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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Guilt about possibly ending the relationship

23 replies

nitrox · 09/03/2013 20:40

How do you get over that horrible feeling of guilt caused by finishing with someone who obviously loves you more than you love them?

I've not been happy for a while now, and I want to move on in my life but the guilty feeling of leaving him is causing me so much turmoil

OP posts:

CognitiveOverload · 09/03/2013 20:42

You will ruin his life more by staying with him.

Original poster

nitrox · 09/03/2013 20:45

I keep thinking that he could meet someone that adored him. I used to, but he's dragged me down so much now that I don't recognise myself anymore.

I want to do so much with my life, but he stiffles me.

I know he would be heartbroken, but I also know it would be for the best in the long run, for both of us.

OP posts:

CognitiveOverload · 09/03/2013 20:49

Guilt is a natural part of leaving someone sometimes. You have to just make a rational decision and stick with it.

Lucyellensmum95 · 09/03/2013 20:53

Do you have children?

Original poster

nitrox · 09/03/2013 20:54

No children, we aren't financially tied either.

My 'rational' decision changes by the hour

OP posts:

pictish · 09/03/2013 20:57

You feel stifled, so he's not for you.

He probably will be devastated, but really what are you going to do? Spend your life living for him?
Of course not.

I understand how daunting this is. It is unavoidable though.

CognitiveOverload · 09/03/2013 20:57

How long have you been thinking of leaving him?

ilovesprouts · 09/03/2013 21:01

im the other way round my fellas just left me after 11 months ,plus ive been in a accident and been in hosp for 22 days :(

Original poster

nitrox · 09/03/2013 21:02

Been together just over 4yrs, been thinking this for about 2yrs

I thought it was just because I was stressed, we were getting into a routine etc etc..

OP posts:

Original poster

nitrox · 09/03/2013 21:02

Pictish, you are right of course.. I just don't want to hurt both of us if I've made the wrong decision..

OP posts:

claudedebussy · 09/03/2013 21:03

the best thing is to break up with him asap.

you can't stay with him forever. the resentment would eat you up and he would feel crap because he doesn't get what he needs either. the best thing is to stop feeling guilty. you can't decide how you feel. it just is.

CognitiveOverload · 09/03/2013 21:04

2 years is a long time to be thinking about it and 50% of your relationship. Not sure how much longer you want to spend ...life is too short.

pictish · 09/03/2013 21:07

Being put on a pedestal isn't much cop is it? You can't ever live up to the hype.
It says so much more about the person that put you there, than it does about you.

claudedebussy · 09/03/2013 21:09

i realised 2 years on in a relationship that it wasn't going to work and it took me a further 3 years to leave because of the guilt. biggest waste of 3 years ever.

UnexpectedItemInShaggingArea · 09/03/2013 21:09

The thought of it is 100 times worse than the reality. Just do it. Quickly, clearly.

You only have one life, are you really going to waste it being unhappy in a relationship because you're worried about upsetting someone?

Original poster

nitrox · 09/03/2013 21:18

I know

Just so scary, there is no-one else, I don't live near family and don't want to relocate.

I am slowly working through what I need to do.

Claudedebussy, I guess you can relate to how I feel then.

Pictish, yeh he thinks I'm great in every way possible, but I feel suffocated, alone and dsperately trapped.

He isn't abusive, but he is immature and selfish.. and I think he was a rebound relationship for me in all honesty.

I am also slightly worried that if I say it's over he will lose the plot and I don't what to expect.. he'll probably be fine after a while, but who knows.

I can't go yet as I'm in the final bit of my degree, but I need to talk about it..

OP posts:

claudedebussy · 09/03/2013 21:23

talk about it as much as you like. and have a plan because that'll help you through. see if you can doss at a friend's. are there any other options other than living with him? if so, take the opportunity. you will feel so much better, you really will. and wait before going out with anyone else. give yourself some time.

i was the same - it's soooo scary. it's really hard but you'll be so glad once you're out.

finally, you are not responsible for his actions. if he threatens to fall apart that's his choice. you cannot stay with him for fear of what he might do if you leave. that's emotional blackmail. not on.

Bulletproofmum · 09/03/2013 21:26

I felt like that a few years into my relationship. I didn't get out. We went on to have three lovely children. The feeling become more intense and we separated in September. He moved out a month ago. The situation is far more complicated than that but I do feel as I wasted ten years of my life. Of course my lovely children make up for it but we were never really right for each other. It would have been so much easier to have made the call ten years ago.

Original poster

nitrox · 09/03/2013 21:38

Well I have a very good friend that I talk to about it and he's very supportive without trying to influence me (no romantic feelings, just mates).

I have plenty of money, run my own business and so that isn't an issue either.

I just feel so sad about the whole thing, sad for both of us, wishing he could change and not be so darn irritating and faffy.. we've had fallings out and I've been honest and said I'm feeling like it's not working, and he changes and makes a big effort, but fundamentally something is wrong.. something can't be fixed with us.

OP posts:

claudedebussy · 09/03/2013 22:36

in that case i'd get out asap. once the decision is made it's agony staying on with the pretence. i felt like i was living a lie, pretending to be happy, pretending everything was ok.

it's ok for this guy not to be right for you. you tried, it didn't work.

you're not right for him either you know. he deserves someone who's into him too. think of it that way. that by splitting up he has the chance to find the right person for him.

theghostinthewashingmachine · 10/03/2013 12:17

OP - I've been in this exact situation - you have to get out - you will feel much better once you do and you will probably be surprised by how well he copes. Guilt is no basis for a relationship - for either of you. Would you want to be in a long-term relationship with someone who was staying with you out of pity? Of course not.

MooncupGoddess · 10/03/2013 12:34

It's a common situation, you know... and if you've been feeling like this for two years despite being honest and giving him the chance to change, it's unlikely you'll start feeling differently about him. Can you put together a rough timeline for leaving so you feel more in control?

Saltpig · 10/03/2013 12:41

IME once the feelings have gone they don't come back, they just get replaced by what you're feeling now.

It's better to tell him - better for him and you. I think you'll be surprised at how much lighter you feel after it's done.

Good luck.

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