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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I have a serious problem - what do I do?

79 replies

joash · 30/04/2006 22:37

Okay..here goes. DH and I have been together for 25 years (married for 22 this year). I love him, and occasionally lust after him (recently realised that the lust is probably more about what he does than who he is IYKWIM), but I am not 'in-love' with him. He put up with some serious crap from me for around ten years, until I finally got my head sorted. I feel as if I owe him a lot, in fact I probably owe him my sanity (no exaggeration here). However, today I have realised that I have some serious decisions to make. Do i want to spend another 25 years with him just because I owe him something, or do I get out now. I really do not want to hurt him, but somehow hate the idea of being in this place for the rest of my life.
On the other side of things - I do not trust him. Whilst he has always been there emotionally for me, he has let me down on so many other fronts. I have just discovered that the he has three credit cards which he was supposed to have paid off with his redundancy - still nothing paid off them. He has actually spent all his redundancy!!! He never, never, ever puts me first...anything and everything comes before me and my needs. Even when the kids were small - on the couple of occasions that they got hurt enough to go into hospital we had to have a bloody row before he would take time off work to take them in the car - or even spend time at the hospital. These are just examples of his 'personality'.
We have had a friend staying for the past few days - she let slip that he was talking to her about how much he gave up to move here and how I didn't give anything up. He gave up a job - that he was actually being made redundant from anyway. I gave up the ability to be able to call on friends on my doorstep, our daughters are now 350 miles away, my brother and his family are 350 miles away. I gave up work to take on GS. In fact I gave up everything that I took pleasure in or received support from and never thought twice about it for that bastard to say that I had nothing to give up. I stayed in Rotherham for 25 bloody years - even though he knew that I hated it - just because he kept asking me to wait. I know these things sound petty, but after 25 years of this - I don't think that I can take anymore.
There has also been a sort of catalyst. I have this friend at college - he is a friend, and we have become close. I have realised that I fancy him (this hasn't happened to me for years), however, there is no way that he would be interested in me as anything other than a friend, and I am okay with that. But a conversation that he and I had a couple of days ago made me realise that I need to sort myself out physically and emotionally before anyone would be interested in me as other than a friend.
Today I started a diet and for the first time in many years, feel very adamant that this is it - I have to do this now (I have about 15 stones to lose). Now I need to decide - do I stay with DH or do I make that move at the same time? Am I ready for everything to happen at once?
I haven't got a bloody clue - I am so confused at the moment.

OP posts:
moondog · 09/05/2006 23:30

Joash,was surprised to read this knowing your history.
Thought you and your dh were rock solid.....

The money thing (second mortgage and endowment) was a serious betrayal.

I agree with the suggestion to stick ito ut for a year.
You have been through so much recently that if/when you do act,you need to be thinking straight.

XXX

lou33 · 10/05/2006 01:44

joash, if you want to discuss this off mn, i am more than happy to listen, having been through similar recently

email me @ missuswoman at hotmail dot co dot uk and i will give you my real email, if you do

Original poster
joash · 11/05/2006 22:16

hi Lou - i didn't realise that you were still around. Nice to hear from you though. Give me a few days and I may just email you. Sorting through the money issues with DH at the moment, he's happy to move everything into my name and totally understands my reasons for not trusting him with money.
On the other side of things, I can't get the 'friend' out of my mind and although neither of us is saying what I think we both want to - we are texting and telephoning each other everyday under some stupid pretext or other. the texts are full of silly, stupid things really - that he wouldn't normally say - and our conversations are beginning to become..lets say...sexual, not in an overt way, but the insinuation is there. I know that I am playing with fire and I can't believe that I am doing this.
God knows whats going on in my head at the moment.

OP posts:
lou33 · 12/05/2006 16:33

whenever you are ready

Original poster
joash · 13/05/2006 22:59

This is driving me crazy. After increasingly provocative bouts of texting, emails and insinuations over the phone and face-to-face, I finally cracked earlier tonight and told the frined that I have designs on his body (and what a body it is). His reply was that I am married and if or when that changes, to let him know again...in the meantime, we can continue to have 'fun' (as he calls it) without doing anything stupid. Now I knew that I wasn't imagining this - but I also know that this 'fun' without doing anything stupid' just will not happen. He came round from work the other day (looking gorgeous - I have never seen him dressed so formally and whilst it normally does not do anything for me - on him...well lets just say I wanted to start by licking him all over Blush he asked what was wrong and I just stammered something stupid about how smart he looked. He just grinned and said "Yeah right, and that's all you thought" (Bastard). Then I went to make him a coffee and everytime I turned around, he was there and he smells so bloody good. All I could think about was jumping on him - and then DH arived home with GS - and they all sat talking about bloody football. He then took another two hours from first saying "I have to get off" to actually leaving. SO I'm stood on the doorstep, like a moron waiting for him to get in his car (another 25 minutes later - and numerous complaints from DH that we were warming the street up) he got in his car. Another 10 minutes of smiling, lingering damn sexy looks, later he actually drove off. then within 30 mins was texting again. I can't beleive that we are being so bloody brazen about this. One of the girls at college noticed the other day - so why the hell hasn't DH? What the hell am I going to do. I know what I want to do...

OP posts:
Original poster
joash · 13/05/2006 23:00

frind = friend

OP posts:
Original poster
joash · 13/05/2006 23:00

frined even

OP posts:
SSSandy · 14/05/2006 10:17

Actually I quite like the fact that he isn't going to take it further when you're married. I suspect that if you left dh, you and this friend would start something up. He is definitely interested. There's something about him not just having an affair with you whilst you're tied up, that makes a good impression on me. That way you know if you do get together with him, he isn't going to be prancing off having his way with other women who take his fancy.

As for all these lustings - it's spring after all! Grin Lucky you! It's great to feel fancied, makes you come alive... Think I would try and enjoy it.

beety · 14/05/2006 10:21

sssandy,

I think that he is playing you along. He is teasing you. I think you have to stop and think aboout your life and how you want it to be without thinking about the excitement and tittlation that he is bringing. I actually think he is behaving rather badly.

WideWebWitch · 14/05/2006 10:31

There are several issues here it seems to me:

  1. Your relationship with your DH
  2. Your self esteem, a part of which which is tied up with 1 above and your weight
  3. The flirtation with the friend
  4. Money and practicalities, tied up with 1 and trust etc.

I think you need to do something to protect your position financially no matter what. You are married, your dh should NOT have been taken out a second mortgage without your permission and imo you need to make sure he cannot touch any more of the cash without your express permission and signature. I'd tackle this with the bank asap, make it an urgent priority. Your dh has proven he cannot be trusted and you need to protect yourself financially NOW I think, no matter what the future holds.

I think you should forget about the other man. For now. While he might be a catalyst and may have made you realise it's possible to feel this way, you should, imo, drop this for now. It's not appropriate while you're married and he is right to say so. It is clouding your judgment by the sound of it.

The weight and your self esteem. I think you're right to tackle this, it needs to be done no matter what the other issues are, so I think you should carry on with this regardless.

I don't think you need to do anything now other than the financial stuff and other than quietly dropping it with this other man. I think you and your dh do need to start talking about

trust
what you both want
give and take
the future
his consideration for your feelings and vice versa

And I think give it some time of doing all the above and it will become clearer. You don't HAVE to do anything Right Now imo.

Hope none of that offends, my view, that's all and the wonderful thing about advice is you don't have to take it. Good luck.

SSSandy · 14/05/2006 10:31

unfortuantely beety it isn't me who is having all the excitement, it's joash. Zero tittlation and excitement in my life. But you may be right about this guy, never found it easy to read men's minds to be honest.

beety · 14/05/2006 10:40

www, put all my posts into one..and succinct too!

SSsandy, No i do realise it was not you, i was responding to your post and may have thus been slightly confusing.

Blu · 14/05/2006 10:59

Joash - I agree with beety about him behaving rather badly, and teasing you...he sounds as if he is lapping up the adulation.

snafu · 14/05/2006 11:33

Agree with www. I think it's completely understandable to feel the way you do but the important things here are protecting yourself financially and sorting out your weight/emotional issues.

I really think this 'friend' is a red herring. It sounds as if he is having a little bit of fun (I hesitate to say 'at your expense') and is a distraction that - although understandable - is going to get you nowhere, except possibly hurt. (Tbh if a man said that to me I would want to smack him, not shag him, but that's probably just me! Smile) Forget him and concentrate on sorting out what matters.

(and as www says, do also feel free to completely disregard all of the above!)

Original poster
joash · 14/05/2006 22:43

He called this morning - very early and unexpected and said that he was concerned about me. The odd thing is that he was on the beach and when I asked what he was doing there - he said that he had a feeling that I'd be there. I'd just had a conversation with DH about spending the day on the beach revising for a law exam I have tomorrow, Anyway, I didn't tell the 'friend' that - but how the hell did he know that I was thinking about that particular beach - theres about 6 within 20 mins or so of here and I have never been to any of them alone. Anyway, We're meeting tommorrow to 'talk' - whatever the hell that means.

OP posts:
Original poster
joash · 14/05/2006 22:47

and the other thing is - I do actually know where he is coming from on the not taking it any firther whilst I am married - his wife did the deed on him with his best friend, then cleared out the house whilst he was at work one day and disappeared.

OP posts:
Molton · 14/05/2006 23:09

It sounds like, if you meet your friend tomorrow to talk, you are one step closer to getting involved with him. From what you have said, I think he is interested in you and, by meeting him to talk and talking about coincidences about beaches, you are colluding with this and he is reading your signs as interested. Do you want to start a relationship with this other man? Odds are he's going to make a move on you soon. And if you do, there's no going back.

Original poster
joash · 14/05/2006 23:10

WWW - I don't know why, but I can't drop him. I was feeling really stressed this morning (not to mention a little peed off) and when he called, I just find myself grinning like a bloody buffoon as soon as I hear his voice. Even his voice makes my toes curl. He smell so good, he is actually everything that DH isn't and more. This is getting really serious. All I can think about when we're together is jumping him. I am not naive when it comes to men, god knows I have met me fair share of idiots - he is not playing games and I know that he's finding this as difficult as I am, particularly after being at the receiving end of his ex-wifes affair and saying he'd never do it to anyone. In addition, he knows that I have always said to DH that if ever I even contemplated an affair, I would end the marriage first. I don't want an affair - I seriously need to 'shag' this man ( I am so sorry to be blunt - but what started as a very close friendship is turning into major lust!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
joash · 14/05/2006 23:12

Molton - Yeah, I know what you are saying, and I'm also aware that this thing is starting to pick up speed...I can't, in fact I do not want to stop it - but know that I should!!!!

OP posts:
lou33 · 15/05/2006 15:30

joash, did you get my email?

Esmummy · 15/05/2006 15:40

How did the meeting go then ? Or are you ripping his clothes off as we 'speak' ?
Sorry shouldn't joke but its so great to feel like that isn't it, to want someone so much. Have been feeling that way about DP alot lately :)

Esmummy · 15/05/2006 17:53

Well?

Original poster
joash · 15/05/2006 22:39

lou33 - I don't know. I have problem I can't access my emails for some reason and the guy can't come to fix it until friday.

Esmummy - I freaked. We had an exam today and the second question was around child abuse and I flipped and left the exam half way in. He stayed until the end as soon as it finished he text to say he was on his way, but first wanted to know what had happened. I don't know why, but I just found myself telling him my complete bloody childhood - I have never told anyone absolutely everything - not even DH. Within five minutes he was at the door, I opened it and he just said "Come here you" and just stood there holding me for ages and I was shaking like a damn idiot and thinking why now, why couldn't DH have reacted like that when I've told him things. He's been texting and calling all evening to see if I'm alright and to be honest at the moment I am rat-arsed!!! Hate that term but one small bottle of Jack daniels and half a bottle of southern comfort later ... here I am and he still smells good!!!!!

OP posts:
lou33 · 15/05/2006 23:27

ok

i sent it from my real email

sounds like you are the edge of a precipice

tigermoth · 16/05/2006 08:28

joash, this is getting very intense. I just don't know what to say to you. Could you, honestly, leave your husband now? Would this man, honestly, offer practical support? If you can answer yes to these questions then who am I to say no, don't do it?

I do agree with beety and others, but also free to ignore my advice!

How old is this man - same age as you? Is he someone who has had lots of emotional drama in his past. I have met some men who feed off this, like to cause is and be in the middle of it, then overload on it and disappear. Is he like this? I hope not.

FWIW, I have an old boyfriend from the mid '80s who is happily married AFAIK and lives in the States, who STILL sends me emails loaded with endearments and ambiguities. I know he just wants that extra dimension but would never act on it and in my case, I don't fancy him any more, so it's harmless. He always did like to lead a double life. And there was another ex boyfriend who I did fancy for a long while, but I knew he was acting out something and it was not serious - he liked the drama too and I felt he found it hard to an open book, regular guy, no surprises - he always liked to cultivate and air of mystery and something in him needed to make women's hearts flutter - he had the same effect on his other female friends that I happenend to know well.

Sorry I am being such a cynic. I hope this man is different.