we have together since we were 25, now been married 7 years. we have 3 children, 6,4 and 2 years. tomorrow morning i am going to ask him to move out (his dad is local and they are very close). it is all so sad, i really hope i am doing the best thing for all of us.
the back story is that dh has always had a very emotional approach to money, characterised by extreme anxiety and constant worry about whether we have enough etc. this has frequently meant that he goes on and on talking repetitively about 'the credit card' (which we pay off in full each month). this can literally be repeated several times a day.
i have been a sahm since having our ds, but became a childminder in jan 2012 and make a significant contribution. i have also begun babysitting for an agency in the last 3 months and this has begun to pay well too.
he is always telling me to be careful with money, watch the heating etc.
we have separate accounts, he doesn't question exactly what i spend, just that i am not overspending. the amount i received from his salary halved a couple of months after i began earning.
two years ago we had debts of about £4,000. i asked my mum to help, which she did, and we were totally debt free. this did not noticably decrease his anxiety and attendant behaviours.
this year we are in debt again-almost £4.000, this time to the kids' savings accounts. i could not see why, as between us we take home over£3,000 a month. i thought it was me (because he always says so). in december i wrote down every penny i spent. i fritter a bit, but it isn't me.
he said it is 'the bills'.
i decided last weekend that i would suggest that i took over the'bills', that is, all the extras that aren't DD. this would be mostly car stuff, plus anything that needs replacing in the house etc. i thought that if he only had to manage his own spends he might be less anxious-and the current system clearly isn't working!
i started going through all his current account statements and our cc bills, so that i could work out a budget before suggesting this.
i found that he is spending in the region of £700 a month on non family/house/car stuff. in the first 3 months of 2012 he withdrew over £1,450 in cash from his current account. he very rarely uses cash when we are together. he doesn't seem to buy anything, he rarely goes out without me ()squash once a week, which is on cc).
he smokes, and drinks several cans at home several times a week, but these show up as card payments a lot.
he was not very sorry, claims my numbers are wrong, he overspends a little on fags and booze but mostly on family stuff or bailing me out (not true).
he is angry and upset that i 'attacked' him, i am emotionally abusive etc
he keeps hugging me, asking me if i am alright, he loves me, he 'is sorry i feel hurt' but he has 'always been transparent'. he has suggested marital councilling, as he feels that i hate him.
i don't hate him. i am inshock.i feel that he is not who i thought he was. he has spent in the region of £8,500 on himself (or on something) in the last 12 months, all the time grinding me down on a daily basis about our lack of money.
he will not think i am being fair.
i just want space, to adjust, to reassess who he is, who i am, if i still can trust and love him. and to feel in control of my own money for once.
is this ok? or am i being selfish?what about the children?
my whole world has been turned upside down.