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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

fed up of grumpy dh

111 replies

thepixiefrog · 04/03/2013 12:08

Just that really. When he's tired he is so grumpy, has no patience with the DC or me, and if we do have a disagreement he is rude and dismissive of me.

This morning ds1 was having a tantrum about his cereal (he asked for it then changed his mind once it was in front of him). Dh managed to keep his cool for about 5 minutes then lost his rag and started using his loud authoritarian voice, which is full of menace and anger. He sounds aggressive and bullying when he does this, I hate it. He eventually controlled himself and ds went into another room. Then dh and I had a minor disagreement about something that dh forgot to do. I was annoyed, but I didn't raise my voice, interrupt or say anything unreasonable. Dh did all of the above with much eye rolling and face pulling (he screws his face up into this horrible look of disgust and contempt and I feel like I could hit him, I NEVER would but I feel this flash of rage when he does it).

When he gets home tonight he will apologise and say it was because he was stressed from his encounter with D's, and blah blah blah.
He ALWAYS says sorry and looks sheepish and says he will work on his anger management, but it's been 10 fucking years and I don't believe him anymore!

Our 2 DC's speak to me the way he does when they are angry and it distresses me massively to see the negative effects our dysfunctional relationship has on them.

I want to be treated with respect ALL the time, even when when dh is tired or annoyed. I don't want to deny his feelings, we all feel angry at times, but the way he expresses it is unacceptable.

Sorry to rant, I just needed to get it all out.

OP posts:
Original poster
thepixiefrog · 08/03/2013 21:55

Thanks phoenix. Can't stop crying. I'm so scared of being lonely. I don't have many friends and I'm crap at making new ones. If we are splitting up I'm going to lose the person who knows and loves me best of all.

I'm not caving in, I still feel anger and hurt. It's just that i feel grief too.

What do I tell the boys about where daddy is? Maybe that he had to go to work for an emergency.

Really, really can't stop crying.

OP posts:
dopeysheep · 08/03/2013 22:00

He sounds terribly dramatic, and you need some calm space to think. You can't be expected to do that with hin around clinging to you like a toddler.
Some time apart will do you good I think, I really think you need the space ir you will drown.
Can you say to your boys that their dad is visiting friends?
Be kind to yourself and give yourself some breathing room.

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 08/03/2013 22:02

Mowzer, I just can't be the one to comfort him right now. I know he's feeling bad and innate that he does, but I feel he needs to be responsible for resolving his own anxieties I.e, he needs to talk to friends/family, not me because I'm trying to deal with my own hurt, which was caused by him!

OP posts:
dopeysheep · 08/03/2013 22:05

Why should you comfort him? You need comfort and reassurance not a guilt trip.

Don't let him make this all about him.

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 08/03/2013 22:08

Hi Dopey, you're right, he is dramatic but I don't think he can help it (he's american!)

Since he left tonight he's phoned twice! I've told him to back off as he's suffocating me and nothing will be resolved if I don't have space.

I feel calmer now. Going to read a book and fry to sleep. I'm feeling very little iykwim.

OP posts:
Original poster
thepixiefrog · 08/03/2013 22:13

Also mowzer, it's not about the outbursts now. We would be doing OK if he hadn't looked at my thread. I know you say it's a public forum and all, but he chose to look here knowing this is where I come. Months ago I asked if he wanted to join mn as he liked the things I read to him, but he said no because it's my space and he didn't want to intrude on that.

He said this all by himself with no prompting from me, so when he came on here the other night he knew he was invading my privacy. I don't know if I can get over that.

OP posts:
mowzer · 08/03/2013 22:41

Probably had too much wine now to reply to you, so apologies if this makes no sense!

But, that is different if he has previously recognised mn as 'your space'. My dh has previously looked on mn in desperation to try to understand me, and I think he genuinely did want to get where I was coming from.

Not saying you should comfort him, but keeping lines of communication open seems like a good idea to me.

If you can't get over it, fair enough. No one can make you make a relationship work. Make sure it is what you want first though. Enjoy your book xx

Lueji · 09/03/2013 04:40

Being very honest here, I don't think him coming to MN is such a big problem.
I do think you should also be honest about your feeling towards him.
I get the impression that you are using it as your reason to be angry because he was giving a show about how he was going to change and so on, but you don't believe it.

I think that's fine, just that you need to be honest to yourself about the reasons for leaving him, if it turns out that way.

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 09/03/2013 06:45

Lueji, I am not using it as an excuse to be angry. It is the exact reason in am angry. I believe very much that he is now taking notice and willing to do whatever it takes to sort his behaviour out. He has had 2 therapy sessions this week and has another on Monday. He really is doing his best, more in one week than he's done in 10 years.

You may not feel that looking at mn would be a problem for you, but for be it's a big betrayal and I need to get over the feeling of anger and hurt so that I can see our relationship clearly and make rational decisions about it.

Believe me, if I was angry about something else in would just be angry about something else and I'd be open about it. I don't see the point playing games and using excuses saying one thing and meaning another. Don't assume you know me and my motivations. I don't really understand why you would think that I'm trying to delude people on mn into thinking my reasons are other than they actually are. It doesn't make sense to me.

OP posts:
Shannaratiger · 09/03/2013 06:54

You could have been talking about my dp and dc's! Shock
Glad I'm not the only one. Wine

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 09/03/2013 07:12

I hope you're dealing with things OK shannaratiger. Feeling pretty low this morning. DC keep asking to go on the day trip dh was planning for them today, and they're not having any of my excuses! It's to visit mil and I really don't want to have to deal with her today, especially with big puffy 'been up all night crying' eyes.

Oh well, I'm sure I feel better in a bit.

OP posts:
AlisonMoyet · 09/03/2013 07:29

I think if you're worried he'd read stuff you should have name changed. Public forum etc.
think yours is a weak argument.

AlisonMoyet · 09/03/2013 07:31

(He's still a tit though)

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 09/03/2013 07:47

I'm not worried that he'll do it again. I don't care , he's already crossed that line. It was the initial poking around that has hurt me. I never in a million years thought he would ever do that, especially since he said that he considered it my 'space'. That is what hurts. It's not about being logical or having a 'strong' argument, it's about how I feel and I FEEL betrayed and angry right now. Maybe I was a fool for trusting he would respect my privacy bug we live and learn don't we?

OP posts:
silverstaresatnight · 09/03/2013 07:51

Some people may not care but you do, and presumably he knows that. If he crossed that line he lost your trust.

Graceymakelot · 09/03/2013 07:53

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 09/03/2013 08:03

That's really personal and uncalled for. Are you saying I deserve to endure my dh bullying my kids because i don't give him enough?

It's not just a little grumpiness and it preceded the appearance of children. Read the thread. That is no longer the issue.

Also, any sexual problems are down to the fact that I was sexually abused as a child, which was not my fault and totally beyond my control. You are hurtful and insensitive.

OP posts:
Thistledew · 09/03/2013 08:06

It seems your DH is continuing to make his moods your responsibility- he did it with his anger and moods, and he is now doing it with his tears and neediness. He hasn't yet made any changes to his behaviour, and you my well find that he reverts to his earlier behaviour quite soon.

Reading your posts on MN is rude, if nothing else. It is like him eves dropping on you having a heart to heart with your best friend or mother. If he wants to understand you, he should be prepared to talk to you directly. 'Listening in' is all about him having things on his terms, and being able to gain information on you without having to give anything back.

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 09/03/2013 08:13

Oh thank you, thank you, thank you thistldew, after a few of the recent posts I was beginning to feel I was the one in the wrong and that I was just being a dick and making a fuss over nothing. Thank you for understanding.

OP posts:
baskingseals · 09/03/2013 08:41

I think you are allowed to feel the way you feel. there is probably an awful lot going on in your head and heart at the moment.

take it slow. it's raining here today. if i were you i'd get the popcorn and dvds in for you and the dc and take the day off as much as you can.

hope you are ok.

silverstaresatnight · 09/03/2013 08:51

I wasn't criticising you pixie, I hate people reading even letters of mine so am in complete agreement with you. If he had wanted to read your thread at the very least he could have asked you.
He sounds totally dependent on you , not only is he using you as his punchbag to vent on but now asking you to help him feel better when he is the one who has caused all the upset.
I'm sorry he is letting you down so much.

silverstaresatnight · 09/03/2013 08:52

Gracey.. Just shut up until you have something sensible to say.

Ledkr · 09/03/2013 08:55

I don't suppose you are the perfect wife by any chance? Did you stop pleasuring him after child no.2 by any chance?
gracey are you kidding? Or maybe your older and you conducted your married life in the fifties?
Women don't "pleasure" men what a ridiculous notion!!

Original poster
thepixiefrog · 09/03/2013 08:59

Silver I wasn't aiming my comments at you. You have been constructive and helpful and understanding, and I really appreciate the time you have taken to offer your support.

Good advice baskingseals!

OP posts:
hilbobaggins · 09/03/2013 09:10

What a revolting comment, Graceymakelot.

OP, you are absolutely entitled to feel as you feel about your DP reading mumsnet. I'm not sure what's up with other people telling you it's not a big deal. Their opinions about this are irrelevant. It sounds as if you and DP had both acknowledged this as a safe space for you, and that a line has now been crossed and you feel betrayed and furious. If that's how you feel then that's how you feel!

You are doing really well. One day at a time. Keep posting.