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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have a serious problem - what do I do?

79 replies

joash · 30/04/2006 22:37

Okay..here goes. DH and I have been together for 25 years (married for 22 this year). I love him, and occasionally lust after him (recently realised that the lust is probably more about what he does than who he is IYKWIM), but I am not 'in-love' with him. He put up with some serious crap from me for around ten years, until I finally got my head sorted. I feel as if I owe him a lot, in fact I probably owe him my sanity (no exaggeration here). However, today I have realised that I have some serious decisions to make. Do i want to spend another 25 years with him just because I owe him something, or do I get out now. I really do not want to hurt him, but somehow hate the idea of being in this place for the rest of my life.
On the other side of things - I do not trust him. Whilst he has always been there emotionally for me, he has let me down on so many other fronts. I have just discovered that the he has three credit cards which he was supposed to have paid off with his redundancy - still nothing paid off them. He has actually spent all his redundancy!!! He never, never, ever puts me first...anything and everything comes before me and my needs. Even when the kids were small - on the couple of occasions that they got hurt enough to go into hospital we had to have a bloody row before he would take time off work to take them in the car - or even spend time at the hospital. These are just examples of his 'personality'.
We have had a friend staying for the past few days - she let slip that he was talking to her about how much he gave up to move here and how I didn't give anything up. He gave up a job - that he was actually being made redundant from anyway. I gave up the ability to be able to call on friends on my doorstep, our daughters are now 350 miles away, my brother and his family are 350 miles away. I gave up work to take on GS. In fact I gave up everything that I took pleasure in or received support from and never thought twice about it for that bastard to say that I had nothing to give up. I stayed in Rotherham for 25 bloody years - even though he knew that I hated it - just because he kept asking me to wait. I know these things sound petty, but after 25 years of this - I don't think that I can take anymore.
There has also been a sort of catalyst. I have this friend at college - he is a friend, and we have become close. I have realised that I fancy him (this hasn't happened to me for years), however, there is no way that he would be interested in me as anything other than a friend, and I am okay with that. But a conversation that he and I had a couple of days ago made me realise that I need to sort myself out physically and emotionally before anyone would be interested in me as other than a friend.
Today I started a diet and for the first time in many years, feel very adamant that this is it - I have to do this now (I have about 15 stones to lose). Now I need to decide - do I stay with DH or do I make that move at the same time? Am I ready for everything to happen at once?
I haven't got a bloody clue - I am so confused at the moment.

OP posts:

starlover · 30/04/2006 22:39

have you thought about talking to relate or something similar?
do you think you'd like to make it work if he/you changed?

singyswife · 30/04/2006 22:40

Hi my theory always is you only get one shot at life, why spend it miserable. From what you have said you are miserable and for me there would only be one solution.

Original poster

joash · 30/04/2006 22:41

Tried relate about 10 years ago - didn't change a thing. And to be honest, the thought of him changing doesn't interest me at all. I know that I do not want to be with him. But at the same time, the thought of suddenly going it alone after all this time scares me to death.

OP posts:

starlover · 30/04/2006 22:43

if you know that you definitely don't want to be with him then leave.

IMO i think that it's better to have a clean slate and a fresh start...

singyswife · 30/04/2006 22:44

starlover, my sentiments exactly!!

beetroot · 30/04/2006 22:45

I think you should take one thing at a time. You are on a diet..good luck. Don't forget to exercise.

Now start to write down all the things that you want to change and how you want them to be.

Take your time and save money and make sure you are doing the right thing.

Original poster

joash · 30/04/2006 22:46

I have a conversation with his mother every week (she's still 'up-north' and for the past few weeks she has been complaining about her DH (they have been married for 60 years and I have never heard her complain about him). I realised he is his dads double. I've mentioned a couple of things to her and she was stunned that his dad is exactly the same. I can't get to her age (over 80) and still be putting up with this - I feel as if I have to go now. The problem is, I know he will not keep it amicable. GOd I don't know what to do!!!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

joash · 30/04/2006 22:51

Beetroot - that is sort of along the lines of what I was thinking, but not sure if it's the right way to go about it. Do I stay whilst I lose the weight, in which case we're talking 2 to 3 years or do I do everything at once and by the time I've finished my degree - everything should be sorted.
As for money - we have a large sum of money in the bank. However, it should have been much more. It's the profits from our house sale. We should have had twice the amount - until I discovered that he had taken a second mortgage out on the house that we had to pay. In addition, I have been asking him for the endowment info to cash in - he's admitted that he cashed it in years ago. I have even considered being devious and getting him to sign over the lump sum into an account in my name only - then I know it's safe for when I am able to buy a new house.

OP posts:

starlover · 30/04/2006 22:54

i think that maybe a fresh start will give a good start to your diet as well.
starting with a clean slate and a new life may make you more motivated to lose it

beetroot · 30/04/2006 23:00

I really dont suggest staying untilyou have lost the wieght. However, I do think you shoudl put things inplace. LIKE the money. So you don not find yourself with nothing. Keep the wieght going along with this....prepare for you leaving.

are you at college?

Original poster

joash · 30/04/2006 23:01

At the back of my mind - I think that I know what the right thing to do is - but think I'm too scared to make the move.

OP posts:

Original poster

joash · 30/04/2006 23:02

Yes beetroot - doing another degree at Cornwall college.

OP posts:

beetroot · 01/05/2006 08:11

you are taking steps to move away, diet, college. I am sure you will manage it in your own time. JUST don't rush it Good Luck

gigglinggoblin · 01/05/2006 08:26

i think i would be moving the remaining money because he cant be trusted with it whether or not you stay with him.

tigermoth · 01/05/2006 08:37

You strike me as a very full of energy, determined person who now feels really frustrated. If you really don't trust the person who is your life partner, that's serious.

In your shoes, I'd think hard about why my partner had cashed in the endowment/taken out a second mortgage etc. Each time, what was the context? where you as a family struggling financially? what did you or he spend the money on? where there any mitigating reasons for this or did your partner use the money purely to give himself a better life?

You say that you gave up a large support network to move to Cornwall. Again, in your shoes, I think I'd wait till making some good friends and feeling part of a community where you live and/or at college. Use this time to settle yourself into your new life - perhaps a year - and make sure people do not see you only as the other half of a couple. At the same time, find a way of getting your name tied to the savings so you have access to that cash. And take the opportunity to spend some of your joint cash on yourself now - new clothes, courses, membership of health club, a holiday alone, whatever would make you feel good about yourself.

A year should also be enough time to have done quite a bit physically to yourself - dieting and exercise. I feel sad that you say "But a conversation that he and I had a couple of days ago made me realise that I need to sort myself out physically and emotionally before anyone would be interested in me as other than a friend". I think your self esteem needs to be a lot higher before you strike out on your own. If you really believe that statement of yours, then it's not a good time IMO to go through the upheaval of leaving your partner.

That's my twopennyworth anyway.

beetroot · 01/05/2006 09:17

I totally agree with you tigermoth.

Original poster

joash · 01/05/2006 22:21

Hi everyone - thanks for your comments. I agree with what's been said so far. Tigermoth, I have all that already - definately do not need new clothes, have time away from home whenever I need it. I love the course that i'm doing (which is a surprise in itself . and as for the money - I am determined that it is my deposit for when I decide to buy a house. I realise that it sounds odd, due to my current confusion, but, I also have great self-esteem. The comment wasn't really about me - more about 'him' and what I know he looks for in a woman - to put it bluntly, if I was his type...I'd be doing something a little more energetic right now, rather than posting on MN - wouldn't need asking twice. I have had the opportunity to become involved with other people and always turned them down because I couldn't do that to DH - but I always said that once I actually started considering it, then I would know that I should get out of the marriage.

The physical bit - I definately do need to lose lots of weight, for myself...not anyone else.
The emotional bit - is the decision as to whether I get out or spend the rest of my life with someone I love - but am not in love with - who I know regardless of the stupid things that he has done - loves me, and is in love with me. I have always said that he loves me far more than I could ever love him (god now I do sound like a total bitch).

OP posts:

tigermoth · 02/05/2006 07:50

I can see why you feel confused. On the one hand you don't trust your dh (and he has been repeatedly deceptive over your joint finances)yet on the other hand, you feel he loves you much more than you love him.

How would you feel if he suddenly announced to you that he had found a new love and was leaving you? Would you feel relief or would you miss him?

Also, this male friend of yours - would you have had that recent conversation with if you had been his 'type'? It sounds like you have a very special bond with him. How does he treat the women he goes out with? I am saying this because in the past I have had special male friends, who I know don't fancy me, and that sort of brings us closer as there is no agenda on their side. I have seen them treat their girlfriends in a totally different way that's not always as good and seems way out of character.

I's glad your self esteem is high and you have lots of freedom to be away from home and do your own thing. Could you extend that freedom even more to test the waters and see how you feel alone from your dh? Would it be possible to buy yourself a second home now - some sort of holiday let that doubles as a bolt hole for you? Tell your dh you need time alone there to study for your course or get you head straight or something. Then, if you decide to leave, you will already have a place set up to live in. I realise this may be way too impossible. As you have fairly recently moved home, it would be a natural time to change home arrangements like this, perhaps?

I do think whatever you decide to do, gradual steps are better than sudden upheaval (as there seems to be no major crisis forcing a decision). If you are leaving, you might as well leave as prepared as possible.

anorak · 02/05/2006 08:19

I agree with tigermoth and beetroot. The weight issue might be influencing your judgment as I know it does with me. It's a far more emotional thing than we sometimes give it credit for.

And certainly you'll be better off if you prepare first and make sure you have some money put away. It doesn't sound like your DH will fairly and squarely divide things after you leave, if he can't take care of financial matters even while you're there.

Have you ever thought that maybe he wouldn't be as devastated as you think to split with you? I can see how worried you are about hurting him but perhaps he is wondering the same things you are. It's worth thinking about.

Original poster

joash · 08/05/2006 22:44

Still stuck and probably more confused now. DH and I have been trying to work on this problem for the past few days. But I am confused about the 'friend' He text me last night to see if he could come round today - he lives bloody miles away. Not only that, he has taken to calling me sweetheart and gorgeous as a greeting on his emails (this is not a man who calls anyone by 'pet' names). Anyway, he came around today. DH was home from work early and DS from school. He's only met them a couple of times, but seems to get on with them. But, he seemed as though he had something on his mind and although he kept saying that he had to go...we couldn't actually get him out of the door (took him about two hours from saying "i'm off" - to actually leaving - lots of long lingering looks and silent pauses and as he was finally going, he asked if I would be on to go to his place soon so that we could have a 'proper chat'. then withing minutes of leaving - text to say we really needed to talk. Then emailed me as soon as he got home, to say he has something that he wants to get off his chest - regardless of what my answer is!!!! - WTF???
Is it just me or what?
AM I reading too much into this?
Why does he smell so f*ing gorgeous?

OP posts:

jasper · 08/05/2006 23:06

was your husband bothered or suspicious about your male friend travelling a long way to visit you?
Has he emailed yet?

Original poster

joash · 08/05/2006 23:09

Nah - DH is used to me having male friends, and that is all he is really - a friend. Not sure if I'm reading too much into things or what.

OP posts:

SSSandy · 09/05/2006 08:57

Joash,
I think you should move out and move on, but you need to keep it under your hat for a bit whilst you make plans. Move away from dh but not into any old desperate situation, move into a good situation. From what you've said about him, I would not rely on him treating you fairly if you leave. My Ukrainian friend recently told me they have a saying: "hope for the best and prepare for the worst". That's what I would advise you to do.

Money and time permitting, how about a holiday with the new friend? Do you have a joint interest like doing a language course together in Spain or sampling French cheese? Great motivation to get in shape too, isn't it?

You just go ahead and shape your life, step by step, so you're the star in it and you can actually enjoy it!

lemonstartree · 09/05/2006 09:54

FWIW I do NOT think you are reading too much into your 'friends' behaviour.

maltesers · 09/05/2006 22:56

I can fully relate to your predicament. I too cannot decide what to do , to go or to stay in my relationship. Think i am only doing it for our 5 yr old. Is that good enough? Its is such a huge step to finish a relationship and leave each other. Its not easy..Its the horrid thought of being on your own isnt it ?
Wishing you best of luck inwhatever you decide to do.

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