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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

dh been using awork (here we go again) arghhh

68 replies

npg1 · 01/03/2013 11:53

Hi everyone. Well I posted about this time last yr after I found credit card statements for dh. We have been together 2 yrs, got married 5 months ago and things are good between us. We are ttc but having difficulties.

Anyway I nearly always secretely check his statements if I can find them, I know this is wrong but I worry what he outs on the card.

The past fews months every now and then something will flag up, a random payment to paypal which I thought was a dating site and turns out I researched wrongly. I did confront him but he said no way. A couple times aworks have come up. We ended up having row and him saying I dont trust him etc.

Now, 2 days ago the credit card statement came through, he opened it read out the couple of things I knew about and then put it on the side back in the envelop. I know I shouldn't have checked but I look and it was only the first part of it and the page was missing with all the spends on it.

So last night his work coat was hanging in the bedroom and I knew full well the page was in his pocket so I went to the loo and looked cos I was worried he was hiding something. On there was a £40 payment to awork. Arghhh.

Anyway the story gets better. He came up while I was in the loo and said he was getting phone out of his pocket and then went down. When I came out I checked and the oaoer was gone! He had put it in his jogging trousers he had on! So this morning I cleaned the bedroom whike he was getting ready for work and took his jogging trousers for washibg, he said they dont need washing and then he asked me to get his lunch ready downstairs cos he was in rush. So I did.

Now he has gone to work and the paper has gone again!

What do I do? We have been married 5 months. I have 2 children from previous. I dont want to confront him cos he will say im checking up on him. Do I monitor it for a few more months? I think he knows im onto him and have seen the paper cos he says I have been funny with him. Arghhh!

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 01/03/2013 12:01

You are entitled to check credit card statements - its your money as well!! Half of all monies belongs to you so you have the right to access finances and financial information.

Also he broke your trust before so you have the right to check up on him.

Tell him you know what he has been cheating again and that you deserve far better than this and ask him to give you space and time to consider your future.

targaryen24 · 01/03/2013 12:04

LTB [shocked]

targaryen24 · 01/03/2013 12:04

*Shock

though I am shocked!

npg1 · 01/03/2013 12:06

But is that really the right way forward? He knows I know, he been acting all nice. I dont like the fact he knows I have been checking up on him but I just cant help myself. I know he isnt sleeping with prostitutes but he is spending money on something on that site, Web cams or phonecalls x

OP posts:
2cats2many · 01/03/2013 12:15

Surely the problem here isn't that he might find out you've been checking up on him. The problem here is that he's continuing to spend family money on Adult Work.

Are you prepared to live with that? I know I couldn't.

Even if he swears till he's blue in the face that he's innocent- you KNOW he's doing it because you've seen the cc statement. You need to work out what you want to do next then find the strength to do it. It's irrelevant how you found out now.

CheeseandPickledOnion · 01/03/2013 12:26

Honestly. Leave the bastard.

He's not going to stop. And you have no proof he's not shagging around.

oldwomaninashoe · 01/03/2013 12:31

How do you honestly know he is not going with prostitutes you are not with him 24/7. You have proved how sneaky he is so don't under estimate him!

You are TTC?????
Time to think hard and make some decisions. Caught out once, yes you could forgive, caught out twice, it is a habit and he ain't never gonna change!

flurp · 01/03/2013 12:37

What is awork? I'm guessing some kind of dating site??
He's an arse! And he knows you are on to him too.
It's up to you now to decide if you can live with (and have a baby with Shock) a man you can't trust or respect.
I know I couldn't but you need to do what is right for you and your dc.

npg1 · 01/03/2013 12:39

How can I leave him? I love him so much.

He used to lie and say no he hasnt done anything and when I first found out abiut all this he said he got trapped and had to keep paying out for the site lol. He reckons I dont trust him and I dont think I do.

OP posts:
SolomanDaisy · 01/03/2013 12:42

You can't keep TTC with a man who is using a sex site. You don't know what he's paying for. You don't trust him. He knows he needs to hide it from you. Things are not good between you at all.

npg1 · 01/03/2013 12:48

Thanks everyone.

The thing that really gets me is I spent all my savings on our wedding and got into debt.

Also his second cc statement came through the post and I said don't worry I dont wanna look and I joked and said burn it and thats exactly what he did at 8pm at night! Why did I have to check this time.

I just dont get it. He has a rest day when im out at work and I feel sick to my gut when im at work thinking about what he is doing.

OP posts:
PootlePosyPerkin · 01/03/2013 12:55

Just to put the other side here....... I have no knowledge of A/Adult Work (never heard of it before) so don't know how it works BUT, could it be one of these sites that, once they have your credit card details, they take a regular "subscription" type payment and that is what you are seeing each time?

Obviously, he should have cancelled the payment but that is not always as easy as it sounds to do. He may be cheating & it may be "fresh" spending each month, but there may be a possibility that he did only visit the site the once you know about but was stupid enough to leave his CC details behind!

daddyorchipsdaddyorchips · 01/03/2013 12:56

He is lying to you, he is hiding things from you, he is spending money on sex workers. You've been married for 5 months. You should still be in the honeymoon phase.

I feel so sad for you.

OxfordBags · 01/03/2013 12:56

flurp, awork is a site where misogynist scum men contact prostitutes to arrange to meet to pay for rape sex.

OP, you are deeply in denial. What's with the lols and so on? This man is clearly cheating on you (and, from the other info you give, sounds like he takes you for granted, thinks you're a fool, has a history of lying and somehow making you to blame, etc.) and in a truly foul manner that shows he hates women. People go on awork to arrange to fuck prostitutes. You might 'love him so much', but he can't love you to be on there, and, moreover, he can't respect you. If he's on awork, your marriage is already over.

And do NOT TTC with this pig! Not only would having a child be disastrous, as your relationship is deeply fucked-up, with a man leading a secret life and treating you with contempt by doing so, you put yourself at a high risk of STIs, even HIV, from this cheat who is most likely sleeping with prostitute. Also, a man like that cannot be a good father or role model. Someone chasing prostitutes is a person with very little respect, empathy or understanding for and of others.

Sorry to be blunt, but you seem to be minimising how bad this is. You've only been together 2 years and he already has form for shitting on you from a great height. It can only get worse.

peeriebear · 01/03/2013 12:59

You'll never be able to relax and trust him. You should be enjoying a new marriage with a lovely man, but he ain't it. For the love of puppies, stop ttc with this man- what if he is exposing you to stds?

peeriebear · 01/03/2013 13:00

Oxford said it better...

npg1 · 01/03/2013 13:05

Sorry for the lols :(

Im just in a very difficult situation and cant believe it.

I dont think he is actually shagging prossies, theres not enough money being paid into the account. I think its more phone sex and webcam shit. No its not funny, its disgusting but im worried im making more out of it (but deep down I now). Hes always made it out to be my fault and Im checking up on him etc. He was paying for a dating site months back which was a monthly payment but thats been cancelled and I dont think aworks does that, u just top ur account up as and when? I havent seen anything on the statements for aworks since about oct time

OP posts:
OxfordBags · 01/03/2013 13:18

Ah, I get the lols - keeping the lid on hysteria, eh?

You are NOT making too much out of it. Yu're not making nearly enough out of it. Even if he has not slept with prostitutes, webchats and paying for cams are bad enough. And he was paying for a dating site only a few months ago?

Love, sorry, you have to face facts: he has cheated on you, he is cheating on you (even if not in the 'traditional' sense) and he WILL cheat on you.

A man who loves and respects you could never behave this way. And blaming you is disgusting and just shows that he doesn't care about you.

npg1 · 01/03/2013 13:31

I said to him months ago when I saw an awork payment on our joint bank account, didnt make too much of a big deal of it but said if u wanna look at porn I dont mind just dont pay for it. I dont get why he is paying for this site and its all credits?

Yeah I am in denial, I have to get my head around it all, what the hell am I gonna do with my life? Split up from kids dad and now divorced my new husband, arghhh

OP posts:
VoiceofUnreason · 01/03/2013 13:40

DO NOT try and conceive a baby with this man because it is inevitable down the road you will split up and have three kids to look after on your own. Kick him out.

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/03/2013 13:54

Instead of free porn, he is using this vile website to hook up with sex workers - he wants to INTERACT with them (whether its via webcams or in real life).

Please do not have a baby with this horrible lying cheating scumbag.

This man will never make you happy and will always blame you for his shitty behaviour - get out while you can.

botandhothered · 01/03/2013 13:56

I think your best bet would be to access some counselling for your very,very, low self esteem.

Get a referral from your doctor.

Stop ttc with this man.

You knowingly married a cheat and a liar who likely sleeps with prostitutes.

Why would anyone do that?

BOF · 01/03/2013 14:05

What a creep. DO NOT HAVE A BABY WITH THIS MAN.

npg1 · 01/03/2013 14:06

I dont actually feel I have low self esteem. I am depressed at the moment but that was before all of this. Hes never gonna change, I thought he would stop doing it. The feeling that I dont trust him is getting worse and worse.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/03/2013 14:13

Don't throw your life away with the money you spent on your wedding

You would be an absolute mug to stay with this man

As for Ttc......why? Do you think a baby will make him stop getting sexual kicks outside of his marriage ? No. When you are stuck at home with a newborn, he will use it as an excuse to fuck other women (again)