Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Desperately want another baby but not sure I want to continue relationship with DP longterm

52 replies

anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 13:18

I have name changed for this, just incase someone recognises me/DP knows my normal name.

DP and I have been together for 5 years. We are generally happy, don't really argue, we have a 2.5 year old who we both adore and DP is a brilliant, very hands-on dad.

We are also talking about TTC soon and I particularly am yearning for another baby. Plus, another baby now/in the next year is good for me career wise (rather than waiting longer). And I know any child would be lucky to have DP as a father.

But... I'm just not sure if I can see myself in this relationship in another 5 years. DP is a great guy, I love and care about him a lot, but I would not be bothered about no longer being in a romantic/intimate relationship with him. I find myself irritated about sharing a bed with him and dream of having my own room. I guess my fantasy would be that we live next door to each other and co-parent, still doing birthdays and holidays together and giving each other time off from childcare.

I am not sure if it is stupid to go ahead with having another baby in these circumstances, but on the other hand we both want another child and I have no doubts about DP's ability as a father.

OP posts:

Fairylea · 02/03/2013 17:04

I think it's wrong.

You're being cruel to your dp and to be honest children are very resilient. You could leave now while your dc is very young, go and find a partner who is right for you and you love and go on to have more dc with them, actually enjoying being a family. And trust me the dc won't care about being full siblings or not.

Give your dp a chance to find someone who loves him fully. Not just for another baby.

I left my ex when dd was 6 months old. He was heartbroken but I knew it wasn't right. I then married someone else a few years later. Then he left me.. and then when dd was 6 I met my now (second dh)... we now have a ds together. I finally feel settled at last. And I am so pleased I waited till I found dh to have another child. Dd loves ds and considers him her brother, not her half brother.

Cherriesarelovely · 02/03/2013 17:18

I don't know OP......it does come across as selfish. You have a plan in your head which basically involves leaving your DP whether he likes it or not and your DP knows nothing about this therefore your "joint" decision of whether to have a baby is not really equal is it?

I can understand your feelings, you have a wonderful Ds, your DP is a brilliant dad and you would like to have another child with him. I just don't think it is fair.

Years ago I had an amazing boyfriend that sounds a bit like your DP. I would've been very happy to have had a child with him but I actually didn't love him romantically because I was actually gay but had yet to admit it! Unlike your situation I know but bear with me! I knew that I didn't feel romantic about him but it took a long time for me to get around to telling him because he was a brilliant person and we had so much fun. If I had had a child with him, knowing how I felt, I think that would have been very unfair.

cakebar · 02/03/2013 17:33

I kind of think, in for a penny, in for a pound. I would have another baby in this situation. I also think you should think about whether you don't want your DP in particular or if you don't want any partner. I think it is easy with a toddler to not feel bothered about a relationship, but that will change as your DC get older. If you are not attracted to anyone at the moment I would just give it time and not be too hasty, you might start being attracted to DP again.

FWIW I suspect a large proportion of kids are born to parents who are not in love. At least this one would be wanted by both parents and planned. The world is not a perfect place.

Bluegrass · 02/03/2013 17:46

I think it sounds horribly cruel. If he has another child he may actually...you know...want to live with them, full time while they are growing up. But you are already planning behind his back that at the very best he will have joint custody (I suspect though that in your mind the kids a basically "yours" and he pops up for childminding duties as required!). Hardly the future he will be dreaming about.

If you care about him he should have the opportunity to build a family with someone else who loves him and wants to be with him.

Original poster

anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 20:26

I'm not prepared to end the relationship at the moment given that everyone is happy enough. I think my best option is just to throw myself into this relationship/TTC and hope that my feelings at the moment are just a blip... If things become intolerable in the future guess I will revaluate then.

OP posts:

Shagmundfreud · 02/03/2013 20:56

If a man did this - encouraged a woman to conceive in the knowledge that he was probably going to leave her, we'd think he was an out and out cunt.

HollaAtMeBaby · 02/03/2013 21:12

That's a bit different though, because of the inevitable health risks and lost earning potential that a woman has to deal with when having a baby. Anonymum, I still think you should go ahead with TTC even though nobody else agrees - your feelings for your DH may change again, and if not, you will have two children with the same lovely dad, which is better for all concerned.

nicelyneurotic · 02/03/2013 22:05

I think you just need separate bedrooms. Lots of couples do (or would if they had the room) but no one talks about it. Get some space and your relationship will improve.

Numberlock · 02/03/2013 22:09

Is there someone else in the equation OP?

cuillereasoupe · 02/03/2013 22:34

If you split it's very likely your kids will end up acquiring, probably loving, a stepmum. If he's a brilliant hands-on dad he might even go for custody. Apart from the fact that I think what you're proposing is kind of immoral for all the reasons pointed out upthread, I don't think you've thought through the reality of it at all.

Original poster

anonymum29 · 02/03/2013 22:52

Is fear of a possible step mother a good enough reason to stay in a relationship though?

OP posts:

overmydeadbody · 02/03/2013 23:07

I feel very sorry for your partner and truly hope your lack of feelings towards him are a blip and your relationship will last.

If not, I think you are being very selfish to be with him, even now, knowing you don't want to be with him forever.

He deserves a partner who loves and adores him, and who he can have a proper physical relationship with.

drater · 03/03/2013 01:33

You're the reason people don't trust each other in relationships... You just want him to give you a child and go away, if this was a man he would be shot down, so fuck you honestly.

LongingForLamu · 03/03/2013 04:51

This is where I see a disconnect to MN and RL. A practical sort would say women do this sort of thing all the time. A full sibling for your child is not a bad thing. However, there are many risks involved and you have to live with your conscience.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/03/2013 05:44

I think you need to work on your marriage before even considering ttc.

Bringing another child into the world is a huge thing, and both parents should be fully aware of the facts. I'm sure your husband is thinking all is well and imagines a future with his wife and children together.

You sound very cold and calculating.

I would speak to him and tell him how you are feeling, maybe counselling could get you back on track?

I agree that if you were a man saying that you weren't planning on staying with the mum of your child in the future you would be getting called all manner of names on here.

Also, your husband might fight for custody of his children, and who knows might be awarded it, or maybe shared. How would you feel being separated from your children half of the time?

notnagging · 03/03/2013 05:46

Op I think you are being extremely selfish. It sounds like you'll do whatever you want regardless.

SissySpacekAteMyHamster · 03/03/2013 05:48

Sorry, noticed you said DP not DH, so not working on your marriage, but working on your relationship.

Hesterton · 03/03/2013 06:53

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

cuillereasoupe · 03/03/2013 07:44

Is fear of a possible step mother a good enough reason to stay in a relationship though?

From what you said upthread about the ideal being him living next door it sounds to me like you think you could control his reaction to being dumped, that everything would carry on as it is now, just with a fence between you. Newsflash: you can't. He might take it well and agree to move in next door; he might decide he never wants to see you again. He might go for sole custody. He might move to the Outer Hebrides. He might marry someone who loves the thought of stepkids, he might marry someone who does her best to stop him seeing them. It might all work out the way you want, it might not.

That's what I mean when I say I don't think you've thought through the consequences.

Original poster

anonymum29 · 03/03/2013 23:31

Hi, thank you all for your comments. I had a long talk with a friend tonight and I have come to the conclusion that at least part of my problem is that I am a SAHM at the moment and am thoroughly bored and dissatisfied with my life. I'me going to attempt to get back into work in the next few months and hopefully this will alleviate some of my feelings.

OP posts:

cuillereasoupe · 04/03/2013 07:25

Best of luck anonymum.

TheDoctrineOfSnatch · 04/03/2013 07:33

I think that's a good idea - you sound like your life isn't fulfilling you right now but it's too soon to say why not.

And if you need sleep, go and stay in a Travellodge or something when they have one of their cheap deals on - a solid night can make a lot of difference and is definitely cheaper than diveoce.

VoiceofUnreason · 04/03/2013 08:17

anonymum said: "I am finding it very helpful to discuss this and write it down though, as obviously I cannot really discuss my feelings with anyone in real life"

We all (bar one) generally feel that to do what she contemplated was cruel, selfish, wrong etc etc

Miraculously in her last posting, she has now found a friend to have a long talk with about all this. A few hours before, she couldn't discuss her feelings with anyone in real life.

Oh, and if you did have another baby with your poor DP knowing you don't want to be with him in a couple of years, you telling me you WON'T be expecting him to cough up big time on the finance front? Of course you only want him for his sperm and his wallet. Shame on you. Do one, love, there's a dear.

mrfrancis82 · 04/03/2013 09:20

It's nice to see some of you sticking up for her DP in this situation. If someone did this to me (had a baby and then left me), it would have a huge impact on my life, relationships and self esteem. I probably wouldn't be able to trust anyone again, or not for a long time.
Seeing some posts on here about people who stay with wankers, but you have a nice man who is lovely to your child but you don't see a future with him - maybe if he knocked you about a bit it would improve your desire for him - as obviously being nice is so undesirable.
I don't think you should have any more children as there would be a chance that they inherited your disgusting personality. Thinking you can just play with a real person's life. End things with him now and let him have the child so there's no chance it will end up like you - and give him the chance to find a decent human being to mother his children.

PoppadomPreach · 04/03/2013 09:24

So you think your current dissatisfaction with life is due to being a SAHM - this makes you bored.

And the answer to this is to have another child?!

Other than being illogical, you are being utterly selfish. But you really, really must know this - I'm sure you're not THAT stupid to not realise this?

As others have said, if a guy posted here saying it was his intentions to have another child with a woman he didn't see a long term relationship with, but he just wanted another child. He would be absolutely, and correctly, pilloried. You should be too.

Flip

1 2 3