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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

dh been using awork (here we go again) arghhh

68 replies

npg1 · 01/03/2013 11:53

Hi everyone. Well I posted about this time last yr after I found credit card statements for dh. We have been together 2 yrs, got married 5 months ago and things are good between us. We are ttc but having difficulties.

Anyway I nearly always secretely check his statements if I can find them, I know this is wrong but I worry what he outs on the card.

The past fews months every now and then something will flag up, a random payment to paypal which I thought was a dating site and turns out I researched wrongly. I did confront him but he said no way. A couple times aworks have come up. We ended up having row and him saying I dont trust him etc.

Now, 2 days ago the credit card statement came through, he opened it read out the couple of things I knew about and then put it on the side back in the envelop. I know I shouldn't have checked but I look and it was only the first part of it and the page was missing with all the spends on it.

So last night his work coat was hanging in the bedroom and I knew full well the page was in his pocket so I went to the loo and looked cos I was worried he was hiding something. On there was a £40 payment to awork. Arghhh.

Anyway the story gets better. He came up while I was in the loo and said he was getting phone out of his pocket and then went down. When I came out I checked and the oaoer was gone! He had put it in his jogging trousers he had on! So this morning I cleaned the bedroom whike he was getting ready for work and took his jogging trousers for washibg, he said they dont need washing and then he asked me to get his lunch ready downstairs cos he was in rush. So I did.

Now he has gone to work and the paper has gone again!

What do I do? We have been married 5 months. I have 2 children from previous. I dont want to confront him cos he will say im checking up on him. Do I monitor it for a few more months? I think he knows im onto him and have seen the paper cos he says I have been funny with him. Arghhh!

OP posts:
galwaygirl · 01/03/2013 14:13

Jesus, I thought i had been a bit hardened to things by this site but I can't believe this - what are you even getting from this relationship? The fact that you have to check his card statements is bad enough but then to find proof he is doing this and still not be sure what to do?! Even if he is not actually meeting them what he is doing is disgusting and more than enough reason to leave!
You deserve so much better than this and so do your kids

CajaDeLaMemoria · 01/03/2013 14:19

NPG1 I'm concerned that your belief that he hasn't slept with anyone is because the amounts he pays to Awork are too low. I'm fairly sure that Awork only charges for "choosing" a sex worker - looking at galleries or buying webchats etc - and that any actual sex acts are paid directly, so would be withdrawals etc.

I also think that his lack of respect for you to continue doing this, and the deceit involved to be constantly moving his statements all the time, show how terrible this is. Could you ask him to leave so that you have time to collect your thoughts, and decide what you want to do?

PatriciaHolm · 01/03/2013 14:20

So if I get this right - you've been together 2 years, married 5 months, but he's been using adultworkf for pretty much all that time? Even though he knows you know, he's carried on? But you still married him?

Please please stop TTCing. This man doesn't love you, never has really, and he certainly doesn't respect you. Adultwork is for meeting with sex workers; there are plenty of places to get free porn, Awork is for those who want more. If he hasn't done it already, he's planning to. Don't bring a child into this.

Don't stay with this unfaithful abusive twat, please.

flurp · 01/03/2013 14:23

God that's awful!
I would kick his arse out and thank god you didn't have a baby with a man like this.
You deserve better Smile

Original poster
npg1 · 01/03/2013 14:31

I thought because I hadnt seen a payment out of the account since oct then he had finally got the message and stopped doing this. But then his account must have got low the other week and he has topped it back up again. I dont know what hes on. Your right abiut the baby but then I try and make excuses, perhaps hes down because weve been trying for a while and this is his fix! But not this! Porn is different. And we r meant to be picking up new car next weekend!

OP posts:
Losingexcessweight · 01/03/2013 14:48

Op my heart goes out to you, its an awful situation to be in.

You can do better than him.

If this was my situation with my dh, i wouldnt be able to hold back, i would really give it to him.

You need to talk to him, you dont deserve someone like this, no one does

SolomanDaisy · 01/03/2013 14:54

There are plenty of other sites if he just wanted porn/webcams. He is probably using awork to arrange to meet prostitutes and paying them direct. You need to stop having unprotected sex with this man.

PeppermintPasty · 01/03/2013 15:02

Your back story is familiar, but I haven't searched. I am so sorry npg. Look, do you have any real life support to help you see this straight? Can you confide in someone?

He is horrible. Could you even contemplate going to see a solicitor so you know where you stand? I think I know the answer to that already though Sad

Original poster
npg1 · 01/03/2013 15:12

I have to go and do the school run and then my best friend is ringing me. I dont really want to tell her but I told her when this happened last yr. Im devestated, I feel like a failure. I just dont know what to do.

He is home at about 8.30 tonight and I dont know what to say to him, fri nights r my wine night and im worried of saying too much. He normally texts on his way home and this morning was asking if I am ok.

Could I say to him I want to see the other part of bill when he gets home....? (Hes prob taken it to work to shred)

OP posts:
Distrustinggirlnow · 01/03/2013 15:20

So sorry to hear you're going through this. There's a well worn script that involves deleting and denying, or in your case shredding and denying.

Now I'm not saying you should do this, but if it were me, I would be looking at his emails and adult work account.

If you're going to confront him you need evidence I'm afraid or he will lie his way out of it, again.....

Thinking of you xx

fluffyraggies · 01/03/2013 15:20

You're not a failure. This is NOT your fault.

Please, please stop ttc with this man, if you do nothing else straight away.

Talk to your friend about what is going on. Get some good real life support (not belittling MN :))

I cannot see this man changing OP. I've never said LTB on a thread, but really - he's showing you no respect. And i don't think he is capable of being faithful.

Pandemoniaa · 01/03/2013 15:22

I wouldn't waste time getting into detailed discussions about seeing the other half of the credit card but I would ask him, outright, why he thinks it is still appropriate to use this horrible site because his continued presence on it is threatening your marriage. Don't let him make you feel a failure either. The fault is his.

Original poster
npg1 · 01/03/2013 15:26

Thank you. I dont think I could access his account, his iphone is always on silent and has a pin code. Although I do know the code I dont think I would ever go through it. (I think i would be too worried what I found if im honest)

OP posts:
fluffyraggies · 01/03/2013 15:59

I don't think you need to wave evidence in his face OP.

Tell him you've seen the payment on his account and you've had enough now. He'll know it's the truth because he'll know the payment is there, IYSWIM? You don't have to proove it.

LisaMed · 01/03/2013 16:09

Can I just mention - you can decided you don't want to be together. You do not need a reason. Not at all. Not a single word of a reason, not a full stop or a comma. He cannot force you to stay.

What needs to happen to make you happy to stay? Will he contribute to that in any way? Forget about needing proof. Forget about whether or not it is justified. They are not important. Finding proof is not important. You being happy is.

Xales · 01/03/2013 16:13

Do you realise every time you sleep with this man without a condom and TTC your are playing Russian roulette with your health.

No you don't know he has cheated.

You do now his opinion if women is so low he thinks nothing of paying to use one in some way for his own sexual gratification.

cjel · 01/03/2013 16:27

AGree with Lisamed. Don't get into discussion about what he did or didn't do . Hes hardly known for telling the truth is he?

MadAboutHotChoc · 01/03/2013 17:07

I would have a problem with his use of porn - there is a proven link between porn and infidelity and that is certainly true in his case.

You know he is cheating and you have seen the statements so these are good enough reasons for him to leave even if he denies everything - tell him to hand over his phone, passwords and show you his emails there and then. If he refuses, then you know he is lying.

Doha · 01/03/2013 17:39

ANd just day you did fall pregnant. Would you want to have a child to a man who behaves like this. Do you think he is a good role model to any future DC's?

He has fooled you once don't make yourself a fool and trust him again

Original poster
npg1 · 01/03/2013 18:14

Thanks everyone. I have had a good chat with my best friend tonight. She agrees its wrong. I have just created an account on aworks to see what credits get you. 10 credits = £10

OP posts:
MadAboutHotChoc · 01/03/2013 18:34

what's the point? You know he is getting his sexual kicks outside the marriage.

You know he is spending joint finances on his vile habits.

You know he has a warped view of women and sex.

You know he is a liar and cheat.

You know you are worth far more than this.

Tamoo · 01/03/2013 19:25

Awork does not take credit card subscriptions etc so whatever he is paying to the site, he is actively taking the decision to log in and purchase credits, and doing so manually each time.

The credits cannot be used to 'buy sex' unless a specific sex worker agrees to be paid using credits (unlikely, though the sex workers are charged credits for advertising things like their phone number and specific availability).

The credits can be used to buy stuff like phone sex and webcam sex. This is done either in groups (loads of guys logging in to the same session and instructing the sex worker what they want her to wear/say/do to herself. Or a private session, where it is just your OH and the sex worker interacting.

Alternatively credits can be used to buy access to a woman's photo or film gallery (porn), or to make purchases if she is selling things like used underwear, dildoes etc.

PatriciaHolm · 02/03/2013 01:11

Why are you worried about saying too much to a man who would happily shag a sex worker and then come home to you? Please. He's not worth you; you are worth so much more than this.

Charlie97 · 02/03/2013 04:08

Firstly, how long have you been TTC? Given you had a fairly big wedding (I presume), then maybe it's since then?

If so, why is this his escape after only 5 months of presumably lots of trying, that's a great bit of TTC!

So, you have a baby and the sex decreases because your tired, sore, breast feeding etc! Is he the entitled to go back to the site again, this time because he isn't getting enough sex?

If you fall pregnant, which I really don't think you should! Then you are effectively going to bring a child into a single parent situation, you need to understand that this is what you will be. You can't then turn round and say woe is me, your a responsible adult and need to think what you want in life, for yourself and any future children.

I mean after five months of marriage this is happening, what's it going to be like after 5 years?

Put a stop on the TTC immediately, sort your marriage if you think there is a way forward! Use condoms till he has had a clear STD check!

Good luck!

Original poster
npg1 · 06/03/2013 09:31

Hi everyone. Just wanted to update.

So I had it out with h on fri night. He said it was just movies he watched because he was bored of the regular sites. This was when he had loads of time off in jan/feb and he said it was a kind of obsession and he was bored. He swore down there was no webcam or aything.

I thought I had got over it, I was fine after I spoke to him. But now I just cant get it out my head. Im now worrying what hes doing when I go off to work in the mornings and he doesnt start work til lunch time. He also lied to me and said he wasnt gonna do it again but has! I look at him and feel disgusted.

I dont know what to do. I feel very down. Not going to ttc now butnim right at ovulation day which is really hard. Think I need to go on anti depressants but im a childminder and worried it will affect me.

We are meant to be picking up a new caar at weekend, trading in our brought car as a deposit to now start paying monthly payments.

Arghhh

OP posts: