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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Married less than a year - dodgy emails TWICE already

65 replies

tikaEl · 03/03/2013 10:40

We've been married less than a year. A few months ago I found that he'd joined a dating site, sent tons of messages off to other local women, some who were looking for a genuine relationship and others that were just openly after sex.
I confronted him, he said it was just messing around, boredom when I was at work, he would never have met with any of them etc etc etc.

I gave him another chance.

A week ago I found new emails (in a different account) trying to arrange intimate encounter emails. This time he was very specific about the times he could meet them - friday afternoons (when he finishes work at lunch time) and a particular Friday night when he knew I had plans and would be out all night.

I confronted him again and told him he's full of shit and I don't believe a word he says. Again, he lied to my face, told me these emails I'd SEEN didn't exist and then EVENTUALLY decided that oh yeah, he did send them but they meant nothing, he was just bored, being a dickhead and had no intentions to really meet them. His reasoning was "you can see from the emails that I never met any of them!" yeah - only because the women in question refused to meet him!!! it wasn't his choice, it was theirs!!

Now I don't know what to do. It's not easy just to LTB but I'd be stupid to believe these emails really were just a jolly to pass the time. I get bored sometimes but I don't go out looking to shag other men to pass the time!

Now this morning I've noticed that email account has been suspended - however, the 'junk' messages in his hotmail account (normally full of unopened "meet hot chicks in your area" type messages is now full of half opened messages of the same type - although he seems to have deliberately opened the emails with subjects like "Hi, I'm Kelly" or "I'm in your area, shall we meet?" - you know, the type that could well be specifically meant for him? which suggests to me that somewhere on this fucking internet he has some kind of dating profile still active.

OP posts:
Sunshinewithshowers · 03/03/2013 11:21

Is it because they are insecure/immature that these type of men need constant attention?

Im asking because I told mine to leave a good few weeks back, best thing I ever did.

Original poster
tikaEl · 03/03/2013 11:21

We don't have kids together and I am financially independent. Theoretically, it would be easy to ltb.

What gets me is the way he can lie to my face. He's convincing too - which makes me wonder about other stuff he may have lied about that I'll never know.

I've also found out that during his last divorce, his ex wife accussed him of domestic violence and controlling behaviour. He says she did this to speed up the divorce and he went along with it because it was the easiest thing to do.

OP posts:
tallwivglasses · 03/03/2013 11:22

Listen to janflan (and everyone else). Do you want to waste another 8 years waiting for things to improve? It's not often everyone says LTB. I can't see many posters suggesting you have counselling or give him more bj's can you?

tallwivglasses · 03/03/2013 11:23

Oh God, just read your last post. Run for the hills!

FiveGoMadInDorset · 03/03/2013 11:25

Just leave.

Original poster
tikaEl · 03/03/2013 11:27

I'm heading out with my son now, I am reading all the replies and will try and get back on tonight to reply. Thanks for the responses x

OP posts:
Branleuse · 03/03/2013 11:28

just leave.

Let him cry. He bloody well should cry.

Tell everyone so youre not tempted to do anything stupid like take him back.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2013 11:28

"What is this?? gaslighting?? mental abuse? passive aggressive?? "

Fuckwittery..... He not only doesn't respect you, he also thinks you're stupid.

CogitoErgoSometimes · 03/03/2013 11:30

".... his ex wife accussed him of domestic violence and controlling behaviour. He says she did this to speed up the divorce...."

You've got yourself 'a blamer'. Classic. Nothing is ever his fault, everyone's out to get him and now you're head of the line so you're to blame. After you've divorced him, guess what he'll be telling your replacement!

AMumInScotland · 03/03/2013 11:30

Controlling behaviour = "He now doesn't want me mixing with this group of friends" and similar.

He's starting small, but if you carry on with him then it is likely to get worse. And you will lose your sense of perspective and start believing that actually it would all be fine if you just showed him how much you loved him, didn't ever look at or talk to another man so he could believe you are faithful, etc, etc, etc.

I don't see ay way that you can trust a man like this. It feels embarrassing to admit defeat on a marriage within a year, but better to split now and not get tangled up further - no children and financial indepedence. How much longer will both of those be true? And then what? "Oh but he's good with the children..."?

tribpot · 03/03/2013 11:32

Yeah, sure - he went along with an accusation of domestic violence to speed up the divorce. THAT REALLY HAPPENED.

Why did you agree to have your social life curtailed because of this ridiculous allegation? Has there been quite a lot of day-to-day, low level pressure to change your behaviour?

VivaLeBeaver · 03/03/2013 11:33

Stating somestic violence/abuse does not speed up a divorce. I would think very carefully before believing that he just went along with it. I would run for the hills. And I don't normally say LTB.

If you have kids with him it will be harder to leave, you'll be more financially dependent on him, you'll not want to leave because of the kids, your condfidence will have been eroded due to his lies and gaslighting.

Fairenuff · 03/03/2013 11:34

It's not easy just to LTB

We don't have kids together and I am financially independent. Theoretically, it would be easy to ltb

OP I'm really confused by these two statements. Why is it not easy to separate?

Are you going to come back and say 'But I love him. Apart from this, he's a wonderful man, he's my soulmate' etc.

hufflepup · 03/03/2013 11:34

I think you have to leave. Sounds like my ex & I wish I'd left as soon as I knew something wasn't right. The longer you stay the harder it will be to leave and it really doesn't sound like he's going to change. I'm so sorry - be strong & ride out the awful bit & then you will be able to look back & be glad that you aren't still with the bastard

LIZS · 03/03/2013 11:34

If you have a child consider if this is a pattern of behaviour you want to endorse as an example for him to follow .

sooperdooper · 03/03/2013 11:34

If you don't leave now, this will happen again and again, why put yourself through that when you can say now, you won't stand for this shit

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/03/2013 11:35

Please, please run!

Run like the wind and make for the hills.

This man is a total and utter tosser and this will only get worse Sad

ShipwreckedAndComatose · 03/03/2013 11:36

There is no failure in ending a marriage.

The failure would be to stay and end up with this twat for years and years to come.

specialsubject · 03/03/2013 11:36

you've been conned into believing he was a decent bloke, so you married him. You've now found out about the con. Game over. He's trying to blame you so that you will stay and he will have a source of sex when he can't get it anywhere else. That's how much he values you. Don't be treated like this.

don't beat yourself up about this mistake but get going. You do not want this guy anywhere that he can influence your son.

good luck.

Anniegetyourgun · 03/03/2013 11:39

And projection, don't forget projection. He's projecting onto you the things he is guilty of. Either it's because he has some kind of warped viewpoint that cannot see you as a separate human being who does not do the same things as he does, or he is a deliberate liar who accuses you in order to put you on the back foot - so you're too busy defending yourself to go on the attack. Either way, this is a rubbish way to run a relationship. If he wanted an open marriage he should have said so in advance, but then it would be fine for you to arrange to meet men on free afternoons too, and it clearly isn't.

StuffezLaBouche · 03/03/2013 11:44

Simply put OP, if you stay with him and give him another undeserved chance, you need to prepare yourself for the fact you will never ever feel comfortable again. You will always wonder whether he's really where he says he's been. If he slips his phone away when you come in you'll eat yourself up inside.
He sounds like a really, really horrible character. Please don't contemplate another 50 years settling for someone who doesn't give a.shit about you.

RememberingMyPFEs · 03/03/2013 11:56

LTB! It will only get worse and harder to leave. It must be really challenging to contemplate ending it so soon but you are stronger for doing that than staying while he grinds you down and has you believing his BS.
Your happiness is more important than a ring of gold and vows that are clearly meaningless to him!
Good luck Thanks

Mosman · 03/03/2013 12:01

My husband was webcamming and showing his bits to other women within a month of us being married I caught him, told him it should never happen again yeah yeah, then met somebody online he booked into a hotel and drove 600 miles to fuck her twice, then he had another affair on my doorstep and then he tried to do the same when we had emigrated all over again.
LTB, honestly it will not end well.

Spero · 03/03/2013 12:08

Completely agree with Shipwrecked. The only 'failure' or 'shame' here is staying. This is your one precious life, how can you bear to spend another moment with this man?

The first year of your marriage should be lovely surely? You should both love and respect each other?

If he is acting like this NOW there is only one way his behaviour is going to go. It will get worse and worse because you have shown you will tolerate it.

Lizzabadger · 03/03/2013 12:17

You should run for the hills.

I don't think you will though, sadly.