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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Grumpy husband, takes stress out on me.

31 replies

BonaDrag · 27/02/2013 20:46

We have one child, eleven months. I'm on mat leave for another month.

If he has a stressful day/loses his keys/insert other trivial thing here, then I bear the brunt.

Example tonight he comes in after working late, huffing and puffing and mumbling. I asked him what's wrong and he just stares ahead and continues stomping around.

I react by being rather quiet and he asks me (impatiently) what the matter is. I said I wondered the same about him and he yells that I'm not the only one who is tired even though I think I am.

Ok, I'm tired, but I never even said I was!

Last week he lost his car keys and you'd think it was all my fault..

He's all smiles and civility personified at work and to his friends, it just seems that I get the bad side. EVERY evening he complains. Be it a headache or exhaustion. He's wearing me down.

It's like he hangs his fiddle up behind the door when he comes home and changes.

He is taking his stress out on me- and it's unfair. But if I challenge him he flies off the handle.

His actions tell me he doesn't even like me.

How do I handle this? Surely life is too short.

OP posts:
EllaFitzgerald · 27/02/2013 20:51

Crikey, he sounds a joy to live with! Has he always been like this? When did it start? Could it be money/job worries?

BertieBotts · 27/02/2013 20:52

Life is too short.

BertieBotts · 27/02/2013 20:52

And he won't change, if he gets angry when you try to discuss it.

Branleuse · 27/02/2013 20:53

yep, lifes too short. hes taking you for granted.

Original poster
BonaDrag · 27/02/2013 20:54

No, he used to be easier going. It could be job worries but to be honest I think he should take his frustration out somewhere else. It makes me feel totally worthless and retched.

As a side note I'm anaemic with a lively baby so I'm usually knackered but don't snap at him!

OP posts:
LemonBreeland · 27/02/2013 20:55

Have you tried speaking to him about it when he is not being like that? Can you catch him at a calm moment and explain how he is making you feel.

greatauntbulgaria · 27/02/2013 20:59

We had a similar situation. Over the years I've tried making him aware that when he comes home, he can be tired, grumpy, hungry, and also when he has a glass of wine before eating. Now I make sure he's fed and watered promptly. If he's snotty at this point in the evening I just let it wash over me, and remember he's had a long commute, works with difficult people etc I just try not to engage until he's in a better mood. Usually when he's been a grump he apologises now!

Your baby is still little .. it takes time or a new normal to develop. Cut each other some slack for the next couple of years and see how thing go (I sound ancient don't I!)

Original poster
BonaDrag · 27/02/2013 21:08

No Lemon, you make a lot of sense..

If I challenge him, I'm self absorbed. According to him. I try to be reasonable and see it from his perspective but its like I'm always in the wrong in his eyes.

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 27/02/2013 21:25

He's reflecting his feelings back.on to you. He is the self-absorbed one. Bertie is right. He's not going to change. He feels entitled to have his needs at the centre of the household. And he feels entitled to treat you like this. Of course he was never like this before. You never had a child before. Someone whose needs takes the centre of attention and your attention away from him.

What is he bringing to your life? How long are you prepared to put up with this, if as we predict he doesn't change?

Original poster
BonaDrag · 27/02/2013 21:30

I'm prepared to give him the information that I feel taken for granted, bullied, undermined and his emotional whipping boy.

I will leave him in no doubt as to how I feel and how he makes me feel. What he does after that is up to him and will ultimately determine our future.

I'm sorry, I am so grateful for all the advice here, I am just so upset. Going back to work, having none of (my) family in the same country and feeling so lonely and powerless is really getting to me.

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 27/02/2013 21:48

Oh that is difficult without a support network. Do you have friends where you live?

Original poster
BonaDrag · 27/02/2013 21:55

My married with children friends told me another man might be worse so to 'make time for couple stuff'... I don't want another man! I've enough hassle with this one.

Generally, friends are reluctant to get involved, which I completely understand.

OP posts:
AbigailAdams · 27/02/2013 22:22

Hmm Not thinking much of that advice!

I think you are right to lay it out to him. Putting the ball firmly on his court. At least you'll know where you stand.

Original poster
BonaDrag · 28/02/2013 08:21

Thank you. I'm in the process of doing that.

Fwiw I didn't think much of that advice either..

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/02/2013 10:56

do you take iron for your anemia? if yes - well tell him; he has to consider taking something for his stress -whether therapy/pills/exercise ... something... it isnt fair to take it out on you.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2013 11:02

"He's all smiles and civility personified at work and to his friends, it just seems that I get the bad side"

Typical behaviour characteristic of emotional abusers as well. This is really about power and control; he does not want you to have any. Doubt very much that what he's doing is actually down to being stressed; he enjoys seeing your discomforture. Such men as well do not change.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/02/2013 11:04

Are you in the UK?.

He may well be "nice" to you for a while after you tell him how you feel but he may soon revert to type. The nice/nasty is all part of the same cycle of abuse and its a continuous cycle.

Also the counsel your friend gave you was, to be honest, rubbish. At least you realise that her words were unhelpful.

musickeepsmesane · 28/02/2013 11:10

Bugger that. You must be dreading his home time. How about a strategy like asking him quietly and calmly "when did it become okay to make me feel shit to be so horrible to me?" Say it each time, hopefully making him aware of how unpleasant he is being. If he ignores you, you know he isn't going to change. Really just what Attila said

SolidGoldBrass · 28/02/2013 11:21

Yes, this is fairly typical of an inadequate man: to start behaving shittily after the first baby arrives. He was probably selfish before you had your baby, but it was easier to ignore it. You could try repeating 'Don't speak to me like that' every time he's horrible, but this may lead to him becoming more obnoxious rather than apologising.

I would also suggest seeking out support for yourself: friends, colleagues, baby groups? It's common for abusive men to engineer a situation where their partners are isolated from other people, as well.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/02/2013 11:24

So he's nice to others but shitty to you?

That pretty neatly demonstrates how much respect he has for you.

How do you handle it? By being clear with yourself first and foremost that you deserve better treatment, demanding it, and leaving him as a bad job if and when better treatment is not forthcoming.

Original poster
BonaDrag · 28/02/2013 14:28

Yes- in the UK.

The nasty/nice thing is a recurring theme. But no matter how many times I tell him he is behaving badly towards me, he does it again.

Last night I could see him visibly seethe as I (calmly) told him he had no right to speak to me so disrespectfully.

In the end he apologised over the 'silly row'. But I know it'll keep happening. He treats me with absolutely no regard when he is in these moods. In fact, his thieving, unfaithful ex girlfriend gets more respect!

Also, I rarely go out at night but if I do he is so off with me and last time pretty much told me to fuck off as i went out the door. He, however has had several weekends away with his mates and I don't say anything.

I know I'm sounding like a broken record..

OP posts:
cestlavielife · 28/02/2013 14:52

nasty/nice is typical abusive behaviour; you know that right?? is so you wil always doubt ourself and keep him...
cycle of abuse -
www.heart-2-heart.ca/women/page5.htm

get informed.
let his ex have him back...

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 28/02/2013 15:24

But no matter how many times I tell him he is behaving badly towards me, he does it again.

That's who he is, then. He knows he hurts you, but he chooses to repeat the same behaviour. In full knowledge of how it affects you.

I know it'll keep happening. He treats me with absolutely no regard

Don't you deserve more regard?

He has all the information he needs. He is in full control of his words and actions. If he is not treating you better, it's because he doesn't want to treat you better.

What does that tell you?

SolidGoldBrass · 01/03/2013 17:52

He isn't going to change. THis is a man who thinks women exist for men's benefit rather than seeing women as human beings. Something that gets posted on here from time to time in various forms - and which is very true- is that abusive men think of women as though they are dogs. You have a dog, so you make sure it's fed and sheltered, you make sure it has medical treatment if it's ill, you 'love' the dog, but at the same time, it's a dog and it doesn't get any say in major decisions, it needs to be trained to obedience and you punish it when it does something you don't like. This is how this man sees you.

MrsSpagBol · 01/03/2013 18:00

Can you put it in writing? As a last ditch attempt? Literally spell it out - what he does, when, how it makes you feel. Hand it over in a quiet ,moment. Just saying that as he sounds like he tunes you out when you speak. Nothing like black and white sometimes?