fed up of grumpy dh

[thepixiefrog]

Just that really. When he's tired he is so grumpy, has no patience with the DC or me, and if we do have a disagreement he is rude and dismissive of me.

This morning ds1 was having a tantrum about his cereal (he asked for it then changed his mind once it was in front of him). Dh managed to keep his cool for about 5 minutes then lost his rag and started using his loud authoritarian voice, which is full of menace and anger. He sounds aggressive and bullying when he does this, I hate it. He eventually controlled himself and ds went into another room. Then dh and I had a minor disagreement about something that dh forgot to do. I was annoyed, but I didn't raise my voice, interrupt or say anything unreasonable. Dh did all of the above with much eye rolling and face pulling (he screws his face up into this horrible look of disgust and contempt and I feel like I could hit him, I NEVER would but I feel this flash of rage when he does it).

When he gets home tonight he will apologise and say it was because he was stressed from his encounter with D's, and blah blah blah.
He ALWAYS says sorry and looks sheepish and says he will work on his anger management, but it's been 10 fucking years and I don't believe him anymore!

Our 2 DC's speak to me the way he does when they are angry and it distresses me massively to see the negative effects our dysfunctional relationship has on them.

I want to be treated with respect ALL the time, even when when dh is tired or annoyed. I don't want to deny his feelings, we all feel angry at times, but the way he expresses it is unacceptable.

Sorry to rant, I just needed to get it all out.

Good luck op

I think the reason you feel 'numb' is that, even though you're pleased with his initial reaction, you can't help thinking that this is all just a bigger, more dramatic version of 'saying sorry and looking sheepish'. In other words, you've been here before many times, he talks a good game and you don't have the confidence he'll follow through.

So don't feel bad about not being sure about the marriage. That is a perfectly valid response to this experience. This is not a problem of your making, not your responsibility to fix and you are under no obligation, just because he says 'I'm in therapy' to carry on being his partner.

Cogito, you've exactly explained how I'm feeling. I'll just wait and see how it pans out.

Good luck.... but you know better than most that actions speak louder than words. This has to be entirely his initiative, he has to show enthusiasm, change for the better and then sustain that change. And... even then... you are under no obligation to carry on being married to him. Never forget that.

amillionyears, back off. If it's the poster that I think you are referring to, you simply have no idea how helpful and thoughtful her posts can be.

With respect, please don't use my thread as a place to cast aspersions at other posters.

I want to be able to come here for comfort, support and advice while I experience a traumatic and upsetting point in my marriage.

If you want to confront a poster about their advice and motives please begin your own thread or pm them.

thepixiefrog, fair enough.

i hope he follows thru op.
it is a good start.

maybe if he can come back with a concrete list of strategies he can pin to the wall for all to see and refer to (ie you and him, eg - "when feeling angry i will leave the room/count to ten/xxxxx" so all you need to do is point to it as a reminder?

My dh has similar grumpiness and anger problems. We split up for a while over that, and his controlling behaviour.
It took him a while to see that how he treated me was unfair and abusive. Took me years to realise beforehand. Seems like a really good sign that your h recognises his behaviour for what it is.

My h had some counselling (not enough though) to sort himself out, and the counselling we had together helped us to come up with a plan for when he is 'grumpy'.
He is still working on it and things between us are not too good, as the not-grumpy version of h seems a bit fake, and his outbursts are still here though less severe.

What is working for us is h managing his own behaviour- when he comes home in a bad mood, he now goes elsewhere in the house and doesn't ruin the atmosphere and fun for me and the kids. Means no more hideous anger displays, thank god. He still struggles with actually dealing wih his feelings and expressing what he is angry about, usually because it isn't reasonable.

I am hoping change is possible for my h and yours, time will tell. Glad you have managed to sort out a way forward with him still living with you all. How's it going tonight?

After starting to feel a lot warmer towards dh because of obvious dedication to fixing the problem etc. he goes and looks at mumsnet for 'guidance' and reads one of my threads (the one about being confused about my feelings for him, so really personal and not something I was ready to share with him).

He told me this morning, said he feels horribly guilty, and that it genuinely didn't occur to him that he would come across anything that I had posted as he thought I only lurked. I really don't know why he assumed I didn't post, is he really that stupid or is he lying?

I'm epically pissed off! It feels so controlling. He claims to have only read the op, and once he realised it was mine he quickly came off the website and didn't read further.

I'm also fuming that he can't deal with his own feelings of guilt and had to make it my problem. If he had no intention of ever going on again he could have just left it at that and kept quiet. Confessing may be seen as 'the right thing to do' but sometimes it just causes more heartache, and right now I feel so betrayed and angry.

Oh pixie, I think you are very right to be wary and that he is turning the tables to try and make you be the bad guy. I am not surprised you feel betrayed and angry. It is controlling behaviour.

Did he leave the house in the end? Because if he didn't now might be a good time to revisit that conversation.

He's not trying to make me the bad guy. He hasn't said anything about being hurt by the content of the post or accusing me of withholding my thoughts and feelings. He is adamant that he respects my right to privacy and the what I said in the post is totally understandable considering the circumstances.

I know he means it now, but once all this anger management stuff gets dealt with and life feels normal again, he'll start feeling anxious and insecure about what I wrote. I can't take it back, he can't unread it and I don't see him being able to forget it, even if he wants to.

He's staying at a friends tonight. His suggestion and I didn't argue! He was on the sofa for the last two nights, but I definitely need space from him now considering he violated my privacy. Prick!

" He's not trying to make me the bad guy."
Sorry misunderstood what you said. Although it maybe a tactic he uses in the future. And I don't believe the "guidance" line for him being on MN.

I am glad he's out of the house tonight though you definitely need that space.

In don't really know what to do from here though. What is a reasonable reaction to what he's just done? I'm finding it soooo difficult into feel anything, I've just cut off my emotions for the time being and they'll probably come flooding back in a couple of weeks or so.

Tbh I'm not sure his looking at mumsnet is necessarily controlling. It could simply be his effort to understand what you are feeling. I imagine he must be feeling very confused at the moment.

I understand why you feel your privacy was violated, but it is a public forum, not quite the same as snooping through private messages. I would namechange though!

Are you discussing this with your counsellor? Seems like you have a lot going on, might be good to take it slowly, keep talking to h.

I think he overstepped a line when he read your thread... After all he either knows your username or just knows that it is your story and has thus helped himself to all your inner fears and feelings without your permission!

I would feel very tricked and manipulated.. That information wasn't for him. It's different for us lot, you are anonymous to us.

He couldn't resist reading it!

Then he felt bad and hence the confession.

It's like reading your diary and I would be livid.

He only read the OP and nothing else? Do you believe that? Because I think he has read everything including this tgread in an attempt to find out what is giving you the push to challenge him on his bullying behaviour.
It is information gathering so he can stay one step ahead, I think.
I also think the sobbing in the bedroom when you told him you weren't going to put up with his behaviour was show boating and manipulative.
Sorry if this sounds harsh but that's the way it seems to me.

Yes he had a fright and sobbing / breaking down is another way to get his own way!
It's all about control.

I also think by telling you he's been on this site, it's going to make you think twice about discussing anything. A subtle way of letting you know that he can reach you anywhere.

What about nc and otbt?

Well, I'm actually beginning to feel something today after being numb for ages and I am ANGRY!

I can't be arsed to nc, I'm not going to controlled and manipulated into not discussing things on here, and I'm not going to hold back on the details just because he might 'stumble' across anything.

He's a total tit! He asked me if I know if there's any chance for this relationship and I told him that I really don't know. If he hadn't invaded my privacy then I would have definitely felt really good about his efforts and dedication to change things. As it is, I don't have any good feelings about him at the moment. I'm just so fucking angry!

I need some advice....

I told him how angry I feel and that I don't know what this means with regards to the marriage, as until the anger subsides I can't make any clear headed decisions.

I also told him he could stay in the house (but not the same bedroom) but only if he kept his anxieties to himself. He keeps wanting to talk about how he's feeling and asking if I have any idea if our relationship is salvagable, and I find it too needy and suffocating. I know he's having a very bad time (panic attacks, being sick etc and I don't believe it is staged) but I can only cope with him if he keeps all that to himself. He needs to find someone else to talk to about how he is feeling doesn't he?

Anyway, he's decided to stay with a friend tonight and tomorrow (don't know what to tell the dc when he isn't here tomorrow) as he can't control his panic and urge to talk about things. I agreed.

I have not been sympathetic at all. I have been honest and practical but have shown no empathy as I'm too pissed off. I'm not being vindictive or cruel, bit I can't be supportive during his attacks of anxiety.

Am I being too cold? Should I be kinder and more supportive? I don't know if I'm being reasonable in maintaining this distance, or if I am being, in fact, a total cow bag.

OP, it sounds to me that you have been more than kind and understanding for the last 10 years.

Please try to hold fast with that anger and follow through what you have stated. In the last few posts you have made perfect sense.

I don't know... Are you worried that you are being over controlling now after taking his bad behaviour for so long?
Do you think you could do with some outside help before it is too late for your relationship, if you want to salvage it?
Sounds like he is prepared to be reasonable now. Could you get a babysitter and meet up to talk about his and your feelings? Some kindness and understanding on your part might be a good idea if you want to stay together, if he is really going to sort out his outbursts.