Stuck & can't see how to keep 'handling' it

[Feelingpissedoff]

I have nc & if anyone kind of recognises me,pls don't out me. I apologise for this being a v v long opening to my thread.
Ok,I have been with my h for 7 years,married for 3.
He has always been an odd one. When we met,I wanted someone who was steady,reliable & would make me their complete life
I got some of it lets say. We have had some nice times but I really don't know how to handle things anymore.
He has no friends,no family. He doesn't like socialising,I learnt early on that I couldn't go out like I used to.
He is a compulsive liar. The career he claimed to have when we met was a lie. He claimed he had plenty of money,blah blah. He is extremely convincing,when he says things I actually think he believes them at that second.
When I was promoted he caused such arguments that in the end (coupled with the fact the job was not hugely satisfying) I requested to go back to my old role.
He has been made redundant twice since we've been together & my career is fairly happy.
I was told pre marriage I was unlikely to ever have children. He was not bothered either way really.
I fell pg immediately after our wedding & mc at 9 weeks.
I found out I was pg at the time of mc. He was entirely unsupportive. I fell pg next month.
He went mad,tried to push me to have a termination. It was a black horrible time. We didn't have a good relationship for my entire pregnancy. I was under a different midwife as they were concerned about my home life.
About 10 days before my due date I found out he had two dc. I packed my things & left after another manic row where I called the police. He talked me round.
He was super husband for about a month. Things slipped into me being v v lonely on mat leave. We viewed houses near my dsis,the budget he gave me was 450k needing a small mortgage. We involved my family in viewings. It was more nonsense. We couldn't even get a mortgage.
For the most part we bob along,but he just goes into a bubble quite often. It as if I & ds don't exist. Not ignoring but like we are actually not even there.
For a special birthday I got nothing,no card nothing. Nothing for any occasion really. I have booked to work Mother's Day so we don't row.
There must be more to life than this for ds & I. I have begged him to leave before,he refuses point blank.
Feel absolutely downtrodden.

Talk to WOmen's Aid, OP. You will be able to put him out of the house and get a court order preventing him from returning and they will guide you through every step of doing so. Don't waste any more time or energy on trying to make this useless unpleasant man behave like a reasonable person, because he won't.

Some of the problem is not having any support locally. I work late shifts twice a week til 10pm,I couldn't actually do my job with no one to look after ds.
Someone said make a plan. I think I need to be thinking very carefully about how to do this for the best. It just seems insurmountable right now as I feel so exhausted. Ds doesn't sleep for more than about 2-3 hours ever. I do all the night wakings with him,the housework,I'm in a management role so need to be switched on at work then dealing with husband.
Thank you for all advice.

Just came on to see how you are doing today OP.

Keep thnking, and as SGB said, contact womens aid if you can. They may be able to offer practical advice.
If nothing else, call some CMs in your area and ask about suitable babysitters they may know who you could employ for evening shifts etc.

It is possible, but you probably can't see the wood for the trees whilever you are living with a useless selfish arse.

Talk it through as an actual plan with anyone you can. The more you do this, the more it will become clearer what you need to do.

I have been looking at driving lessons. I have never wanted to drive but it's a big level of control that he has. If I want to visit family,I rely on him. I get taxis home from my late shifts which costs me almost £200 a month.
He would feel really unsettled by that I think.

Just on a practical level, have you talked to any of the nursery staff about whether they would take on extra work? I know some of the staff at my DC's nursery clock off at the nursery but then take over as babysitters, taking kids home and putting them to bed etc. It would cost, of course, but it might make it possible for you to continue with your current role.

Good luck OP. You're stronger than you think.

Instead of nursery, how about a childminder? They would then take your DS to nursery for the free sessions when he's entitled to them. You would also get tax credit for child care. You may be able to find a suitable childminder on www.childcare.co.uk.

Get information from your local council too; Women's Aid; Sure Start. Anywhere where you can get info from.

To be honest, if your H dropped dead tomorrow, you'd have to cope on your own, so don't worry about coping.... Your family don't sound particularly supportive, which I think is some of your problem. They appear to have just shrugged their shoulders about your H. Would/could they help you out while you get rid of him? Because you do need to get rid....

Him dropping dead would be too simple. That sounds really harsh doesn't it?

No it doesn't sound harsh. You're living with a deeply unlikeable pathological liar... who'd blame you for wishing the worst on him?

Not much I can suggest except do try and get some real life support and do, absolutely get driving lessons. The sense of freedom that will give you will be huge.

Don't rule out the fact that he might not be divorce, just because you married abroad. Unless you have actually seen the original Decree Absolute (not the Decree Nisi and not a photocopy) don't believe it, for now.

Who's idea was it to get married abroad? Did you know he'd been married before?

He wasn't married before. He lived with a woman for years & they had two children. The children do have his surname.
I have just applied for my driving licence,a small step but I feel quite giddy!

With regard to the marrying abroad,we went on holiday & went back the next year to get married. As part of the process there they check if you've ever married,if you are in fact not divorced etc.

If there is no equity in the property, there is nothing for him to claim. Once he's gone, would you have room for an au pair or mother's help, to help in the evenings?

BTW, if he already has 2 children he never sees, be prepared to never see him again.

I have looked at his ex on Fb & she says single. Don't know that you'd say divorced though.

I don't have room for au pair etc,it's a small flat.
I would be prepared for that. He seems to compartmentalise his life. He has said his parents are dead,but we've never visited a grave etc. I suspect they are probably still alive.

Excellent news about the driving licence!

How do you know he wasn't married? I think you must take what he says with a pinch of salt, until you have checked.

If you feel up to contacting his ex, ask her. Or you can check via the General Records Office. It's very difficult for a lay person to check if someone is divorced, so would be very difficult for an overseas organisation to do so.

I'm not saying you are wrong, just that with his history of compulsive lying, don't bet the farm on anything he says.

In a rural area I bet there are quite a few college age girls/older ladies looking to earn a bit of extra cash for babysitting. A card in the local shop would maybe be a place to start?

Maybe an older lady with grown up children? She'd know about bedtime/bath time routines etc.

God,now I'm really wondering if they were married.

Don't worry too much about it. If they were married and aren't divorced, it saves you the cost of a divorce. Police would be interested - bigamy is a crime.

If they weren't married - you are in the same situation you'd always thought you were.

But, knowledge is power. If you get the correct information/knowledge via reliable sources (ie not him!) you have the power.

Just had a look online,I can order certificates but as I don't know if they actually married etc I don't know.
The thing is I could cope with him being odd if he was in fact nice. He isn't though & therein is the problem.

Good for you OP re the driving licence application. Maybe get yourself a theory test book/dvd at the weekend and start to learn it. It might help you feel you are doing something positive while all the rest is still whirring round in your head

I wonder if you should contact the ex via fb then maybe? Just an introduction type thing maybe? Your dc's are half siblings so there is your conversation starter if you wanted to contact her. Infact, I'd start some digging about the parents too If I were you.

I have access, through my work, to birth marriage and death records. I'm not sure how recent the records are that I can access, but if you want to PM me with his full name and hers (or the name she uses on Facebook) I'll have a go.

Might not work, but worth a try?

"Him dropping dead would be too simple. That sounds really harsh doesn't it?"

Not really, you're incredibly frustrated by it all.

BUT: You would have to cope on your own if he did, so you could cope if he was still alive. You don't have to listen to him anymore. You gather all the information you need to do this; stash important documents away out of the house; and tell yourself you don't need him and that you CAN do this on your own.

Like AF said, you need advice. If it's a less scary starting point than going straight to a solicitor, you could try your local SureStart Centre. Mine has been amazing with advice on just about everything (although I admit not a situation like this for me personally, but I've met other parents who get support for childcare, family, relationship, single parenting and legal issues).

I've taken the liberty of lifting a shedload of resources from a post by Olgaga:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Hope this all helps