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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Relationships

Please help: What would you do?

127 replies

babyhammock · 22/02/2013 10:36

What would you do if you had an ex partner like this, who had virtually no relationship with your child and you had been court ordered to present your child for direct unsupervsed contact.

Verbally abusive such as screaming in your face that you're a fg ct and that he's sick of hearing about the fg baby while you're carrying that child.

Emotionally abusive...threatening you if you see any friends family anyone etc etc etc

Physically threatening (over and over) ..standing over you screaming, with his fists clenched that he's going to put you in hospital, put your head through the f**g window, kill you while you're curled up in a ball crying

Sexually abusive ..while you're still crying and curled up in a ball forces you to have sex

Who also pays nothing in child support despite being court ordered to do so.

Would you break the order and risk enforcement?

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HeySoulSister · 22/02/2013 13:10

You not had a section 7 report?

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 13:25

He's repeatedly taking it back to court :( and I don't know how much longer i can fend it off.
Bit more information..sorry to drip feed like this.
I phoned the NSPCC a year ago as I had concerns and wanted their advice. They called the police and during that interview I also mentioned the sexual abuse towards me. They couldn't do anything about DS as there wasn't enough evidence :( but they tried to encourage me to report him for rape. I couldn't go through with it though and I still don't know if I did the right thing. At the time I thought it would actually make it worse for us.

I have to go out know but will be back later. thanks so much

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 13:26

What's a section 7?

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phoenixrose314 · 22/02/2013 13:28

No fucking way. I'd take the fallout. And collect hard copies of all evidence!

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Lueji · 22/02/2013 14:11

My friends think I should go to the paper with our story

Maybe you should.
Or European Court, or MP.

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HeySoulSister · 22/02/2013 14:40

Section 7 is a cafcass welfare report!!

It's quite standard, can't believe you haven't had one done?

You didn't report anything, there is no historical reports to go by. Doesn't help you now, but THIS is why on dv threads it's important to report to authorities every single incident!!

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 15:56

I know I know :(. Both times the police were called to my house I didn't press charges :( so stupid ...oh the benefit of hindsight (but they are on record). However I was given an ex-parte non molestation order at the time and when ex broke it I did report him and he was arrested and charged and the police put us as high risk.

No I haven't had a section 7 report. The whole cafcass thing was awful and I complained as the officer had made so many mistakes. It went to the parliamentary ombudsman and they upheld my complaint in full and cafcass said that the officer in question had to be re-trained in DV. They didn't give me a new officer though and on the day of the hearing the judge said that he was not going to consider the complaint against cafcass at all..no reason.

The cafcass offcer said in court he didn't believe me (he came up with the most stupid reason not to) but if he had he would have recommended no contact.

Judge disregarded that and wrote in his judgement that I had not challenged Cafcass (I had and it had been upheld in full by the PO) and that he was a well respected officer (ignoring that cafcass's own recommendations were that he was re-trained)

Sorry to witter on but there's just so much :(

Lueji I feel like that's my only option now.
Thanks phoenix

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MrsTomHardy · 22/02/2013 16:05

It sounds like you have been let down by so many people, the people who should be helping you Sad

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MrsBombastic · 22/02/2013 16:09

I think you need a new solicitor, contact Cafcass and appeal again. xx

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 16:10

Thanks MrsTom. That's how I feel

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PeppermintPasty · 22/02/2013 16:16

Whereabouts are you bh? My boss is a fantastic family lawyer but I suspect you're not in my area. He may be able to recommend one if he knows your area. PM me if you think it would help.

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Cherriesarelovely · 22/02/2013 16:21

Wow, what an absolutely horrible situation you are in. Such a nightmare not only to have experienced that vile abuse and now not to be believed. Is he a very "charming" person on the outside who knows how to talk the talk? I have a friend going through something very similar with her ex and she has been in and out of court for years. They have finally agreed that her Ds doesn't have to go overnight to his dads, her DS is so terrified of him and so traumatised but the whole experience that he now has panic attacks (he is aged 8).

I think you are doing absolutely the right thing to protect your child and yourself. You have to carry on and then appeal again, there is no other way imo.

I feel so angry and upset on your behalf.

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 20:52

Thanks Cherries so sorry about your friend and her poor DS. Its just so wrong :(
Yes he can be really 'charming' if he wants to be, but was really awful during the hearing, openly aggressive towards me, horrible attitude towards DS... the judge kept telling him to be quiet as he was 'damaging his case'. Its doesn't make any sense. Its like the judge intended to give him contact whatever Confused

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discrete · 22/02/2013 21:01

TBH, it sounds like the real problem is that judge!

If he put in his statement something that is factually incorrect (about you not challenging CAFCASS), can you not appeal on those grounds?

Would you be able to report him for rape now? I feel like you need to go on the offensive a bit. Maybe talk to your solicitor about what you can take him to court over?

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ImperialBlether · 22/02/2013 21:14

Do you record him when he talks to you like that? Can you record on your phone? Do you physically see him or is it all on the phone? Does he send abusive messages via email? If you answer your phone it might be worthwhile turning it off so that he then emails or texts instead.

He sounds absolutely awful and I'd be looking at moving far, far away.

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ImperialBlether · 22/02/2013 21:14

First port of call for me would be my MP.

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 22:02

Discrete the judge was awful. I'd go so far as saying he deliberately lied and twisted the truth beyond all recognition. Like you would never believe a judge would do that. I prepared an 18 page skeleton argument of where he had been factually incorrect, disallowed essential witnesses, used judges discretion with no back up and all the things he hadn't considered for the high court of appeal.

I was invited for an oral hearing and the high court judge basically said to the factual mistakes that there was no independent verification, yet *everything all the documents I had referred to had already been lodged with the court Confused...i.e the ombudsman report etc etc...then to everything else that 'unfortunately' the high court had to rely on the judgement of the lower court and that it would be heartbreaking for the 'mother' to go through and appeal and lose Confused and so refused the appeal..but then went on to order that under no circumstances was our address to be disclosed. The other, lower court judge, has now retired.

imperial soon after I got the non mol I moved away, two counties, to get away from him and I've no direct contact with him since. I'm not on the electoral role and I've changed all my numbers and car even. He doesn't have our address and there was another order made by another judge aside from the high court that he is not allowed to find it. That was made due to his behaviour which he admitted to the police when he was arrested like he was proud of it.

But the fact find judge (now retired) ordered direct contact for me to hand DS over at a motorway service station :(

Discrete I'm just scared of doing that and the CPS not thinking there's enough evidence to go with it and him using it as another stick to beat me with

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 22:07

Oh sorry I also meant to say, i went to the high court of appeal representing myself as by then I was technically back at work and could no longer claim legal aid... but with my old solicitor helping me with advice and stuff if I needed it. It was like I was this little person that was no real threat and just not worth rocking the boat for if that makes sense :(

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izzyizin · 22/02/2013 22:14

Did you manage to call the Rights of Women helpline this afternoon?

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 22:19

Not yet Izzy but I did look at the childrens legal services website and I'll give them a call on monday and then womansaid

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WafflyVersatile · 22/02/2013 23:26

Has your ex got photos of the judge with a prostitute locked in his safe or something? Confused That just sounds mad.

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babyhammock · 22/02/2013 23:58

I know waffly Confused.
I looked into judicial complaints but they're very specific in terms of the judge being racist or sexist in his comments, nothing about the judge making it up as he goes along... that would then be for the court of appeal...and I did that.

My old solicitor told me that he had a reputation for being a woman hating misogynist. How can that be allowed to happen.

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discrete · 23/02/2013 20:45

That sounds absolutely awful.

TBH, I'd piss off abroad, and write the whole bloody lot of them off for good!

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Cherriesarelovely · 23/02/2013 22:04

It is totally and utterly bizarre that the court have agreed that you must go to such lengths to protect yourself and yet they tell you you must hand your child over!!! Once again, I am so angry on your behalf. I just do not agree at all that people like your ex deserve to be given "rights" as parents. Hope you are ok.

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babyhammock · 23/02/2013 23:25

Discrete I dream of that.
Thanks Cherries I felt like the high court of appeal judge did that to give us extra protection but just wouldn't go against the other judge by giving me permission to appeal. He also knew that I wouldn't comply yet said nothing about me having to..Confused

I was supposed to be in court Friday, I obviously didn't go as I'm not responding (on old solicitor's advice)... not sure what else to do.
I've prepared something though for if/when they catch up with me, which basically argues that to force me to present DS for contact in these circumstances, is a violation of my parental responsibility to protect DS, and a violation of DS?s right to be safe.

Additionally to punish me, when I am just trying to protect my child and there is no proof that my account of the abuse is not true (plenty that it is) and that I am therefore doing any wrong doing in protecting DS, cannot be right.

I guess I just have to wait and see what happens next.

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