Oh crap - I think I've made myself look rather foolish

[ParanoidPrue]

I've just sent the following email to both H and someone he's been emailing in a slightly less than professional capacity:

Hello to you both

Whilst it is heartwarming to watch your blossoming romance via the internet, I wonder if either of you could spare a thought for the poor pathetic wife in this scenario? I'm sure that you both will protest that this exchange between you is entirely innocent and that you simply have a connection as "friends". But whilst you exchange your star-signs and discuss hobbies, I do have to wonder why you both choose to do this via private email addresses rather than your work emails... could it be that you have something to hide perhaps? Or perhaps you're concerned that both of your respective employers will catch on to the fact that you are conducting daily phonecalls under the guise of work. Far be it for someone as lowly as a wife to question her husband once again putting in danger our family's only income for the sake of this "friendship" but it seems to me that innocent people don't conduct themselves in this fashion.

I guess that I should be relieved that the distance between you prevents this friendship spilling into the physical realm as it has in the past for the poor innocent husband. Oh but my dear, please do not concern yourself - (H) will soon be young free and single once more and you will be free to meet and discuss your match on one of your trips to London. (H) has no such qualms about something as trivial as marriage holding him back from such a meeting - you see, this is not the first time and I'm sure will not be the last. In fact, he has quite a penchant for single mothers so it seems that this dalliance was meant to be. Unfortunately (or fortunately) for him, his wife is not so forgiving and for her, this will be the last time. I do hope that the friendship was worth it my dear husband.

Oh crap oh crap oh crap - I look bonkers don't I? In my defence, there's a massive back story and I just saw a bit red when I found the emails (half of which had been deleted from H's side)......Hit me with it - I feel sorry for her now, she's probably not got a clue that he's a nasty predatory wanker and perhaps she really was seeking friendship

[Pancakeflipper]

I am in team sitting on the fence in a indecisive manner.

But I wish you lots of strength and happier future without him. You rock regardless of what emails you sent

[squalorvictoria]

Not foolish at all. Good luck!

[elly67jo]

Your e mail did not make you look bonkers. It's fab. Now boot him in to touch as you deserve better. Good luck.

[BalloonSlayer]

"it appears H had not yet checked his emails."

or he has read them, then marked them all as "unread" so you will think that, thus buying himself time and winding you up further.

[CockyPants]

Don't you dare delete it!
You are not bonkers!
Your soon to be ex H is a cunt!
Why not direct him to this thread?
Good on you for having the balls to do this, and here's to your future happiness!

[Ahhhcrap]

Wow well done you!! Wish us had the strength to do something similar with my DH!

[ParanoidPrue]

Thank you all so much. You're all giving me strength (even the ones who think I'm bonkers!). Off to my second meeting soon - I'm feeling quite shaky, as if I want to cry but bastard tears won't come.

I'm pretty sure H hasn't received the email and he won't get another chance to until tonight/tomorrow morning. No reply from her - not sure that she'd call him but in any event I'm trying not to dwell on what his reaction will be. Trying being the operative word!

[TippiShagpile]

Will she call/text him to tell him about the email when she sees it?

I think you were right to send it and right to carry on with it. You sound Over Him which is a good place to be after the way he has treated you.

Good luck. Keep us posted.

[targaryen24]

I know this isn't a nice subject & you must've had it up to the gills by now with that cocklodger but I just wanted to say that this thread is inspiring...We'd all like to think we'd leave under such circumstances but it's not easy & you've done an amazing job of starting 'the end' whilst managing to stay on top.

Kick ass

[SonOfAradia]

Prue, I think your email is utterly fucking brilliant and not even remotely deranged. You sound like a fabulous woman who deserves so much better than the prick you're booting out the door.

Good luck with it all. Rooting for you.

[almostanotherday]

Pack your stuff and go some where else for a nice weekend away from him and leave a note to say check your emails

[Charbon]

Your E mail was fabulous.

I think there is still a hangover from the bad old days that women's anger is unseemly and should be discouraged. So we still see righteously angry women being described as 'loons', 'bunny boilers' 'bitter' or 'bonkers' when male cuckolds are expected to get angry and only attract scorn and pejorative comment if they act in the 'dignified' way that people are always pressing on women.

Controlled anger is contempt and your E mail oozed it. But as others have said, make sure it counts this time.

[ItsAllGoingToBeFine]

Not bonkers. Bonkers would have been sending a ranting bile filled email, cutting up all his clothes and cooking his pet rabbit.

[ParanoidPrue]

I feel like such a fraud reading these lovely posts - I'm not at all a strong person - in fact I'm rather weak and pathetic in the face of H's strong denials and protestations of love. I'm good on paper you see but absolutely useless in real life

I am hopeful that I'll find the will to see this through - part of that was the decision to send the email. I knew it would cause a kick off of some sort no matter how justified I was (or not!). I don't think H will ever accept that his actions led to the end of our marriage - after all, in this case there was no physical contact and nothing beyond slightly flirtatious emails/phonecalls. I've forgiven far worse in the past so according to him, this will be a trivial matter to go so nuclear about.

It's not about him though - it's about me. I'm exhausted with dealing with the constant lies, the broken promises, the aftermath of these situations where he's overstepped the boundaries - with our babysitter, with our son's nursery nurse, with numerous colleagues where some situations have led to him needing to raise grievances when they adopt the woman scorned approach. I'm tired of cleaning up his dirty work - why does he get to behave badly and I simply have to excel at brushing everything under the carpet?

Oh well - I guess I'm still angry! In answer to your question Maryz - no I don't think she knows he's married. There was no mention of wife and children in the email exchange which I found odd since they were discussing plans for the weekend etc. anyway, she knows now! And no, I don't mind you being voyeuristic - 'tis the nature of MN after all.

Right - off to my meeting now (after I've squeezed my ampleness into a pre-third baby suit!). Thank you all for your continued support and I will endeavour to update you when I can

[ScarletWomanoftheVillage]

Does she know he is married by the way?

She does now

[SonOfAradia]

I've forgiven far worse in the past so according to him, this will be a trivial matter to go so nuclear about.

There is a reason for the phrase "the straw that broke the camel's back". It's the culmination of crap over the years that's done it, for you. If he's such a dick that he can't see the possibility of that, then he's no proper person at all.

[Charbon]

It doesn't matter if this looks like a trivial matter to him, compared with his worst excesses. The cumulative effect of it all is not trivial to you and that's all that matters.

Have you thought how ridiculous that position would sound if he said it?

i.e. I've done far worse loads of times and you've put up with those. Why aren't you prepared to put up with this minor bit of cheating?

Please let this be your line in the sand. Your life will be a continual series of mopping up his messes if you don't get out.

[WinkyWinkola]

I'm amazed at those posters who think the op's email was in any way mad.

She has been massively wronged for the umpteenth time by a creep of outrageous proportions.

I think her positively restrained, given the circumstances.

If more of us were prepared to point things out as eloquently as she, then I think more of us would be happier for it.

Don't hold back, I say.

[almostanotherday]

You ARE a strong person, you were strong enough to deal with all the crap your arsehole H has given you over the years and now you ARE now strong enough to not be dealing with his shitty behaviour anymore, no one deserves to be treat the way he has treated you, you are worth so much more please believe in yourself and just imagine how less stressful and happier your life would be without him fucking it up for you.

[something2say]

No more self put downs! That is what I read. You are not pathetic, fat etc. x

[Charbon]

I really do think it's sexism Winky. There is still societal discomfort with women's anger and their right to express it. Women are constantly bombarded with messages to be dignified, calm and non-reactive. Even the language is interesting. Anger in women is often described as hysteria, because it's a derivative from the word for womb. There are entirely different words for - and expectations of - men's anger, especially in this particular situation. It's still tolerated and even expected that men will be violent or threaten to be towards OM and many men suffer derision from some other men and women if they express their anger differently or not at all. There are different standards applied to women.

[WinkyWinkola]

I think you're right, Charbon.

[BeCool]

STICK TO THE PLAN PRUE! Stick to the plan!

Detachment is your friend - I think it's such a fantastic asset to you and it shows you are beyond caring, beyond trying to make something unworkable work. You are moving to (if not already in) a place of acceptance of the actual reality of the situation (despite what P might say/claim/plead/argue), and detaching from him gives you a calmness to move forward with a new purpose.