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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband has walked out on us

18 replies

buckingfollocks · 01/03/2013 18:12

Don't want to go in to to many details of exactly how he has done it as would out myself totally, but it has obviously been the result of a fair amount of planning and I had no idea. It has not been a very happy or successful relationship and this is not our first break up, but it seems very unlikely he will be coming back.
How do you handle telling the children? They will not be expecting to see him for a few weeks so won't ask questions immediately so have time to prepare. Children are 7 and just turned 4, thanks

OP posts:

TinTinsSexySister · 01/03/2013 20:29

Oh god I have no advice but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I'm so sorry OP, hope someone with some experience will come along with wise words soon.

Do you have any RL support you can call on?

CognitiveOverload · 01/03/2013 20:39

I have no good advice either, hope someone comes along soon to help. Hope you are doing okay.

Lueji · 01/03/2013 20:45

So sorry. :(

With DS I was factual and tried to be reassuring to. It will be something you will end up doing fairly regularly, I expect.

It will depend a bit on the circumstances and how contact with dad will be.

He sounds a twunt.

Are you ok?

fengirl1 · 01/03/2013 20:46

Bucking - you shouldn't have to do that alone. If your xh is any kind of a man, you two should be able to agree what you're going to say and tell the children together. Failing that, you could tell them that you and h don't want to live together anymore, but both still love them. You're probably very hurt and more than a bit shocked. Try to agree financial details with h as soon as you can, and keep those in RL you can speak to close to you.

Original poster

buckingfollocks · 01/03/2013 21:15

thanks people, not sure we will be able to do it together as he has gone very far away and I would have no means of contacting him unless he contacts me. Thankfully have a good support network who are already rallying round. Is just weird to think all our future plans are obviously not going to happen now!

OP posts:

Lueji · 01/03/2013 21:43

So, is he going to be permanently away?
Or is he going back shortly, and visiting for sone periods?

Original poster

buckingfollocks · 01/03/2013 22:35

He was going to visit his family overseas but has now contacted me to say he will not be coming home and has quit his job here

OP posts:

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/03/2013 22:46

This link may help:

surviveseparation.blogspot.co.uk/2012/12/separation-and-divorce-advice-and-links.html

Lueji · 02/03/2013 07:53

Tough one because he has completely abandoned the children. :(
You will have to tell them soon.

Maybe start slowly and tell them at some point that dad won't be coming home?
Make sure you are clear it's about him in relation to you and not them.

trustissues75 · 02/03/2013 08:24

Sorry you are going through this. I had the same thing happen to me. the only thing you can really do is be honest and be there or them. Mine was almost 6 when it happened and I told him Daddy had decided not to come back because we had been unhappy together and that it wasn't his fault. That's really all you can do.

What a complete coward your H is - sorry but he is - mine went to South Korea and then on to Florida, reused to come and at least talk to us.

So you have lots of support with friends and family?

Huge huge hugs to you.

trustissues75 · 02/03/2013 08:27

I'm sorry, I missed your bit about having good support - that's great - you will need it.

I'm so sorry he's quit his job and moved countries permanently - exactly what mine did - back to his family and quit his job. Be prepared or a fight when it comes to child and spousal support - it's very difficult from overseas unless it's within the EU and then it may be easier. Where has he gone to? I may be able to recommend a couple of extremely good international divorce lawyers depending on where he is.

Original poster

buckingfollocks · 02/03/2013 13:37

Not worth a divorce fight, not EU but no there are no real assets or any money to chase. Sorry you have been through the same trustissues. How are things for you now and your child?

OP posts:

HecateWhoopass · 02/03/2013 13:41

What an utter arse.

Has he said anything about how he will maintain a relationship with his children, how he will contribute financially?

Or has he just turned his back on the people he helped to create?

Re telling them, perhaps just daddy won't be living here any more. Or daddy has had to go and live far away. He loves you very much (that's going to stick in your throat but your children will need the lie!) but he can't live here any more.

I don't know. Are there any single parent organisations that can help you with advice and info?

LondonNinja · 02/03/2013 14:46

God, what an utter arsewipe shitting cunting bastard. I'm sorry you're going through this, Bucking. This has made me so angry. What an utter coward. Those poor children, not to mention you.

I guess the main thing to stress again and again is that it is NO WAY the children's fault. You could say he is working away and will not be coming home because he has to stay in Country X from now on. It will be hard to keep calm and avoid telling them what a shit their father is the truth but it's probably best to stay neutral. They will know, when they are older, what has happened.

Do you think he will provide financially at all?

LondonNinja · 02/03/2013 14:47

BTW, I am not advocating keeping the truth from them, as in lying, but rather protecting them from the fact that he has in fact abandoned you all :(

Lueji · 02/03/2013 15:09

I'd think it could be true to say he can't go back or else the OP might kill him with her bare hands

Lavenderhoney · 02/03/2013 15:24

Gosh that sounds dreadful. Can you book an appointment with a solicitor as soon as possible, and ensure any bank accounts are safe? I assume he won't be going for custody or anything, or get any pressure from his family for custody?

I think you might want to mention it to the school as well, in case of behaviour changes and so forth.

trustissues75 · 03/03/2013 20:30

OP - we're alright...moved on and settled. I'm left with a lot of issues that aren't a problem until I get triggered by the ex because he's a abusive bastard who screwed with my head or years and still manages it - I need some help to learn some stuff - but, we're okay. He just lost in the states because they don't have jurisdiction and I have a residence order here in my favour because he refused to acknowledge British courts...I seriously hope he never comes here and I don't think he will because I believe he's hiding assets (was never allowed into our finances - had an allowance in a separate bank account for my spending)

Right well, glad you're not going to be needing the services of a lawyer...may I ask has he moved to a hague or non hague country - those are things I really would carefully consider when thinking about access and at that point it may be worth talking to an international specialist on that point because it gets very very tricky and even Hague countries don't always comply (America, despite its protestations, is one o the worst offenders for not complying with returning children)

He's a prick hun, and you're so, so, so much better of without him. Take all the support you can get and feel free to email me if you want for anything.

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