He has gone - I am heart broken

[Orchidlady]

That's it really after 20 years together he has just packed his stuff and left. I am sitting here in the house we have shared for the last 12 years. I can't stop crying, only last week he said he wanted things to work, trouble is he just has not tried enough, if only he could show me he really cared I would have begged him to stay, instead I said nothing. What the hell am I going to tell DS when pick him up in a couple of hours from school, he will be devastated. I should be working now but I can't. All I want to do is cry. Please some words of wisdom I am a complete wreck right now. Am worried about money, being alone not coping, God this is horrid. Part of me actually feels sorry for him, did not think I would feel that.

[Orchidlady]

mad I just know there is no OW but also it does not matter as we are separated now. I could go to his place tomorrow if I wanted, it would not be difficult to work out. We have since spoken and he is happy for DS to go there, I think he is a little embarrassed about the place and it is just for a few weeks whilst he gets a deposit tog for more suitable place.

[MadAboutHotChoc]

orchid - what makes you so sure there isn't OW? how do you know? Can't you just go and check out his place?

Like many others on here, I too was sure my DH wasn't cheating - stupidly I thought that having been with him for 20 plus years I knew him well enough. I was prompted on here to do some digging and found how just how wrong I was.

Your H is following the cheater's script and that is why some of us thinks he has an OW. Sorry if this is not what you want to hear but its important that you know what is really going on.

[Orchidlady]

charbon I am under no illusions he has issues, in fact I would go as far to say he is mentally ill. There is no smoke screen there is not OW. He was never going to live with her but her and husband. I think he was looking for another mother figure as I was not stepping up to the mark and seeing him for what he was. All said and done, this still leaves me feeling empty and shattered. It was not all bad. Becoming obsessed there is another OW is not helpful, sorry.

[Charbon]

But by the same token he's got no need to keep his address secret has he? I absolutely think that co-parents need to know eachother's addresses and beyond physical abuse situations, there's no reason not to know it.

Do you have concrete evidence that this woman actually died incidentally?

Or was he inventing a lost-love story to put you off the scent about a new one?

Genuinely, I can't think of any reason why he would admit to lying about the depth of a relationship with a woman he was going to live with after leaving you other than the most obvious reason that he had an intimate relationship with her, or as a smokescreen for another burgeoning relationship.

[Orchidlady]

To be honest not thought of asking as have no need for it.

[Charbon]

OL has he given you his address where you can see this nasty dog, that would presumably not be a risk to you?

[Orchidlady]

charbon sadly I think he overplayed his relationship with her after her death, death does strange to him. The rest ( alcoholism, drink driving and depression) yes I know all true. I feel sorry for him actually. He was not always like this

[Charbon]

But OL he's already been unfaithful in your relationship hasn't he? Surely you don't still believe that he didn't have at least one affair with that woman who he said died recently? He lied to you about him meeting her and developing an intimate relationship with her outside of her professional capacity didn't he? Why would he have any reason to lie other than the obvious?

Plus he left before and said he was going to move in with her.

What is it about this particular aspect of denial that's getting in the way of seeing him more clearly? Is the prospect of infidelity really that much worse than alcoholism, no sex, drink-driving and living with a selfish depressive?

[Orchidlady]

Thanks Three not useless advice at all I spent last sunday walking around and flea market, feeling panicky and lost. Nothing planned this weekend hope to see some adult company though, Really miss having someone to talk with.

[threebats]

Hello Orchid lady - You are possibly in shock, when my relationship shattered, it was the initial shock that created initial panic. I tried to cram in as many things as I possibly could the first weekend so that I was busy, the children were busy, all was 'normal'. Looking back, it would have been better had I woken up the weekend following it all, without the routine of school and so on, and just did what felt natural to do on the day, not made so many plans then. I made the plans and without the sleep at night coupled with the horrible, numb heartache of it all in my gut, I had little to no energy to carry the plans out with much conviction. Which the kids picked up on and what was meant to have been a bonding experience only served to be fraught. Take it easy, don't make major plans and decisions at this stage and trust all those on here and in other walks of life when they tell you - both you and your ds will be okay long term. You really will be.
There is no right or wrong way to get through this - go by instinct this weekend?
I am sorry the advice I have is so useless really. Wishing you both a weekend you can get through okay.
x

[Orchidlady]

He is a complete twat in many things but I am nigh on 100% sure there is no OW. I am pretty sure he would tell me. I am more concerned about him saying DS in manipulative, what the fuck is all that about.

[badtime]

This dog would have to be pretty nasty to stop your son from visiting; why does it not affect your ex?

TBH, I was idly reading the last page, wondering how he would get your son to keep his mouth shut about the OW, but he seems to have found a really unconvincing way to dodge that bullet.

[Orchidlady]

He did not come in with DS. He Was very shouty earlier said the place is crap and all he can afford right now. Said DS was trying to manipulate the situation as he had explained all this to DS. and apparently DS is trying to make me feel worse as trying to get up back together. For what its worth I actually think he is telling the truth about the living thing, I know you all think I am blinkered but I do know him. Think life isn't quite so easy as he thought, sounding very very stressed.

[Charbon]

Oh Orchid can't you see that there might be a different living being at the new place that he doesn't want you or DS to know about?

Did you manage to avoid him last night or did he avoid you?

[Orchidlady]

Oh dear just had a big row on the phone. He can not see how wrong that he has taken a place that DS can not visit. In tears again.

[Orchidlady]

Sorry typing is crap. Than and when and left

[Orchidlady]

raenbow thanks for your post, I am sure you are right. Like you say 20 years is such a long time. I feel totally lost right now. I feel worse now then wehn he laft last week, and yes going through all the emotions. Told DS last night that he will not be able to go to the new place as there is a nasty dog there. WTF!

[raenbow]

There is not anything wrong with you Orchid, this is just part of the process you will have to go through to get to the other side. (having just emerged I can see that now) You will go through the nostalgia thing, blame, regret, anger possibly some hate and then exhausted by all that emotion you will somehow come out into the light.
I hate it when my ex tries to be friendly and chatty too, takes the wind out of my sails and makes me regretful of the 20 years we've lost, but I can see that he sees nothing wrong in his behaviour and that is why he can remain the same. He said last week I hope we can become friends and I told him we would not be friends as my friends don't treat me that badly!
It is lonely to start but always keep in mind your son is with you so you will NEVER be alone when you have your child. Can he say the same? Take care of yourself and your son and you will soon find it begins to hurt less and less ( and I know a month ago I thought yes but what do these people know about how I feel when I loved him so much but they were right!)

[Orchidlady]

Just reading some of my old threads, on charbons suggestion.Wow not good really. He has just called to tell me that all is well, chatty and happy grrrrrr

[JuliaScurr]

Orchid You're not being pathetic, you're expressing totally appropriate pain. You are bound to feel lonely right now, and of course, your confidence has been knocked. It will get better. You will feel better. Of course someone else will want you! One day at a time.

[Charbon]

I think you've been lonely in this relationship though love, don't you?

You're not being pathetic at all. You've held this excuse of a man together for years and he's drained the life-force from you. Living with an alcoholic depressive deters friendships with others too because you've probably felt erroneously responsible for some of his behaviours e.g. drink driving, antisocial behaviour etc.

You need time and space to lick your wounds but you do need to see the situation and him with more clarity. Don't fear your own anger either. It's righteous and you've got good reason to be furious.

One of the best things you could do now is to reach out to a friend to whom you've never been able to tell the whole story. Ask people for help and be honest with them about how your life has been for umpteen years. Most good friends will be glad to help and relieved that you're not covering for him any longer.

[Orchidlady]

Sorry I know I am being pathetic, I think the main problem is loneliness right now. I work form home not meeting people, have lost all confidence and can't see why anyone else will ever want me in the future

[Charbon]

At some point you're going to have to have a conversation about next steps but now is too early I think, when emotions are running high and you're still shocked and raw. The reason he is more matter of fact and upbeat is because he has been planning this.

As has been said, you don't need to have direct contact with him at all tonight and if he tries to talk about his new plans, it is okay to say you don't want any interaction at the moment.

Yes do write down that list. And re-read all of your old threads. Then you might see why I'm so convinced that you've been in denial for a long time about some of his activities. But his actions that have been in the open domain would have sabotaged most relationships a long time ago.

[Orchidlady]

fed I know that is an understatement, I suppose up till today I have had to keep it all together for DS, I should be on the school run now. I think I need to write a list why we should not be together. I don't trust myself to be unemotional like him

[fedupwithdeployment]

You sound really emotional and upset. I would suggest that you avoid seeing him. Let DS come in on his own...you don't need to have direct contact with STBXH.