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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I have a serious problem - what do I do?

79 replies

joash · 30/04/2006 22:37

Okay..here goes. DH and I have been together for 25 years (married for 22 this year). I love him, and occasionally lust after him (recently realised that the lust is probably more about what he does than who he is IYKWIM), but I am not 'in-love' with him. He put up with some serious crap from me for around ten years, until I finally got my head sorted. I feel as if I owe him a lot, in fact I probably owe him my sanity (no exaggeration here). However, today I have realised that I have some serious decisions to make. Do i want to spend another 25 years with him just because I owe him something, or do I get out now. I really do not want to hurt him, but somehow hate the idea of being in this place for the rest of my life.
On the other side of things - I do not trust him. Whilst he has always been there emotionally for me, he has let me down on so many other fronts. I have just discovered that the he has three credit cards which he was supposed to have paid off with his redundancy - still nothing paid off them. He has actually spent all his redundancy!!! He never, never, ever puts me first...anything and everything comes before me and my needs. Even when the kids were small - on the couple of occasions that they got hurt enough to go into hospital we had to have a bloody row before he would take time off work to take them in the car - or even spend time at the hospital. These are just examples of his 'personality'.
We have had a friend staying for the past few days - she let slip that he was talking to her about how much he gave up to move here and how I didn't give anything up. He gave up a job - that he was actually being made redundant from anyway. I gave up the ability to be able to call on friends on my doorstep, our daughters are now 350 miles away, my brother and his family are 350 miles away. I gave up work to take on GS. In fact I gave up everything that I took pleasure in or received support from and never thought twice about it for that bastard to say that I had nothing to give up. I stayed in Rotherham for 25 bloody years - even though he knew that I hated it - just because he kept asking me to wait. I know these things sound petty, but after 25 years of this - I don't think that I can take anymore.
There has also been a sort of catalyst. I have this friend at college - he is a friend, and we have become close. I have realised that I fancy him (this hasn't happened to me for years), however, there is no way that he would be interested in me as anything other than a friend, and I am okay with that. But a conversation that he and I had a couple of days ago made me realise that I need to sort myself out physically and emotionally before anyone would be interested in me as other than a friend.
Today I started a diet and for the first time in many years, feel very adamant that this is it - I have to do this now (I have about 15 stones to lose). Now I need to decide - do I stay with DH or do I make that move at the same time? Am I ready for everything to happen at once?
I haven't got a bloody clue - I am so confused at the moment.

OP posts:

SSSandy · 16/05/2006 08:49

joash

BIG CYBER HUG for you love.

lou33 · 16/05/2006 09:02

i would say, that if this man has made you realise you can't continue with your marriage any longer, leave for yourself, and not for him

TambaTheDragonSlayer · 16/05/2006 09:20

Agree with Lou, whatever decision you make, make sure you are doing it for yourself. Dont put all your hopes on this man. Think about what you need without him in the situation.

lou33 · 16/05/2006 09:29

and be prepared for all sorts of sh*t from your h if he finds out about this man

my xh still thinks i left him for someone else, because it is easier for him to blame me on having an internet affair, than face up to the fact that he refused to listen to me when i tried to discuss our problems, for many years previously

what he wont admit is that our marriage got bad enough that i had to turn to someone i hadnt met to talk to, because he wouldnt listen when i went to him, and that i used this friend as a way of making him see our problems were real, and the marriage was done for

Original poster

joash · 16/05/2006 14:05

Nope - very little emotional drama in his background. Just a really nice well-balanced person (apart from his ex-wife). He is five years younger than I am.

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Original poster

joash · 16/05/2006 14:16

he doesn't have this effect on anyone else, in fact he's quite shy around women. He is unbelievably different and I can honestly say that I have never, ever felt like this about anyone. God I can't even look at him lately without having the urge to lick him all over . Still feeling quite emotionally drained after yesterday, very exposed, somewhat embarrassed and sick at some very nasty memories that are still floating around in my head. Just waiting for him to call when he leaves work. Says that if I need him I can call him at work - but I am definately not going to go all bunny boiler on him. I trust this man totally and absolutely. I also know that if I pushed things further it would happen, but that he is waiting until I decide what I want.

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tigermoth · 16/05/2006 17:10

So, can you picture what your life would be like on a day to day level if you leave your dh in the near future? I mean, after you have sorted out the joint finances thing, which needn't take that long?

Would you be more happy living apart from your dh even if a relationship with your friend came to nothing. That's the bottom line, I guess. And if you feel being alone is better than living with your dh any longer, than I guess you have your answer, and it also throws open the possibility that this man will want a relationshiop with you, so it's a win win situation.

This questions aren't begging an answer here, but why does your dh seem so unconcerned and accepting? Is it an act? Is he in denial or does he want your relationship to end as much as you do? He must see that this male friend goes out of his way to visit you at home and texts you a lot. I know that he is one of many friends, but even so, from what you have said, he is around a huge amount of time. What sort of friendship does your dh have with this man - has this man told your dh things that he hasn't told you - ie plans to work abroad, new girlfriend). It just seems odd that he feels so unthreatened by this friend, unless it's an act.

sparklemagic · 16/05/2006 18:15

Joash, I just wanted to say that it sounds like you and your DH have not COMMUNICATED properly on any deep level, for a long time. It must be worth trying this, before you do anything to end things?

I only say this because in one of your posts you say that he genuinely loves you. You are in no doubt of that. I just think it's worth something - I honestly think someone really loving YOU doesn't come along that often in life...you may get other things from other men, but maybe, just maybe, you might never get someone who loves you as much as your DH? How would you feel about that?

Of course the opposite is true, you may improve your life!! I just felt it was worth saying - because I had a fiar few relationships before I met my DH and looking back, not one of them actually loved me for ME...

Original poster

joash · 16/05/2006 21:49

I think DH and I are little more than an old habit that is very difficult to break. He is not interested in the mariage as much as he protests, yet when I have considerd leaving he goes to pieces and for a few weeks he is affectionate and shows an interest in me. Otherwise - he's an inconsiderate pig who I am fast coming to dislike. For a few weeks now he has been complaining that we don't have time for a sex life (that should be - he doesn't actually)And I thought, okay, give something a try ... so, definatelt needing some affection, even if only a bloody cuddle - this morning he was taking the kids to school and I was having a lay in, to try and catch up on some sleep. I suggested that he join me when he got back from school to be met with a sneer and "I've got things to do, I haven't got time to come back to bed". Do you know what he had to do? tidy all the crap from the top of the garden, that I have been asking him to do since september last year. Text my friend and said I needed a hug, and guess who was straight on the phone.
He did ask how I was feeling about yesteday and I told hi about my reaction, my friends reaction and how good the hug felt. I also cocked up and somehow let it slip that my friend smells nice...DH's response...a laugh and "You don't go telling your husband that another man smells nice" then asked if I wanted a cuppa ... WTF!!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

sparklemagic · 16/05/2006 21:56

sounds like you have made up your mind....big stuff, huh! Hope it all goes really really well for you, whatever happens.

Original poster

joash · 16/05/2006 22:06

dunno - I veer from being adamant about making the jump, to thinking HELP!!!!!!!

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tigermoth · 16/05/2006 22:08

goodness, I can see why you feel exasperated
with your dh, joash. If I told my husband how nice it felt to be hugged by another man - a friend who he knew very well - he'd go ape.

Is this a typical reaction? I don't know, but it sounds like he is in deep denial. That must be awful for your self esteem, knowing you will not get an honest reaction from the person you are living with. In your situation, I think that would make me want to sit him down and talk everything through - even how you feel about this male friend.

I think you must make every effort to communicate with your dh, as sparklemagic says. I don't really know where to go from there, but the more you communicate with your dh, the clearer things should get. If he keeps up a strong front of denial then in a way, he's left you already.

SSSandy · 16/05/2006 22:09

joash it's difficult alright. I mean you can trust your gut instinct (hoping it's right) or carefully weigh everything up but you rarely know 100% that you're making the right decision. At least that's been my experience.

Any chance of some time on your own after the exams ( I mean away from both of them?).

sparklemagic · 16/05/2006 22:14

well, it's major stuff isn't it so I'm not surprised you're like that.

I personally think that you just have to see yourself another 25 yrs down the line - are you OK with however it ends up? Happy to be with someone else (who by that time let's be totally clear will be driving you mad with their own partiular faults!!!!) Happy to be on your own?

If you're happy with either end point.......

But I think to be kind to yourself you need to imagine all sorts of scenarios for the future and how you'd feel about them, this should ensure that you end up feeling strong about whatever happens. And also, really consider what needs to happen first - do you need to get healthy and lose a good amount of weight first - because most splits get nastier and more upsetting than people can imagine at this stage. Might you be sabotaging yourself from succeeding with your changes if you split now and have all that goes with it to deal with?

Of course only you know the answers!

lou33 · 16/05/2006 22:17

there are elements of your h that sound like my xh

Original poster

joash · 16/05/2006 22:43

I would honestly have no problem with living alone. I have no intention of walking away from 20 odd years of marriage and straight into another live-in relationship (have to admit that the friend and sex is not out of the question though). What scares me is making the actual first move. It would be so much easier if DH would just give up, but he will not leave. I have seen solicitors before and whatever, and he just assumes that everything will blow over and to be totally honest - until recently he did just have to batt those baby blues and I'd think oh whet the hell. but I am so fed up of living like this. there aren't any particular good times anymore. Even when they're not bad, there just times - nothing memorable, if that makes sense. I am sick and tired of being married, but not being a couple. Even when we could spend time together - he has "things to do.." and is such a moody git.

OP posts:

lou33 · 17/05/2006 00:15

now that sounds exactly like me and xh were

do you really feel deep down it is over with your h, or is it more about how lonely you feel without his attention, because he isnt listening?

if he gave more of himself to you, would it change things, or is it too late for that?

Original poster

joash · 17/05/2006 15:11

I don't think that him changing would make any difference. The 'friend' and I are trying to spend some time away from each other - but I am struggling and have text him a few times. This is too hard, its only been a couple of days since we were together and its driving us both mad.

OP posts:

lou33 · 17/05/2006 16:16

you sound like me!

Original poster

joash · 17/05/2006 22:38

finally cracked - just turned on the pc to see if he was around and he was on msn. Asked him why he wasn't watching football and he said that he was in the process of sending me an email. There followed a bout of short, flirty messages and now I am as horny as hell. - his email hasn't come through yet ... help. C'mon Lou, what do I do?

OP posts:

Original poster

joash · 17/05/2006 22:45

just realised why his email hasn't arrived - it won't pick any up - coming to fix the pc on friday ... aaarrrggghhhh!!!!!!!!!

OP posts:

lou33 · 18/05/2006 13:34

add me to your msn, i am popping off for a bit but will catch you later hopefully

danny underscore hyde at hotmail dot com

ggglimpopo · 18/05/2006 13:41

This is all sounding horribly inevitable Joash.

Are you sure you want to do this?

Original poster

joash · 19/05/2006 22:11

Done it Lou - added you to MSN I mean!!!!

OP posts:

Original poster

joash · 19/05/2006 22:35

are you around lou????

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