Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Here we go again. Dating thread 42

999 replies

VoiceofUnreason · 16/02/2013 16:42

Evening all. As you were.

OP posts:
ike1 · 21/02/2013 09:36

That line is by Oscar Wilde apparently...

OhWesternWind · 21/02/2013 09:37

48 How really distressing to see your mum like that. No wonder you're having such a difficult time of it at the moment. It sounds like you had a good conversation with MrR&R. Hope he can take away some of the stress instead of adding to it, and also that things will carry on improving with your mum.

Poppy well what a bolt out of the blue! Like everyone else has said, it's nothing to do with you and how you are. And don't listen to your ex's voice either. You seem lovely, you really do, and you will find someone soon that is right for you. It is a let down and a disappointment though, and it does leave a gap in your life. Just be kind to yourself, take things easy for a couple of weeks, come on here and moan, have a good cry, whatever works for you.

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 10:34

Ike, re your ex and his holidays...should we measure success in terms of holidays anyway?
Aren't they more trouble than they're worth

is travelling really all it's cracked up to be..just to play the one upmanship game 'we went to '

or is it just me being unable to be arsed to go anywhere?

ike1 · 21/02/2013 10:42

Yeah I know I kinda share your opinion a bit. Merc...but I would quite fancy a trip to New York and Cuba, although personally I couldnt in all good conscience spend 10 days away from the kids through choice ...but then I didnt choose to have affairs and split up the family unit in search of a more self serving lifestyle either....so...dunno...

ike1 · 21/02/2013 10:47

It would be lovely to go away on hols with someone you love and throughly relax though dont you think, or am I being polyannaish?? Oh and have 'family' hols (he is taking the kids to Spain for 10 days with the OW) it is tough going on holidays with two little children on your own...and I do have some lovely (now painful) memories of family hols with the kids and exH. I do feel that potential has been stolen from me....

ike1 · 21/02/2013 10:48

The irony is we ha very little money for hols when together ...now he has had a promotion an the OW works full time holidays an cash are flowing...

ike1 · 21/02/2013 10:49

that effing dddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddddd

ike1 · 21/02/2013 10:59

I even had long term friends shun me in order to spend time with the exH and OW because it was preferrable to hanging out with a singleton (they I think found the end of a 16 year relationship too tough to witness and it was much easier to spend time with a happy couple). The kids now only have memories of spending time with the OW ex H and these friends and their kids, who they are very close to.

That was exquisitely painful. Really I think I dont believe in karma like WFF. You have to fake happiness in these situations until you make it. On that note I am off the the effing gym.. see you later folks.xxxx

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 11:03

Ike you're not being poly whatsit, I realise most people enjoy holiday, although I still suspect that they are often more stressful than people admit (??)

On the surface your ex may appear to have it all sewn up, but who knows what goes on behind closed doors?

I'm an inveterate loner and the thought of spending more than a couple of hours a day with other people makes me feel quite anxious

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 11:07

not saying I do or dont believe in 'karma' but as I understand it the effect operates over several lifetimes...so the fact that good things happen to bad people is irrelevant.
The idea is that if you do bad things in this life you will encounter situations in subsequent incarnations where you experience the consequences of those bad things

JulietteMontague · 21/02/2013 11:19

I firmly do not believe in Karma, otherwise really horrible things wouldn't happen to good people. I refuse to believe that, no one deserves to get really sick, have children die before them or any of the other things I've seen happen to good people.

Ike I get what you are saying about families, I only have an elderly mother who 'doesn't understand support' and DS. That's it. Not even cousins or distant relatives. It makes a lot of things much harder when bringing up a child and having a TV 'family' life (television not transsexual).

Poppy it is not you, it was him. Really.

JulietteMontague · 21/02/2013 11:20

Crossed posts there Mercury

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 11:23

I think most people completely misunderstand what karma is supposed to be about!

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 11:24

karma: the cosmic principle according to which each person is rewarded or punished in one incarnation according to that person's deeds in the previous incarnation.

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 11:26

not that want to spark off any kind of religious or theosophical debate...thats bound to end badly!

Scrazy · 21/02/2013 11:51

Is Karma different from the philosophy of 'what goes around come around'? i.e Karma is for the next life (if it exists).

I do get where you are coming from Ike with the holidays. I would try and put it out of your mind where the ex and his new woman are going. It's good that they will take your DC's as the DC's get a holiday. Hard to do I know.

I only had the one DC but the places we went to just the two of us are lasting memories for us both. Holidays were the one thing I spent money on rather than toys, electronics etc.

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 12:01

'what goes around comes around' is a saying, and people usually mean that you will reap what you sow in this life.

in religious systems which include reincarnation then karma is believed to operate over the span of more than one lifetime

Scrazy · 21/02/2013 12:22

I believe in you reap what you sow. It stands to reason that if you have treated people with good intentions then they should treat you the same eventually.

mercury7 · 21/02/2013 12:27

hmm, I dont think things are nearly that simple...lots of people will take advantage of someone's good nature, cheats and freeloaders DO prosper...provided most people tow the line!

Snapespeare · 21/02/2013 12:36

48 sorry to hear about your mum. Sending a hug.

We never had holidays, couldn't afford it while ex paid fuck-all maintenance because he wasn't working, but his gf had wads of cash and took them both everywhere. Envy I'd live a holiday... I enter tons of holiday competitions, just waiting for karma to strike... Wink Grin

No, no karma.... I like doing nice things because it makes me happy to see other people happy (so it's not entirely selfless!) not because there might be a payback in some mythical future life. :)

ike1 · 21/02/2013 12:49

Karma is my favourite perfume from LUSH though...just sayin' xxx

KinNora · 21/02/2013 12:49

48, I'm sorry that things didn't go well on Tuesday, there are very few things more upsetting than the distress of someone you love (and in fact if your mum was someone I was dealing with at work, I would have been upset too - it's one of the things that gets to me). Do you feel better for having articulated your feelings to Mr R&R ? He sounds like he really wants to provide you with some support, and does properly care for you.

Nomore, I'm glad your date went well, fingers crossed that the spark develops.

Poppy, you're bound to be upset, it's ok to be sad but the fact that it didn't work out is no reflection whatsoever on you, don't be allowing one man who can't recognise how great you are to dent your confidence.

Ike, the thing is that the holidays sound great but what's the reality ? For all you know they get there, have their first row because he was expecting her to have packed the aftersun/the travel adaptor/his pile ointment, he overdoes it on the booze, she flounces off leaving him the bar, they have another row in the morning because he's been snoring and farting all night. They go on an excursion she's booked but he's bored to death by so he sulks all the way through the day, then she doesn't feel like doing the doo at night because he's been such an arse. That's real life, we have a tendency to imagine that they've got some magical fantasy existence but it's just that, a fantasy.

Velvet, any news from Cuthbert Towers ?

Juliette, I'm glad you had a nice time with MM, perhaps things may develop from there.

Blowing a big theatrical kiss to everyone.

Had a shitty night last night, wallowing in self indulgent pity - no-one's ever going to want me again etc etc. Triggered in part by Talent Show telling me he's seeing some woman 18 years his junior, in part by my anxiety at the whole Weird Coincidence phone débâcle but mainly by having heard from Spud for the first time since July.

I'm thinking about going to see Mr Software for a weekend, in case a bit of action improves my mood. ( No, I don't fancy him but that's a mere detail )

OhWesternWind · 21/02/2013 12:58

I think as a very general principle that how you treat other people will come back to you. So, if you are a horrible person, like my ex, for example, it shouldn't really surprise you if you become estranged from your children, your mother and your sister, should it?

But . . . it doesn't really matter. It's being able to let go and get on with your life without comparing yourself to other people that is important. I must say that ex's situation makes me more sad than anything as I know that it has had much more impact on my dcs and his mother and sister than it will have had on him. It is easier for me though than for a lot of you as I don't have to see him at all and have him rubbing my nose in how well he's doing. I suspect that he has a lot more disposable income and a better lifestyle materially than I do, and that does make me envious as I struggle a lot with money at the moment, but I really, really try not to dwell on it as that way madness lies. Essentially, all it comes down to is I'd rather be me than be him, and my conscience lets me sleep peacefully at night, so that will have to be enough.

OhWesternWind · 21/02/2013 13:01

Nora horrible night-time gremlin thoughts. Have they melted away in the daylight at all? Bloody silly Talent Show and WCPhoneMan. It's hearing from Spud though, isn't it? What did he have to say?

And of course someone (several people) will want you. You're wonderful and witty and I look forward to reading your posts on here as you always make me laugh.

Scrazy · 21/02/2013 13:04

Kin, what did 'spud' have to say?