Stuck & can't see how to keep 'handling' it

[Feelingpissedoff]

I have nc & if anyone kind of recognises me,pls don't out me. I apologise for this being a v v long opening to my thread.
Ok,I have been with my h for 7 years,married for 3.
He has always been an odd one. When we met,I wanted someone who was steady,reliable & would make me their complete life
I got some of it lets say. We have had some nice times but I really don't know how to handle things anymore.
He has no friends,no family. He doesn't like socialising,I learnt early on that I couldn't go out like I used to.
He is a compulsive liar. The career he claimed to have when we met was a lie. He claimed he had plenty of money,blah blah. He is extremely convincing,when he says things I actually think he believes them at that second.
When I was promoted he caused such arguments that in the end (coupled with the fact the job was not hugely satisfying) I requested to go back to my old role.
He has been made redundant twice since we've been together & my career is fairly happy.
I was told pre marriage I was unlikely to ever have children. He was not bothered either way really.
I fell pg immediately after our wedding & mc at 9 weeks.
I found out I was pg at the time of mc. He was entirely unsupportive. I fell pg next month.
He went mad,tried to push me to have a termination. It was a black horrible time. We didn't have a good relationship for my entire pregnancy. I was under a different midwife as they were concerned about my home life.
About 10 days before my due date I found out he had two dc. I packed my things & left after another manic row where I called the police. He talked me round.
He was super husband for about a month. Things slipped into me being v v lonely on mat leave. We viewed houses near my dsis,the budget he gave me was 450k needing a small mortgage. We involved my family in viewings. It was more nonsense. We couldn't even get a mortgage.
For the most part we bob along,but he just goes into a bubble quite often. It as if I & ds don't exist. Not ignoring but like we are actually not even there.
For a special birthday I got nothing,no card nothing. Nothing for any occasion really. I have booked to work Mother's Day so we don't row.
There must be more to life than this for ds & I. I have begged him to leave before,he refuses point blank.
Feel absolutely downtrodden.

[buildingmycorestrength]

I would do lists too. At work, so he can't access.

It is horrible, but come back for support here. And try the thread on emotionally abusive relationships, maybe?

[Feelingpissedoff]

I know. To be honest work is my release. I am the manager & so I am in control here,it is easier than being at home.
I need to make some lists,that's how I work best,silly but true.
I just can't see the wood for the trees.

[yellowbrickrd]

Thing is, if you do those things eventually you will come to the end and be free. If you don't do them you will have to go on and on living this nightmare.

Can you get any time off work - compassionate leave or similar? You can't function properly with broken nights, demanding job and massive emotional stress so taking some time off would at least help to lighten that load.

[Feelingpissedoff]

Feeling very low today. Just seems such a lot to think of & do to get rid.

[Feelingpissedoff]

Feel drained today :(
I worked all weekend,up all night with ds who doesn't like sleeping beyond a few hours,did a bit of housework all whilst he just ignored me. I'd ask a question,he would whisper an answer or nod. I asked if he wanted dinner & he shrugged. I basically said I'm not cooking if you are going to let me cook it then fuck off to bed. So he fucked off to bed.
Today I start late due to my shift. He made himself toast,none for ds (he has breakfast at nursery) so I asked if he would get him there for breakfast. He started sniping about them serving it til 11,er no you idiot,it's breakfast. So I gave ds breakfast all whilst being very singsongy & over perky.
I wanted him to go so I asked why he's so unhappy & perhaps he should go to see a dr,not because I care but because I wanted him to go & he wouldn't want all the questioning.
Sorry for the probably incoherent he said,she said.
I don't know how long I can stick it,feel at my wits end. It feels just like there is just so much to do & I don't know where to even begin.

[NeopreneMermaid]

Thanks for checking in. I've been thinking about you. Sounds as though your neighbours might have clocked your dh for what he is but even if he has alienated them, can you and ds still be social? Esp as the children seem to want to play with your ds. And even more esp if he's about to be off the scene.

Just taking ds out to play might help you to feel less isolated. wdyt?

[Feelingpissedoff]

Just checking in. I feel like I have the biggest secret but it's just that I know I am starting to plan for a new life. It may take me sometime but I can't continue. It'll never be better.
As we came in today the children ftom the road were all playing on bikes & waving at ds who waved back but looked sad he wasn't playing too. Husband doesn't have a good relationship with the neighbours & that goes for the children too :(

[buildingmycorestrength]

This sounds truly, truly awful. I feel for you so much.

I wonder if talking to Women's Aid would help? They can help with making a plan.

It may take a while but you can get your life back.

[Feelingpissedoff]

A shit. A compulsive liar. My husband.

[AnyFucker]

He simply walked away from his kids and then lied about their existence

What kind of person does that

[Feelingpissedoff]

I basically did some investigating during my horrible pregnancy. I asked what names he had thought of & suggested the two he had used already. Nothing,no reaction. It ended in a huge row with me screaming at him & him up in my face. I called the police sobbing pleading for help. They came,he turned on the charm & they left. They told him to give me a little space. My bil came to get me & everything for the baby.
I refused to talk to him for a day & he bombarded me with emails & texts. He said she had had an affair & whilst they tried to make a go of it afterwards,he was too hurt. He said he knew it was selfish but he couldn't stay & walked away,leaving the house,car & a lump sum.
I tried to encourage him to contact them several times,he refused.
If I had known before getting married,he would have been gone.
In his eyes,I think they have gone off into a compartment.
He was early 40s when he left,he is now 50. I can sense the dissatisfaction coming off him in waves.

[Seabright]

I know, AF, how could you ever forget to mention something like that?

[AnyFucker]

What reason did he give you for lying about the existence of his two children?

I am just interested in what possible positive spin anyone could ever justify that with

[Feelingpissedoff]

Thank you for all that information. I am at home today with ds. He came home (which he does occasionally) & fell asleep for about an hour & half. He slept for 13 hours last night. This is strange isn't it?
Seabright very kindly did some research & it appears he wasn't married so that's one thing done.

[oldwomaninashoe]

Gosh he sounds like my friends ExH. He was a compulsive liar too. In the end he was believing his own lies, it didn't end well.
However although her family had distanced themselves from her and him while they were together, they were very supportive of her and her Dc's once they split, as were her friends.
You find him difficult and odd, so probably do your nearest and dearest, I'm sure they would help you and be supportive when you are on your own

[Lemonylemon]

I've taken the liberty of lifting a shedload of resources from a post by Olgaga:

Relationship Breakdown and Divorce ? Advice and Links

General

Read everything you can get your hands on. Get familiar with the language of family law and procedure and try to get an understanding of your rights BEFORE you see a solicitor. Get word of mouth recommendations for family lawyers in your area if possible. If you have children at school, ask mums you are friendly with if they know of anyone who can make a recommendation in your area. These days there are few people who don?t know of anyone who has been through a divorce or separation ? there?s a lot of knowledge and support out there!

If there are children involved, their interests will always come first. It is the children?s right to maintain a meaningful relationship with the non-resident parent (NRP) ? not the other way around. Children are not possessions to be ?fairly? divided between separating parents. Parents have no rights, only responsibilities. A divorce will not be granted where children are involved unless there are agreed arrangements for finance, and care of the children (?Statement of Arrangements for Children?). It is obviously quicker and cheaper if this can be agreed but if there is no agreement, the Court will make an Order (?Residence and Contact? regarding children, ?Financial Order? or ?Ancillary Relief? in the case of Finance)

Many family lawyers will offer the first half hour consultation free. Make use of this. Don?t just stick with the first lawyer you find ? shop around and find someone you feel comfortable with. You may be in for a long haul, so it helps if you can find a solicitor you?re happy with.

If you can?t find any local recommendations, always see a solicitor who specialises in Family Law. You can search by area here:

www.resolution.org.uk/

You can also find family law solicitors here:

www.lawsociety.org.uk/areasoflaw/view=areasoflawdetails.law?AREAOFLAW=Family%20law&AREAOFLAWID=36

Check your eligibility for Legal Aid here:

legalaidcalculator.justice.gov.uk/calculators/eligiCalc?execution=e1s1

Some family law solicitors publish online feedback from clients ? Google solicitors to see if any recommendations or feedback exists.

Mediation

You will be encouraged to attend mediation. If there has been violence or emotional abuse, discuss this with your solicitor first. Always get legal advice, or at the very least make sure you are aware of your legal rights, before you begin mediation.

www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/Endingamarriageorcivilpartnership/Planningadivorce/DG_194401

Married or Living Together?

This is a key question. If you are married, generally speaking you have greater protection when a relationship breaks down.

Legal Issues around marriage/cohabitation and relationship breakdown are explained here:

www.adviceguide.org.uk/england/relationships_e/relationships_living_together_marriage_and_civil_partnership_e/living_together_and_marriage_legal_differences.htm#Ending_a_relationship

static.advicenow.org.uk/files/benefits-and-livingtogether-2010-11-1161.pdf

DirectGov advice on divorce, separation and relationship breakdown:
www.direct.gov.uk/en/Governmentcitizensandrights/Divorceseparationandrelationshipbreakdown/index.htm

Legal Rights are further explained here:

www.rightsofwomen.org.uk/legal.php#children_relationship_breakdown

I found these guides from law firms quite informative and easy to read ? there are others of course:

www.family-lawfirm.co.uk/uploaded/documents/Surviving-Family-Conflict-and-Divorce---2nd-edition.pdf

www.terry.co.uk/hindex.html

Finance

Before you see a family law solicitor, get hold of every single piece of financial information you can, and take copies. Wage slips, P60s, tax returns, employment contracts, pensions and other statements ? savings, current account and mortgages, deeds, rental leases, utility bills, council tax bills, credit statements. Are there joint assets such as a home, pensions, savings, shares?

Handy tax credits calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Handy 5 Minute benefit check, tax and housing benefit calculators:

www.moneysavingexpert.com/family/

Child Maintenance Calculator:

taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Further advice and support

www.maypole.org.uk/

www.womensaid.org.uk/

www.gingerbread.org.uk/

Hope this all helps

[NeopreneMermaid]

Like AF said, you need advice. If it's a less scary starting point than going straight to a solicitor, you could try your local SureStart Centre. Mine has been amazing with advice on just about everything (although I admit not a situation like this for me personally, but I've met other parents who get support for childcare, family, relationship, single parenting and legal issues).

[Lemonylemon]

"Him dropping dead would be too simple. That sounds really harsh doesn't it?"

Not really, you're incredibly frustrated by it all.

BUT: You would have to cope on your own if he did, so you could cope if he was still alive. You don't have to listen to him anymore. You gather all the information you need to do this; stash important documents away out of the house; and tell yourself you don't need him and that you CAN do this on your own.

[Seabright]

I have access, through my work, to birth marriage and death records. I'm not sure how recent the records are that I can access, but if you want to PM me with his full name and hers (or the name she uses on Facebook) I'll have a go.

Might not work, but worth a try?

[ThingummyBob]

Good for you OP re the driving licence application. Maybe get yourself a theory test book/dvd at the weekend and start to learn it. It might help you feel you are doing something positive while all the rest is still whirring round in your head

I wonder if you should contact the ex via fb then maybe? Just an introduction type thing maybe? Your dc's are half siblings so there is your conversation starter if you wanted to contact her. Infact, I'd start some digging about the parents too If I were you.

[Feelingpissedoff]

Just had a look online,I can order certificates but as I don't know if they actually married etc I don't know.
The thing is I could cope with him being odd if he was in fact nice. He isn't though & therein is the problem.

[Seabright]

Don't worry too much about it. If they were married and aren't divorced, it saves you the cost of a divorce. Police would be interested - bigamy is a crime.

If they weren't married - you are in the same situation you'd always thought you were.

But, knowledge is power. If you get the correct information/knowledge via reliable sources (ie not him!) you have the power.

[Feelingpissedoff]

God,now I'm really wondering if they were married.

[Seabright]

Maybe an older lady with grown up children? She'd know about bedtime/bath time routines etc.

[Seabright]

In a rural area I bet there are quite a few college age girls/older ladies looking to earn a bit of extra cash for babysitting. A card in the local shop would maybe be a place to start?