He doesn't love me so it's over

[ArbitraryUsername]

(May be long)

This morning H decided not to go to work and come home instead to tell me that he wants to split up. Things haven't been perfect for a while (and he's certainly far from perfect), but I'm devastated.

Allegedly this is because I snapped at him a couple of days ago when he woke me up (after I'd gone to bed really early because I was ill) to complain that he couldn't live in this house because he could hear the neighbours laughing next door (they aren't unreasonably loud, and you can't hear any more than in most semis). I was exhausted and in a considerable amount of pain (I have a chronic illness and I'm signed off work at the moment) so I snapped at him that he could just move out then. For context, he's been going on and on about the noise since we moved in to this house and has worn my (and everyone else's) patience thin with this over the last 6 months. Apparently this made him decide that he couldn't be with me any more.

So having been really horrible to me for 2 days, he decided to end it. On further discussion it turns out that he doesn't love me (and probably never has) and I 'fill him with bitterness' (mostly because he doesn't agree with me not nitpicking and disciplining DS1, his step-son, over any little petty thing).

He also said that he'd hate for DS2 (his son) to turn out like DS1 (who is a lovely boy, whose doing really well at school and almost never gets into trouble but who is dyspraxic, and therefore disorganised and clumsy, and regularly forgets to hang his towel up after a shower. That may sound petty to you, but H thinks this is the biggest deal ever and is constantly nagging him about it and then having a go at me for not doing the same).

So, yes, it's over.

Despite this he keeps trying to cuddle me, offered to have sex with me 'to make me feel better' and stood in the doorway of the bathroom while I was getting undressed to have a bath with DS2 until I told him to go away and shut the door. I'm not sure why he thinks he's be getting any access to my body when he's just dumped me. He knows that I love him so I think he's just trying to take advantage.

We're going to have to stay in the house until we can sort things out. It's a complete nightmare logistically (partly because I completely stupidly have put myself in a vulnerable position). We live in the city in which H works but I have to commute 2 hours each way to another city. We did originally live where I worked but moved so H could get a job because I could commute (and he wouldn't).

I told him that I can't stay here and have to move either to the city where I work or to the city where I grew up (which much closer to my work and easy to commute from and where I'd have lots of family support) and that I will have to take the kids with me. He originally suggested that I could take DS1 and leave DS2 with him but that's not happening. He now agrees that it's best for everyone that the kids stay with me (and that it's completely unfair to penalise me for not being able to stay here as a lone parent because of sacrifices I've made to support his career), especially as H isn't going to stay in this city either.

I need to decide where to go and move by August. This is so that DS1 can start at his new school and so that DS2 doesn't have to start school down here and then go back to nursery after we move. He's an August birthday so is due to start here in September but won't start until August 2014 in Scotland. I guess. The sooner the better really, I suppose...

I'm not really able to cope with the logistics (or telling anyone in RL) right now though. I'm just wiped out.

Christ on a bike! You are well out of this. Your poor ds , I have a child with dyspraxia too.

Take your dc and run, in a few months you will be grateful every day that your H Did this and you will be flabbergasted that you stood it for so long.

Arbitrary, you are clearly such a fantastically intelligent, insightful, capable, strong, articulate, sensible woman. You can see this situation very, very clearly which is the best start.

There is everything to play for, in my book.

Illness makes it terribly, terribly hard so if money is not particularly an issue, make sure you pay for help with alllll sorts of heavy lifting/packing/insurance/sorting/etc. Like maybe you should see if someone could act as a private PA for a while? And get a complete removals package, etc. Your DH may not be much help as it will be messy/imperfect.

Well my brilliant lunch and dress buying plans were scuppered. H came to yoga too (the class is in the sports centre at his university). Afterwards he asked me to go for lunch with him and talk. I'd've said no but it's snowing and he said he'd give me a lift home. I really am not up to trudging through the snow.

It is most defintely over. I know it. And I know it's for the best. H has apparently been worrying about my plans and wanted to suggest a possible solution. He said that he will sign the house over to me completely (I can pay the rest of the mortgage on my own without any problem) so that the boys don't have to be disrupted, so long as we can figure something out so I can get to work. He is definitely leaving once he gets a job. He might even be thinking of going abroad (I know he has some ridiculous idea that his life would be perfect in the USA; he'll inevitably be disappointed), because he kept saying that there's an international airport 10 minutes from the house so he'll be able to come back and visit DS2.

I think, in the short to medium term at least, it might be a good idea. I have no idea how to work out the logistics for when I have to be in work (usually once a week, but it's a long day). I'll have to think about it a bit. It might involve a nanny for one day a week, or perhaps calling on some support from DS1's dad (who has always been amazingly accommodating and might jump at the chance of weekly contact with DS1. He used to come and stay when DS1 and I originally moved far away (I got a spare room for that purpose) and he used to see him one day a week before that even though it was about an hour's drive for it. He doesn't work on the relevant day (and he could do his work from here if necessary. We have a spare room too, so he might be up for it. We'll have to see).

The main reason I think it's a good idea is that the house being solely mine gives the kids and I some stability and allows me more leeway in deciding where I want to go and when. It also gives me more money, as we don't have to split the equity. It doesn't necessarily mean I have to stay here, but it would give me choice. Also, it might help the kids to adjust if they get to stay in their house (which they both adore). Then I can decide what I want in my own good time and make better decisions from a more sound financial position. It also means that i won't have to rely too much on my mother (who will be generous, but it won't be straightforward and I'd rather have as much independence as possible). And I do love this house.

I think H's feeling guilty about it all. He knows that it's his fault that the situation is so difficult (in the logistical sense). And I think he wants to keep p an image of himself as the good guy. He's afraid people will think he abandoned us and he can't cope with that. I strongly suspect that MIL has been advising him too. She's a good woman and she would be utterly ashamed of him if he didn't leave us in a decent situation.

I think the thing to do is to see a solicitor about all this next week and get things moving (before he has a chance to change his mind or get all arsey).

Now I'm all tucked up in bed warming up with the heating on watching the snow fall outside. I'll get a new dress and have my lunch to myself tomorrow (after I go to another yoga class, which I've asked H not to attend). Hopefully it'll have stopped snowing by then.

I feel loads better for having started this thread. It's really helped me to see that this is probably the best thing for me and the children. We can be happy and have great lives, and it can all be much less stressful and more fun than it is right now. It'll take a bit of time to get used to it, but we will be OK.

Glad things are looking up - best of luck.

Thanks. There's still logistical obstacles but there will be a way. There's always a way. There just has to be.

On the train into town I was thinking about all the stuff I will be able to do as a lone parent. There are plenty of positives. I can let the kids decide what they want to wear and how they want their hair. We can go to the park or the beach in the rain if we want to. Or go out in the sun without anyone panicking ridiculously about sunburn and insisting everyone stays in the shade at all times. We can eat Chinese take away (which H doesn't like) and have spare ribs (which he dislikes even more because they have bones in them). We can have lazy Sundays where we don't get dressed and camp out in the living room together watching films, just because we want to. I can buy patterned curtains and paint every room in the house some variation on blue/grey/green without anyone complaining (the kids already chose to paint their's blue and green). I can buy mis-matched furniture. I can stretch out in bed as much as I like (although I'll have to wear nice fluffy pyjamas as I'd forgotten how much colder it is when it's just you in a big bed).

And I'll have plenty of time to think of plenty more positives.

Would your finances stretch to an au pair if your ex couldn't help out?

You are sounding very positive now, keep these thought coming. Life will certainly be less stressful

I don't know. I'm not certain I'd like having an au pair either (after this I think it would be best just me and the boys in the house). But it could be a possibility. I'll add it to the list of ideas.

I, uh, take back my 'affair' comment, soz

Good luck OP

Hope everything works out fine, ArbitraryUsername

I've had a pretty horrible evening, but it's probably been useful. I spoke to H and I think he actually listened to me (for the first time in years). He has actually accepted that he has been utterly horrible to me for years now and that he's never recognised anything I (or anyone else) does for him. And also that he has become unrelentingly negative and actually sabotages everything so as to extract the minimum joy from life.

It doesn't change anything. But it's useful to have been heard and not dismissed. Everything I said was absolutely true. I told H that he should see the GP (as he may well be depressed) and probably go for counselling. Not in some attempt to salvage this. It's way beyond that point now. But so that he can actually be happy at some point, and so that he will never treat DS2 the way he treats me and DS1 (and his parents, to some extent). As it is, he's just going to be disappointed that DS2 will become stroppy and difficult and never listen and answer back and make his own decisions and mistakes as he gets older. And then H'll probably be horrible to him.

I was doing so well all afternoon, but ended up really teary and upset this evening. I think I'm just mourning for what I wanted things to be, rather than everything else. I had been looking into logistics a bit but it's too early for that. I need time to just be sad first.

There were good times. And H wasn't always so awful. Thinking back, there were lovely times. I can remember when he asked me to marry him. He did love me then, and he really did want to marry me. But somewhere in the last 5 years he got lost and became utterly negative and horrible. I feel really sad that this is where we've ended up. We could have been happy, but we can never be now.

I also made the mistake of opening the 'worst things about being a lone parent' thread (which I have now hidden). It was a really stupid thing to do and I don't really know why I did it. All the posts about missing companionship in the evening after the kids are in bed just really got to me. Companionship in the evenings (in the form of curling up on the couch talking about all the stuff we have in common and watching utter crap on tv) is one of the things that this relationship has actually provided. Or it used to, mostly.

I need to stop doing silly things like that, at least until I am OK enough to not mind or even find it a useful and interesting discussion. I will get there, but not for a little while.

You are a strong woman. And bright. And quite self aware.
I think you will sort things out ok, but agree about the needing to take things one step at a time.

Did he say he sabotages, or did you?
Asking for partly my own curiosity. I knew someone who sabotaged, a younger person, but could never quite figure out why.

One other point. Do you think his ego is bruised by your achievements?

I think we both said it. He listened to what I had to say and thought about it. Then he explained back. He says he can understand that he sabotages but that he doesn't really feel it. In fact, at the time, he thinks he's being positive. He has no idea why he does it. This is why I told him he has to go for counselling. Not for me, but for him.

He also admitted that he shows no interest in me, unless it's something he thinks will affect him. So he'll ask about my work but not because he cares how or what I'm doing; he does it because he wants to make sure I won't lose my job because that would mean we had less money. And he's only been interested in my being signed off work at the moment because he was worried that I would not be paid, that I would have to retire due to ill-health (which is a ridiculous assumption to make when someone is signed off for 2 weeks, which is what it was at that point), or that it will otherwise put my job (and the salary I bring in) in jeapordy. It's not normal to respond that way to your W being so ill that she has to be signed off work (and it was my boss's idea that I should be).

I think his ego is bruised by my achievements, but he's not aware of it. Trying to think properly about it, I think being with H has prevented me from achieving everything I could. I don't think he purposefully set out to do that, but it's what he's achieved. He has said (quite often) that I am cleverer than him. I don't know if it's true, but I know that I am certainly not unintelligent. I earn more than him and have a job at the kind of university he wants to work at (and I am good at it, sometimes brilliant). He would never admit it, but he is uncomfortable with that.

It's weird to think about this. Previous relationships have ended because I was demonstrably more successful or cleverer than the boyfriends at the time. I thought this one was different, but it isn't entirely. Why are so many men threatened by intelligent, successful and capable women?

I think this is more about him than you. Those insecurities would still be there if he was with a less capable and achieving woman. They might just manifest themselves in a different way. With you, he resents you for achieving more than him but enjoys the financial security that provides. With a woman on little income and limited qualifications, he most probably resent her for not contributing more financially to the relationship. He would probably belittle her. Some people don't want to be pleased with their lot .... Even if they achieve every single thing they set out to do.

I think you're right. I hope, for his sake and DS2's, that he can change. It won't make much difference to me (other than through DS2) but I can't wish for anyone to live their life in such a negative and miserable way.

He's applying for some jobs today. One in London, one in Bristol, one in Wales. All very far away from anywhere the kids and I would be. I think he's trying to run away. But he can't run away from himself. He'll be just as unsatisfied and miserable wherever he goes (unless he gets help). He says he needs to break out of the negative cycles, but moving far away won't do that. It's a much harder task than that.

He'll achieve everything he thinks he wants and it will never be enough for him. It'll probably make him exactly the kind of academic that universities want to have, but it's unlikely to make him happy. That's just really sad.

On my part, I don't care if I am never the Most Important Person in my academic field - and I never will be, as I don't think my personality is suited to that and I'm not willing to make the sacrifices required for that. I just want to do my job well enough to feel satisfied and to be happy with my children. I don't need accolades; I need something more real than that (and I have it). And I want to let my children grow up to be who they want to be, and to celebrate them for that. They will make mistakes, but I want them to know that's OK.

I do need to work on my urge to put everyone else before myself. It's not easy. My childhood has conditioned me to do it, and this relationship (and previous ones) have built on that. I do it both at work and at home. I just need to learn to say 'no' to people and do what I need to do. I have, to some extent, learned to say 'no' to my mother. Ironically, it's H that has helped me to do that. He was utterly wonderful in standing up for me when DS2 was born and she tried to completely take over, although I realise that this may have been because it was for his benefit. Nonetheless, he has helped me in that way. I just need to apply it more generally.

I have been feeling a bit guilty about the house thing. Most of the money that went into the deposit was from his inheritance. I think H is trying to punish himself by signing everything over to me. If it weren't for the kids (and DS2 in particular), I wouldn't take more than is actually fair. But, if DS2 is going to hardly ever see his father, then it's even more important that he has a stable home.

My parents divorced (incredibly acrimoniously) when I was a teenager. They were both utterly awful about it (and saw me as the best weapon they could use). I'd never do that to my children. Strangely, the only useful thing that has come of all that is that I learned that I would always need to be able to take care of myself, no matter what. My dad screwed over my mum financially. Quite spectacularly: he purposefully ran a successful business into the ground so that my mum couldn't get any of the money from it, and so he could get half the house. And he never paid any maintenance, to the point of getting himself fired from jobs to avoid it. As a result, I've never felt like it would be safe to not work FT. I would have loved (and would love) to work PT and spend more time with the children, but that's not to be. But, at least, it means that I can support myself and the children no matter what.

I think that as a society,or perhaps as women, we vastly underestimate the size of a man's ego, and how it influences how a man lives and reacts.
[yes, I know, to whoever is reading this, a sweeping generalisation].

And yes, ego is important to some women.

Someone upthread mentioned narcissism. And I too am wondering if he has some of that.

Somehow, though, in all of this, he does seem to love you on some level. Maybe to the best of what he is able to achieve.
tbh, this is all a bit sad, for all concerned.

I do hope he does get some help, and will end up having a loving relationship with his son, and the rest of you.