I've been lurking on here for a while, but I had a major 'trigger' event a few weeks ago and have been a mess ever since.
I really don't know where to begin, I always knew that my childhood, or at least the latter part of it was not normal and that I wasn't happy. I planned, meticulously to take my own life at 15 but stopped short. The thought that it would've been my brother, then 8 who found me and that I'd be leaving him behind was enough, but I had a massive breakdown anyway. Not that it was dealt with, or for that matter noticed. Despite dropping a couple of stone and self harming including pulling hair out.
I was treated as a skivvy, constantly criticised and nothing I did was ever quite good enough or good enough at all, but they'd both still happily take credit if someone outside praised me.
From 12 I had to pick my brother up from my GPs house, walk him home, help him with his homework, cook dinner for 4 of us. I also had to either wash or dry up, make my own packed lunch, clean my bedroom twice a week and the bathroom, thoroughly every other day, walk the dog twice a day, iron my own school uniform and in school holidays, look after my brother, at home, with no company or budget for entertainment. I had no choice in any of this and wasn't even thanked let alone given pocket money. My brother has never had to do any of this. Ever.
I got a job as a waitress when I was 16 (post GSCEs) and worked from 7pm-2/3 am for £2.50 per hour cash in hand on a Friday & Saturday night. From that point I was expected to buy my own toiletries, sanitary products and most of my clothes. We weren't poor, although neither parent is well educated both always worked. They owned their own home, car and we had UK holidays (lived in Northern Ireland).
The first, real, stand out thing that made me wake up and realise that I didn't have a good life was the day I went to collect my A level results. I'd done well at GCSE and was initially predicted AAB at A level. However I think that the grind at home and work got to me and I was too tired to focus on revision. I dabbled in speed and found out that despite what I'd been brought up to think, I was actually attractive to the opposite sex and became fairly promiscuous (this became much, much worse later). Anyway, I knew full well that I'd done badly in my exams and warned my parents, who of course didn't listen.
I ended up getting a C, D And N. I was devastated and when I came back to the car and told them, they sat stoney faced at first and then asked me what I was going to do. I was distraught and genuinely didn't know. They told me to get out of the car and go and get it sorted. They then drove off. It was 15 years ago, so pre mobile phones. I didn't have my purse, house keys, jacket or anything and my school was 8 miles from my home. I was a complete state and after I resolved to get a clearing place as far from home as I could (Plymouth in the end) I called my lovely auntie who rescued me. A few weeks later I moved to Uni and only visit briefly since.
3 years ago I had my dd and the relationship improved slightly as I realised how hard being a mum was. It has dipped again since as memories have emerged and I can't conceive of how I could've been treated the way I was as I couldn't imagine doing it to either of my DC.
My Dad is by no means perfect, they are both spoiled (DM was youngest of 10 and spoiled rigid, DF was the only boy of 4 and idolised by his mother), but I've always been closer to him. I know that I make excuses for him in a way that I don't with mum.
My parents love my DC very much, although I already recognise that the relationship isn't quite, 'normal' either, but I put it down to only seeing them for a few days at a time a few times a year. They were visiting a couple of weeks ago for my DS's first birthday. An innocuous comment I made with no malice at all about DB still living at home caused an almighty screaming match, entirely one sided as I struggled to remain composed in front of my poor DC and DM called me nasty, vindictive and controlling (ironic really as that is precisely what I now see her to be). She stormed off upstairs and I took the kids to feed the ducks, pretending all was ok.
I've just distanced myself from her since then. My DH is incredibly supportive and sees it for what it is. She hasn't said sorry, but is trying to carry on as if it never happened. I'm not prepared to do that.
Bottom line is I'm feeling really really worried at the minute. I'm so terrified that I'll be the same with my DC and end up destroying my relationship with my beautiful little girl and boy.
So sorry it's so long and this, of course isn't the half of it.