Oh crap - I think I've made myself look rather foolish

[ParanoidPrue]

I've just sent the following email to both H and someone he's been emailing in a slightly less than professional capacity:

Hello to you both

Whilst it is heartwarming to watch your blossoming romance via the internet, I wonder if either of you could spare a thought for the poor pathetic wife in this scenario? I'm sure that you both will protest that this exchange between you is entirely innocent and that you simply have a connection as "friends". But whilst you exchange your star-signs and discuss hobbies, I do have to wonder why you both choose to do this via private email addresses rather than your work emails... could it be that you have something to hide perhaps? Or perhaps you're concerned that both of your respective employers will catch on to the fact that you are conducting daily phonecalls under the guise of work. Far be it for someone as lowly as a wife to question her husband once again putting in danger our family's only income for the sake of this "friendship" but it seems to me that innocent people don't conduct themselves in this fashion.

I guess that I should be relieved that the distance between you prevents this friendship spilling into the physical realm as it has in the past for the poor innocent husband. Oh but my dear, please do not concern yourself - (H) will soon be young free and single once more and you will be free to meet and discuss your match on one of your trips to London. (H) has no such qualms about something as trivial as marriage holding him back from such a meeting - you see, this is not the first time and I'm sure will not be the last. In fact, he has quite a penchant for single mothers so it seems that this dalliance was meant to be. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for him, his wife is not so forgiving and for her, this will be the last time. I do hope that the friendship was worth it my dear husband.

Oh crap oh crap oh crap - I look bonkers don't I? In my defence, there's a massive back story and I just saw a bit red when I found the emails (half of which had been deleted from H's side)......Hit me with it - I feel sorry for her now, she's probably not got a clue that he's a nasty predatory wanker and perhaps she really was seeking friendship

[phoenixrose314]

Just read this whole thread and think you are being very brave OP, I cannot believe how calm and collected you sounded in the email when I know you must have been fuming/devastated.

I really hope the bastard realises the buck stops here.

[Jux]

Prue, of course you're a stong person in rl. It's just that you have been wasting your strength on living with a twunt of the first order and trying to pretend it's OK. Now that you don't have to pretend any more...... Well, I think the world had better watch out!

[AndTheBandPlayedOn]

poor pathetic wife
someone as lowly as a wife

My first impression of the self-depreciating remarks was to cringe a bit and say please don't put yourself down like that. However, after thinking about it for a while, in the context of the whole letter, it is really just dripping sarcasm. (Extra credit points!! )

PP, I hope you know the concept of lip service (Not the TV show set in Glasgow, btw, not that anything is wrong with that). Because anything he is going to say will be pure lip service to keep you reeled in as his domestic appliance.

Regardless of the, lets say, intensity of his encounter,
you just can not believe him anymore (or believe in him anymore), right? Right. So to anything he says to you for , excuse, etc...consider saying this:

"I am done here; tell it to the next one." Find a comment to repeat to him ad infinitum, to stonewall any discussion, because all discussion is now over, isn't it? It is. Stay strong and to your purpose, which at present doesn't include him.

(Your letter was so brilliant, though, I at presuming to tell you what to say!)

[MummyPig24]

Wow op, you are one brave lady. Go you!

[Skyebluesapphire]

wow, well done you.

[kinkyfuckery]

Wow OP, extremely self-controlled. You're a better lady than me

We are here for you when you need us.

[ParanoidPrue]

Non eventful update - H continues to show no interest in checking his emails and still no reply from lady friend. I'm a bit stumped to be honest.

[targaryen24]

Always the way! Can't you just tel him to leave anyway? And that he should check his emails asap...

[targaryen24]

• tell

[ParanoidPrue]

I'm setting all my stuff up to leave (again!) anyway Targaryen so I'm not bothered if he stays or goes. Unless he kicks off in which case all bets are off.

I guess I just find it weird that she didn't reply. There was lots of references to daily convos and plenty of follow up emails about how "awesome" (Bleeurgh) the other was after each call. I'm just a bit mystified that they'd choose not to contact each other by phone or email on the day they both receive a message from me.

Perhaps there was more to it than I originally thought.

[elfycat]

They've talked by different phone lines and set up new personal hotmail accounts?

A change of behaviour now means they have read it and changed. Not stopped. Don't let him cover his tracks and then persuade you that you are wrong. If he act all injured/upset over anything that's a 99% probability of guilt.

[Xales]

Seems strange they have gone to zero contact are you sure he is at work today? He hasn't taken a sickie/secret days leave and is with her?

[Xales]

For exactly what elfycat says!

[elfycat]

OH BTW I think the message was a bit bonkers but in a good and inspiring way!

[Xales]

For = or

[kinkyfuckery]

Is he home from work yet today?

[DontstepontheMomeRaths]

Well done. Stay strong and leave him.

My ExH was just like yours, serial cheat, he often claimed the series of girls he spoke to were 'just good friends' He admitted after separation much further down the line that that wasn't always the case and he always had ulterior motives for more with each of them. But all the friendships were inappropriate, overly familiar and secretive. The final one I caught him out on was a full blown physical affair though, but he denied it at the time.

He was so good at gaslighting me, he always had me questioning myself and thinking that I was unreasonable.

He spent money we didn't have, had a porn addiction, it was like living with a man child. I never slept well tbh until the day I left. With the help and support of mumsnet (under my old username) I divorced the arse. Massive step at the time but 3 years on I'm so glad I did it.

[ParanoidPrue]

Another update so as not to be one of those annoying disappearing posters

he's been home for a while - I'm pretty sure he hasn't checked his email as he hasn't been on the laptop and doesn't do it anywhere else so far as I know. He's asleep now. Still no reply from her - in answer to the questions (sorry I'm too lazy to scroll up and namecheck - yes, I'm sure he was at work today, he travels for work and I spoke to him a couple of times during the day about kid related stuff and no I don't think there's any chance they could have met - she's in a different country far far away and finally yes, I was being ironic with the poor pathetic wife stuff although anyone who knows me would say I was pretty self-deprecating as some of you picked up on.

by the way, I should say that I'm LOVING the side chat about the feminist angle on angry women - I recognise the conditioning that's almost innate which leads me to doubt my anger and the way I express it. Only on MN could one bonkers email lead to such high-brow discussion

[Jux]

I don't think you'll get a reply from her. If I were her I'd have jumped in a hole and pulled the earth down on top of me. Or I might want to wait until I actually see him face to face.

He, on the other hand, could well be playing games with you. How was he before he went off to bed?

He could be waiting for you to say something, you see. He could be thinking that you've scuppered his fun with that one, but there are plenty more around, and that if he doesn't refer to it at all then it can all get pushed under the rug for another little while at least until you bring it up.

So if you want some resolution, then I think you're going to have to tackle him, at least tell him to check his mail.

[Cherriesarelovely]

Only just seen your thread OP but just wanted to say, bloody good for you. I cannot see anything remotely bonkers about your email. Why shouldn't you tell it how it is??? Cannot understand anyone saying otherwise.

I've had a tough time with relationships lately (not my DP who is gorgeous but so called friends ) and after a year of being conciliatory and trying to constantly maintain a dignified silence I finally decided to differentiate myself from a doormat and speak my mind! It felt good and I don't regret it. Why should we be walked all over?

Good luck OP, I salute you!

[WinkyWinkola]

Your email was not bonkers. At all

It was merely an "I know what you're doing. I know what you are. I want you to know I know. I also want you to know that I think you are scum."

That's not bonkers. That's just the ticket.

[ValerieJones]

I think you were far more restrained than I would have been.

Stay strong

[almostanotherday]

Stay strong and remember you are way better than him and its all his fault not yours no matter what kind of twist he try's to put on it.