I want to feel more at peace with the way things are. Or I want to improve things.
I don't want to feel so angry and hurt.
I have a very strong suspicion that my mother is just a normal person, not perfect but who is? She has got things wrong over the years but she meant well.
This morning I got to thinking about it all and ended up ranting for 15 minutes, furiously telling the bathroom mirror all the things I want to say to her, but never would.
But I know if I did say any of it to her she would very easily convince me that her behaviour is perfectly fine and I'm only remembering the bad bits and I'm being all dramatic and hysterical. And then I think that if she can calmly and easily explain that she's not that bad, then maybe she isn't that bad?
When I tell close friends about her they are horrified, but I constantly wonder if I am just making it all sound worse than it is, or saying things out of context.
I think I might be one of those dreadful adults who can't let go of a few mistakes made by their parents. All I really want is not to feel so horrid about it all, and I have no idea how to go about achieving that.