Not much help I'm afraid as I love the scruffy bedhead look and facial hair

Nominate him for what not to wear?

stuntgirl - thanks, how kind of you. i will get back in my box and whenever he does anything i dislike i will bite my tongue and never ever bring it up. God forbid we disagree on anything or I have an opinion - now i must dash to put on my apron and bake him a pie as he'll be home soon.

If i chose to start wearing a bright yellow jesters hat every day which made me look ridiculous i would expect him to not put up with it.

But thanks. What started off as a light hearted grumble about my man's choice of hair cut has turned into an opportunity to tell me how awful i am... dear oh dear.

Depends on how important this is to you. You could run the risk of being a game player and tell him you no longer want to have sex with him because you find his hair so terribly unattractive. That might bring him round.

FWIW, I don't think criticising someone's hair is the same as criticising their weight or shape. For most people, hair is a sort of affectation, something we deliberately cultivate to say something about ourselves. It is easily changeable. Weight/shape is much less easy to mould. Criticising someone's hair or choice of clothes is not as personal an attack as criticising someone's weight.

But ultimately, his hair, his choice. And if it matters that much that he insists on a choice that he knows you hate, your own choice is to call things off.

I don't see what's subservient about accepting someone's choice of hair, I choose my own hairstyle, my husband choses his, and whilst we might have our preferences for each other (although we don't really go on about it), we just accept each others choices. Hairstyles are a personal decision, I think it's ridiculous he cut his hair once for you 'for love' and perfectly normal for him to resume his usual style.

Good job putting words in my mouth, didn't have an actual counterpoint then?

If you actually argue with your partner over his personal appearance - given that its just aesthetics we're talking here, then I think you should bite your tongue. You've made your point, he clearly doesn't agree, that's the end of it really. Unless you'd like to bully your partner into conforming to your whims?

I dunno - I kind of like him now you've described him as looking like Edward Scissorhands :)

Oh I don't know where to start.

OP, I pretty much think I agree with you.

I would be pissed off if my DH was very controlling about my hairstyle, and he doesn't really say that much or have much input - however he doesn't really need to, because I know what looks good on me, and I would also take into account what I know his (unspoken) preferences would be. For example, a pixie cut is never going to look good for me, nor is bright red or jet black.

I am also quite chubby at the moment, and he doesn't make me feel bad about my weight.

However, whilst he has no direct input in my hairstyle, and doesn't comment on my weight, he tells me what he thinks looks good on me, clothes-wise, and most of the time I trust his judgement and take it on board, although there are times I tell him I don't care, and wear my own thing anyway.

The same applies to him - I would occasionally comment on his shoes (in fact there have been times I have refused to leave the house with him because of his choice of shoes), and I give constructive feedback about clothes, and sometimes the need to shave (and ear & nose hair), but I don't give him a hard time about weight.

I suppose what I am getting at is the point that we all want to look good for our other half, and take their views into account, without becoming completely subservient to their wishes. I don't think it is controlling to want your other half to look attractive, so long as it is within limits.

I remember many years ago a guy I was going out with at the time turning up with a massive tattoo on his left forearm which he decided to do out of the blue - it was huge, about 10 inches long, and to be honest, although it was his body, his choice, I always thought it looked a bit rough, and finished with him soon after (although tbh, there were plenty of other reasons to contribute to that decision).

If he is determined to have longer hair, can you insist that he gets it properly styled and that he dyes the grey?

Could you also give consideration to changing your nn to delilah?

Refuse to have sex with him as he has pubic hair growing growing out of his head

Shrugs.

His hair, his choice.

I doubt a man coming on here and posting about his wife's hair in the same way would get a good reception.