Married less than a year - dodgy emails TWICE already

[tikaEl]

We've been married less than a year. A few months ago I found that he'd joined a dating site, sent tons of messages off to other local women, some who were looking for a genuine relationship and others that were just openly after sex.
I confronted him, he said it was just messing around, boredom when I was at work, he would never have met with any of them etc etc etc.

I gave him another chance.

A week ago I found new emails (in a different account) trying to arrange intimate encounter emails. This time he was very specific about the times he could meet them - friday afternoons (when he finishes work at lunch time) and a particular Friday night when he knew I had plans and would be out all night.

I confronted him again and told him he's full of shit and I don't believe a word he says. Again, he lied to my face, told me these emails I'd SEEN didn't exist and then EVENTUALLY decided that oh yeah, he did send them but they meant nothing, he was just bored, being a dickhead and had no intentions to really meet them. His reasoning was "you can see from the emails that I never met any of them!" yeah - only because the women in question refused to meet him!!! it wasn't his choice, it was theirs!!

Now I don't know what to do. It's not easy just to LTB but I'd be stupid to believe these emails really were just a jolly to pass the time. I get bored sometimes but I don't go out looking to shag other men to pass the time!

Now this morning I've noticed that email account has been suspended - however, the 'junk' messages in his hotmail account (normally full of unopened "meet hot chicks in your area" type messages is now full of half opened messages of the same type - although he seems to have deliberately opened the emails with subjects like "Hi, I'm Kelly" or "I'm in your area, shall we meet?" - you know, the type that could well be specifically meant for him? which suggests to me that somewhere on this fucking internet he has some kind of dating profile still active.

OK, I've only read the first and second post from the OP. Sometimes the Relationships threads are complex, and there are usually two sides to every story, but this...this is really very, very simple.

No-one should be behaving like this after only one year of marriage. Any of the classic 'excuses' do not apply here. It's not 'messing about' or 'having a laugh', it's not curiosity or boredom or a man who has been married so that all the spark has gone out of his relationship, or a man whose wife withholds sex or doesn't understand him, or a man who only stays with his wife for the children and because of financial constraints long after the love/desire has gone. This is not any of those things.

A man who is doing this after less than one year of marriage is a chancer, a liar, a fraud, a would-be serial adulterer, someone who doesn't truly love you, and someone who clearly has little respect for you, or for marriage. If he is doing this now I can't even being to think what it will be like in ten years time.

Have you packed his bags yet?

begin, not being

Life is far far too short to waste it on a man like this.

Please, for your own sanity and self respect, hoof him out and never ever think about letting him back

Forsaking ALL others. That is what he promised. His word means jackshit as you have already discovered.

HE has broken your marriage not you. Unfortunately he is also a cling on so you have been left with the unsavoury choice of tolerating the intolerable or booting him out.

What are YOUR boundaries OP? At what point do you say this behaviour is unacceptable to me in my relationship and not something I choose to live with because it is a deal breaker?

See if you can contact the ex-wife. I would trust that he has been abusive. You then need to think about the exposure your child will have around this toxic individual if the relationship continues.

Your child doesn't have the same choices you have. Don't let them be exposed.

I can only offer a gentler version of LTB, as I can fully understand why its so hard to do so. You married this man, and so obviously you love him and want to spend your life with him. That is a VERY difficuly thing to let go of, excluding all the financial and logistical shit that makes splitting so hard. Don't feel bad for not wanting to leave.

Unfortunately, I have to say that I don't think your husband will change. My partner never did. These type of men are just desperate for attention, they will get it wherever they can no matter what the possible cost. My partner never wanted for love, affection, attention, stability, sex or companionship yet he still went and sought out all of those other things with whatever girl he could get to give him the time of day. His excuses were EXACTLY as weak as your husbands. He never changed, and for a while, I let him ruin my life. I ended up severely depressed and blaming myself for everything. I really hope your husband doesn't do that to you.

Normally I'm a benefit of the doubt type of girl but I'm afraid there isn't much doubt here. If he is this bad as a newly wed, it's just going to get worse and you just don't need that in your life.
Given that he has clearly never been committed to marriage, you may even be able to get an annulment rather than a divorce if that makes it easier for you psychologically. There is certainly no grey area here and no-one would suggest you haven't given it a good go.
Good luck.

Hi Op, this could be me, many years ago, except my ex was contacting men and women and all because he was bored at work. I didn't have the self esteem or confidence to leave this man and went on to have a child with him. It really is my biggest regret in life. Most men don't behave this way and you are worth so much more. I know its so hard when you love someone but you will waste your life staying with this poor excuse for a man. I hope you take the advice of those who have experienced the hell and get out quick. Good luck.

It's not your fault if the marriage finishes. I don't think anyone in your rl would expect you to stay with someone like this. Thank goodness you found out now. He sounds like he can talk a good story, so no wonder you fell for it.

The mention of regular Medicals and imagining him out having sex with other women or even contacting them for fun would clear my mind for me - unless you want to let it go again?

Divorce is there for a reason, and I think it would be sadder to stay and go through this than leave and make a new life. Is your child his? Even if they are, this type of life will hang heavy on you all, and gradually seep into the overall atmosphere at home. No child should have to go through that if you can help it.

Why did you agree not to see friends he didnt like? Didnt you like them really? And what did you say to them when they want to see you? Did they come to your wedding?? and which he then used as an excuse for his seeking out other women for sex.

So he's controlling and jealous as well as unfaithful, disrespectful.

He has a history of domestic violence.

You have no children together, but this wanker is living with your son.

You are financially independent.

It's a no brainer.

Oh wait, he cries when you try to leave him?

Awwwwww, the poor wee poppet and his feelings.

In that case you must stay and bring more children into this abusive nightmare.

When a man tells you what and who he is... LISTEN!

By telling you about his ExW, the DV, manipulation and control, AND works SO hard to cheat on you, he is shouting LOUD and CLEAR who and what he is.

For the love of all things, for your child, for yourself, your family, your friends, everyone that knows and cares about you, please see that this is a doomed and faltally flawed person, you can't stay with him.

He will destroy you and your child.

It won't change, never get better or do anything else than get worse and worse.

You owe him nothing, you can make a clean break now. Please do it.

Agree with everyone. Leave now before it becomes to difficult. I know it is hard and you might feel like a failure for getting divorced, but think of the time you will waste with him otherwise. Get out now and reclaim your life. The longer you leave it the messier it will become. If you end it now you can just admit you made a mistake in getting wed, rather than being in a failed marriage. It was never meant to be.

Oh just leave him. Life's too short, woman.

Havent read all of the posts yet, but hun please read my thread..www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1684933-My-Valentines-Day-kick-in-the-teeth-long

They all same the same SHIT. I was bored, I would never meet up for them. There's me thinking my soon to be ex was a bit different, and really did send these sort of emails for shits and giggles. But after reading your post, OH NO. My soon to be ex emailed women as well as men about sex, and was a paid member on SexInTheUK website and emailed a man about meeting up for rimming, 6 weeks post birth.

He has minimised it all to nothing now really, admits it was bad but will try and counter it with something I have done to make his behaviour justifiable. I am currently saving up for my relocation costs, and then my ass is out of here!

Listen to what all of these wise women are saying, leave before he does it again and tramples on your self esteem even more. Oh, and I bet you feel depressed and your confidence is right down the pan, just like mine. Get rid of him, and look forward to a new life and one day meeting someone who wouldn't dream of doing something like this.

say* not same.