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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has gone - I am heart broken

91 replies

Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 13:05

That's it really after 20 years together he has just packed his stuff and left. I am sitting here in the house we have shared for the last 12 years. I can't stop crying, only last week he said he wanted things to work, trouble is he just has not tried enough, if only he could show me he really cared I would have begged him to stay, instead I said nothing. What the hell am I going to tell DS when pick him up in a couple of hours from school, he will be devastated. I should be working now but I can't. All I want to do is cry. Please some words of wisdom I am a complete wreck right now. Am worried about money, being alone not coping, God this is horrid. Part of me actually feels sorry for him, did not think I would feel that.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 21/02/2013 13:18

I am so sorry. I don't really have any wise words, I'm afraid.

How old is your DS? It might be better to be able to both tell your son together?

only last week he said he wanted things to work, trouble is he just has not tried enough. Had you been having problems for a while?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 13:22

DS is 12 we are close, I know he is going to be very upset DP will keep contact no problem there but he has left, so no option to tell him together so down to me. No ides where is will be living, could not ask as barely able to speak, just trying to keep it tog then. Sorry not thinking straight.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 21/02/2013 13:30

I haven't been in this situation, so this may well be completely wrong. However, I think that when you tell you son, you should be able to tell him where DP is, how to contact him etc. As you don't know where he is, I wonder if it would be better to tell DS that DP is working away/staying with a relative/friend etc, until you have that information, or until you can tell him together.

Your DS will worry about both of you, so I think the more information he has about what's going to happen, where DP is staying etc, the better.

Moanranger · 21/02/2013 13:31

orchid I am in similar boat, although married somewhat longer:

Re son just tell him yourself & support him in his reaction, and if it means you both cry together, that's fine. He needs to know, and trying to keep it together when you can't will come across as false. Comfort each other.
When I told my DS 19, normally undemonstrative, his first reaction was to ask me if I needed a hug.Sweet.
I know it's hard not to cling on, but if your husband no longer loves you, you cannot change that. Hang on to your dignity. Think practical steps - that helped me a lot. Courage!

Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 13:31

Think I am in shock, feel sick. Just panicking about what to say to DS in only 1.5 hours time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 13:39

Agatha DS has DP number so can call him ,would not believe he is working away and do not want to lie to him
Moan Sorry to hear your troubles, Trouble is DP does love me but not how I want him to, if that makes sense

OP posts:
suburbophobe · 21/02/2013 13:39

You may not feel it now, and it does take time to get over (so be gentle with yourself), but you will feel SO much better on your own than in a relationship that doesn't work.

Look at it this way. He is 12, so will be a teenager, i.e. no more bum-wiping etc. You can build the most amazing relationship with him.

Take it from me, single mum since mine was 6 months old, he's now 21 and we are the best of friends!

Don't look back, but go forward! ((hugs))

LeoniPoni · 21/02/2013 13:41

I'm so sorry Orchidlady. This must be heartbreaking.

From my experience when I was a child I would tell your DS what has happened without too many details, answer his questions and just let him react while you are there for him. You can show your devastation and sadness but try to contain any anger as this will be a scary time for your DS. In situations like this there is no magical formula to make this shit situation better but you and your DS will get through this.

I'm sending you a very unMN hug.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 13:52

leoni thanks it is literally heartbreaking. My head it a mess, and need to sort my face before going outdoors as might scare small children,

OP posts:
raenbow · 21/02/2013 14:30

Oh Orchidlady, feeling for you ((hug)) Your heart is breaking but you will get through this.
Speak to your son after school he is old enough to understand ( and may be aware more than you think). Tell him him calmly if you can but don't be afraid if you do show him you are hurting too. I told my kids that their father ( married 20yrs and infidelity) and I were divorcing last week after separating in Oct and I was glad to do it alone ( if STBXH had been here I know I would have dissolved into a mass of tears!) they were OK and after we went out for tea and had a good time together. They took it much better than I thought ( as they had the separation) It may not be as bad as you think! Just tell him you love him, will always be there for him ( as will his father) but that it will just not be together and that he can talk to either of you any time about it.. Then ask him what he'd like for tea/ watch on TV or something 'normal' being a nearly teenager a bit of normal will help and let him process it in his own time.
Good luck I will be thinking of you, come back later and let us know how it went xx

raenbow · 21/02/2013 14:31

PS Roll on summer and dark glasses!!

Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 14:42

raen oh thanks I was thinking that was the way to go. It keep coming over me in waves, got to pull myself together. I know this will not come as a total shock to DS, I just feel so guilty. poor little devil.

OP posts:
Mmmnoodlesoup · 21/02/2013 14:44

So sorry. Hand to hold here x

Ruprekt · 21/02/2013 14:47

Hope you are ok Orchid.

Am sure your DS will be a huge support to you in the weeks ahead. Do you work?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 18:19

Well DS took it really well, we have been chatting since we got back from School run. . I am waiting for it to sink in tbh. He is now settled watching a movie. I am dying inside not told anyone in RL yet, think will call Db later.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 18:21

rupr yes work from home so very isolated.

OP posts:
Mmmnoodlesoup · 21/02/2013 18:51

Do you have any rl support, op? Someone to talk to as you're going through a lot x

Original poster
Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 19:01

Mmmm noone RL really, also people think he is lovely but little do they know I suppose.

OP posts:
IndiansInTheLobby · 21/02/2013 19:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

raenbow · 21/02/2013 23:36

Glad it wasn't too bad orchid.
It is hard even now for me its hard (4 months on)but sharing will make it easier and help you work through it. My wonderful family and friends have been amazing (even his family who think he is a major loser) I cry often , not as often as before, then I think I haven't cried for a day or 2 days or 3 days, and then I think I really enjoyed this or that... and I won't think about him / it ( situation ) for a while. Working from home is isolating try to get out when you can and keep busy, had to give up my job to relocate but am working again and being busy has really helped.
One day at a time. everyone thinks my H is lovely but they can see he has behaved badly ( it's a bit like when kids are small and you say its not you that I don't like but your behaviour IYSWIM)
Lean on people they will feel worse if you hide it ( like I did for the best part of a year) than if you share it with them. It's hard to say the words in RL but it does not make you a failure. Concentrate on yourself and your son x

Original poster
Orchidlady · 22/02/2013 08:55

Had horrible nights sleep kept waking up every couple of hours. DS broke down last night after is dad called. A bit shocking really as he is really worried about him thinks he won't cope, will drink himself to death. Um a bit telling really.
Have let DS stay at home today and will try and do something nice even if some baking. Think I will let the school know next week as sure this going to affect him. I feel so numb/sick right now but keep telling myself he will be the loser out of all this. I just feel such a weight of responsibility. Those of you who have read my threads in the past will think him leaving and excellent idea, wish I could see it right now.

OP posts:
Original poster
Orchidlady · 22/02/2013 15:23

Shameless bump. Really not looking forward to this weekend, anyone got come coping strategies?this is all too raw.Sad

OP posts:
DancingInTheMoonlight · 22/02/2013 15:29

Sorry to hear that you are going through such a rubbish time. If it were me, i would keep busy over the weekend- decorate a room with ds help, plan a day trip, visit friends etc. maybe spends the evenings watching a movie etc to allow ds time to wind down and talk if he wants?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 22/02/2013 15:46

Dancing thanks sounds like a plan. I need to get out but money tight. Can't sit around here all weekend. Also lumbered with pets (All DP's I might add) do difficult to go away.

OP posts:
Mynxie · 22/02/2013 15:58

I've been where you are now Orchid, and understand how difficult it is living one minute to the next. I found it very helpful to write a diary. I would write down everything that I was feeling, knowing that no one else would ever read it. It did seem to help a lot. The other thing I did every morning was to write a list of things that I wanted to do that day and made sure that I did them. Sometimes it was incredibly hard as all I wanted to do was sit and cry but having a list did seem to focus me.

My DS was only four when my ex H left me, and I had no family to help.

You know yourself that you will feel better in time, but of course that is no help to you at the moment. your first priority will be to care for your son, but please make sure that you care for yourself as well. I'm sure eating will be the last thing on your mind at the moment, but do try. Things will get better, I promise and it won't always feel as it does at the moment.

I really feel for you, and wish there was something I could do to take the pain away.