He doesn't love me so it's over

[ArbitraryUsername]

(May be long)

This morning H decided not to go to work and come home instead to tell me that he wants to split up. Things haven't been perfect for a while (and he's certainly far from perfect), but I'm devastated.

Allegedly this is because I snapped at him a couple of days ago when he woke me up (after I'd gone to bed really early because I was ill) to complain that he couldn't live in this house because he could hear the neighbours laughing next door (they aren't unreasonably loud, and you can't hear any more than in most semis). I was exhausted and in a considerable amount of pain (I have a chronic illness and I'm signed off work at the moment) so I snapped at him that he could just move out then. For context, he's been going on and on about the noise since we moved in to this house and has worn my (and everyone else's) patience thin with this over the last 6 months. Apparently this made him decide that he couldn't be with me any more.

So having been really horrible to me for 2 days, he decided to end it. On further discussion it turns out that he doesn't love me (and probably never has) and I 'fill him with bitterness' (mostly because he doesn't agree with me not nitpicking and disciplining DS1, his step-son, over any little petty thing).

He also said that he'd hate for DS2 (his son) to turn out like DS1 (who is a lovely boy, whose doing really well at school and almost never gets into trouble but who is dyspraxic, and therefore disorganised and clumsy, and regularly forgets to hang his towel up after a shower. That may sound petty to you, but H thinks this is the biggest deal ever and is constantly nagging him about it and then having a go at me for not doing the same).

So, yes, it's over.

Despite this he keeps trying to cuddle me, offered to have sex with me 'to make me feel better' and stood in the doorway of the bathroom while I was getting undressed to have a bath with DS2 until I told him to go away and shut the door. I'm not sure why he thinks he's be getting any access to my body when he's just dumped me. He knows that I love him so I think he's just trying to take advantage.

We're going to have to stay in the house until we can sort things out. It's a complete nightmare logistically (partly because I completely stupidly have put myself in a vulnerable position). We live in the city in which H works but I have to commute 2 hours each way to another city. We did originally live where I worked but moved so H could get a job because I could commute (and he wouldn't).

I told him that I can't stay here and have to move either to the city where I work or to the city where I grew up (which much closer to my work and easy to commute from and where I'd have lots of family support) and that I will have to take the kids with me. He originally suggested that I could take DS1 and leave DS2 with him but that's not happening. He now agrees that it's best for everyone that the kids stay with me (and that it's completely unfair to penalise me for not being able to stay here as a lone parent because of sacrifices I've made to support his career), especially as H isn't going to stay in this city either.

I need to decide where to go and move by August. This is so that DS1 can start at his new school and so that DS2 doesn't have to start school down here and then go back to nursery after we move. He's an August birthday so is due to start here in September but won't start until August 2014 in Scotland. I guess. The sooner the better really, I suppose...

I'm not really able to cope with the logistics (or telling anyone in RL) right now though. I'm just wiped out.

I bet you're wiped out He's probably having an affair, you know.

But beside that - if you're worried about logistics have you spoken to a solicitor about divorce and finances?

So sorry to read about this. Just get through each day one at a time for now and don't make any major decisions, as you are bound to feel all over the place. It would be better all round if your H could move out and give you time and space to start coming to terms with this.

Keep posting on here, if it helps, as you will get lots of support. .

No. I haven't. I will though.

I don't think he's having an affair. I might be wrong. I'm not sure it matters really. Him not loving me is more than enough of an issue.

I'm so sorry :(

and can I just say, what a prick for trying to have sex with you after saying that. What is wrong with these men??

So sorry to hear this, hope your ok.

As for the logistics, you have u till August so you don't have to make any decisions now!

Take care of you and your SCs, and quite rightly, tell him to sod off if he's asking for anything your not happy with

I don't think he's having an affair

Sorry, I don't want to harp on but people don't often fall out of love with people because they got snapped at once and the neighbours are noisy. Just be prepared for this to get a lot worse, these things kinda always seem to.

Do get your ducks in a row. Know where you stand with the house and the finances. Don't assume it'll be civilised when money discussions start.

Be good to yourself too

I think he actually though it would make me feel better. He did apologise and admit that it was a bloody stupid idea. I've made it clear that there will be no more sex ever.

Don't wait until August! That's only six months away!

The money discussion don't scare me. I earn more than enough to support us and I actually don't care what I get from the house (whatever it is will be a bonus). Our pensions are equal, there are no debts other than the mortgage and we have equity in the house that should be split 50-50. We own as tenants in common (which was to ensure that DS1 is never disinherited) and both want to sell. Other than that, we don't own much. The car is worth very little.

He said he doesn't think he's capable of romantic love or that he's ever been in love with anyone. I'm inclined to believe him. It won't change anything if I'm wrong and he's having an affair.

It's all just sad.

I need to be actually moved by August. I'll start organising things long before then.

Just not this week!

This week I am going to do nothing and let myself feel sad.

I dont think your husband has been having an affair, but good luck to you. Your kids sound great and I hope you have lots of support from friends and family.

I know how you are feeling, thought everything was fine on Friday, this Thursday will be leaving mine and DD's home and moving half way across the country, in shock is an understatement.

So did the new job coincide with moving to the noisy house and when things started to go wrong between you?

If so, likely to be an affair with a new work colleague.

If you can achieve it, aim to live separately as soon as possible because it will do your head in living alongside someone who has checked out of the relationship. Poor you, I'm so sorry.

Sorry but my money's on an affair.

He has checked out of the marriage because his head has been turned by someone else. The fact that things have not been great between you both is a red flag as when someone has an affair, their behaviour at home changes. Has he been distant, grumpy, picking and provoking petty arguments? Is he possessive with his phone/laptop?

Re legal advice you need to see a solicitor and find out where you stand.

We've lived in this city (and H has been in his job) for nearly 3 years now. We moved to this new house in October and he instantly became fixated on the sound from next door. They're just a normal family and sometimes you can hear some of the house of daily living. Nothing exceptional. But he's become obsessed with it and has convinced himself that he's super-sensitive to noise. But he never noticed the (much noiser) neighbours in previous houses and used to live quite happily in noisy shared student flats (in studenty areas where you got noise from both inside and outside).

It's a lovely house. But he's determined to find fault with it. Just like he's determined to find fault in me (and everything I do) and in DS1 and in his job.
He dislikes his job because he doesn't think the university is prestigious enough for him. And he's annoyed that I both work at a far more 'prestigious' university and earn more than him. He wants to move to another university but has been limited by the need to stay in this city (both because I can't commute from any further away than this and because he claimed that he didn't want to disrupt the kids). Now he's going to apply for jobs at the other end of the country. He'll probably get one

I think he's determined not to be happy. Anything short of perfection (and everything falls short of perfection) and he utterly fixates on what isn't right and moans, complains and grumps.

He's been difficult to live with for a while, but has been getting worse recently. He'd like to be controlling (well not that he'd consciously like to, but that's what he tends towards) but it doesn't work because I'm not easily controlled. So he imagines that I'm being unreasonable for not doing exactly what he wants all the time. He's very selfish and manages to ignore all the things I (or anyone else) does for him, imagining himself as some kind of self-made man instead.

E.g. He talks about how he supported himself through university all alone, but his parents paid his rent and have him money every month on top of his student loan. And he's have ended up with a really significant re-write in his PhD if I hadn't spent about 3 months sitting with him helping him to edit it and teaching him to write clearly. It made no sense at all until I helped him and he came out with just a couple of typos to fix. Now, after years of me helping him he can write well on his own (although he still has to ask me to fix his grammar and punctuation). He is clever, but he refuses to see all the support that is there to enable him to succeed; all he's interested in is his own success.

The stupid thing is that I know this is probably for the best, but I'm still heartbroken.

And it's just such a logistical nightmare. I'd love to be able to stay here. The house is lovely, in a great area and I can easily afford the mortgage on my own. DS2 is happy in nursery and looking forward to starting school next year (and he won't be now). DS1 is settled and happy (and he was miserable where we lived before), he's finally getting the support he needs for his dyspraxia and he's doing really well at school. He came home last week so excited because he's been chosen as one of the two children in the school to compete in some kind of maths challenge. It breaks my heart to have to move him from somewhere he's thriving, but I just can't commute from here as a lone parent with no family support. It's completely impossible.

I've been a lone parent before and I know I can do it. It was actually easier than living with H in some ways (no one constantly complaining about the decisions I make or overruling them, much more relaxed relationship with DS1, etc). But I wanted my relationship to work. I earn a very good salary (and should get decent maintenance from H, who also earns a good salary) but it will be a return to something much more like getting by rather than being comfortable financially. I know that sounds ridiculous (especially when I know that many people on MN are in far worse financial situations than me), but I struggled for years as a lone parent with DS1 and I ally liked not having to worry too much about money any more. It'll never be like it was back then (on a PhD stipend in an expensive city) where I'd have to skip meals to feed DS and get my mum to buy me shopping. But it still isn't wonderful (especially as I'll now have another year of nursery fees to pay).

And I'm really annoyed at the timing. I'm really not well at the moment and signed off work. H knows that. But still he chose now for this. He could have done it when I was well enough to deal with it, but it feels like he waited until I was at my weakest.

He's moved into the spare room (which is actually my office for working at home in) and is sleeping on a really crap sofa bed. Obviously I'm not giving up my bedroom. I'm going to take my stuff out of there and put it in the bedroom and move his stuff in there at some point, when I feel up to it.

Havent got time to read al of this now.

But I am going to disagree with others.

It is quite easy for a man to say " I dont love you, and never have" when they are in the middle of an argument.
They can mean it in the heat of an argument.
But often dont quite mean it the next day.
And the day after that, it can, in some cases, be almost forgotten by the man.
And they dont seem to realise how meaningful it is to the woman, and how hurt a woman is by this.
[For all I know it can happen the other way round with the sexes, but I have never heard it]

From his behaviour, in this instance, I think he meant it at the time, but may not mean it now.

I will read the thread in more detail later today.

He's not possessive of his phone. He left it on my bed this morning while he went for a shower. It's not password protected. I could have looked through his texts, emails and Facebook if I'd wanted to, but I watched cbeebies on the iPad with DS2 instead.

I really don't think it's an affair. I think it's that the reality of everyday life cannot ever measure up to what he thinks he deserves.

He'll get a job at a prestigious university and it still won't be enough. Nothing will ever be enough for him. He's determined to have everything his own way and yet still be miserable because he thinks it should be somehow better.

He kept talking about how he was happy when he first met me. This is the point where he didn't have to see me living in everyday life. I could visit him where he lived and just do fun stuff, or he could visit me for a weekend when all the daily drudgery could be suspended. However, the reality of life fell far short of his imagined utopia, what with housework, looking after kids, ensuring homework is done, ensuring everyone is fed adequately, that the shopping is done, that bills are paid, where your wife is utterly exhausted because she has a clingy baby who breastfed all the time and wouldn't let her put him down (or even sleep without holding him), where your exhausted wife who had to go back to work FT as soon as her properly paid occupational mat leave ended (because she was the sole earner at the time, supporting everyone) doesn't really fancy sex because she never has a second to herself and will be up all night with the baby again, where your wife is diagnosed with an extremely painful lifelong condition that often leaves her exhausted, etc, etc.

Your DSs will be fine - I'm sure once you are living somewhere where there isnt a 2 hour commute things will be an awful lot easier. Change is always difficult but you have found support for the dyspraxia once - you can do it again. I would say move to where you have the family support - it will be a life saver.

Sorry to hear about DH - as you say he is determined not to let himself be happy - but best for you and DCs not to have to be constantly dragged down by that. I'm sure your life will be so much more relaxed once you are in a house of your own choosing, able to make your own decisions without treading on eggshells and having to argue your case every time, and with family near. And being close to work makes a helluva difference.

Change is hard and so is rejection but it honestly doesnt sound like its worth trying to salvage the situation - its all about him isnt it. Take time to be sad and then take control.

Thanks for the extra information - I am now not so sure its an affair. He does possess traits that make him very vulnerable to one though e.g selfishness, dissatisfaction with his life, sense of entitlement and arrogance.

Was prompted you all to move in October?

*what not was

The thing is, he didn't say it in the heat of the moment or in the context or an argument. It was a completely calm and rational discussion. He eventually came round to a position of saying that he does care about me but he wouldn't call it love. I'm pretty certain he does mean it.

I honestly don't know if he's actually capable of loving anyone. He'd have to take his head out his arse and see all the things people do for him because they love him, but he doesn't seem to be capable of this.

He says that I never show him I love him, but it's nonsense. I go out of my way to make good food that he likes (and put up with his restrictive list of fussy requirements), I put him first far too often, I do all sorts of things to try to make him happy, i tell him i love him, i hug him, i sew up the holes in his fucking shirts (because he 'doesn't know how to do it') but he seems to be completely blind to all that. He just cannot recognise love.

E.g. At Christmas I got him a present and did him a stocking full of thoughtful gifts that he loved (just as I did the same for the kids). It took me ages and I really thought about him and what he's like. I've done this every single year since we met. However, he got me nothing at all. If I hadn't taken DS1 out so he could choose a present for me, I'd've had nothing to open on Christmas Day. H claimed that he didn't know I would get him something (even though I have done this every year, but it clearly has never registered with him) and that he was too busy with work to get me a present. I have a FT job too, but I managed to do everything so that we could have a great Christmas. All he did was whinge about how much money I spent (it wasn't even extravagant and well within our means), complain that I made him come with us to choose a tree (because I can't carry one due to my health issues) and turn up to open presents and eat delicious home made food. But somehow, all the effort I put in seems invisible or inconsequential to him and, therefore, I never show him love.

He sounds awful to live with so based on his behaviour you would be more than entitled to end the marriage.

Yes Katisha, you're right. There is nothing to salvage here. I am just planning to be sad and take control. It will be easier once everything is sorted.

If I move to where I have family, I'll still have a bit of a commute. About an hour. But I could have a commute like that within the city anyway. I used to have to take the bus to university, which took at least an hour each day, when I was an undergraduate and I managed (because I had family support).

The dyspraxia support worries me because it's taken 6 or so years to get to this point and we're still waiting for an OT referral. I think I'll speak to Ds1's dad (who is a good guy) and he'll probably pay for a private OT instead. Also my mum is a teacher who specialises in additional support needs so I can get he to help more, and even to fight our corner with the school.

I'm more worried about having to move education systems again. It was horrific the last time. He went from P3 to Y3 but the school made no concessions for the fact that he'd come from a different system and was really going up a year. It really destroyed his confidence (as did the bullying for being Scottish and total lack of support for his SN, bordering on bullying by one of his teachers). He's finally settled and gaining some confidence so it feels awful to move him. Hopefully, it'll be less brutal to move the other way. He'll be just finishing Y8 and going in to, I think, S2 so he won't have started working towards exams or anything yet.

I know this has only just happened but maybe it would help with your peace of mind if you got started on the private referral idea - you wouldnt have to tell his father exactly why yet? Definitely sounds like this move is going the right way for DS and at the best time in the circs.
WIll your family be supportive once you find the strength to tell them what is happening?