I probably am being unreasonable but please be gentle - UPDATE

[ffswhatnow]

Parents are away at the moment, I am picking them up from the airport on Sunday. Aunt has flight number and details, I know the airport, terminal and time it gets in.

She calls me tonight (literally five minutes after I get in from work - I'm trying to get the shopping put away) to give me flight number.

DH has just been made redundant, finishes mid April, I am having the most awful time at work (think bullying/harassment), I have MH problems and in the middle of a severe depressive episode, seeing a psychiatrist next week. She knows this.

She has just had major back surgery and is in quite a lot of pain. I've not been able to go to see her since she had it done (DH has understandably been low and doesn't like me being away from him when he's in - not posessive at all - more like he feels very low and needs the company).

Aunt called tonight, bit of a chat whilst I was getting shopping sorted and then I sat down. U~tterly awful behaviour I know, but I did. She wanted to give me flight number. Mother being incredibly picky about making sure I had the information but ho hum

Explained that I would look up flight info on Sunday, to make sure that they hadn't bneen delayed, and that it's OK - I don't really need the flight number.

Now she took real offence at this -I had just sat down, I'm mentally and emotionally exhaused (I've been crying for days) and she wanted me to go and get a pen and take all the details. I can't believe i'm writing this - it soounds so pathetic. She then turned on me and said that I was being really rude and that I wasn't to "do her any favours" by taking the flight number down. She then hung up before i had a chance to find oiut what they were doing over the weekend so that I could drop off a "Mother's Day" gift (she doesn't have children, my sis and I give her a little gift every year, this year I made her a necklace )

I know I sound incredibly pathetic and I probably am BU - please be gentle

Sorry, missed the occasion in two weeks. Pleasant but bland approach, I think.

Please don't let this ruin lovely occasions. I think you were close before all this? Maybe try to hang on to that and since she seems stubborn let her 'win'. After all, does it really matter? A silly misunderstanding over a flight number has gone way too far.

yes, I'd go with neutral, polite, bland and unobtrusively avoiding her too.

And um, don't shoot me, is there any chance of speaking to the doctor and getting some tablets to calm you down for the day? It sounds extreme but in this situation it might just help and its only for one day.

Thank you so much for responding

I'm going to read replies now

Not going to shoot you at all! Got diazepam on standby, failing that alcohol!

This is going to sound so pathetic, but I don't even want to be civil to her I wish I could say hello then turn my back any ignore her for the rest of the night Even the thought of touching her to give her a "hello hug" gets me angry

Oh shit I'm going to need alcohol, aren't i?

Please, any advice on how to stop feeling like this?

I'm afraid not, here ... only to accept that it's horribly painful when you do feel like that, to talk to your husband, to consider therapy, and to be aware that feelings can be incredibly powerful and unpleasant, but they are in the end only feelings and can / do pass.

Also, to make sure you are eating and drinking healthily and if you can, exercising a bit ... and doing practical stuff, small jobs. Lying around on the sofa doesnt help, after a while. Needs a balance between taking it easy and getting stuff actually done. I know it all sounds small and incredibly inadequate, but it does help.

I do think you're in a place where talking to the doctor and asking for some counselling / therapy woudl help, if you can't afford private.

I don't think you should be expected to hug her. She's been bloody awful. Make sure you see her first with your husband and step away from her if she tries it, step behind him. She might make it into an awkward moment but you are well, well within reasonable behaviour to stop her hugging you.

Plan how to deal with possible awkward situatoins that might come up. Literally sit down with pen and paper and write them out, and how you can handle them. It sounds silly but it's actually really good for giving you the tools to handle them if / as they come up. Working out practical mechanisms really does help mentally and in reality. If they don't work out exactly as you planned, well there's a good chance they'll be close.

I've already done therapy (I don't know if I want to think about more - it was helpful but utterly exhausting and the topics raised stayed with me) but I'll give exercise and healthy eating a go. I'm very tempted at the moment to curl up under the duvet and disappear.

I've gone through so many scenarios where she does various things. But I'm going to try to write it all down - maybe that will help? Jus to get everything out of my brain and into something tangible?

Sorry I'm so needy, I just need a hand to hold and I don't feel like I can especially talk to anyone about it

Oh Christ what if she tries to hug me and I hide behide DH and it's really obvious that I want nothing to do with her? What if people realise and question it? What if my mum and DSis cotton on and I end up with a bollocking?

What you do is you realise that this day is not about you or your aunt. It's about your sister. You need to stop giving her so much power over you that you forget that you are there to celebrate the happiest day of your sisters life.

So what if she tries to hug you. Make it a really fake one you see all the time, smile, say good to see you and then excuse yourself to the bathroom, get a drink, pick up the presents.

If your aunt tries to 'clear the air' tell her that this day is about your sister and you will not spoil her day by bringing it up. You can tell her that she is more than welcome to call you after the wedding to discuss it, but this is not the time and place. Then go to the bathroom again, or go catch up with jenny from school(She probably will never call you, but she can't say you dismissed her as you offered to sort it out later)

You are letting this person over shadow this day for both you and your sister and you have to stop. Your dh will be there so you will never be alone with her and surround yourself with people you know. She will not make a scene in front of strangers. At the moment you are giving her too much power.

Therapy is a good idea. Yes, it can be emotionally exhausting sometimes, but that's for a reason - because there are issues that will still be there, festering (so to speak), even if you don't ever mention them.

I have two very difficult aunts. My policy is to be polite and distant, polite and distant. She seems to want you all to live in each other's pockets, which is seriously unhealthy, even if you are a small family and live close to each other.

To be honest, I stop sending her (and her husband's family? What's that about?) presents altogether and pretending that things are more or less fine. They are not. She is a deeply rude and unpleasant bully who always wants things to go her own way.

You'll find, once it comes around, that you've been making yourself feel worse than the situation will end up being. I know this from experience!

My in-laws and my DH and I aren't exactly on the best terms. We had over 3 years of NC and this Christmas was the first one we've spent with his family (and we've been married 5 years this November).

I know it seems hard right now but remember it won't just be you guys standing there staring at each other in a room full of the sound of crickets. Remember your Aunt is probably just as nervous as you are, just handling it differently. Think of her more as that friend you used to know that still hasn't got the hint. You're polite but not overly so. Don't let her know that she's getting to you. Have a safe word with family so if you're in a group you can say it and they can lead you away.

It WILL be okay. Once you get the first encounter out of the way the wedding should be much better. I didn't see you mention what event this is but it's hopefully a slightly less stressful event so you'd be able to leave earlier if you need to.

Honestly, I say it again, it WILL be okay. You'll think afterwards how stressed out you made yourself needlessly. Of course that's not going to stop you feeling that way, but hopefully it helps a little!

You are an adult, why on earth would you be 'bollocked' by your mum and sister?

Also, you are any adult, why on earth would you hide behind your DH?

Sorry if that is harsh, but the atmosphere of your family feels all a bit too intense and overinvolved and as if you have not moved on from parent/child roles. Why on earth did so many people need to get involved with collecting someone from the airport in the first place?

I have a small family which has been severely affected by bereavement, so we are all we have to each other, but even so, I think that living in each other's pockets might make things so much worse.

If you really feel you need to go to this occasion in two weeks time, go in, have a drink in one hand and something like a clutch bag or some papers in the other to avoid the hug. Nod and smile politey to your aunt and say something neutral like 'lovely occasion'. If you come across each other make small talk, even if she doesn't make it back.

I'm so sorry, I shouldn't have posted.

Thank you for your responses.

I'm so sorry, I'm not strong enough for this

Of course you should have posted! This is a forum for help and support (which may sometimes involve a kick up the backside, but it's usually done with love!).

Just keep the best polite distance that you can. She won't make a scene at the wedding - she knows that would be the kiss of death for any relationship with any of you. Someone this manipulative isn't stupid! If she hugs you, keep it quick and stand back.

Your DH is with you and everyone else knows what she's like. Just keep focusing on your sister and do your best to not let her overshadow the day.

I am sorry if what I said sounded harsh, but I too have travelled a long and painful path down the road of emotional independence from an abusive parent. So yes, it was meant to support you.

ohfourfox, ((hugs))
If your toxic aunt ambushes you with a hug, it does not follow that you hug her back. That is a trained reflex like answering any phone that rings . Go very stiff, lean back slightly, turn your face, hold your breah, then say, 'well, excuse me' and walk away. Eventually she may notice you not hugging back, and give up the pretense. She can raise a stink, but everyone already knows it is her, not you.?"Why won't you hug aunt? Why on earth would I?"

Imho, it is perfectly reasonable to not hug someone if you do not want to. Using your husband as a strategy of avoiding that unpleasantness is a smart thing to do to manage the circumstances.

She has done a number on you. The best thing, as you know, is not being around her. At the wedding, is it possible for you to have tasks to do for your sister to keep you moving and less of a target for the aunt?

It is very difficult to not be emotionally flooded by contact with the toxic people in our lives. The idea of emotional detachment is central in overcoming this, imho. Anniegetyourgun did it in her example above. There is alot of "fake it until you make it" during your "training period"...but eventually you are looking for a state of complete indifference about the toxic one. This goes against more reflexive manners that have been trained/brainwashed into us about being polite, caring, compassionate, empathetic adults. But your aunt has used you up. You do not have anything left for her...and you are not a renewable resource. Your family duty card concerning her has been punched out and worn out and is no more...be done with that. And your arrival at that decision is based purely on HER behavior. You have nothing to feel guilty about in all of this.

I've read the whole thread, your aunt sounds very unpleasant. Talk about being able to dish it out but not to take it!

Distance is key. Emotional distance (think of her as a very small, squeaky annoying person you can hardly hear) and physical (no hugs, a coolly friendly hello from across the room). Imagine that you are wearing a big badge that says 'Fuck You!' on it.

Contrive always to be on the opposite side of the room, but feel free, from that remove, to do a bit of chat, laugh politely at her jokes etc. Wander off whenever you feel like it (preferably not alone so she can't zoom after you).

Be non-committal. You don't have to talk to her about any of the stuff that's happened, and there is every reason not to do it at a social occasion that is for someone else. It's not family therapy. Whatever she asks/demands to know/says, even crying whatever, you don't have to react or answer. You could even role-play this using stock answers with your DH/DSis if you think it would help. 'Well, there we are.' 'I don't want to talk about it.' 'Let's just leave it for now, shall we?' etc.

Arrive late and leave early if you want to. Have a couple of fail-safe conversational gambits worked out with your DH to get onto if things get awkward (e.g. you say B.H.'s family is v nice, so you could ask about them).

Don't drink much or at all (Dutch courage on top of nerves and possibly medication is not usually a recipe for emotional stability and success).