Skip to main content
Skip to main navigation
Skip to talk navigation

Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Saved Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Flip

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

1 2 3 4 5 6

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help: What would you do?

127 replies

babyhammock · 22/02/2013 10:36

What would you do if you had an ex partner like this, who had virtually no relationship with your child and you had been court ordered to present your child for direct unsupervsed contact.

Verbally abusive such as screaming in your face that you're a fg ct and that he's sick of hearing about the fg baby while you're carrying that child.

Emotionally abusive...threatening you if you see any friends family anyone etc etc etc

Physically threatening (over and over) ..standing over you screaming, with his fists clenched that he's going to put you in hospital, put your head through the f**g window, kill you while you're curled up in a ball crying

Sexually abusive ..while you're still crying and curled up in a ball forces you to have sex

Who also pays nothing in child support despite being court ordered to do so.

Would you break the order and risk enforcement?

OP posts:

Report

discrete · 24/02/2013 20:45

Good for you. Stand your ground.

babyhammock · 24/02/2013 21:24

Thanks

OP posts:

FarBetterNow · 24/02/2013 22:01

I know this is a bit of an odd question, but is your ex partner a mason?

babyhammock · 24/02/2013 22:49

Farbetter not an odd question at all. No he isn't as far as I know but the judgement was as though he had paid the judge. I'm not suggesting he did that at all, but that's how biased it was. It felt like whatever ex had done/said, it wouldn't have made any difference if that makes sense.

OP posts:

Rowanhart · 24/02/2013 23:53

I don't want to freak you out here but I've seen a similar situation when eventually the child was taken from the mother as she refused to comply with court for several years. Father was given primary custody.

I say to you the advice I wish the mother has taken. Get as far away as possible. Try contacting your local woman'a refuge and see if they will help you hide.

Move away and legally change yours and DS surname

There is no point going to newspaper. They may run but it will be anonymous and it is likely to be used as evidence of y

Rowanhart · 24/02/2013 23:53

Sorry. Cut off

You being unreasonable.

Just get as far away as possible.

FarBetterNow · 25/02/2013 06:49

Please don't comply with the court order.
Izzyizin gives brilliant advice.
Hope you get help today.
Love and best wishes to you.

babyhammock · 25/02/2013 09:44

Rowan that was my original plan but I stupidly stupidly put his name on the birth certificate. Ironically he didn't even want to come to get DS registered.
The upshot being that if I 'disappeared' he could put a seek and find order on me and, as I couldn't change DS's name, find me through him :(

A solicitor I was talking to at the time said I basically had two options. Either stay and fight or move to a non Haige convention country.

My old solicitor, who is helping atm said if I was renting that she'd say move now, but I have a mortgage and DS has just started reception and doing really well. That said, it's on my mind constantly. My worry is that if I did move and they found me, what then.

Farbetter thank you again. I shall phone them today

OP posts:

babyhammock · 25/02/2013 09:47

Sorry Rowan*, I meant to ask. What happened with that case? How old was the child?

OP posts:

betterthanever · 25/02/2013 15:07

Sadly you are not alone.
But there are people in the same poition all over the country not knowing where to turn.
Indiviually we have no chance, collectively we have more of a chance - but we are people who have a lot of responsibilies and are having to spend time and money on court - it is hard to make the steps forward that are needed to change the system. We need a plan... this can't carry on.

FarBetterNow · 25/02/2013 20:37

How are you and how did you get on today?
Did you manage to contact any one about this?
I'm sorry I have no advice to offer, but there are others here who have fantastic legal knowledge and good hearts.

babyhammock · 25/02/2013 23:02

Ah thanks FarBetter I spoke to the children's legal centre and basically my only option, aside from what I'm doing, is to apply for a variation on the order. Trouble is I'm still stuck with the judgement from that judge which will be at the heart of any variation.

Anyway I spoke with my old solicitor again and she still thinks I should carrying on lying low and hoping...that beng the lesser of the two evils. I still haven't spoken to womansaid, mainly though because I'm not sure what they could do.

better its how the law is applied. There's no accountability

OP posts:

FarBetterNow · 26/02/2013 19:09

It seems totally mad.
I hope you and your child get the help you need.
Please carry on posting as you may get help from the wise women.

babyhammock · 26/02/2013 20:57

FarBetter seriously thank you so much. I really appreciate your kind words. I'll let you know what happens x

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 26/02/2013 23:06

Also thinking of you and your Ds. I so hope you get some positive advice soon, it is so unfair that you have to live like this just to protect yourself and your child. You have been incredibly strong and brave.

babyhammock · 27/02/2013 09:12

Thank you Cherries.
I felt totally broken when I posted this on friday, but you've all helped so much.

OP posts:

betterthanever · 27/02/2013 11:37

One of the legally trained people may be able to help with this - but can you not appeal against a fact finding? especially as the judge has retiered and you have no way of making a complaint against them? Seems scary if you can't as people do have bad days and get things wrong. It seems unfair that you can't apply for a variation when you disagree with the fact finding.

NandH · 27/02/2013 11:50

what would the enforcement be??

NandH · 27/02/2013 11:58

I only ask because I'm in a simular situation... my ex hasn't got a court order tho and he would only be given supervised and he's ran off with dc before and he's recently come out of a mental hospital, I too put him on the birth certificate meaning no matter what he's done he'll always get access.

I received a letter from his solicitors which I havnt replied too about contact...

I'm moving away literally this weekend...not country but far enough that he won't want to travel that distance to see dc....

what is your enforcement if you don't follow your court order??

babyhammock · 27/02/2013 12:16

I did appeal, to the high court with an 18 page skeleton argument of all the things the judge had been factually wrong on, hadn't considered, witnesses disallowed etc etc. I was refused permission but the high court judge wrote on that order that under no circumstances was our address to be revealed... So he effectively gave us protection from not complying (I told the high court judge I couldn't comply), or at least that was my impression, but wouldn't go against the other judge . However it meant I was stuck with the judgement. Therefore any variation, i will still have that judgement.

There is a contact order but currently with no enforcement attached to it. That is what my ex is trying to do atm, to get an enforcement attached to the order, oh and financial compensation.

NandH its sounds like you're totally doing the right thing. All I would say is cover your tracks and give no one your new address. Best of luck

OP posts:

NandH · 27/02/2013 20:55

dear god you Poor lady! I hope it works out for you!

no I won't give out address, only people that know I'm going/have address is family, my own best friends don't even know :(

babyhammock · 27/02/2013 22:00

NandH and you x

OP posts:

Cherriesarelovely · 27/02/2013 22:06

I wish you the very best of luck NandH at your new address. I am so sorry that you, babyhammock and it would seem countless other women are having to go to these lengths to keep their child safe. You are brave mums. Thinking of you both.

WafflyVersatile · 27/02/2013 22:23

Letter to your MP? I have no idea if that could help in any way but I can't see any harm.

FarBetterNow · 28/02/2013 13:51

Just want to echo Cherriesarelovely's sentiments in wishing you brave women justice.
It is hard to believe that we are in the 21st century and have such a bizarre 'justice' system.
You may have already thought of changing your name - it is really quite easy by Deed Poll.
My Nan was married to a paedophile, he went to prison twice, but the law did not allow her to divorce him, but that was 1930.
She left him to keep her kids safe, but almost ended up in the workhouse.
Sorry - not suggesting that your Hs are paedophiles.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.