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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help- i just don't want to have sex

74 replies

reallyworried · 21/01/2004 16:35

I am so worried about my marriage/relationship.
The problem is that my husband wants to have sex and I don't. I know there are millions of people all over that have this problem but i fear the real problem is me: i love him/like him/want to be with him/having another baby with him, but to be 100% honest, it wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again. DH has a high libido and i think has actually been very patient with me, but we've had yet another contretemps about it today, and i really am terrified that there is no solution. I just can't force myself to have sex, but it's getting to the point that once every 2 weeks i have to, to "keep him quiet". any suggestions aside from lighting candles etc (i've read the Relate suggestions!) as to how i might start feeling randy again?? it is making me so sad and worried.

OP posts:

spikeycat · 21/01/2004 16:45

Are you pregnant now or am I misreading this? I am and to be honest I feel the same way, could just be the hormones?

If your not pregnant go to holland and barratt (health food shop) and get some herbal tablets that increase your libido, my sister had this problem and they really helped her, I'll find out what they were called if you like?

Jenie · 21/01/2004 16:49

I felt so "up for it" when I was pg, poor dp wasn't so "up for it" though!!

No suggestions on what to do except to think sexy thoughts, if you're not pg try to make a bit of a change in your appearance - something you think makes you look more attractive than usuall. This always gets me in the mood for a bit of action in the evening.

I'm not saying that you don't usually look atractive but ykwim - when in the bottom of a very deep hole stop digging sorry

Nicksie · 21/01/2004 16:50

Message withdrawn

Original poster

reallyworried · 21/01/2004 16:52

i have to be honest, it was bad before i got pregnant again (yes i am pregnant- almost immaculate conception) that would be great to know the tablets - do you think they're ok to take if pregnant?

OP posts:

Nicksie · 21/01/2004 16:55

Message withdrawn

Carla · 21/01/2004 16:56

reallyworried, I'm really worried that this may sound flippant, but it's not meant to at all. Whilst attending antenatal classes with DD1, the midwife broached the subject of sex. All of us were heavily pregnant, and one woman turned to me and said 'well, there's no need to now'. I do feel both in my marriage and my previous relationships that I've been through periods like this, but they did eventually blow over. How long have you been feeling like this?

Carla · 21/01/2004 16:57

Gosh, neither did I! Well said Nicksie.

spikeycat · 21/01/2004 16:58

No - You can't take them when pregnant, I checked ( feeling the same loss of libido myself!)

If I were you I would stop "giving in" as this will just make you resent him more and more. I have told dp that I am just not up for it, I feel uncomfotable enough without him adding to it! He seems okay with this and we are just doing nice things like having baths together etc, which sometimes does lead somewhere, however, I know if I felt he was expecting it to it wouldn't, because of my frame of mind....

Does your dp/dh know how you feel?

Original poster

reallyworried · 21/01/2004 17:11

Dh knows how i feel, but i think would be very upset and worried for our future if i told him the extent of it. i don't want to split up, but i feel like we might be drifting towards it. i have felt like it ever since i got pregnant with ds1- and it never got better.

OP posts:

aloha · 21/01/2004 17:17

Lots of women dont' like having sex when pregnant. Do you like sex when you have it or do you dislike it even when you are 'doing it'?

Original poster

reallyworried · 21/01/2004 17:19

i don't like it when i'm doing it- i just want it to end. yet i have sex with myself quite a lot.... it's not because i'm pregnant. i know it's not, i wish it were that but it's not.

OP posts:

codswallop · 21/01/2004 17:21

have you ever liked it? is he just bad at it?

Original poster

reallyworried · 21/01/2004 17:24

yes i have liked it but not as much as i made out. he is not bad at it all! i make it worse now cos i want it over and done quickly. god i sound horrid.

OP posts:

emmatmg · 21/01/2004 17:55

reallyworried, we have 3 DS's, the youngest being 4 months old and during every pregnancy I have gone off sex, to be honest even when I'm not PG I could take it or leave it. (DH now thinks that women who get excessively randy when PG are a myth)
I really wouldn't worry about not wanting it and I would certainly not do it just to 'keep him quiet' and I'm amazed that you manage it every other week. I could probably count on one hand the number of times we did it when I was PG with DS3

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 18:20

Spikeycat - I'd love to know what they are called because I have the exact same problem. Can't even remember the last time.

GeorginaA · 21/01/2004 18:39

reallyworied - how old is your first child?

I ask this because my libido really didn't start to come back until a good two years after my ds was born (and now I'm pregnant again )

Again, I'm lucky I have a very understanding dh. I think the exhaustion from looking after very young children doesn't help - you don't have the energy left for any of the "extras" in life!

That stuff spikeycat mentions sounds good - once I'm done being pregnant and breastfeeding I may well look it up myself Also, some yoga positions are supposed to improve your libido too, which might be something else to try once your pregnancy is over?

marthamoo · 21/01/2004 19:02

Spikeycat, yes please - can you find out what they are called? (we are all coming out of the closet now )

Reallyworried, being pregnant, imo, really does get you off the hook. I wouldn't start to worry til a few months after the birth and then you can tackle it is a more pro-active manner (ie., a few glasses of wine always helps!) I think I only had sex about twice when pregnant with both my ds's.

GeorginaA · 21/01/2004 19:12

Thought of something else too (again for after pregnancy - I really do think that's a great reason not to feel or have to be sexy!!)

There's a great board game called Nookie... basically you open a bottle of wine, dim the lights, pick cards and set a timer and follow instructions Means you get a pretty decent amount of foreplay if nothing else

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 19:35

I'm pregnant so I have no excuse, I just don't feel like it
The game sounds good though

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 19:36

That should of said I'm NOT pregnant

JanH · 21/01/2004 20:05

Oooh, nutcracker, only a tiny difference - hardly worth mentioning really!

Slink · 21/01/2004 20:08

Spikey cat could you pass the name on to me too ............ thing is it is for my DH....

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 20:11

Spikey - sounds like you could set up a buisness flogging these tablets :0

butwhatdoiknow · 21/01/2004 20:15

You are all probably gonna hate this but here goes nothing....... an alternative opinion....

I say re: sex life = use it or lose it. I mean even if you have to force yourself !! Once it becomes normal again you will just be used to it and probably start to enjoy it again.

It probably sounds really victorian but sex is part of a marraige and relationships without it are going to get into trouble.

To look at it from another perspective imagine your partner began to deny you something that you felt was necessary in a relationship such as - emotional support or help with domestic drudge...... how would you feel?

In a round about way I suppose am saying it is kind of a right of his -but I know I will get canned for that. Since these days it is all about womens rights but give the guy a break.

In reality if he's not getting any at home he will probably look else where.....

And no I am not a bloke. You may hate this opinion. I am not saying it is necessarily the right opinion but it is different and worth thinking about.

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 20:18

I agree that it should be part of a relationship but i just don't feel like it at all. I'd rather watch paint dry.

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