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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He has gone - I am heart broken

91 replies

Orchidlady · 21/02/2013 13:05

That's it really after 20 years together he has just packed his stuff and left. I am sitting here in the house we have shared for the last 12 years. I can't stop crying, only last week he said he wanted things to work, trouble is he just has not tried enough, if only he could show me he really cared I would have begged him to stay, instead I said nothing. What the hell am I going to tell DS when pick him up in a couple of hours from school, he will be devastated. I should be working now but I can't. All I want to do is cry. Please some words of wisdom I am a complete wreck right now. Am worried about money, being alone not coping, God this is horrid. Part of me actually feels sorry for him, did not think I would feel that.

OP posts:
DancingInTheMoonlight · 22/02/2013 16:17

Are you fairly near a town or city? Often if you go on the local town/cities website there are free events and activities on... May be an opportunity to try something new?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 22/02/2013 16:38

Mynxie Thanks, nice Wine will help when I finish work. Trouble gave up smoking a week ago so a bit tricky on that front. I find I am swinging between crying and getting really cross, such a self entitled git, I hate him right now. But obviuosly having to hide that from DS. He seems really worried about his Dad, tbh I think he probably is loosing th plot but not up for me to save him this time. Last week spent loads on money on valentines pressies and how it wants things to be better to a week later just walking out.

OP posts:
IndiansInTheLobby · 22/02/2013 18:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

jynier · 23/02/2013 03:50

Orchidlady - Have just seen your posts; hope that you and your DS are feeling a little better now! Men!!!

Original poster
Orchidlady · 25/02/2013 09:12

Well managed to get through the weekend. Tried to keep busy but was pretty hard, friends and family have been kind. I am so pissed off with him. He has called DS once since leaving on Thursday, understandably thinks his Dad does not love/like him. What can I say. Poor kid was in floods of tears this morning, but insisted that he went to school. A tempted to call not so DP this morning I am so angry. What do you guys think?

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 25/02/2013 09:50

You give very little info about your DP ... is he an alcoholic?
If having his pets prevents you from getting away, give them back to him. It's not your responsibility and you could probably do with getting away.

Have you lined up some RL support?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 25/02/2013 10:11

hell Yes an alcoholic. Managed to get through this weekend, see my last post, I am fuming that he has only rang DS once. Poor kid is devastated and thinks Dad does not care and blaming me saying he has not called in case I answer the phone. It was horrbile watching him crying this morning and trying to keep it together. Had a bit of RL support this weekend thanks Smile

OP posts:
Helltotheno · 25/02/2013 10:23

Maybe your son would benefit from going to Alateen sessions, as it's clear he is old enough to understand what's going on with his dad. It might help him come to terms with it and see that the best thing for you and him right now is that his dad is gone.

raskolnikov · 25/02/2013 11:48

Hi Orchid, I'm glad you got through the weekend OK - these first few days are so difficult but gradually you'll be able to focus a bit better and concentrate on getting yourself and your son through this. I was in your place 5 years ago, left with 3 DCs. Sadly my ex has behaved very selfishly throughout, but my DCs have learnt over time that that's how he is. My relationship with them has grown very close and they are now turning into lovely adults.

The one thing I felt was vitally important was to never obstruct their access to their DF - I encouraged them to visit, invited him to parents' evenings (altho he rarely went) and made sure they were aware that I made every effort to keep things amicable. Believe me I know how tough a call that can be. However, perhaps if and when he does call your DS, when you answer the phone, you can keep calm and amenable so that your DS can see you're not getting in the way of him seeing/talking to his DF. If you can keep it together at these times, you'll feel a whole lot better in the long run. Easier said than done, of course. Good luck and keep posting.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 25/02/2013 12:03

rasK thanks for your kind words. I have called him this morning and said we need to talk, it is going to be a difficult conversation, I am feeling very emotional. He seemed really please to hear from me. He is so odd. I need to get through to him that contact with DS is vital and needs to come from him or eventually DS sorrow will turn to anger and resentment.

OP posts:
raskolnikov · 25/02/2013 12:16

I know its very early days, but if you can get an arrangement in place for him to see your DS regularly and establish that routine, it will help him enormously (your DS that is). Perhaps you should stress that it has to be reliable and regular contact and that letting your DS down is absolutely not on.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 25/02/2013 12:34

I actually feel a whole lot worse today. Just wish this was not happeningSad Trying so hard to concentrate on work but not happening.

OP posts:
raskolnikov · 25/02/2013 12:42

I work from home too - too much time alone to sit and think...

Can you organise to meet a friend for lunch one day, plan some sort of distraction?

postmanpatscat · 25/02/2013 12:46

Can you get DS a payg phone so dad can contact him without going through you?

JuliaScurr · 25/02/2013 13:02

Orchid Sorry for you troubles Brew

you might find Al Anon helpful - even ifyou're not together now, living with alcoholism takes its toll www.al-anonuk.org.uk/about

stay occupied and do whatever you want to get through it - chocolate, cigs, cry, whatever

You will feel better eventually

Lean on friends, family, mumsnet

Make sure you eat regularly

Original poster
Orchidlady · 25/02/2013 13:24

Just spoken with him and he has agreed to buy DS a phone and promised to arrange organised contact. I am in bits. , this is the first time we have spoken since he left Sad Sad. Trouble is we still love each other, he was my best freind. He is just so fucked up.

OP posts:
raskolnikov · 25/02/2013 13:35

If he's so fucked up, then it is best he's away from you and your DS isn't it? Hopefully he can sort himself out somehow. Is he getting help?

NoveltySlippers · 25/02/2013 13:45

Orchid - so sorry to hear about what you're going through. No time to post as at work, but sending Flowers

Charbon · 25/02/2013 13:48

Orchidlady your exP has been an appallingly selfish partner and father. You're right that those who've seen your threads will be glad the relationship is over because it was very bad for you and your son, but that doesn't preclude anyone feeling sympathy for your pain and confusion, or your son's understandable hurt that his father has walked out without explaining his reasons.

This man was unfaithful, a drink-driver, a depressive, an alcoholic who expected you to go for years without sex and intimacy and you seem to have spent your whole time propping him up and clearing up after his messes. It's been a very bad environment for your son.

If he stays away this time (he's probably got someone else again) then it will be a blessing because you were quite obviously co-dependant and unable to cut the ties yourself. However that doesn't mean that he can walk out on his parenting responsibilities and so you need to help your son to see him, without taking any responsibility for your exP's behaviour if he neglects his fathering role. That will be his decision and not one you can affect.

Get some help for you and your son independently in the meantime. Tell the pastoral lead at his school what's happened and think about some counselling for you both. Try to plan something nice for you and him that you would have been unable to do when his father was around. Get a really good friend to list the positives of no longer living with an alcoholic, infidelitous, depressive man.

Helltotheno · 25/02/2013 13:51

Sorry had not seen all your back story OP. What Charbon said above. You have to move on, for your son's sake if not your own.

Original poster
Orchidlady · 25/02/2013 14:21

charbon I know you are right, harsh Smile I am just in such pain right now, all I can think of are all the lovely times and good things he does and it makes me cry. Wish I could hate him, I guess that might happen.

OP posts:
Charbon · 25/02/2013 14:24

It might help you to re-read all of your threads in order to see him and the relationship more realistically. You've been in pain for years as far as I can see and your son's childhood has been affected very badly. Try if you can to focus on your son now. Will you try to get him some help through his school? Do they have a counsellor for example?

Original poster
Orchidlady · 25/02/2013 14:32

charbon I have really kept up a good front all weekend, kept him busy and talked whenever he wanted. WE ante out on Sunday with my mum. I spoke with his school this morning and they are going to keep an eye on him. He is seeing his Dad on Wend and he has agreed to buy him a mobile phone so they can keep in touch easily. I need to find a coping mechanism for myself, I sure it will get better in time, just horrible right now. I feel empty. Having a good cry before picking DS up from school.

OP posts:
Charbon · 25/02/2013 15:20

I think you need to find a coping mechanism for both of you - not just in relation to his departure, but the damage his presence has done over the years.

AnyFucker · 25/02/2013 18:31

OL, what you are aiming for is indifference not hate

hate is just another strong emotion like love, the two often go hand in hand in dysfunctional relationships

I have seen your back threads too, and would wager he has found a soft landing (OW) for now

let him go, fgs

just let him go and find yourself again