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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help- i just don't want to have sex

74 replies

reallyworried · 21/01/2004 16:35

I am so worried about my marriage/relationship.
The problem is that my husband wants to have sex and I don't. I know there are millions of people all over that have this problem but i fear the real problem is me: i love him/like him/want to be with him/having another baby with him, but to be 100% honest, it wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again. DH has a high libido and i think has actually been very patient with me, but we've had yet another contretemps about it today, and i really am terrified that there is no solution. I just can't force myself to have sex, but it's getting to the point that once every 2 weeks i have to, to "keep him quiet". any suggestions aside from lighting candles etc (i've read the Relate suggestions!) as to how i might start feeling randy again?? it is making me so sad and worried.

OP posts:
butwhatdoiknow · 21/01/2004 20:27

I know what you mean and sometimes I don't either. But don't you find if you let yourself be persuaded its ok.

Another tip what about reading a bit of erotic fiction - might get you in the mood......

I am unfortunately one of those mythical women who is randy as hell while pregnant. Actually probably more of an irritation - blokey less keen and really just doing it to keep me quiet I think. He certainly hasn't had the opportunity to suggest it himself for a while .....

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 20:32

When i was pregnant i couldn't get enough of it, maybe i should get pregnant again. I think my pill plays havoc with my libido, I asked g.p about this and he said " what would be the point of that, if it put you off sex, you wouldn't need to be taking it would you " . I have stopped taking it just to see what happens.

butwhatdoiknow · 21/01/2004 20:43

The pill, the pill, don't get me on that subject.

THE PILL DEFINATELY PUTS YOU OFF SEX.

Well not so much off but gives you a take it or leave it attitude.

M2T · 21/01/2004 20:57

BWDIK - Are you really saying that someone should FORCE themselves to have sex even if they don't want to and just hope that they start to enjoy it again?? What if they don't?

I couldn't be arsed if I never had sex again! Don't know why..... just don't fancy it. Maybe my sex drive will come back.... maybe not. At the moment I am 12 wks pregnant. But my DH would never expect me to do it when I didn't want to. Where's the fun in that??

reallyworried - I know exactly where you are coming from. The only difference is that DH is kind of the same!! We have plenty of other contact and closeness and tickling, touching.... etc. Do you still do that with you DH or are you worried it will just lead to him wanting sex?

I have no suggestions of how to get your libido back, I'm afraid. The honest truth with DH and I is that we are just too bloody knackered when we get in from work that it's the last thing on our minds. I can only say that I'm sure it will return.

Do you fancy DH? i don't think I fancy mine that much anymore..... then again that could just be the pregnancy hormones too.

Eowyn · 21/01/2004 21:02

Is that true re the pill. cos no way can I risk getting pg but I also have little libido. Then again neither does dh, but I feel we should.... shall I tell him to get on with getting snipped then? Just wondered if it is a myth or fact.

butwhatdoiknow · 21/01/2004 21:02

Basically. Yeah.

I mean there are loads of other areas of life where we force ourselves to do stuff we don't really want to and often it ain't that bad.

eg... Getting up for work at 6am in the dark and cold. Going to see the in laws. Cleaning the windows. Doing your tax return.

I think its hard for women now as we expected to work and mum. They say in the 50's people had better sex lives as women at home in day so had time for domestics before hubby home.

butwhatdoiknow · 21/01/2004 21:05

M2T. And in answer to your second question. What if they don't (enjoy it)....... well at least you've tried and hubby may be happier. And he will at least be happy that you've tried.

I mean sex is can be one of the best bits of a relationship and if you lose that, can highlight other tricky areas.

Instead of pill - dutch cap is good (especially if you don't get nookied up that often - nudge nudge)

suzywong · 21/01/2004 21:07

can i jump in here since you've mentioned it, am considering diaphragm. Is it really a good one to use?

butwhatdoiknow · 21/01/2004 21:20

Eyown - shall we survey the mnetters about the pill and see......

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 21:27

I've always had probs with libido whilst on the pill. I really hate coming off it as i have terible period pains, sickness etc but am willing to give it a go.
I don't think i fancy dp anymore either. Actually i know i don't

aloha · 21/01/2004 21:37

I never found the pill affected my libido at all. Novelty definitely helps. If not a new man than a new location ie nice hotel. And I do mean nice. Candlewick bedspreads do not make for a night of lust. Boredom, exhaustion and routine are killers IMO.

Eowyn · 21/01/2004 21:40

It would be interesting to know. I used the pill as an excuse for not wanting my H in previous marriage & came off it, as I didn't love him full stop it didn't make much difference.
I used to let him "do it" & lie there like a log cos i felt guilty, looking back I wonder why on earth I did that, but was only young.

So anyone categorically know whether it is the pill??
(can't say I fancy my dh much any more but am prepared to think of "england" & live in hope).

nutcracker · 21/01/2004 21:40

Different location might work but haven't got anyone who will have the kids for the night

jennifersofia · 23/01/2004 14:03

I think the diaphram is really good and reliable. Have used one for 10 yrs and only got pg when we wanted to. Must know how to put it in properly though - but GP can tell you that. Doesn't allow total spontenaity like the pill, but you can put it in an hour or so before you 'need' it. Unfortunately I can't say that using one has ensured I am a sex maniac...
I do find that sometimes the longer the period is between our sexual occasions, the more detached and disinterested I get. When it is like this I do need to let dp take the lead and that can help me get into it again. We find that it is something that we really have to intentionally put our attention on and give energy to - I know that sounds a bit boring but the desire and lust doesn't just fall out of the sky like it did (well, for a little while!) when we were first together.

Slink · 23/01/2004 20:25

I have not gone of sex yet i have been married for 10yrs and love it and want it all the time HOWEVER DH thats a different story, he loves to cuddle but sex nope, give me hte name of the TABLETS i need to get preg I WANT A BABE.

Thank you love you allxxxxxxxx

suzywong · 23/01/2004 20:41

thanks for that jennifersofia, does it have to be fitted (sounds like a new set of tyres) by the GP?

pie · 23/01/2004 20:45

Suzy when I had mine it was at a family planning clinic and I was given a trail one to use for a couple of weeks, then had to back with it in to see if I was putting it in properly, then I got my own one, and they needed to measure me to get the right size.

HTH

dinosaur · 23/01/2004 20:55

I started taking the pill when I was 15 and carried on until I was 28 and I can honestly say I didn't know the meaning of the word "libido" until I stopped taking it.

suzywong · 23/01/2004 21:00

The pill is frighteningly powerful isn't it? I took it from 19 to 26 and had to stop instantly one day due to focal migraine. Yuck. Can't have anymore synthetic oestragen until I'm post menapausal. Mind you, I'm not exactly craving it.
So is that a four or five star rating for the diaphragm for married ladies too tired with little kids for spontaneous clear-the-kitchen-table-with-one-sweep type shagging?

pie · 23/01/2004 21:01

whispers You can ask DD1 how good the diaphragm is whispers

Fennel · 23/01/2004 21:04

the pill definitely didn't dampen my libido. Being pregnant does. I have no interest at all while pregnant.

yes what's the name of those tablets? (For after the baby I mean)

suzywong · 23/01/2004 21:05

Oo-er.
Wil nothing protect us from those dastardly men and their prolific seed?

lavender1 · 23/01/2004 21:17

Did you enjoy sex before you had children? I think it's quite normal to be at it like rabbits and then when the domesticity sets in it takes so much more effort; there isn't the spontaneity anymore, it's just expected which can be boring...but in my experience when dh and I are sexually involved with each other the relationship feels so much more....believe you me I don't have the drive and he's always complaining that he initiates it all the time...don't know what to suggest but if you are able to talk about it openly and make a little time for each other it's really worth it if you really want to be with your dh/dp forever...closeness is so great for a relationship without end up feeling something is really missing...

motherinferior · 23/01/2004 21:50

I found that that I started getting a cystitis-type irritation with the diaphragm, presumably because of the spermicide.

Do not forget, as well, that it has to be ahem inserted beforehand. Which means however knackered and unlike Doing the Nasty you feel, you have to wrestle with the little b*gger and make sure it's in place before going to bed.

kiwisbird · 23/01/2004 21:59

Perhaps but maybe not relevant at all
I had gone off sex during pregnancy and after birth (altough was able to have sex again 6 days after birth)
What fixed it was REALLY weird.
My son dropped a bowl on my toe, it broke
I howled cried, screamed with pain and sobbed...
That night everything came back and it has worked since, I am totally back in lust with partner, he smells right, feels right and now when he touches me I quiver happily and I do not quake with worrying about a new excuse.
You do need to to address it so that you are not pressured, it is difficult I know. It comes back pls believe me
xx Jane