I probably am being unreasonable but please be gentle - UPDATE

[ffswhatnow]

Parents are away at the moment, I am picking them up from the airport on Sunday. Aunt has flight number and details, I know the airport, terminal and time it gets in.

She calls me tonight (literally five minutes after I get in from work - I'm trying to get the shopping put away) to give me flight number.

DH has just been made redundant, finishes mid April, I am having the most awful time at work (think bullying/harassment), I have MH problems and in the middle of a severe depressive episode, seeing a psychiatrist next week. She knows this.

She has just had major back surgery and is in quite a lot of pain. I've not been able to go to see her since she had it done (DH has understandably been low and doesn't like me being away from him when he's in - not posessive at all - more like he feels very low and needs the company).

Aunt called tonight, bit of a chat whilst I was getting shopping sorted and then I sat down. U~tterly awful behaviour I know, but I did. She wanted to give me flight number. Mother being incredibly picky about making sure I had the information but ho hum

Explained that I would look up flight info on Sunday, to make sure that they hadn't bneen delayed, and that it's OK - I don't really need the flight number.

Now she took real offence at this -I had just sat down, I'm mentally and emotionally exhaused (I've been crying for days) and she wanted me to go and get a pen and take all the details. I can't believe i'm writing this - it soounds so pathetic. She then turned on me and said that I was being really rude and that I wasn't to "do her any favours" by taking the flight number down. She then hung up before i had a chance to find oiut what they were doing over the weekend so that I could drop off a "Mother's Day" gift (she doesn't have children, my sis and I give her a little gift every year, this year I made her a necklace )

I know I sound incredibly pathetic and I probably am BU - please be gentle

It's much much better, I still have periods now and again where I feel myself sinking. I tend to indulge the darkness for a couple of days and then force myself to shake it off.

You've made your apology she can accept it or not. You don't have to keep apologising.

Can you talk to your mum about how low you feel?

What a horrible woman. I'm sorry for what she's been through, but there's no excuse for that.

You really weren't rude at all. At worst, absolute worst... you were mildly inconsiderate, and you weren't really even that.

Maybe NC would be the way to go (I realise that's a big deal but maybe to cfor the future).

*to consider

Could you talk to your mum about it all?

Yep, you're being a bit lame.

Your aunt probably took offence because your tone probably wasn't very nice. She wasn't to know you were stressed/trying to put shopping away.

But she could have accepted your apology more gracefully.

Not really - since Dsis and i left home she's turned into a bit of a "work martyr" - she works long hours during the weeks and at weekends and I always feel like I'm intruding on her time. Also she keeps trying to make daft suggestions (like "I think you'd better read up on depression" - why? I know how I feel, I don't want to know the ins and outs of a ducks arse, I just want to feel better) and soemtimes it's just easier not to pour my heart out.

God I sound like a totally heartless bitch - I promise I'm not

Cats there are only 8 of us left - too small a group to be able to "hide" from her and her husband iyswim (he has also been pretty short on the phone to me tonight - he answered). ATM I don't want to speak to her at all, ever, but how can I avoid her/avoid getting into another argument?

Toby - yep, Lemon agrees - lame and weedy are my middle names atm! Can't help it I'm afraid, I've completely crumbled!

I think she sounded like the silly one. And that's a bit patronising. Cool contact with her to you feel better, don't cry Infront of her again either. You have enough on your plate have a cup of tea and tell yourself your fine. You will be fine. Lots of love

Just to be clear (and I'm really not meaning to be a cow here) but she knows the lot - depression, tablets, upping the doses until they can't without me seeing a psychiatrist, DH losing his job, me being in a job I hate (after fracturing my spine in 2 places and being off for 6 months they moved me to a Dept where I'm completely hated, and I'm inan office right next to the building my grandad died in) - absolutely everything. Even down to the utter desperation that, after beign together for 13 years and married for 4, we can't afford to have kids - ESPECIALLY now that DH has lost his job.

I'm an open book - I can't lie to save my life, so it's easier to be truthful. And my Aunt knows everything

Sorry, my last post sounded harsh

I'd say definitely cool off contact with her for a bit. She's not helping your state of mind.

I really wouldn't worry about the party right now, sounds like you have enough on your plate (apols for cliche).

Think about it when you're feeling a bit stronger

Bear in mind also things that we might brush off when feeling 100% can feel a lot worse/bigger deal when depressed.

Having said that she doesn't sound very nice anyway, based on your comments here.

If she knows all that and she still laid into you then she's really not a very nice person.

I've got until the beginning of April to think about this do - I may well be back on here before then pleading for more help!

I'm going to try to get some kip, barely slept in a week so I;m relying ona wee dram of whisky to assist. Thank you everyone for taking the time to post, I really appreciate it xx

Ok it's too late for this time but I'm going to let you in on a secret.....

You don't have to answer the phone. If it's not convenient for you to talk then then don't. There are wonderful things like answer phones and missed call reminders and 1471 which means that messages will still get through. And yet it is somehow in-built into us that we must answer the phone no matter what!

And just to make you laugh......

Many years ago when h and I were still newlyweds we were "having fun" on his desk (at home before anyone starts wondering) and the phone (right next to us on the desk) starts ringing. We carry on (although slightly distracted) until the answer phone kicks in. It's my mum. Who leaves this very long ramble message about not a lot before finally finishing with "anyway I guess you are out...or maybe busy..." at which point we give in to the inevitable and I answer the phone pretending to have just got in. Cue 30 minute conversation with mum whilst trying to retrieve my knickers.....

Sweetie you've got until April NOT to think about this. Seriously you've got too much on your plate right now and mummytokatie is right, if you don't feel up to talking ignore the phone!

Not answering the phone if you don't want to is very good advice!

Honey, stop apologising. You don't sound at all harsh.

Please, please don't speak to her again until you've calmed down. And I'm sorry but if someone in pain calls you and apologises in tears, you accept it with grace. You don't snap back 'you were very rude.'

I am officially deeply unimpressed with your aunt now.

Okay that's about enough out of her! Agree completely with Panpiper. She sounds as if she's generally extremely self-centered and expects other people to fall in with her on even the smallest things. Which, well, you know what, that's going to cause discord. I'm sorry it made you feel so bad but it was not your fault.

Sorry I've not been back since Thursday - I've well and truly shrunk back into myself in the last couple of days.

I thought I'd post an update - there have been a couple of developments and I don't know whether or not I'm being unreasonable by not acting on them

DSis called her yesterday to see if she was OK (I asked her to do this when I spoke to DSis on Thursday night - just to try to calm the water iyswim - especially important as I really, really don't want to ruin my mum's 60th over a fucking flight number).

First phone call - aunt reduced DSis to tears. DSis trying to be calm and sympathetic - met with a rsponse of "don't be condescending, it doesn't suit you" . DSis was at work, a quick call during a coffee break turned into a mammoth session of aunt being, well, vile to DSis. Conversation finished with DSis deeply upset and only nine minutes before she was due to start interviewing.

I get a message from DSis to say "avoid aunt for weekend, she's being nasty".

Second phone call - aunt called DSis - obviously upset but, from what I can gather, making it all about her - "I feel like such a bad aunt" (!) DSis sympathetic and still trying to smooth things over.

DH and DSis in touch during the day - apparently aunt wanted to call me last night. Both advised that I speak to her and "play nicely" (they are "on my side" but for the sake of peace and quiet said that it would be better just to speak to her and move on).

My reaction? Got home, unplugged phone and turned mobile off. I do not want to speak to her AT ALL atm. DH and DSis obviously a bit frustrated but are backing me.

Phone still unplugged but mobile on - call this morning froma number I didn't recognise - it was aunt being all bright and breezy like nothing has happened. I feigned connection problems, hung up and turned it off.

I'm sorry to be so needy again, but I just don't know what way is up at the moment. I feel like it's the equivalent of me going over there, knowing that her back is causing her pain, and pushing her over on a tiled floor - it sounds really pathetic but I feel like, mentally, she has done exactly that to me.

I'm worried about her turning up unannounced, that she is going to speak to my parents and make it out that I am the one causing problems and totally in the wrong, that she is going to continue to try calling.

I'm so sorry this is so long - if you've got to the end of this, especially after my first mammoth post have a and

Hi ffs, I was on your other thread. I really feel for you. This crap is the last, last thing you need at the moment. Your aunt is being absolutely dreadful to you. Being in pain DOES NOT give her a licence (sp?) to hurt you. Sounds like it's her underlying personality anyway so would take all these excuses with a pinch of salt.

What I would do is say to your DH and DSis that you are ILL and you are going to bed and you will not be taking ANY phonecalls from ANYONE or be seeing anyone who turns up (because it's quite possible the rest of the family will weigh in) and you don't want to be told of any communications either. Tell them if they value you and want you to stay on this planet as you are, without you going absolutely so low you might not come back from it,(not saying that you will at all do this and there is all the hope in the world but you do need support. Depression is very, very serious) then they are going to have to look after you for a change. (I have to tell people how low I'm getting at times before I get any help or consideration and sometimes you have to lay it on with a trowel before anyone takes any notice)

I KNOW how difficult this will be for you but honestly, the world needs to turn without you for a while and your DH and DSis need to know how bad you're feeling. YOU need support, not them for once. It's their turn to be strong for you, not the other way around.

Best wishes honey. Take care xx

You poor thing! I don't blame you one bit and you are quite right not to speak to her.

She sounds like an unpleasant and manipulative individual, and it also sounds like she's the type people end up pandering to because otherwise she'll make their lives a complete misery. Look at all the drama and upset she's created over a phone call.

I wonder if you might find the stately homes thread helpful?

Btw, if she can turn up anywhere unexpectedly, she can't be in that much pain!

Father thank you for taking the time to post

DH and I have spoken about it again this morning and I've said to him that, if I see her now, that I'm likely to say something that I'll regret - and that that is the reason why I don't want to see/speak to her. I haven't really wanted to tell him just how crap I feel, I don't want things to be any worse for him than they already are iyswim. I'm going to have to be blunt, aren't I?

Have to admit, DH is otherwise really, really supportive - it's just this one stumbling block that he can't see why I don't just talk to her. He was supposed to go out last night (goes to a club every Friday - not drinking or anything like that - they race toys!) and after a week of slaving over his portfolio, CV and LinkedIn every night he needed a night out. Instead, he cancelled going, called DSis during day and arranged for her and her BF (who is lovely) to come over for pizza and beer last night, just so that they could be around to offer some support and make sure I wasn't on my own. Which was absolutely fine - lots of hugs from DH and DSis, box of tissues at the ready and watching crap TV with a cat on my lap.

We're a very, very small family (DSis and BF, DM&D, aunt and uncle, and DH and I) and everything has to involve big family get togethers (birthdays, usually mother's/father's day (although DM&D away until tomorrow so that isn't happening), Christmas/Easter are times when we all see each other EVERY DAY - it's very suffocating at times). Everyone weighs in on everyone else's business and it can make things extremely difficult, although following past problems with my aunt I don't think DM&D will completely blame me for this one. I just hope I've got the strength to consistently turn them away when I just need to be left "alone" - i.e. away from arguments etc.

flippinada that's EXACTLY what she's like - causes such a fucking fuss that it's easier just to put it all behind you and continue to walk on egg shells.

She got married 10 years ago (she was 48 - first marriage) - it seems like, since then, she will argue with anyone as long as it is not her husband. DSis said that she felt she was spoiling for a fight yesterday, possibly because she has been stuck in the house with just her husband for company.

She's not able to drive herself atm (we all live very close - DSis in same village, aunt and husband about 10 mins drive away, DM&D about 20 mins drive away) but I know that he would drive her over to us if she requested it. And then it would be a case of "I've come over and I'm in pain, you have to let me in and talk to me"