I probably am being unreasonable but please be gentle - UPDATE

[ffswhatnow]

Parents are away at the moment, I am picking them up from the airport on Sunday. Aunt has flight number and details, I know the airport, terminal and time it gets in.

She calls me tonight (literally five minutes after I get in from work - I'm trying to get the shopping put away) to give me flight number.

DH has just been made redundant, finishes mid April, I am having the most awful time at work (think bullying/harassment), I have MH problems and in the middle of a severe depressive episode, seeing a psychiatrist next week. She knows this.

She has just had major back surgery and is in quite a lot of pain. I've not been able to go to see her since she had it done (DH has understandably been low and doesn't like me being away from him when he's in - not posessive at all - more like he feels very low and needs the company).

Aunt called tonight, bit of a chat whilst I was getting shopping sorted and then I sat down. U~tterly awful behaviour I know, but I did. She wanted to give me flight number. Mother being incredibly picky about making sure I had the information but ho hum

Explained that I would look up flight info on Sunday, to make sure that they hadn't bneen delayed, and that it's OK - I don't really need the flight number.

Now she took real offence at this -I had just sat down, I'm mentally and emotionally exhaused (I've been crying for days) and she wanted me to go and get a pen and take all the details. I can't believe i'm writing this - it soounds so pathetic. She then turned on me and said that I was being really rude and that I wasn't to "do her any favours" by taking the flight number down. She then hung up before i had a chance to find oiut what they were doing over the weekend so that I could drop off a "Mother's Day" gift (she doesn't have children, my sis and I give her a little gift every year, this year I made her a necklace )

I know I sound incredibly pathetic and I probably am BU - please be gentle

Yes, I have someone in my extended family who is just like your aunt, so I know the type very well.

I think the best thing to do is disengage as much as possible and work out a strategy to deal with them. Thank goodness for your DH who sounds lovely and supportive!

Thankfully I don't have much to do with this individual but I've seen the havoc they cause first hand. The sad thing is, nobody really likes people who carry on like this because of the way they behave.

You know what?

You don't have to deal with her. If she's well enough to come over with her husband then she can turn right round and go back again! Much easier said than done I know.

Do have a look at stately homes when you feel up to it, they are a lovely supportive bunch.

She does seem to have over reacted somewhat.

I think you are both in pain (physical and emotional) and people in pain are not the most patient, lose their rag at times. You probably should have got a pen but then again she shouldn't have thrown a massive hissy fit and maybe just text you the flight number or something. Don't worry about it.

Sorry after reading through the entire post, i know realise that instead of being a one off because of back pain your aunt is not a very nice person. I don't blame you for not wanting to speak to her esp as you are not feeling well. I got quite depressed after my second mc last year (although by the sound of it not as bad as you) and i know how much of a struggle it takes to even go through the motions of day to day life. Hope you feel better soon.

You lot are so lovely - thank you for being so understanding, especially when I'm being such a wimp about things.

I think I'm going to arrange to be out for a little while later on (might even nip out and get some paint for a fence that I may tackle tomorrow - ooh, get me! I'm planning on doing something!) - either that or I might conveniently have a migraine and DH can deal with her. If it's OK with you I'll keep you posted - even to let it all out has helped so much.

Thanks to all xx

Yy to a diplomatic migraine. I think you're right just to avoid and say nothing. I'm so glad you've got a good DH and he's got a good DW! Which colour are you thinking of for the fence? Keep us posted lovely xx

Well, there has been a bit of an update on this. Here goes:

Picked parents up as arranged on the Sunday (Mother's Day) and DSis went round to aunt's with a bunch of flowers and a present from me. Ended in both my aunt and her husband verbally attacking DSis. DSis asked that husband did not get involved, it was between DSis and aunt, he had nothing to do with it and there was no reason for him to also attack DSis. Apparently they kept screaming at her saying that it was all my fault as I was the one that had been rude inthe first place

After DSis asked him to back off he basically "invited her to leave" which she tried to do - except aunt kept grabbing at her and screaming "don't you dare walk away from me child". DSis is 28 and is on the verge of a panic attack at this point. Aunt then shouts that this is something that should be "kept between the three of us" and not to get DMum involved.

DSis then goes to my parents' (where I am as well - I had briefed DDad but not DMum - didn't want to upset her) - whilst she is en route aunt calls DMum to say that DSis has been rude, has stormed out and that they have to "talk about this situation".

Anyway, crux of it is that DMum is livid with aunt and her husband and is backing us completely, and she refuses to talk to aunt about any of it ("they're adults - it has nothing to do with me") Additionally aunt has said that she will not attend Easter dinner at parents'/DMum's 60th until DSis apologises to her husband. (Of note, aunt and husband were unspeakably rude to DH two years ago - never got even a whiff of an apology).

Aunt has written to me to say thank you for Mother's Day gift - all gushing ("I love you like you are my own and always will" ) and, I think, expects me to roll over and forget about it. She has also said to DMum on the phone that she doesn't know much about depression (I have tried to explain, she never fucking listens - she's always right) and is shocked that I'm not talking to ANYONE really over the phone atm - I just can't face it.

I'm quite happy never to see either of the toxic fuckwits again - DSis is actually the one encouraging me to contact them.

I think I'm going to ask MNHQ to move this thread - I'm a bit uncomfortable about it being on AIBU in case someone comes on and says YABU - I feel a little delicate!

Thanks for being there and for reassuring me - you've all given me the strength to realise that, actually, it's not me xx

PS fatherfluffybottom - I've gone for pale blue but due to the rain I've not done it yet - old Victorian house, we've just had it painted (white with black cills and pipes) and the kitchen window looks straight onto the fence - thought white was too stark and black too dark - so I just hope the blue looks OK!

Hello

We've moved this to 'Relationships' now at the OP's request.

You are doing amazingly! Yadnbu!! I am in a similar situation with a family member and I changed my phone number because it wasn't worth the stress or hassle to me. You are really strong even if you don't feel it, putting yourself first and that is the best thing for you.

Bloody hell ffs! I hope you don't mind me suddenly joining your thread, I've just read it and have come over all grrrrr! Your poor sis too.
Your aunt is first and foremost a nasty bully, and only secondly whatever nice characteristics she may have. It's really really not you!
Toxic fuckwits is perfect - how on earth do they think behaving like that is ok?? I know you can't choose your family, but you can damn well choose whether or not you see them!

From how you describe these rows, it sounds like she only picks on people when she's got them cornered or alone. Does she ever kick off when you're all together? If not, then you needn't fear bumping into her at family gatherings, she won't want to show her true face in front of everyone. Mind you, sounds like she's the only one under the illusion that she's a nice person!

I don't mind in the slightest Tiddly! Thank you both for your support, I'm so relieved it's not just me

Sadly when she was vile to poor DH it was in front of everyone - mind you, when I say everyone, we're only a very small clan (Dparents, DSis and her (then) bastard fiance (new BF is wonderful!), aunt/husband and DH and I). The pathetic thing was that DH was trying to offer professional advice and they accused him of advising as a way of "getting one up" on them. He's an architect ffs - they wanted a conservatory, the design that they wanted (and went ahead and got) was very likely to leak - he warned them of this, they went ahead with it and - guess what? IT LEAKED!!! But no, he didn't warn them because he genuinely wanted to help - he warned them to make sure that they felt thick

Have to admin jeanmiguelfangio (love the name btw!) I don't feel particularly strong - I just feel like I've shut down and can't cope. It's almost like my brain has shut off from being hurt and I just can't take it. Does that make sense?

Sorry to resurrect this thread but if there is anyone out there who could offer some wise words I'd be really grateful (I'm ffswhatnow - I can't get my name changed back but I'm actually feeling a bit stronger so being identified doesn't feel as much of a problem....but if you could still be gentle then I'd really appreciate it as I'm not quite there yet)

Anyway, since I last posted I haven't spoken to aunt or her bastard husband. We have continued with giving/receiving presents/cards etc (which tbh is something that I want to completely stop - I want nothing to do with them but I feel that I have to behave for another few months and not rock the boat). DH and I have both started new jobs and, thankfully, this means that she doesn't have my work email address (it's the one place where I feel "safe" iyswim).

DSis and her boyfriend got engaged a few months ago - terrific news and we're now all in the throes of helping out with wedding planning etc (we're not pushing in btw - if DSis/DBIL want us there then great but we're not forcing our way in iyswim). She's blissfully happy in her relationship, she has wonderful in-laws and everything is going swimmingly.

DSis and DMum are in slight contact with aunt - occasional email, odd phone call but that is it.

DSis sent a save the date card to them (wedding is in May) and response was not favourable. DSis wants them there (we have a ridiculously small family and not only would it be glaringly obvious if aunt wasn't there, but also having lost both grandmothers since DH and I got married it's important to her that aunt attends). Aunt is too concerned with "not wanting to ruin DSis's day" to consider attending the wedding at present - apparently it would create too much of an atmosphere and so she is undecided about whether she and her bastard husband (who I will just call BH from now on) will be attending.

So this is where I'm in a bit of a quandary.

DSis wants aunt there, aunt has said at the moment that she will not be there unless the "situation" has basically improved.

I have said that, although I will be courteous and polite, that is it. I do not want to see her, speak to her, nothing. If I have to at the wedding then fine, but it will be for DSis's sake and no one else's. Presents/cards etc are still being sent (inc. to BH's family who are actually lovely - I have no intention of falling out with them) but I don't want to rock the boat. Every fibre of my being wants to scream at my aunt to fuck off, that I never want to hear from her again and I regularly dream of punching her - I am not a violent person AT ALL and it actually makes me feel really guilty that I could dream of being violent

I know that if I were to be in contact with aunt then it is likely that she will attend and DSis would be happy.

But I can't bring myself to do it. I'm panicking, every time I think about having to see them my blood pressure goes through the roof and I end up with horrific bouts of diarrhoea (sorry - tmi ).

What do I do? Please, if anyone has any advice, please just tell me - I don't quite know where to turn.

Sorry for the epic post - I'm in ramble mode

So um, do I rightly understand that Aunt wants you to grovel for the offence she feels you caused back in March, as a condition of attending your sister's wedding? That's pretty unreasonable, frankly. And if that's her attitude is there any guarantee that she will behave on the day even if you do abase yourself before her? She may fall out with you or someone else, because falling out with people seems to be her thing.

ps Delighted to hear your, DH's and DSis's circumstances are much improved.

Thanks Annie

She's not said that she wants me to apologise etc to be fair (I think she knows that, having blubbed like a toddler at the time, that she is very unlikely to get anything else in the way of an apology) but she has said to my DSis that she will not be there unless "the air is cleared" iyswim. By that, and I can only go on what has happened previously, this means going back to regular contact, phone calls, family meals etc which I don't want to do.

In fairness, she wants things to be "cleared up" with all of us, not just me, it's just that I am the one refusing to back down (where as DSis and DMum are in contact with her)

I feel that, because I'm the one who doesn't want to see/speak to her etc, that I am the one maintaining the rift and preventing it from being papered over healed. Does that make sense?

Sorry for slow response - yes it does make sense and I'm sure you're right. Trouble is, difficult people are always tiptoed around by nice people for the sake of keeping things sweet, so the lesson that being difficult pays is reinforced. It's just wrong that you are feeling ill over this when you have in fact done nothing wrong.

I suppose you could be a massive hypocrite and go back to regular contact etc until the wedding is over and then drop them like two turds stones from a great height. But that might be a sacrifice too far, if not impossible to fake. Playing nice for one day for your sister's sake is absolutely right and decent (hell, I managed to be polite ish to XH at our son's wedding, stand next to him in photos, smiling even; I should have had a medal for that). Doing it for months and months in advance is beyond the call of duty. I do hope DM and DSis understand this is hard for you. You're not just being stubborn for the sake of it.

I would talk to your sister and ask how important it is to her and how much she would like you to bend for your aunt to be there. She may agree that there is a point where your aunt being there isn't worth it. On the other hand, if it is a matter of behaving on the day and your aunt agrees to that, then that might be ok for you?

Hi. just briefly caught up on your thread. So glad things have improved for you. Your Aunt is clearly using this to emotionally blackmail you all into pandering to her. I hope your sis understands it would be unreasonable to expect you to do this. Unless I missef something further down the thread and it was only the flight number you fell out about she holds one hell of a grudge!

I genuinely think that, if it was just for the one day, I'd be able to be civil to her (OK, I may be panicking already even thinking about it, but that's what a stiff vodka is for, isn't it(!)) It's the "we need to get this resolved first" attitude that is really worrying me - I don't honestly think that I could resume contact and drop the bastards again after the wedding. There is unfortunately a massive risk that, in the process, I would say something that I regretted.

Annie I think I remember reading your threads - if you are the poster I'm thinking of then you most definitely deserve a medal for being polite to that dickhead!

I'm pretty sure that DSis and DMum understand my position and don't "blame" me for not wanting to be in contact, but I feel guilty that, potentially, if I keep with the no contact then it could result in her not attending - which I know my DSis would be very upset about. Even she has said that, if she doesn't attend, then she is likely to also go no contact. Which for my DSis is very unusual - normally she is a very diplomatic peace-keeper (just wish my aunt could have recognised that before attacking her).

DSis has been through so much with her ex, and in general, that she deserves the happiest of starts to married life. But what if I compromise that by not getting in touch with aunt and pretending that everything is "hunky-dory" and aunt doesn't turn up?

But once again, this is aunt making it all about herself again. Rather than turn up and behave, she has said that she "doesn't want there to be an atmosphere that could ruin the day" and that she is "only thinking about DSis" Surely she could turn up, behave, make sure that there ISN'T an atmosphere and make sure that she is there for her niece.

Yep, Clouds, you're spot on: this was all over a flight number. Which then escalated into her telling me how bloody rude I was. And then, following her treatment of my DSis and DParents, I basically decided that I was done with her.

She could also phone you and apologise to you for making you cry and to your sis for upsetting her too! That way she clears the air for situations she's created rather than expecting it the other way around !

It sounds like the whole day would be rather more pleasant without her. I would be inclined to take your time to see how things pan out. Your aunt is probably waiting with baited breath for your call. Let her stew. You can bet your life she wants to go desperately but also wants to be back in favour with the family. She seems to see this as a way of achieving both goals with her in control.

Sorry everyone, I'm going to bore you with the next riveting installment.

Well, the invites have been sent and they have responded - they're coming.

Any pearls of wisdom on how the fuck I deal with seeing them? I'm actually starting to panic about it already.

I don't know if it's worth mentioning, but Christmas presents were exchanged and they sent me a gift for my birthday this week. They (well, aunt) is obviously trying to keep a link there but there is still no breath of an apology.

I know I've got to be nicey nicey and polite/serene at the wedding, but I really don't know how to keep a lid in how I really feel and remain calm.

Help!

Ok, I'm really sorry to resurrect this again but I'm now shitting myself.

We're seeing them again in 2 weeks. The wedding is in May and I thought I'd have a bit more time to prepare but now I don't. I thought I was getting stronger etc but I'm now so worried and stressed out that I've thrown up.

Please - is anyone there? Can anyone offer any advice? Or offer me some big girl pants and a grip?

Hello,
I have one particularly difficult relative, prone to extreme bullying, blackmail and manipulation. Also prone to flying off the handle at small things. The only way I have managed to get on top of it was by emotionally distancing myself. Also, very limited contact. The way I do it now is that if he is at all difficult, I simply cool contact completely until it suits me to resume it.

Attend your sister's wedding, but can you miss this occasion in a couple of weeks' time?

I think you behave as if nothing has happened. It's a wedding so lots of other stuff happening and neither of you centre of attention (good).

So I'd be inclined to say something like 'lovely to see you Auntie x, how's your back, what a gorgeous hat, don't you just love DSis' dress' etc etc.

If she is rude enough to refer to your differences I'd go down the bland route then make your excuses that you need to speak to someone else.

Hopefully she will meet you halfway and you can resurrect your relationship. Others will disagree but for me, family is important.

Hope you all have a great day.