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Original poster

Terrified of ex-bf's lies to get more custody, advice needed :(

88 replies

BriAndLottie · 10/03/2013 20:31

Previously posted about this in AIBU but it was suggested I posted here too, so I'll start from the beginning.

Ex-bf and I met at secondry school. We were both excluded from school around the time we first got together and were using illegal substances, I was living with him at the time after a fallout with my mum. During that time we had a child together who was sadly stillborn. At 16 I sought help and ended up in a private fostering arrangement, went back to school and stopped taking the drugs. I have a brilliant relationship with my foster mum and still live with her now. Ex-bf and I were on/off for a year or so after that, during which I had a brief relapse but stopped when I found out I was pregnant with our daughter- the two of us haven't been together since but have remained friends, and I've been completely clean. DD is now three and I would never do anything to compromise her wellbeing.

Until recently ex-bf hasn't really seen DD on a regular basis- for about 4 months he's been having every other weekend with her, those weekends he picks her up from preschool on Friday afternoon and brings her back on Sunday afternoon. This weekend was one of his weekends.

On Friday, one of my best friends who works at DD's preschool told me that when ex-bf picked DD up that day, he asked to have a word with her and said he had reason to believe I'm using again and is afraid for DD's welbeing. He claims to have seen me under influence herself- that is absolute rubbish. This weekend he's also texted me to say he's going to push for 50/50 custody as he doesn't think I can look after DD full time, he's also texted my foster mum asking if she's got any reason to believe I might have started using again.

He dropped DD home today 45 minutes late and said she was anxious about coming home and seemed very distressed- both my mum and I thought she was absolutely fine. According to DD, she had a good weekend but Daddy asked her some funny questions, like whether she'd seen me acting strangely or scarily, and how many times I'd been out after her bedtime recently Angry

I'm absolutely terrified he's going to try and turn my past against me :( I'm seeing a solictor next week and having a hair sample taken to proove I haven't been taking anything, but in the mean time any advice/hand holding would be much appreciated.

OP posts:
ThingummyBob · 11/03/2013 18:46

Well it seems he doesn't have PR at all, so if you inform the pre-school of that and then ask how they would handle it if he did turn up unnannounced to collect her?
If they can't give you a satisfactory response (ie that they would prevent him taking her) I would still consider changing pre-schools if I was you. Maybe not immediately, but I would definitely consider it an option.

I'm glad you are getting legal advice. Some parents don't deserve their dc, they really don't.

Goldmandra · 11/03/2013 18:46

Sorry OP I missed the post saying he doesn't have PR.

You can tell them he should not be allowed any contact with her. If he turns up to collect her they should keep her inside and call the police if he refuses to leave.

They can get more advice about this from their Early Years advisor if they are concerned.

IneedAsockamnesty · 11/03/2013 18:46

Gold it was several years ago dc is over it now and no longer has contact with his dad,he actually did me a favour with his timing because I knew he was heading for the airport and he was arrested there so it brought everything to a head and when we were all back in family court it was all evidence.strangely contact carried on after quite well for years with no further incidents but shed loads of prohibitive steps orders in place ( all stuck to by dad) untill dad hooked up with a alcoholic last year then just after Christmas when he assaulted dc in public and the police got involved.

But you are correct that with PR and no obvious action that would make someone think there was a risk if the child goes willingly then nobody will stop it without a court order.

Out of interest what would your school do with a seemingly nicely behaved parent but a child in bits saying that if they went they would get hurt by that parent? The school my dc attended now will almost automatically seek immediate advice from SS or CP police team depending on circumstances and act on there advice.they will also now supply parents with factual reports highlighting valid concerns for use in court obviously this is restricted to things the school see that give rise to cp concerns.

Goldmandra · 11/03/2013 19:36

I'm not in a school. I work as a childminder and in Early Years settings.

A child saying that they would be hurt is most definitely a cause for concern. Schools and Early Years settings should have procedures in place for this type of situation so I would expect them to follow those. They would generally include contacting the other parent, LSCB, police, SS, etc. I would expect them to keep the child in their care until the matter was resolved.

It's a shame your DC's school didn't follow those policies before your horrible situation developed.

LittleEdie · 11/03/2013 19:39

Every pre school and school my DD has attended has been very conscientious about who picks them up. If they are not this would be a red flag for me.

IneedAsockamnesty · 11/03/2013 19:53

It was attributed to a staff member in the school who had shall we say fallen for his charms. She as far as I'm aware not worked in any schools since.

candyandyoga · 11/03/2013 20:46

Does he know yet you are not allowing him access?

You are doing the right thing, please keep us updated x

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 11/03/2013 21:07

candyandyoga judging by the text I've had asking to have DD this weekend for a 'family party', I would guess not Hmm I'm not going to reply to that one, going to wait for him to find out through his solicitor.

I'm going to speak to the preschool tomorrow. I work at a school but it's secondary, so not sure the same rules apply here as would do at a preschool- I seriously hope not!

OP posts:
Goldmandra · 11/03/2013 21:24

Bri, pre-schools are required to have procedures in place to ensure that children are handed over safely to the right adult every time. If you've told them he has no PR and must not be allowed to take her you can fully expect them to make sure your wishes are respected and your DD will be safe.

If you're at all concerned about a confrontation at the normal pick up time could you arrange to pick her up a little earlier for a few weeks? The pre-school should cooperate as this is for the benefit of your DD.

I'm sorry you're having to go through this but you are dealing with it the right way.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 11/03/2013 22:20

OP, you are doing brilliantly. This guy was not part of your DDs life for years, has been in prison but seems to have sorted himself out enough to hold down a job. You've facilitated contact between him and your DD with the aim of building up a good relationship between them and in return he's trying to tarnish your reputation with your DDs school by insinuating you're taking drugs, and to cause problems between you and your foster mother.

candyandyoga They're teenagers now, this all happened over 10 years ago. Yes he continued to have contact. He would still question them about their time with me but he didn't make another bid for custody via social workers.

candyandyoga · 11/03/2013 22:35

Stay strong op and keep posting, we are all rooting for you x

Teenstrop - glad you are all ok x

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 12/03/2013 18:39

No word yet from ex-bf but I'm guessing he'll find out that I'm withholding contact from his solicitor in the next couple of days, so expecting a bad reaction.

DD was quite happy to go to her dance class this afternoon but was getting all upset earlier this evening about going to preschool tomorrow, don't know what to make of it really :( Don't know if it's best to send her anyway when she seems so distressed, given what happened on Friday and I don't know why she's upset

OP posts:
IneedAsockamnesty · 12/03/2013 19:01

Could you ask the school if they have any ideas?

Pilgit · 12/03/2013 19:10

no helpful advice on the main issues! this must be awful - your DD is lucky to have you. The reticence over pre-school may be coincidental. talk to them - they might have some insight or should be able to help settle her again.

Goldmandra · 12/03/2013 19:35

Don't know if it's best to send her anyway when she seems so distressed, given what happened on Friday and I don't know why she's upset

My advice would be to phone pre-school in the morning and discuss it. If I worked there I wold suggest that you went in for a short time and stayed with her then left together so she can see that you won't disappear. Then perhaps you can work back up to her going without you when she feels a bit more settled again.

Try to be guided by the pre-school staff so they can see clearly that you are still putting your DD's needs first.

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 12/03/2013 19:54

Thanks Pilgit and Goldmandra for the advice. I'm working tomorrow but not Thursday so makes more sense for me to take her in for a short time and stay with her as you suggest on Thursday Goldmandra, that way I don't have to take the morning off work. Or alternatively I can just take her in tomorrow and talk to the staff when I pick her up, and hope she's OK for the day. If she didn't go in tomorrow she could go into work with my foster mum which she's done once before when there was an issue with preschool, she'd probably quite like that tbh, would have to make it clear to her that it's a one off thing though!

I don't want to directly ask DD if something happened when ex-bf picked her up and risk unsettling her/putting words in her mouth, I have spoken to the friend who works there though and she can't think of anything that happened on Friday which might have upset DD. I've tried the usual questions re upsets with friends etc, DD insists nothing happened Hmm

OP posts:
yellowbrickrd · 12/03/2013 20:13

I suppose she could have picked up on your worry about your ex and on top of the strange questions he asked her somehow tied it in with pre-school since he collects her from there?

If she likes going to work with your mum then perhaps best to do that tomorrow rather than leaving her at preschool and end up having to come and fetch her if she gets really upset.

LittleEdie · 12/03/2013 20:44

I'spd second the idea hat she's picking up on your nerves about your ex snatching her from pre school. That's not to criticise you - your fears are well founded and understandable.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 12/03/2013 20:49

could it be that a comment has been made by your ex and she's worried you're going to be seperated? he might have already mentioned to her about her living with daddy and not mummy Sad

keep us updated. he sounds like a right shit Angry

Goldmandra · 12/03/2013 21:12

If you drop her off tomorrow will you be able to leave her if she gets upset? Trying to separate from her in order to get to work might be more stress than you need right now.

Even if you don't take her in could you arrange to speak to the staff at the end of the session? This will give you an opportunity to let them know properly what is happening and work out with them the best approach to take for your DD.

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 13/03/2013 04:45

Bri, I haven't anything to add to the excellent advice here, I just wanted to say that I'm incredibly impressed that you've managed to talk to a solicitor so quickly and that you're staying so calm. Sorry to sound patronising, but it sounds like you had such an awful start to life yourself, and to have not only pulled yourself out of it but to be able to be such a good mum to your DD as well gives me a huge smile.

I hope, and suspect, that given his history he'll quickly decide that this is more trouble than it's worth - if he's after the CB, especially. It sounds like your DD is doing great with you.

Original poster
BriAndLottie · 13/03/2013 21:17

OK, so the plan for tomorrow is for me to take DD into preschool and for her to spend the morning there, I'm going to have a chat with them and see how DD gets on/whether they can shed any light.

Still no news from ex-bf, assuming he'll find out tomorrow though so anticipating fireworks.

Tortoise- thank you, I do my best :) My first daughter was a victim of my life being completely out of control, in my eyes at least, which I suppose makes me all the more determined to do what's right for DD now. I'm hoping he'll decide it's more trouble than it's worth too- we'll see!

OP posts:
LittleEdie · 13/03/2013 22:09

It sounds like a plan. Good luck for when he finds out.

Goldmandra · 14/03/2013 00:39

Bri that sounds really positive. Take her birth certificate with you if you haven't already to show them that he is not named on it and therefore does not have PR.

I hope your DD settles back in well now she's had some time to calm down and seen that whatever she's worried about isn't going to happen.

InLoveWithDavidTennant · 14/03/2013 14:43

hope today went ok and your dd was ok at nursery