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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Porn, should I be concerned?

92 replies

Jamandcheese · 18/02/2013 05:06

So, I've found out today that DH watches porn when I'm in bed. We have two DC under two so I get tires early an by 9.30 need my bed.

I know men watch porn. But the thing is we don't have sex anymore. Maybe once or twice evey two months. It use to be twice or three times a week. I'm concerned about the lack of sex and have tried to bring it up with DH but it always turns into a row.

DH had a one night stand over a year ago which we have worked through. On some days it's good, but the days that the reminders come up, it's crap.

Should I be worried that we don't have sex anymore but he gets his jolly with porn instead?

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 20:16

I don't actually believe this man is "only" watching porn. I reckon he has admitted to the lowest common denominator of what OP will accept. And accept it she will, because of the way her self esteem and mental health has been sucked out by this emotional fucking vampire.

His horribly cruel and entitled attitude towards the woman he is supposed to love indicates something more to me.

OP, do yourself a great big favour. Start talking to people in RL about how awful your relationship actually is. Keeping his treatment of you secret is harming you very badly indeed.

NcNcNcNc · 18/02/2013 20:19

AF - good point, if his history was deleted and you said 'have you been watching porn?' he probably jumped at that explanation with both hands... the other explanation could be that he hasn't changed his cheating ways and removed texts to hide that Sad

Original poster
Jamandcheese · 18/02/2013 21:13

I sometimes wish I had someone to talk to in RL but I am so embarrassed.

Embarrassed by what he has done and the sympathy. I don't want people to feel sorry for me. I hate that feeling. So I find it's I find it so much easier to put a smile on my face and pretend. To pretend that life is good. But inside I have honestly broken down.

The thing is, apart from this, he can be such a good man. He is a good father. And I just keep thinking, maybe life will get better

OP posts:
badinage · 18/02/2013 21:22

Look what pretending has done to you. Do you like what you've become? Do you feel you show the 'real you' to the outside world?

Think about the life you'd prefer and the 'you' you'd prefer to be.

There are better men.

There's a better you.

AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 21:24

How will it get better ?

If you keep covering up for him, and swallowing your unhappiness, it will get worse. Your health is going to suffer.

You have no reason to be embarassed. This is his shame, not yours. A man that treats his wife so badly is not a good father, this is always what women say when they can find no other empty platitude to describe a person such as this.

A good father should treat his children's mother well, and with respect. That is one of the first, and most important lessons for a child of either sex to learn.

Reach out to one person. It may not even have to be your best or oldest friend. Once you start opening up, you will learn that he is not quite fooling all of the people, all of the time. Believe me. These men give out signs to outsiders that can be difficult to see when you are living within a situation.

If you can't face someone you know, give Women's Aid a ring. They will not judge you and they will not try to force you down a path you are not ready to take. Have a read of their site...their is lots of information on there about emotional abuse that you will recognise in your horrible partner.

It's not ok for you to live like this.

ThingsThatMakeYouGoHmmmmmmmmm · 18/02/2013 21:28

A good father should treat his children's mother well, and with respect.

THIS. X 1000000

AnyFucker · 18/02/2013 21:29

It works the other way too, Hmmmmmmmmmm

but I am sure you understand that isn't what we are talking about here

badinage · 18/02/2013 21:38

Yes that's the big fat lie that women use to stay in a relationship that will eventually damage their children isn't it?

"He's a good Dad"

Oh no, he's not.

Original poster
Jamandcheese · 19/02/2013 04:31

Thank you everyone for your advice. I need time to think. I will talk to him. Not just yet but in a few days when I have thought about what to say and say it without being an emotional fool.

I know I'm not the person I used to be. I'm just someone doing what I should be doing to keep everyone else happy.

I will look at women's aid. I just can't talk to anyone in RL. I always wonder if I'm not enough of a woman. Not interesting, pretty or just enough

OP posts:
CheerfulYank · 19/02/2013 04:44

Oh honey. You are enough, just as you are. I don't have anything to say that hasn't been said, but .

CogitoErgoSometimes · 19/02/2013 07:30

" I always wonder if I'm not enough of a woman"

This is the net effect of staying with someone that treats you with total disrespect. If you see your role in life to keep other people happy to the detriment of yourself, if you never speak out and assert yourself, if you think you have to tolerate the rejection this man is subjecting you because you don't deserve better ... then you will sink further and further into a mire of misery and self-loathing.

Have you spoken to your GP? If you are depressed (and you sound that way to me) you could explain what's going on to them and ask to be referred for some counselling. You really need to tell someone real all of this... even if it is in confidence... because keeping this man's sordid secrets to yourself is slowly killing you.

Original poster
Jamandcheese · 19/02/2013 22:40

Thank you. I will talk to him soon. An then hopefully i get some answers. I'll let you all know what he says

Thank you everyone. I wish I was as clear headed as you all.

OP posts:
krimbles · 19/02/2013 22:44

All men watch porn. This is a fact. The people who think they don't are simply being misled.

anonacfr · 19/02/2013 22:58

I was wondering when we were going to get a post like that. How helpful.

CheerfulYank · 19/02/2013 23:06

Bullshit.

krimbles · 19/02/2013 23:17

It is very helpful. All this over analysing when she can just stop getting wound up with herself and thinking there is something wrong. Her man is doing what all men do. Fact.

AnyFucker · 19/02/2013 23:18

Men can only wank with porn. Their bollocks will explode if their frigid, sex-hating partners don't smile sweetly and hand over the laptop, then make themselves scarce by doing something useful in the kitchen.

Or, summat like wot krimbles posted above.

CheerfulYank · 19/02/2013 23:21

You can't just insert "fact" into something and make it true. Fact.

AnyFucker · 19/02/2013 23:21

Or perhaps Op should dress and act like a "porn star" so he doesn't have to look elsewhere ? She isn't giving him enough blow jobs ? She should watch it with him, she might learn something ? Men need "release" or they get sexually aggressive and start attacking women in the street ?

Any other helpful shit you want to add, krim

krimbles · 19/02/2013 23:23

I do not know why you are mocking me. It is a very simple answer to the question. Should she be worried about him watching porn? Does it mean she is less of a woman? Does it mean she cannot please him? No to all.

Over analyse all you like. All men watch porn. And that is all there is to it. This is no failure by the op. If she accepts this, her worry is over.

krimbles · 19/02/2013 23:25

I think you are sick and a little uptight. Actually, let me remove the 'think' bit. You ARE. Fact.

If you don't like what I have to say, you do not have to respond to it. Move along.

LittleEdie · 19/02/2013 23:26

I don't think porn is what is causing the problems in your marriage.

CheerfulYank · 19/02/2013 23:26

All men do not do anything.

Besides eat, I suppose. And, you know, pee and poo.

CheerfulYank · 19/02/2013 23:27

FACT! :o

AnyFucker · 19/02/2013 23:34

Oh heck, I forgot "uptight"

Silly me.

< dabs bingo card >

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