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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dating thread 44

999 replies

lubeybooby · 01/03/2013 09:46

Here we go - all dating chat here!

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 02/03/2013 12:44

I think she's paying for the dress. The rest is down to me. I really can't bear thinking about it all. It's just another reminder of what I won't ever have which frankly I can do without. The more I think about going to yet another wedding where I am the token singleton/single parent it makes me want to tell her to shove the whole thing up her arse.

Hence I need to stop thinking about it, go and have a cry, and safely vent my frustration about this and other shit well away from my phone where I am likely to send texts I may regret!

lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 12:47

This is why I love my best mate. We have the kind of relationship where we can just tell each other when either of us is being a twat, and it's taken with affection.

If she was behaving like this over a wedding, I could quite confidently say to her 'what fucking planet are you on woman? You don't need to do anything for at least a year! AND you'd best pay for my room you stingy sod' and she would instantly realise, agree, and we'd laugh about it.

Or I'd likely answer that I would be flying there on a magic carpet and wearing a pink spandex bikini and paying for the whole thing with shirt buttons and she would get the idea from that too.

OP posts:
mercury7 · 02/03/2013 12:55

Velvet, I'd duck out, but then I'm not the sort of person anyone'd want as a brides maid!
I suppose it depends on the consequences of backing out.
will she say 'I hate you and I never want to speak to you again' ?

and would that sound like a threat or a promise? :o

lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 12:56

and awww Velvet :( please don't be so negative and tell yourself you will NEVER have this.

You might think you're trying to be realistic or not set yourself up for disappointment but honestly, truly, the realistic thing is that you never know honestly you don't. So please don't upset yourself like that. In fact I would sit there and happily plan how not to be a bridezilla like her when you do get married.

How the past has been, is no reflection or indication on how the future will be - so no telling me no man is interested never meet them never want to see me again and all that. None of us know what might be around the corner, or where the corner even is! I know it's maddening from that fact, and becomes easy to believe that is your lot. But it isn't. Keep the faith! [hug]

OP posts:
VelvetSpoon · 02/03/2013 13:06

I have to do it really. I'm ignoring it all for now as that seems the best way. She won't buy a dress (she says) without me seeing it/approving it so will just have to be busy for all shopping expeditions for the next year...I have drafted a message to her, along the lines of stop being so bloody ridiculous, does she realise its not THIS summer etc. And a few slightly more pithy sentiments. But along with the exceptionally terse one I drafted to C last night it will remain unsent for now

VelvetSpoon · 02/03/2013 13:14

Lubey I know I'd be a fab bride. I planned my wedding years ago (saddo), back when everyone I knew was getting married and I assumed I would too.

It's true you never know what might happen, I suspect in the same way men don't see me as girlfriend material they don't see me as marriage material either. But I will continue to hope that isn't the case, amd that maybe at some point in the next 40 years or so I might meet one person who sees me as something more that a meaningless shag, however unlikely that seems.

Scrazy · 02/03/2013 13:14

Snape, this all spells boyfriend to me. No need to label it though at this stage, just enjoy it and see where it goes. Very pleased for you.

Velvet, weddings are expensive for everyone attending aren't they. We might be having a bit family wedding next year but fingers crossed it might be near me.

OhWesternWind · 02/03/2013 14:01

Snape oh it sounds lovely. Wonderful. So happy for you.

Velvet. Aargh run away, run away. I think someone (you?) needs to have a quiet word with her and calm her down a bit. And like Lubey says, you never know what the future holds.

Lubey don't hold back! At the moment I don't care.

Snapespeare · 02/03/2013 14:18

urban dictionary dating definitions none the wiser. who cares. I'm smiling.

velvet I think you will get married. :) and I think it would be a lovely wedding. My first (only) wedding was good fun. Hired a cream vintage Bentley, wore a floor length red dress with yards of red net. Bouquet of red roses and white lilies. We had a small wedding with less than 10 people, then we all went for a curry...then a karaoke with all our friends, no speeches. A friend catered it as a gift and another took the photos as a present. Was smashing. except he turned out to be a fucker, but there you go...) I don't really like the state legitimisation of a private arrangement...I'm kind of coming down on the side of annually renewable hand-fasting god, I'm such a hippie--

lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 14:21

Velvet the men so far have been a bit crap and unsuitable though (apart from maybe C, if he pulls his finger out a bit!) so who cares how they saw you. It doesn't mean that's going to be a general thing that applies to all men, especially ones that are actually nice and suitable for you

And any met from OD that went wrong don't really count because OD is just fucking weird and as someone who seems to have no problem with RL relationships I haven't had one last very long at all from OD, and very few that went past a 1st or 2nd date. So yeah... keep that faith up.

What's the terse text you have the urge to send... generally kind of about?

OP posts:
KinNora · 02/03/2013 14:22

She sounds like a freakin' nightmare, Velvet - next thing you know she'll be organising a bridal shower with yellow Labrador puppies in the party bags like Bridesmaids. Perhaps you should pour your frustration into a screenplay and earn yourself zillions of quid as a top screenwriter and buy a house in the California hills.

< browses online for 'fuschia hat the size of a small child' to wear to Snape and Nameless's nuptials >

MsCellophane · 02/03/2013 14:39

OWW - thinking of you today

Lubey - I want want you are exuding - fancy throwing some of your excess men this way?

Juliette - sharing is good, we've all shared more than we thought we would, it's good and cathartic

Snape - jealous - that is all

Velvet - no one knows what is around the corner, it takes one meeting with one person and our lives can change, never say never as none of know what is in our future

Hope everyone manages a good weekend

VelvetSpoon · 02/03/2013 15:02

Kin if I was a better writer that would be a great idea, there is definitely enough material for a film! The hen do will be a bust as well, I'm trying to forget her suggestions for that...

Getting married for me (or even finding someone worth marrying) is a bit like winning the lottery, in the sense of being something that could happen in theory, but it seems pretty unlikely. Tbh it seemed like that before OD too, so I can't even blame that!

Lubey my terse text to C (from memory - I'm not looking at it because the urge to send it at present is too great) was along the lines of how given that he barely sees me and texts me even less, I am clearly nothing more to him than a meaningless convenient shag, however much I might try to delude myself otherwise. We're obviously not dating, he's never going to be my boyfriend so not to bother contacting me again. That kind of thing. But possibly more swearing, it was quite late when I drafted it.

lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 15:24

Oh velvet. I don't blame you for getting a bit narked with C. He does need to start trying to step things up again a bit more, that's for sure. Anything arranged yet for the next date? Do you think you can ahng on to talk in person, or will a version of that text have to make it's way to him?

OP posts:
lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 15:26

MsCello I would pass on whatever it is I'm exuding if only I knew what the fuck it was, or what the hell is going on! I'll damned well enjoy it while it lasts though that's for sure. None of them are excess yet though, I want them all Wink

OP posts:
KinNora · 02/03/2013 15:30

And just precisely what's up with your writing style, Velvet ? I think it's pretty damn good Smile .
The thing with being married is that ( and bear in mind this is the view of someone who was in a shite marriage ) - the wedding itself is great, the poncing around in a fancy frock and, lets face it, being The Star of the Show - it's bloody marvellous but that lasts a day and then you're stuck with some entitled knob who has a face like a slapped arse, leaves wet towels on the bed and regards the remote control with almost as much proprietorial pride as he does his own penis. Disclaimer- not all men are like this. In no way should anyone construe that this is a description of the ex Mr Nora, his habits or behaviour and we're not even mentioning the recreational 30 minute bowel movements ( but it is )

OhWesternWind · 02/03/2013 16:12

Actually feeling a load better. Went to the grave which was awful, hate going and won't go again until my mum forces me. Cried on my mum. Came home, had lunch, lay down, ds came in for a snuggle and fell asleep with me and I just lay hugging him, reminded me what's important and what's not.

So, I'm realising that I'm at the stage where I'm getting to know LM pretty well warts and all. Everyone has their limitations and bad points and some of his are becoming more apparent now (as are mine, probably). But, and this is a big but, both of us have been having a bad time of it lately. When things started getting difficult last year with his health problems, I said to myself that I wanted to get all the shit out of the way (hospital, dad stuff, shop) and see how we go under normal circumstances. The shop should be open in the next week or so and he'll be working again properly which should make a huge difference to him. I want to see what happens then and how he is with at least some of the stress taken off his shoulders. It's only a couple if weeks to wait so not like I'm hanging on forever. There's still the health issue though. I don't want to make excuses for crappy behaviour, but he has had some rotten luck over the last year. There is more going on than I can post about on here as well, which is also major stuff. I'm actually surprised he's kept things going as well as he has done.

I'm not impressed by what he's done and he knows that. I'm pleased I stuck up for myself and said that to him and that he admitted I was right. That's a real step in the right direction for me. I also want to talk to him about this stuff but at the right time face to face.

lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 16:30

There is no excuse at all for him not making it up to you though OWW. Has he even apologised yet? It's all very well saying you were right but he let you down really badly and behaved like a total arse. And again it's back to coming over for a hug not exactly being climbing everest or something awfully draining, or anything like that, it's not an emotionally taxing thing is it? it's mutually beneficial.

Don't let him off scot free... by all means bide your time a bit but if when you talk about it some serious apologies and love are not forthcoming, then I wouldn't keep giving him any of my time or concern. You did spectacularly well with the text, and standing up for yourself but you must insist on decent treatment. No apology and no making it up are not decent treatment.

You need more from him and he needs to sort himself out. He's a grown man and there is no excuse at all. We all have awful shite and stress in our lives at times but even at my lowest I've never let anyone down that badly and then furthermore not apologised etc etc.

I think you guys need some time for a decent chat. Preferably on a weekend away where you find flowers in your 5 star room waiting for you with a 'sorry' card Wink

OP posts:
KinNora · 02/03/2013 16:34

I'm really glad you feel better OWW. I reckon one of the hardest aspects of being involved in a new 'serious' relationship is deciding upon your limits, in a bad relationship (and this may be just my own experience) you make incremental concessions, always trying to keep the peace, make things run smoothly, keep him happy, until you lose any sense of yourself.

I think you did the precisely the right thing in letting him know that treating you with such disregard is unacceptable, he seems like such a good man that hopefully he will be appalled at letting you down and the prospect of losing you.
( I don't much care for his friend though )

lubeybooby · 02/03/2013 16:39

What Kin said.

I don't much care for his friend either and in fact am very suspicious the poor treatment of you may be linked to her.

OP posts:
JulietteMontague · 02/03/2013 16:41

Western and if he could add 'I'm so sorry for messing you about and behaving like a twat when you are a Goddess', that would help Grin. Good today is going to turn out ok after all.

Velvet Bridezilla defo. You otoh, have just met the wrong men and Cuthbert needs to get his arse into gear too. Some man, a good one will recognise your true worth.

Snape can I organise the wedding, I will turn into Monica from Friends and want her headset mike to get everyone in place on time.

JulietteMontague · 02/03/2013 16:47

Yes, I am also metaphorically stabbing the friend. I don't like her and tbh would be really pissed off that he is doing her favours when he is too stressed or whatever to pick the phone up unless I've got that wrong but I don't really care because I just don't like her at all.

OhWesternWind · 02/03/2013 16:50

No, I don't care for his friend at all Nora. I think she has a bit of a thing for him but he is literally old enough to be her father, ewww. This isn't my usual type of comment so do forgive me but I'm nearly fifteen years older than she is, look fifty times better and judging from FB have a hundred times her wit and knowledge. I'm not worried about him liking her but she's a sly one. She posts a load of FB statuses every bloody hour about what shes doing with LM and I have the feeling it's all aimed at me. Dont care though - it's so childish. It's all kind of "At Tesco with LM" shit. This is all recent stuff since i told her I was seeing him. But he has told her about me now, bet that was an interesting conversation.

OhWesternWind · 02/03/2013 16:58

Ha Juliette that made me laugh. And Lubey with the hotel room. I wish!

I am not going to let him off, I'm really not. I don't want him to think he can do this sort of thing and it's okay because it really isn't. I know what you mean Nora about it being a slippery slope and I'm not having it. But on the other hand, there's a lot of good in this man.

There's no reason now for his friend to come and stay, so if she reappears in the near future words will be had. I've not said anything so far but I will ...

KinNora · 02/03/2013 17:00

Yes,yes,yes 'sly' is just the word . I would not trust her as far as I could throw her. I feel slightly bad about my visceral dislike of her, considering I've never met the woman but I can't help it ( I'm also relieved that other people feel the same way, I wrote a comment about her behaviour last night and then deleted it as I thought it might upset you still further )