Terrified of ex-bf's lies to get more custody, advice needed :(

[BriAndLottie]

Previously posted about this in AIBU but it was suggested I posted here too, so I'll start from the beginning.

Ex-bf and I met at secondry school. We were both excluded from school around the time we first got together and were using illegal substances, I was living with him at the time after a fallout with my mum. During that time we had a child together who was sadly stillborn. At 16 I sought help and ended up in a private fostering arrangement, went back to school and stopped taking the drugs. I have a brilliant relationship with my foster mum and still live with her now. Ex-bf and I were on/off for a year or so after that, during which I had a brief relapse but stopped when I found out I was pregnant with our daughter- the two of us haven't been together since but have remained friends, and I've been completely clean. DD is now three and I would never do anything to compromise her wellbeing.

Until recently ex-bf hasn't really seen DD on a regular basis- for about 4 months he's been having every other weekend with her, those weekends he picks her up from preschool on Friday afternoon and brings her back on Sunday afternoon. This weekend was one of his weekends.

On Friday, one of my best friends who works at DD's preschool told me that when ex-bf picked DD up that day, he asked to have a word with her and said he had reason to believe I'm using again and is afraid for DD's welbeing. He claims to have seen me under influence herself- that is absolute rubbish. This weekend he's also texted me to say he's going to push for 50/50 custody as he doesn't think I can look after DD full time, he's also texted my foster mum asking if she's got any reason to believe I might have started using again.

He dropped DD home today 45 minutes late and said she was anxious about coming home and seemed very distressed- both my mum and I thought she was absolutely fine. According to DD, she had a good weekend but Daddy asked her some funny questions, like whether she'd seen me acting strangely or scarily, and how many times I'd been out after her bedtime recently

I'm absolutely terrified he's going to try and turn my past against me :( I'm seeing a solictor next week and having a hair sample taken to proove I haven't been taking anything, but in the mean time any advice/hand holding would be much appreciated.

Course attendance is irrelevant but we have to start looking at things as to how he will slant it.

As to the collect from school thing most will tell you they can't stop the other parent even if he does not have pr but if they don't stop it and the child is under duress it will come back on them like a ton of bricks. If the child is harmed or anything or the nrp gets legal probs as a result it could be considered partially their fault.

But they tend to not want to get involved.

Think about it this way, if a SW with no legal orders and no attending police officer can get them to withhold a child then there is no legal reason why a resident parent can't.

In all fairness I would just be there at the time he would collect and do it myself, and if he created a scene its a public order offence.

I would urge the OP to be very careful with some of the comments on this board....for examp this from Sockreturning pixie ......This is possibly the worst thing you could do......"I would be cancelling contact until he was able to hold his tongue and desist in dishonesty because to me it would be a huge breach of trust as well as the embarrassment to you via the school and the potential distress to dd." If you want any potential hearing to go badly then the best way to do that is to start witholding contact on no reasonable grounds. Paranoid people on the net telling you hes about to abduct your daughter does not count as 'reasonable'....

Call up the school and tell them that your DD for some reason is absolutely terrified of coming in since her return from her time with her dad - the truth and puts it on record.

Ask them what they suggest that you and they can do together to help your DD. Shows your are being the reasonable caring one.

I hope I wasn't being paranoid on OPs behalf and I apologise if I was. I certainly didn't mean to suggest that he's about to abduct her dd.

I thought it sounded like he was trying to put the wind up the OP and suggesting a change in pre-schools was meant as a way of stopping him being able to scare her in that way/talk to staff about her in a derogatory way etc.

Anyhoo, it sounds as if OP is off getting some proper non internet paranoia advice today so thats all good imo!

ThingummyBOB "I wasn't being paranoid on OPs behalf"

:) Lol..... theres nothing wrong with 'possibities' being discussed, but certain posters advising entirely withdrawing contact (not yourself afai can see )are excessive and potentially counter productive or worse.

Mungo loads of solicitors would advise stopping contact once there is a dispute or concern this large.

I also said very clearly on both threads get legal advice ASAP and get evidence you are not using drugs.

He's made a child protection allegation to the school its obvious hes not really concerned and just making trouble because he did not do what any reasonable with legit concerns would do,its fairly obvious he's doing something underhanded.

I also clearly said if it were my child,because if it were I would.

Hope solicitor was helpful.

I think the advice of speaking to preschool about your DD this morning is good, shows you are concerned for her and keeps them in the loop.

How old is your DD?

What happened in your case teenstrop?

candyandyoga I retained custody. XP did accuse me of abuse and involved social services, we had a panel meeting following an investigation and the children were deemed not at risk. The only concern they flagged up wasn't about my parenting but XPs, he talked quite nastily about me in front of the DCs and seemed completely oblivious to how it would affect them. My GP and DDs nursery teacher were there and both stated that there were no concerns from their point of view.

I will add that my views are based both on my work as that's what I come across most, contact being used to abuse rp's and my own child nearly being abducted and taken to a country where I wouldn't be able to get him back and exh openly admitting in court that was what he was going to do.

Glad to hear that teenstrop. Does he still see them?

Op he won't get away with his behaviour x

Sockreturningpixie- I don't think so as ex-bf spoke to my friend at the end, I haven't asked DD though. Ex-bf doesn't have PR, no, not on the birth certificate and no separate agreement, presumably if he wanted to go 50/50 custody and have DD living with him every other week then he would need to be granted PR? So given he doesn't have PR I am able to tell the preschool not to allow him to collect her, is that right?

Thingummybob that's exactly what I'm worried about :( DD had some initial anxiety when she first started preschool but she adjusted very quickly, no problems until now.

I've been advised to stop allowing him access for now given the situation, that's going to be handled through ex-bf's solicitor. Still very scary though :(

most will tell you they can't stop the other parent even if he does not have pr but if they don't stop it and the child is under duress it will come back on them like a ton of bricks. If the child is harmed or anything or the nrp gets legal probs as a result it could be considered partially their fault.

I was told very clearly by an Ofsted inspector that if a parent with PR comes to collect a child and I don't have either a court residence order or legitimate concerns that the child would be at risk of significant harm I have to allow the parent to take the child or risk prosecution.
This document backs this view.
If you know of some case where a setting or school has been called to account for allowing a parent with PR to take a child against the wishes of the resident parent I would be very interested to hear the details and so would lots of my colleagues in Early Years who currently hold the same view as I do.

Sorry for the hijack OP

Hello Bri I posted on your last thread. So glad to see you've taken legal advice.

Given the further information on here about your ex (who sounds like a VERY nasty piece of work) I strongly suspect he's on a hiding to nothing and will be told so; but I do understand that doesn't take away how scary and overwhelming this kind of thing is.

I know you haven't put your age on here but I'm guessing that you're pretty young. I went through all of this in my 30s and found it very stressful and distressing even then so I think you are doing amazingly well; especially considering your earlier experiences.

Glad you have a supportive foster mum, that will make a world of difference.

Flippinada- I'm 21, DD is 3. Hope everything worked out OK for you, it's a really horrible situation.

I don't work Tuesdays so DD goesn't go to preschool, she's already told me she doesn't want to go on Wednesday

Yes, everything worked out ok for me, thank you for asking :)

You sound much more sensible than I was at your age too!

Gold I'm am talking about when removing a child places that child at risk and the child would not be going willingly and yes I do know of at least one.

My own child's school.

Its all down to how you perceive what a legit reasonable belief of risk is. For example my child was kicking and screaming his dad who had PR was fing and blinding at him and then physiclly draged him out, school did not prevent him doing so nor did they even call me or the police and yes I took them to court and won.

At the time of the collection I was in court obtaining a emergency expartie court order, the school were aware of this and I would have been at school on time for end of school however they let him do this an hour before end of day.

And you will note I even included the line 'even if he does not have PR' as I have encountered several schools who have refused to prevent a parent without pr doing so.

I would hope that policy or not a school would not force a unwilling child to go off with a parent activly exhibiting violent behaviour in an attempt to remove the child. There policies can not over ride child protection requirements.

Bri,

Just to clarify your post. Are you saying that yes you have today taken actual formal legal advice from a qualified person who has indeed advised you to stop contact for the time being?

With pr yes to obtain this he would require either your agreement or a court order. And until he has pr you don't need to fret much,just follow the advice of your formal legal advisor do everything they advise you to do and do it in a timely fashion and you should be ok.

Have you had a chance to ask about drug testing?

Sockreturningpixie- yes, spoke to a solicitor today who advised me to stop contact for now. The first few contact sessions ex-bf had with DD were in a contact centre, I've been told that if and when it seems appropriate for contact to be resumed we can go back to having it through a centre, supervised.

I've got a GP appointment for later this week re drug testing, they're going to take hair samples I think.

No word from ex-bf so far this evening, but then he does seem to favour late night texts

Sockreturningpixie that is awful. I am sorry that you and your son had to go through that

Clearly the school did have reason to feel that your son was at risk of harm if they allowed him to be taken and they took no action to protect him. Quite rightly they were called to account for their actions.

However if a parent with PR turns up behaving appropriately and doesn't lose their temper dragging the child out kicking and screaming there is nothing a setting or a school can do to stop them. Without legitimate concern for the well-being of the child the parents with PR must be treated equally.

Does he have PR?

Glad you seem to be so together re legal advice and drug testing.

Have some

Sorry, just read he doesn't have PR. Phew, that must be a relief!

OP you need to make sure that the pre-school know where they stand if he turns up to collect her.

Can you turn your phone off early evening?

Sockreturningpixie god that's absolutely horrific - your poor son! And you.

WRT to the turning up and collecting, at the private nursery I used they were very good about only handing a child over to the right person (they were also wonderfully supportive when I was going through the court process - I could tell you some humdinging stories about that!)

There was one case where a father turned up stinking drunk to collect his DC and they refused to hand them over and call the police.

This was a 'posh' nursery in a nice area as well.

Yes thank goodness he doesn't have PR.