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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

please help- i just don't want to have sex

74 replies

reallyworried · 21/01/2004 16:35

I am so worried about my marriage/relationship.
The problem is that my husband wants to have sex and I don't. I know there are millions of people all over that have this problem but i fear the real problem is me: i love him/like him/want to be with him/having another baby with him, but to be 100% honest, it wouldn't bother me if I never had sex again. DH has a high libido and i think has actually been very patient with me, but we've had yet another contretemps about it today, and i really am terrified that there is no solution. I just can't force myself to have sex, but it's getting to the point that once every 2 weeks i have to, to "keep him quiet". any suggestions aside from lighting candles etc (i've read the Relate suggestions!) as to how i might start feeling randy again?? it is making me so sad and worried.

OP posts:

doormat · 24/01/2004 11:29

No advice really but just to let you know i am in the same boat.
I dont feel like sex and i am not pg.I let dh know that i cant be arsed with nookie, he still tries it on but i pretend to be asleep -
I have been like this for a few months.
And some time soon i will start being a raving nymphomaniac again and it will be him who will pretend to be asleep.
I think we all have these phases towards sex.

How can we as women feel sexy and in the mood when we have been dealing with baby puke, dirty nappies, toddler tantrums, teenage tantrums etc etc.
Dont ever be pressured into anything if you dont feel like it. Just dont do it.Sex should be about 2 people enjoying it rather than "duty" or being afraid they may go elsewhere.
Hope it all goes well.

lydialemon · 25/01/2004 00:06

Just wanted to say as well don't be pressured into doing anything you don't want to do, as you will just end up resenting him.

I've had the same thing after all of my pregnancies, it took at least 18 mths after DSs to get things back to normal. DD is 11 weeks and it has all started to go wrong again ( I get panic attacks and can't let DH near me - feel very guilty 'cos its my problem not his), but this time my HV is going to refer me to a councillor. If they come up with anything useful I'll let you know!

carolthatcher2003 · 26/01/2004 08:44

I haven't been interested for a LONG time, alhough I did try for a while, I just found it boring - and now I think he is having an affair and if it's just for sex I'm quite grateful.

celandine · 26/01/2004 15:07

I know what you mean. My mind wants to have sex so that I can say to myself yep, I've got normal sexual relationship, but my body rarely feels the desire. I think it's the effort required that puts me off, plus maybe with a 6 month old my hormones still aren't settled.

If couples could get down to it and each be happy with 10 minute sex then I reckon most people would do it lots more, but while that may satisfy men I bet most women need more time, and who's got the time? Like you, I often have sex to keep dh happy, not cos he moans at me (he's never once complained about our lack of sex life - am I lucky or is he weird?!! )but because otherwise I'd feel bad. This rarely involves penetrative sex by the way. I also want to ensure he doesn't turn to anything else like porn.

If I want to feel in the mood I would read an erotic novel, maybe together, and consider taking the herb Damiana, one the most sexually-potent herbs in the word apparently! Oh, just realised you're pg so can't, but maybe the books then...or ask dh to give you a sensual massage...

marthamoo · 26/01/2004 15:53

WHAT'S THE NAME OF THE FLIPPIN' TABLETS PLEASE!!!!??????

shrub · 26/01/2004 15:53

talking of erotic books......anything by NANCY FRIDAY is really really rude

marthamoo · 26/01/2004 15:54

Cos if I don't find out soon I will have to drop a bowl on my foot

marthamoo · 26/01/2004 15:56

I read NF's book of erotic fantasies years ago and it just made me feel as though I was very weird - as I couldn't relate to the very bizarre fantasies at all. My fantasies are very straightforward and mostly involve Ewan McGregor or Kovac from ER.

Or both at the same time....oooerr missus

marthamoo · 26/01/2004 15:57

Sorry celandine, just read damiana in your post - wonder if that's what spikeycat was talking about?

beetroot · 26/01/2004 16:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

doormat · 26/01/2004 16:08

It is weird beetroot, I just have these phases all the time.It can last for weeks or months then bang I am a raving nymph for a long time
Dh is exhausted then
I get no pressure neither.

beetroot · 26/01/2004 16:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

doormat · 26/01/2004 16:14

heehee I hate the word Grandma

jac34 · 26/01/2004 16:23

I think alot of it just boils down to being worn out, with looking after small children.
When our boys were younger, DH and I were so knackered, sex dwindled quite alot. We never stoped comletely, but we went through quite a few spells without full penetrative sex.I was usually keen to get it over with so I could get some sleep. I know DH would like it at least once a day if not more, which used to be the norm for us before children.
However, as they are now older, and less demanding things are getting back to normal, these days if we don't have penetrative sex I feel like I've missed out.
In fact the boys stayed with my parents on Saturday night, and we had a great "lay in", on Sunday morning, in fact I felt much more horney with the kids out of the house.

So perhaps, just have a chat with DH about how you feel, and hope that things improve as you get more time to relax together. Could you perhaps manage a night alone, or away in a hotel ???

carolthatcher2003 · 26/01/2004 16:32

reallyworried - Alternatively just don't do it!

I don't like it, I don't do it, don't feel that you should have sex - if DH has a problem with it, well, that's his problem.

scoobysnax · 26/01/2004 16:52

Both of you need to make an effort to sort this out - perhaps dh could make sure you have some time to yourself regularly to recharge your batteries, and maybe you could both see a sex therapist together?

charlieplus3 · 26/01/2004 16:56

Wow i am not alone in this either. Do these tablets really work spikey, please let us know what called. Im always so exhausted that sex is last thing on mind

marthamoo · 27/01/2004 15:36

I bought some Damiana in Holland and Barrett today. Watch this space

nutcracker · 27/01/2004 15:41

MM - How big are the tablets ??? I'm one of those whimps who can only swallow tiny, sugar coated tablets.

marthamoo · 27/01/2004 16:03

I didn't get the tablets (they are the size of horse pills, btw) - I got drops in a little bottle, you just add them to water and drink it three times a day. @£4.70 I think.

nutcracker · 27/01/2004 16:25

Oh, that sounds o.k. Let us know how you go IYKWIM

colette · 27/01/2004 16:38

I presume you can't use these tablets whilst b/f??

nutcracker · 27/01/2004 16:40

They don't affect the pill do they ???

keziah · 17/04/2004 21:00

marthamoo - did the damiana work - need some myself if they do! thanks

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