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Original poster

Married less than a year - dodgy emails TWICE already

65 replies

tikaEl · 03/03/2013 10:40

We've been married less than a year. A few months ago I found that he'd joined a dating site, sent tons of messages off to other local women, some who were looking for a genuine relationship and others that were just openly after sex.
I confronted him, he said it was just messing around, boredom when I was at work, he would never have met with any of them etc etc etc.

I gave him another chance.

A week ago I found new emails (in a different account) trying to arrange intimate encounter emails. This time he was very specific about the times he could meet them - friday afternoons (when he finishes work at lunch time) and a particular Friday night when he knew I had plans and would be out all night.

I confronted him again and told him he's full of shit and I don't believe a word he says. Again, he lied to my face, told me these emails I'd SEEN didn't exist and then EVENTUALLY decided that oh yeah, he did send them but they meant nothing, he was just bored, being a dickhead and had no intentions to really meet them. His reasoning was "you can see from the emails that I never met any of them!" yeah - only because the women in question refused to meet him!!! it wasn't his choice, it was theirs!!

Now I don't know what to do. It's not easy just to LTB but I'd be stupid to believe these emails really were just a jolly to pass the time. I get bored sometimes but I don't go out looking to shag other men to pass the time!

Now this morning I've noticed that email account has been suspended - however, the 'junk' messages in his hotmail account (normally full of unopened "meet hot chicks in your area" type messages is now full of half opened messages of the same type - although he seems to have deliberately opened the emails with subjects like "Hi, I'm Kelly" or "I'm in your area, shall we meet?" - you know, the type that could well be specifically meant for him? which suggests to me that somewhere on this fucking internet he has some kind of dating profile still active.

OP posts:
Original poster
tikaEl · 03/03/2013 10:41

Oh btw last time I confronted him I told him it was over and I wanted him out. He cried like a baby and said he was sorry and couldn't bare to lose me.

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 03/03/2013 10:45

What exactly is stopping you from LTB?

My sympathies OP but normal husbands don't email women if they're bored at work.

Have you ever suspected he's been unfaithful?

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2013 10:46

Don't 'LTB' but get him to leave for a while. At the moment he doesn't think there's any down-side to his behaviour. No risk to his way of life as long as he turns on the crocodile tears and makes false promises to change. Ask him to go somewhere else so that you have time to really think about what you want your future to be. Slightly embarrassing to end a marriage when the ink is barely dry on the certificate ... but far worse to stagger on for years, wasting your time or (horror) producing DCs with a man that has no respect for you and can't be trusted.

Lucyellensmum95 · 03/03/2013 10:46

Do you have children? If you do its complicated - if not, consider you hvae had a lucky escape and send the snivelling little cunt on his way.

AKissIsNotAContract · 03/03/2013 10:48

If you're going through this after less than a year you have little option but to split up. Every year you stay with him the lower your confidence will get and the harder it will be to leave.

tribpot · 03/03/2013 10:51

So the reason you can't leave him is because he will cry?

tallwivglasses · 03/03/2013 10:54

Well boo hoo. Tell his family and that'll really give him something to cry about Angry

izzyizin · 03/03/2013 10:54

It's not easy just to LTB Why not?

You surely don't imagine you love this piece of gobshite, do you? And if you did, surely the thought of having to have eyes in the back of your head and regular checkups at a GUM clinic if you were to allow him to remain in your life would serve to rapidly dissolve any fond feelings you may have once entertained for him?

Original poster
tikaEl · 03/03/2013 10:54

Not to drip feed but it may be relevant - when I confronted him the 2nd time he totally turned on me more or less saying it was all my fault. He said he's had a gut instinct for a while that I wanted to end things - that I'm unfaithful and not to be trusted. He said that he's seen me flirting with other guys when I'm out, he said even when I'm out with him he can tell I'm looking at other guys (absolute horse shit, all of it) etc etc.

A few months ago I got asked out by a friend's friend (who didn't realise I was married), I sent him a message back saying I was married and it would be inappropriate to meet up etc. He then suggested that he wasn't bothered about the fact that I was married Hmm I told DH and even showed him the facebook messages where I'd turned the guy down etc. DH used all this against me too, I had led the guy on, it was obvious I fancied the guy was couldn't wait to get rid of DH so I could run off with this other guy etc etc.

What is this?? gaslighting?? mental abuse? passive aggressive?? He now doesn't want me mixing with this group of friends which I have agreed to but when I think about it, how can he POSSIBLY walk the moral high ground after what he's done??

OP posts:
meditrina · 03/03/2013 10:54

If he's bored at work why can't he pursue non-sexual/romantic interests?

The first time around might have been a mistake (being very generous on giving benefit of doubt there), but a second time, after you've made your feelings plain?

Yes, very embarrassing to end a marriage in under a year, but can you live with this doubt long-term?

Original poster
tikaEl · 03/03/2013 10:56

Oh and another thing that has got to me - he tells me he's too busy to text me when he's at work - yet all these emails have been sent from his phone WHILST AT WORK. Nice to know where his priorities lie.

OP posts:
meditrina · 03/03/2013 10:56

x-posted with your last.

It is very warped thinking to say his actions are your responsibility. Add his (unfounded) jealousy, and attempt to control your social life and the mix sounds ever more toxic.

tethersend · 03/03/2013 11:00

If you leave him, it won't matter what he thinks.

poorbuthappy · 03/03/2013 11:02

So not only is he a complete twat who within 12 months of marriage has attempted to fuck Christ knows how many women he tells you it is your fault (no surprise there, have you read all the other threads in this topic?) you believe him.

He is an arsehole and you need to leave him.
Ask yourself why these other women haven't met up with him?

You deserve better an the only person stopping you from getting it is you.

MewlingQuim · 03/03/2013 11:05

How do you see your relationship with this man in the future if this is how he is within a year of marriage?

LIZS · 03/03/2013 11:07

Was he like this before you got married , did you think it would change him if so ? How long have you known him ?

Bigwuss · 03/03/2013 11:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChristineDaae · 03/03/2013 11:08

What exactly is stopping you leaving? Do you have DC's, is it a financial thing?

Fairenuff · 03/03/2013 11:09

What is the reason or reasons that make it difficult to separate?

sooperdooper · 03/03/2013 11:09

Hard as it is, you have to leave this relationship, turning it on you is the last straw surely

You know the facts, this is nothing you've done, he's a liar and a cheat and this is not normal behaviour at all

Ask him to leave, you need space to think about this rationally and he needs to know there are consequences to his disgusting behaviour

janflan · 03/03/2013 11:09

I spent 8 years of my life with a man like this. Time and time again i would find texts or emails and he would turn it on me. He'd say i was distant and he thought i was going to leave etc. Fed me full of bullshit and i let him get away with it.

In the end we split for a different reason.

I wish I'd walked away that very first time and never looked back.

He'll never change these men can't. They need constant attention and don't care how they get it.

sooperdooper · 03/03/2013 11:12

Also, less embarrassing to have the confidence to leave now knowing you are worth more than this, than to stay in a relationship where you'll just be waiting for the next time

There will be a next time, don't listen to his bullshit, get out now

CheddarGorgeous · 03/03/2013 11:13

Yep. Gaslighting.

You will never win the moral high ground with people like this.

Agree that you should consider separating for a while to sort out your feelings and thoughts without him around.

Really sorry you are going through this, it sucks.

ErikNorseman · 03/03/2013 11:17

Gaslighting, emotional abuse, potential sexual abuse (if he exposes you to sexual diseases without your knowledge), immature, childish, cheating, lying, not taking responsibility, victim blaming, scummy man child.

How can you possibly not LTB? What redeeming features can he possibly have that outweigh all of that?

AMumInScotland · 03/03/2013 11:18

Don't worry about what to call this. It doesn't matter if it is gaslighting or narcissism or any other phschological term.

It is twattery. That's all the definition you need.

He wants to fuck other women. He intends to fuck other women. He would like you to still be warming his bed when he gets back from fucking other women, and is prepared to blame you for things not being wonderful in the hope that he can manipulate you into that.

It does't matter if he knows he's being manipulative, or if his head is screwed on so weird that he believes his own shit.

He will not change. In a year of marriage you have caught him out twice. If he can't keep the thought of it out of his head for a few months at a stretch, how long do you think it will be before one of themdoesn't turn him down?

You deserve better. If you have children you can't entirely cut him out of your life, but you can get close enough.

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