Stuck & can't see how to keep 'handling' it

[Feelingpissedoff]

I have nc & if anyone kind of recognises me,pls don't out me. I apologise for this being a v v long opening to my thread.
Ok,I have been with my h for 7 years,married for 3.
He has always been an odd one. When we met,I wanted someone who was steady,reliable & would make me their complete life
I got some of it lets say. We have had some nice times but I really don't know how to handle things anymore.
He has no friends,no family. He doesn't like socialising,I learnt early on that I couldn't go out like I used to.
He is a compulsive liar. The career he claimed to have when we met was a lie. He claimed he had plenty of money,blah blah. He is extremely convincing,when he says things I actually think he believes them at that second.
When I was promoted he caused such arguments that in the end (coupled with the fact the job was not hugely satisfying) I requested to go back to my old role.
He has been made redundant twice since we've been together & my career is fairly happy.
I was told pre marriage I was unlikely to ever have children. He was not bothered either way really.
I fell pg immediately after our wedding & mc at 9 weeks.
I found out I was pg at the time of mc. He was entirely unsupportive. I fell pg next month.
He went mad,tried to push me to have a termination. It was a black horrible time. We didn't have a good relationship for my entire pregnancy. I was under a different midwife as they were concerned about my home life.
About 10 days before my due date I found out he had two dc. I packed my things & left after another manic row where I called the police. He talked me round.
He was super husband for about a month. Things slipped into me being v v lonely on mat leave. We viewed houses near my dsis,the budget he gave me was 450k needing a small mortgage. We involved my family in viewings. It was more nonsense. We couldn't even get a mortgage.
For the most part we bob along,but he just goes into a bubble quite often. It as if I & ds don't exist. Not ignoring but like we are actually not even there.
For a special birthday I got nothing,no card nothing. Nothing for any occasion really. I have booked to work Mother's Day so we don't row.
There must be more to life than this for ds & I. I have begged him to leave before,he refuses point blank.
Feel absolutely downtrodden.

[suburbophobe]

LTB!

You can do it!

I did.

[CharlotteCollinsislost]

You say DV would be easier to deal with - but this IS emotional and psychological abuse.

Have you looked into your legal rights for kicking him out, though? Citizens Advice, maybe?

[Feelingpissedoff]

I called the police & asked them to remove him after a row. They suggested he go & stay in a hotel. I couldn't sleep or relax when he went. He isn't rational.

[Wewereherefirst]

Pack his bags and send him off into the night. He won't listen so you have to act on it. Take his keys away or change the locks.

[Feelingpissedoff]

He did long flowery talking about his children when I took him back. It was a few days before my due date,I just wanted my family. My husband & baby.
I know I sound weak.

[Cherriesarelovely]

I think you need some advice about how to do this. If it has got to the point where you have had to ask the police to remove him from the house and you are worried about what he might do you need some help with this. I feel for you a great deal OP, this is a horrible situation. You must be feeling so stressed.

[Fairenuff]

Get a solicitor to do a thorough check to see if he has been married before. If he had two children that didn't know about, he could also have a wife. This would make your marriage null and void and you woudn't even have to divorce him. Worth a shot don't you think?

[Cherriesarelovely]

No, you don't sound weak. You are in a really difficult situation. You sound like you know this is terrible but don't know quite how to get out of it but you have come here to ask and there are so many very wise people that will help to support you. It sounds like your family, although they are far away are supportive too. Could some of them come and be present when this happens?

[kittybiscuits]

He sounds horrendous OP. Are you thinking of contacting his ex? Would it help you if she told you he was the same with her? Would it help you to know that it's him and not you? Although you already know that really, sometimes when someone else confirms it, it makes a difference.

[Feelingpissedoff]

Where we got married (overseas) they check if you've told facts on marriage application.
Family have come to help before but tbh I think they are kind of over it.

[ThingummyBob]

He isn't rational

You cannot rationalise with an irrational person, nor reason with the unreasonable.
A lovely counsellor helped me to understand this.

[Feelingpissedoff]

I've thought about it. My mum says she can't believe I haven't contacted her.

[ThingummyBob]

You don't sound weak OP. You sound worn out. Two very different things.

I also thought my family and friends were 'over it'. I had almost stopped talking about it out of fear of boring them with my troubles. Turns out the only thing they were over was him.

[ThingummyBob]

Do you mean that she can't belive you haven't asked for her help op? My parents were scared of making my home life worse for me and dc by interfering. After all, I put up with his shit for years.
I felt like I was slowly losing everyone close to me at the time. Very alone and afraid. Once I'd made my mind up and told them all though, the support was overwhelming.
Your family will have been watching him destroy you slowly. Even if from a distance.

[Feelingpissedoff]

It's the practicalities. Money,how I'd manage the nursery run (don't drive),how I'd manage my jobs & actually just what he'd do.

[Feelingpissedoff]

They accept him but don't trust or like him at all.
He has lied to them all. He won't leave,it'll be so messy,so hard.

[Feelingpissedoff]

Btw thank you all for your very kind words.

[Feelingpissedoff]

I have called the police about 3 or 4 times as the rows were escalating & I was scared. Would that be on record?

[ThingummyBob]

Tbh I felt the same, and I did manage to pass my test before the final death rattle of 'us' which was a massive help.

I was proper skint though. Really on my arse. I took alll the help offered, worked two jobs for a while and kept communication open with the people I owed money too (househld bills as well as debt - I couldn't pay much of anything for a while.)
Tax credits came through after about 8 weeks and the lump some (8 weeks worth all in one go) helped to ease me through the cash crisis. Funnily enough I earn a lot more now I have the freedom to make my own decisions.

Do you have a secure job? One which would still pay you for a short period of sickness/re-adjustment?

Start putting feelers out for any child care reciprocal arrangements, but I know it must be hard. I DID wait until youngest dc was in school though. Like you, I honestly didn't think I could cope financially etc on my own.

When I look back my only regret is not getting out sooner.

[ThingummyBob]

Yes - it'll be on police records. might help expedite a divorce? I wasn't married so not sure about how that works though.

I know its not right to simply kick someone out, but it sounds as though you are getting to the stage where you will have to.

Try and think of a plan, I used to spend hours planning things. Getting out of an abusive relationship can seem like a fanatsy daydream. BUT, it is 2013 and you are (I assume) in the UK.

You and ds will not starve or freeze and nor will he.

Im starting to agree with the poster who said to get the locks changed. I'd be inclined to think fuck the legality of it, worry about that after you've got rid. Things seem clearer when you chuck out the oppressor.

[searching4serenity]

Sending virtual support....

Life can be better than this...!!

Where there's a will there's a way... Can you relocate nearer to your parents (in the long-term?)... Just a thought.

Could you find a lodger to help you pay mortgage if you took it on by yourself? You can earn so much this way without paying tax I believe... Also just an idea...

[searching4serenity]

Not sure about the rows/police angle...

[Feelingpissedoff]

I pay the mortgage. All mortgage etc in my name. I didn't take his name when I married.

[Feelingpissedoff]

It's nursery that is crippling money wise. Couldn't manage them & everything by myself.

[ThingummyBob]

You'll get tax credits to help with nursery if you earn under about £25k I believe. Find out what you'd be entitled to using tax credits calculator here taxcredits.hmrc.gov.uk/Qualify/DIQHousehold.aspx

Can you change hours at work at all? Maybe condensing hours or some work from home? All things to consider and ask before ruling out.

I'm not trying to be flippant, just giving you pause for thought I hope. I sounded exactly as you do when I was in your shoes.