fed up of grumpy dh

[thepixiefrog]

Just that really. When he's tired he is so grumpy, has no patience with the DC or me, and if we do have a disagreement he is rude and dismissive of me.

This morning ds1 was having a tantrum about his cereal (he asked for it then changed his mind once it was in front of him). Dh managed to keep his cool for about 5 minutes then lost his rag and started using his loud authoritarian voice, which is full of menace and anger. He sounds aggressive and bullying when he does this, I hate it. He eventually controlled himself and ds went into another room. Then dh and I had a minor disagreement about something that dh forgot to do. I was annoyed, but I didn't raise my voice, interrupt or say anything unreasonable. Dh did all of the above with much eye rolling and face pulling (he screws his face up into this horrible look of disgust and contempt and I feel like I could hit him, I NEVER would but I feel this flash of rage when he does it).

When he gets home tonight he will apologise and say it was because he was stressed from his encounter with D's, and blah blah blah.
He ALWAYS says sorry and looks sheepish and says he will work on his anger management, but it's been 10 fucking years and I don't believe him anymore!

Our 2 DC's speak to me the way he does when they are angry and it distresses me massively to see the negative effects our dysfunctional relationship has on them.

I want to be treated with respect ALL the time, even when when dh is tired or annoyed. I don't want to deny his feelings, we all feel angry at times, but the way he expresses it is unacceptable.

Sorry to rant, I just needed to get it all out.

Hope you feel ok today Pixie. I agree totally with Thistledew, and am appalled at some of the goading comments posted. Completely ridiculous.
I think you are finding it difficult to put yourself first for a change, but you have to. Your kids won't suffer too much from one or two missed trips if the outcome is a more settled and happier family set up.

Let me see if I can explain it better.

The initial problem was that he was grumpy, etc
It seems that he has started acting or talking about being a better person.
All of a sudden he reads something you posted here, a public forum, regardless of whatever boundaries you had, and you are angry about that specific action.
Before you were numb.
It feels like the last drop to me and not the main issue.

I think you will have to realise what you really feel about him and your reasons for it more clearly.

He's just texted and he's being really over the top! He says he wants to go and stay with his DM which is 45 mins away, and wants to collect some things while we are out. So no explanation for the boys, no telling them when he'll be back, that's just all left to me!

I phoned and pointed out that it wasn't fair to me or DC for him to just disappear with no explanation. I don't get to bow out of being a Mum why should he relinquish the responsibilities of parenthood?

Anyway, he said he would come back soon and talk to the DC. He suggested getting his DM to take the boys for the day, and I suggested that he could take them there and actually spend some time with them. If he's not going to be around for the foreseeable future then he needs to make the most of weekends. He agreed.

This is exhausting! He has a dramatic episode and I have to talk him back down to earth. It's so ridiculously over the top.

Let him go to him dm, don't argue about it seems like a fair plan.
Now forget about him for a few days and turn your phone off. ( tell him you will do this )

He came back and we have talked. I've calmed down and I totally understand his need to be away from the home. He needs space to think and that's all fine.

He admitted to knowing that he would find me on mn. He was having a panic attack and he was frantically searching for answers/comfort and usually when he feels like that he talks to me, and I talk him down and provide that comfort. He couldn't talk directly to me so he went into my space.

Now that he has been honest and I understand his motivations I feel a lot better about things. He's staying with his dm for a couple of nights and we'll talk after that.

He says he realises that he needs to learn to resolve his anger/upset/anxiety on his own rather than passing it all to me to resolve for him. He's always been like this and it is why he went on mn.

I really want us to work and I think we can. We'll just taken it slow and be patient with each other. We both love each other and want to be together, so with some hard work and honesty we can hopefully solve most of our issues.

I'm aware it's not going to happen overnight, but I am hopeful.

A big thank you to everyone who has offered support. I really appreciate it.x

pixie that sounds like good news to me.

you are so right to give him the responsibility for his own thoughts, words and feelings. it's hard, but the only way he can grow and hopefully change.

you sound strong. look after yourself, don't doubt what you are doing.
hope you manage to have a calm day.

My apologies that I came across blunt. Marriage is a 2 way street, when the traffic is flowing its all good, sometimes a small accident one one side causes a hold up on the other, some times the accident spills into the other lane.
When you respond to me saying I am in the 50's because I please my man, I can understand why the road gets blocked. No doubt you don't work, you moan about the school run, you moan about your minor pains and everything else.

It is a two way street, instead of blaming him for everything, try and understand why your man may be unhappy, you might find you are not snow white.

gracey not really redeemed yourself much there. You " please your man" do you please yourself too or is that a one way street.
The op said nothing about their sex life and her dh was being an arse regardless.
As for your assumption that she doesn't work (so what) and moaning about the school run I don't see any relevance whatsoever.
I hate to break it to you but it's the 21st century and women don't need to put up with oafish behaviour just because they don't give their dh a regular blow job!!!

Gracey, I didn't mention the 1950's at all, that was another poster. Why do you think I don't work? I do, 30 hours a week. You make a lot of assumptions about me and my life. It's really very rude.

Because you are only giving one side of the story it leaves a lot of space for assumptions. Instead of just blaming DH, try and look at the bigger picture.
And my references are from personal experience, I let my (now ex) DH go as I was unwilling to understand why he was grumpy, when I look back now at what my DC and I lost because all I did was blame him.