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Original poster

Desperately want another baby but not sure I want to continue relationship with DP longterm

52 replies

anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 13:18

I have name changed for this, just incase someone recognises me/DP knows my normal name.

DP and I have been together for 5 years. We are generally happy, don't really argue, we have a 2.5 year old who we both adore and DP is a brilliant, very hands-on dad.

We are also talking about TTC soon and I particularly am yearning for another baby. Plus, another baby now/in the next year is good for me career wise (rather than waiting longer). And I know any child would be lucky to have DP as a father.

But... I'm just not sure if I can see myself in this relationship in another 5 years. DP is a great guy, I love and care about him a lot, but I would not be bothered about no longer being in a romantic/intimate relationship with him. I find myself irritated about sharing a bed with him and dream of having my own room. I guess my fantasy would be that we live next door to each other and co-parent, still doing birthdays and holidays together and giving each other time off from childcare.

I am not sure if it is stupid to go ahead with having another baby in these circumstances, but on the other hand we both want another child and I have no doubts about DP's ability as a father.

OP posts:
HollaAtMeBaby · 02/03/2013 13:41

I would go for it. It's nice for your DC (and less complicated for you) if they have a full sibling.

TheBakeryQueen · 02/03/2013 13:51

No you can't do that! How would your dp feel knowing that you planned a baby with him & then him not being able to live with his child full time?

Original poster
anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 14:35

Thanks for you answers. Holla that is my feeling too, surely better for children to have the same father?

TheBakeryQueen I don't know. Would it make so much difference if we do separate though whether it is one child or two?

OP posts:
Skillbo · 02/03/2013 14:42

Your poor DP and 'one child or two' !!!! They are people you know - just so cold Sad

Original poster
anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 14:51

I'm not sure what gives you the impression I don't think they are people Confused Do you think there is a big difference being a separated parent with two children rather then one, and if so what?

OP posts:
Lizzabadger · 02/03/2013 14:59

I think you should be upfront with your partner. It's only fair that he has access to all the facts before deciding whether to father another child with you.

Skillbo · 02/03/2013 15:10

I didn't want to upset you but i think it's shortsighted to think 'one or two' - what's the difference? You might have a child with SN or a disability or they could be super dependent or you could have twins... if you had two children and you wanted out, that's one thing but to purposefully have a child knowing you want to walk away just seems so cold - what i was trying to say is it's not as simple as sharing a possession!

BagCat · 02/03/2013 15:14

Agree with Lizzabadger. It's not fair to use someone to have a baby when you're not thinking of a future with them - without them being aware of how you feel. In my opinion, it is extremely selfish.

Skillbo · 02/03/2013 15:14

Actually Lizza has the best advice as I'm just being clumsy! and as a recently separated mum of two, it's been hideous knowing my DS wasn't conceived in love (sounds proper lame written down Smile ) This is also clouding my judgement!

Anyway - If he is up for it too, then there's your answer...

Doesmybumlookbiginthiss · 02/03/2013 15:21

I;m in agreement with Bagcat.

Perhaps you need to ask him but clearly state that you are considering an eventual separation. I assume you will expect him to pay maintenance when you are separated, so he needs all the facts to make an informed decision.

HollyBerryBush · 02/03/2013 15:58

I think it would be a disgusting thing to do - its entrapment - you just want a sperm donor and a wallet Sad

Original poster
anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 16:08

I don't want a sperm donor - if I did I would go to a clinic. And money/maintenance isn't really an issue.

What I want is a baby with DP - the baby would be wanted by both of us, he is a great father, the baby would have the same father as its sibling.

I worry it would be unfair to say to DP now, I'm not sure I want to still be with you in 5 years. That is a horrible thing to have hanging over him when he is happy at the moment.

Maybe a baby would be good for our relationship in terms of me needing DP more. Plus I would have a good excuse for us to sleep apart.

If I tell him I am considering an eventual separation, then what? We split up now? Now is not a good time for any of us and essentially we do have a happy home.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 02/03/2013 16:13

Do you think you have switched your affection from your husband to your child? Is there a real reason why you have gone off him, eg abusive behaviour, or is it just that you have someone else to hold and to love and to be physically affectionate with? It's a very common issue for a lot of mums. It's particularly telling that you want some time physically on your own. Do you feel claustrophobic because both your husband and your child want a physical relationship with you?

Apart from that, I do believe you should talk to your husband and not have another child with him until your relationship is back on track. It's just not fair on him for you to get pregnant knowing you will leave him.

expatinscotland · 02/03/2013 16:16
Hmm
Original poster
anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 16:22

I don't know Imperial, maybe. I do love DC much more than I do DP. I feel like I tolerate physical affection from DP more than anything. I think my dissatisfaction with the relationship has become much more obvious to me in the last 6 months or so though just as DC is becoming more independent, is sleeping better, caring for him is less all-consuming - maybe I just have more time now to reflect on my relationship with DP?

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 02/03/2013 16:22

It would be a good excuse for us to sleep apart??? Hmm
I think you should share your "fantasy" with your dp before putting it into practice; I doubt the reality would be anything like it.

Original poster
anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 16:28

I don't think the fantasy of living next door to each other is likely to happen, I just meant to illustrate that whilst I would like to continue parenting with him I would be happy not to continue a romantic relationship.

I do however dream of just sharing my bed with a lovely snuggly baby while DP snores away in a different room.

OP posts:
florencebabyjo · 02/03/2013 16:32

You say your child is still a toddler. This 1st couple of years after a baby is tough for partners. Maybe you should try to find some time together just the two of you again to build up what you began the relationship for in the first place. It took me 3 children to realise this, but now me and my husband plan an evening together a week away from the kids just for a few hours. It works wonders for your relationship and may be a way to rekindle the intimacy you obviously once had and let you look forward to this time together. Maybe you long for your own room not to escape him, but to feel rested and find your own space. Just some thoughts I hope are helpful.

TheFallenNinja · 02/03/2013 16:37

If I read this and I was your DP I'd pack your bags.

Original poster
anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 16:45

I hope he doesn't read it!

I am finding it very helpful to discuss this and write it down though, as obviously I cannot really discuss my feelings with anyone in real life.

florence, I don't know - I feel like we spend lots of time together and I do enjoy his company. There's just not much more than friendship between us (or at least I don't feel much more than that towards him).

OP posts:
StuffezLaBouche · 02/03/2013 16:46

i do however dream of just sharing my bed with a lovely snuggly baby while DP snores away in a different room.

Your poor dp. What if a bloke posted 'I want to get my girlfriend pregnant but I don't think i want to be with her longterm.
?

AmberLeaf · 02/03/2013 16:46

I think given that you say your DP is a good dad and a good partner, you are being very very unfair to him.

You are basically using him for another child even though you don't really want him.

I think your DPs right to honesty from you trumps your right to have another baby.

Im assuming he thinks everything is fine between the two of you?

DopamineHit · 02/03/2013 16:51

So, you want his sperm, you want his name on the birth certificate, you want his support and you want his parenting skills - it's just HIM you don't want....?

And that's all tickety-boo because as soon as you've got the things you need you'll bin him as planned. Yeah - you're right - he probably wouldn't want that hanging over him. It might dampen his enthusiasm for the relationship.

I'm with FallenNinja on this one.

lemonstartree · 02/03/2013 16:56

What you suggest is really truly horrible. Selfish in the EXTREME. If you both wants another child, BOTH knowing that your relationship may not last , then good luck to you. But to feel that about him, conceive a child without telling him? That's evil.

florencebabyjo · 02/03/2013 17:00

Sounds to me like you have a really good relationship. Intimacy often goes through a funny patch after a baby and maybe you're just not adjusted to the changes. You need to make time for a date just the two of you and get back what you lost. May be time to make the effort to make what seems like a good relationship even better. Think what you love about him and work from there. Tell him too, it may make you closer and then you can go for this baby with a clear heart.