He doesn't love me so it's over

[ArbitraryUsername]

(May be long)

This morning H decided not to go to work and come home instead to tell me that he wants to split up. Things haven't been perfect for a while (and he's certainly far from perfect), but I'm devastated.

Allegedly this is because I snapped at him a couple of days ago when he woke me up (after I'd gone to bed really early because I was ill) to complain that he couldn't live in this house because he could hear the neighbours laughing next door (they aren't unreasonably loud, and you can't hear any more than in most semis). I was exhausted and in a considerable amount of pain (I have a chronic illness and I'm signed off work at the moment) so I snapped at him that he could just move out then. For context, he's been going on and on about the noise since we moved in to this house and has worn my (and everyone else's) patience thin with this over the last 6 months. Apparently this made him decide that he couldn't be with me any more.

So having been really horrible to me for 2 days, he decided to end it. On further discussion it turns out that he doesn't love me (and probably never has) and I 'fill him with bitterness' (mostly because he doesn't agree with me not nitpicking and disciplining DS1, his step-son, over any little petty thing).

He also said that he'd hate for DS2 (his son) to turn out like DS1 (who is a lovely boy, whose doing really well at school and almost never gets into trouble but who is dyspraxic, and therefore disorganised and clumsy, and regularly forgets to hang his towel up after a shower. That may sound petty to you, but H thinks this is the biggest deal ever and is constantly nagging him about it and then having a go at me for not doing the same).

So, yes, it's over.

Despite this he keeps trying to cuddle me, offered to have sex with me 'to make me feel better' and stood in the doorway of the bathroom while I was getting undressed to have a bath with DS2 until I told him to go away and shut the door. I'm not sure why he thinks he's be getting any access to my body when he's just dumped me. He knows that I love him so I think he's just trying to take advantage.

We're going to have to stay in the house until we can sort things out. It's a complete nightmare logistically (partly because I completely stupidly have put myself in a vulnerable position). We live in the city in which H works but I have to commute 2 hours each way to another city. We did originally live where I worked but moved so H could get a job because I could commute (and he wouldn't).

I told him that I can't stay here and have to move either to the city where I work or to the city where I grew up (which much closer to my work and easy to commute from and where I'd have lots of family support) and that I will have to take the kids with me. He originally suggested that I could take DS1 and leave DS2 with him but that's not happening. He now agrees that it's best for everyone that the kids stay with me (and that it's completely unfair to penalise me for not being able to stay here as a lone parent because of sacrifices I've made to support his career), especially as H isn't going to stay in this city either.

I need to decide where to go and move by August. This is so that DS1 can start at his new school and so that DS2 doesn't have to start school down here and then go back to nursery after we move. He's an August birthday so is due to start here in September but won't start until August 2014 in Scotland. I guess. The sooner the better really, I suppose...

I'm not really able to cope with the logistics (or telling anyone in RL) right now though. I'm just wiped out.

Mad about: we moved because we bought a house. We'd rented for years and he'd always complained about it. So we bought a lovely 4 bed semi in a great area of this city (close to Ds1's school). We've done lots of work on it and it is really nice now. A beautiful new kitchen, new flooring, almost completely finished redecorating, we were going to replace the bathroom in the summer. It is a genuinely lovely house.

But since we moved in he's been determined to find fault with it. When he's not complaining about the noise (which seriously is not an issue; the neighbours are no noisier than his parents' neighbours and he's always said how great their house is), he's complaining that it's not in the right area.

We live in what is considered to be the 'posh' area of the city. Whenever tradesmen come round they always comment on what a lovely house in a great area it is. But it's a big area with different parts to it, some of which are extremely expensive and others are just not cheap, especially for this part of the country. We live in one of the not cheap areas (although house prices here will sound positively bargainous to those in the SE: our 4 bed semi was £220k). The houses in the expensive area are more than double to four times that amount. Property in this part is only cheaper because of the snob factor. You can walk to a (really nice, mostly bought houses, but actually lovely) council estate from here; whereas in the expensive bits you'd never know there were such things, iyswim. But then we'd be paying through the nose for a terraced house with no off road parking and no garden to speak of (whereas we have a lovely, safe, enclosed garden and a big driveway here).

Lots of the children at DS2's nursery live in the big expensive houses near the nursery. So DH has become fixated on us living in a 'poor' area and needing to live in the fancier bit. I have told him I'll take him to drive around the (many) genuinely deprived areas of this city and show him that we are very lucky to live in an incredibly desirable area. It's so frustrating.

The one thing I would do is tell him the things you do do for him that show you care.
He almost definitely will not have "seen" them. Or may not genuinely realise what you are doing for him.

He does sound like a perfectionist, and nothing will ever be good enough for him.
Does he realise that about himself?

He actually sounds very insecure.
What was his childhood like?

I am not sure from your posts whether you now want to stay with him or not?
Assuming that is still an option.

My family will be kind of supportive.

My mother is... Difficult. She will help but there are always some kind of strings attached. But she does love the kids and will adore being able to see them more regularly (she's 2.5 hours drive away now).

I haven't had contact with my father in over a decade (because he's an abusive prick). But that's no problem.

DS1's dad will be around and will help out. He is still a good friend and just wants DS1 to be happy. He won't be difficult or controlling or anything; he'll just help out when I need him to and do fun stuff with DS1. He'll help out with DS2 too, because he's a nice guy. (We split up at 19 just after having DS1 because we realised that we were ally just friends, but it's always been totally fine between us). DS1's grandparents will also be about, so they can see more of him too.

And I grew up there so I should be able to catch up with old school/university friends, most of whom are still in the area.

The more I read about him, the more I think he sounds like a narcissist - he really think he should have the very best of everything doesn't he.

Unfortunately with them, if you value your sanity, your only option is to seperate

I don't think he's having an affair. I think he's one of those knobbers who hold the "I am leaving" card over their OH's heads in order to keep everyone dancing round all scared and anxious to please. In other words a bit of a bully. Hence the hovering around offering to shag the OP.

I think you should take him VERY seriously about this. Do NOT allow him to back track. If you really love him and want to stay with him though I honestly don't know why then you should give him a good fright that he have pushed you too far, get things a bit more evenly weighted in your favour.

OR my preferred option thank your lucky stars he's given you an out and run for the hills.

He sounds AWFUL!

I think he's have to change enormously for me to be able to stay with him. I'd love it to work, but I'm not sure it can.

He is a perfectionist in some things. He's not a perfectionist when he's doing the hoovering without first moving the things off the floor (he just hovers round toys and such like), or when he's only half cleaned the kitchen, etc. Yet he sees himself as incredibly clean and tidy (he is not).

He certainly doesn't realise that his expectations are totally unrealistic. And he becomes fixated on some petty detail and ignores the whole. E.g. The towel thing with DS1. DS1 is a lovely boy. He's kind, caring, sweet, well behaved (he's wonderful with DS2 and other small children, and really enjoys thinking up games and helping him with stuff) but he is also 12 so he's stroppy, hormonal and unreasonable sometimes. But H is determined to only see the negatives and has become utterly fixated on the towel issue. DS1 genuinely doesn't remember to hang it up on the radiator (and he will do it if I remember to ask him, because I ask him nicely). But H gets angry about it and then has a go at me for being some dreadful mother who neglects her son because I'm really not all that worried about a damp towel. I tried to point out that DS1 will only learn to do it, and want to do it, once he gets fed up with his towel not been properly dry. It gets washed regularly, so it's hardly a hygiene issue. But H is convinced that it's akin to rubbing DS1's skin with agents if biological warfare.

His childhood was good. His parents are lovely and very stable. They've been reasonably comfortably off for years and they've given their children plenty of support. I'm sure it wasn't perfect, but it wasn't crap (mine certainly was).

He is insecure. I think he struggle at bit at school. They had written him off as thick but he surprised them by passing his GCSEs so he could go on to do a levels then to university and now he's got a PhD and is a university lecturer. He is very clever, but he's probably dyslexic (hence all the grammar, punctuation and general language issues). MIL says that he's become so much more confident from being with me. She knows that I look after him and both PILs have commented to me that they know he would never have gotten his PhD and to where he is without me (which sounds arrogant, but it's true). They don't say it to him because they know he'll never listen.

Apparently he was an incredibly difficult child. People used to look at the PILs with pity when they realised that they were H's parents. He is still difficult and selfish and his parents recognise this. MIL is impressed that I can put up with him; she can't. We has to limit visits because he drives her mad and she can't cope with him. She loves him, but he is not easy. Last time she came to visit she ended up giving him a really stern telling off. She was flying up here and FIL, who was staying with us to do work on the house, went to pick her up. At the same time I took DS1 into town to go to a birthday party (using public transport).

Apparently when MIL arrived one of the first things H said to her was 'so are you taking us out to lunch then?'. MIL recently retired and money is now quite tight for the PILs (to the extent that FIL has to charge us something for the work he's doing because he has to take time off work - he's a handyman - even though he doesn't want to). She was livid. I phoned DH to say that I was coming home and he got stroppy with me (he seemed to be annoyed that I'd taken DH to his friend's birthday party). He said they were knowing out for lunch and I got quite angry because it left me with no keys and no way to get not the house (H knew that FIL had my keys). So he reluctantly came to pick me up so I could go for lunch.

It was a bloody debacle, but fairly typical of what living with H is like.

Like PP's, I think he's just trying to manipulate you and he'll get a nasty shock when you're prepared to call his bluff. And, honestly, you sound well rid too although it might feel horrid now. I dated a guy like that ages ago ... He did my head in so much that I started to feel sick whenever I was going to see him. Being a teenager 'in lurve' I didn't understand, as I would now, that this was a bad sign. I thought it was nerves because I liked him so much. Anyway, one day he rang me with the whole " it's not you, it's me","let's be friends" etc and I said "Yes, I think you're right". As soon as I said it, it was like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. There was a pause for about five seconds and then he asked "Are you sure?" . I think he'd expected that I would cry and beg him to 'stay'.

Sounds like very hard work for little reward ArbitartUsername. I honestly think your life would be so much easier without him around.
You have done your best and the failure is not yours. I think you will be surprised how much support will come your way from friends and family as they seem to know just how much hard work he is

Not sure what to say tbh.
Normally, in these cricumstances, it is the op who wants to get away.

He sooo does not realise how good is life is compared to what it could be like. But from the sounds of it, he is never going to count his blessings.

What happens when you put your foot down about things?
Does he give in at all?

I am wondering, if you want to, if you were to say that "no you were not moving out, and we are going to stay together", what he would do then?

You are almost certainly all right. I do know that. But I am really sad (and I suppose I don't want this to be the way things are). I can't make him be a different person. Obviously, he can be lovely sometimes but that's not enough and doesn't make up everything else.

I think that being with H has destroyed my confidence. I was really brilliant before I met him. Really going somewhere. But now I'm plagued by self doubt and never really sure that I'm capable.

I posted a thread a while ago about H's attempts to be controlling (he's really shitty with the finances, as well as other stuff). Lots of people told me that I had gone from a grade A abusive family to a grade C abuser but couldn't recognise it because of my childhood. They're probably right. I just didn't want them to be. I thought I was better at spotting signs than I was (I did manage to run a mile from a weird, clingy new boyfriend who got ridiculously jealous and angry when I went out to a club with friends rather than going home with him and then kept turning up at my flat wanting me to let him in. That would obviously have been a total disaster).

I was really upset yesterday because it seems that no one loves me (except the kids). It felt like there must be something wrong with me because the people that should just don't seem to love me (my parents don't, H doesn't). But this thread has been very useful in helping me to understand that it isn't me that's the problem. It's the other people who aren't capable of love. I've just been choosing/surrounded by the wrong people. Maybe once I've got things sorted I'll go for some counselling and sort all this out.

I don't think he can change. Sounds like elements of personality disorders in there and that he wont recognise that he needs to change nor want to. (I have been reading about obsessive-compulsive personality disorder lately...NOT the same as OCD. But it explains a lot about a controlling family member who isnt able to unbend or let themselves relax)

So the upshot is, do you want to stick with it, knowing that he will probably just get worse and more entrenched as he gets older, or do you call it a day now. I think as he has decided it's over anyway you cut your losses, greive for a while for the life you thought you were going to have but never actually had and never will get and then move onwards and upwards. To be honest I think in time you will see this as release, even though the practical details seems mountainous at the moment.

Sorry x-post. Let's spell that grieve...
And yes, it sounds right that you are attracted to a certain type because of your understanding of how people are from childhood. I think some counselling to reorient your compass, as it were, would be a good thing in the fullness of time.

Firstly, the kove sounds like a great idea. You'll need the support, not least with your health issues. Being closer to his real Father who won't constantly criticise him will be great for your Ds1.

The move the Scottish system could work out really well. I do think summer born boys do better with a later start, and starting full time school a few weeks past your 4th birthday really is very young.

Unfortunately, I think the PILs are the only people who actually know how difficult H is. And BIL (but I don't really know him as he lives at the other end of the country and H and him aren't close). No one else really knows.

I don't know what would happen if I said that we were going to make it work. I don't think it would make any difference. Last night, after putting DS2 to bed, he asked if I would be willing to sell this house and move (with him) to another house in this city. I told him it wouldn't make a difference because he was only suggesting it because he doesn't want to stop living with DS2. He'll never love me (certainly not properly) and doesn't want to be with me, so it would make no difference. He doesn't want to be happy; he's just find some fault(s) to fixate on no matter where we lived, where he worked, etc.

We argue when I put my foot down. He claims that I never compromise but that's only because I don't make an enormous fuss about it. I compromise all the time, just quietly doing things his way not mine. Often little things. E.g. We don't eat any meat with bones in it because he doesn't like it, even though the rest of us love it. Same with shellfish. Or we are never allowed to eat in the living room because H has decreed that food must be eaten in the kitchen, so we can't do fun, lazy picnic teas while watching a film at the weekend (something DS1 and I used to love doing together). But then something will come along where I'm not willing to compromise so I have to fight for it. It might be something big (e.g. Insisting that we bought a house where I could get to work without adding a hour to the commute) or quite petty (e.g. DS1 likes to have his hair long. He decided at 5 that he wanted to grow his hair. H is annoyed by this and is always going on about how he needs a hair cut and saying that I'm not allowed to 'force' DS2 to have long hair too, even though I never forced DS1; I just went with what he wanted. I suspect this is because H used to have long hair but can't any more because he's going bald; if he can't have it, no one can). Then he accuses me of never compromising. The truth is, he never compromises unless I really make a huge fuss. But he can't see that.

We argue more because I've become less patient about all this and less willing to just give in and do things his way. And I am fed up of feeling like I have to defend DS1 or having H argue with DS1 as if they're both children. It's exhausting and H needs to grow up. Seriously, he'll tell tales about DS1 to me and will insist on calling DS1 a liar and getting the last word in an argument. It's like they're both 12.

I would leave him simply for the fact he seems to have no feelings, well postive ones, for your son at all!

Why should your child grow up knowing this man really, really doesn't seem to like him at all? No child deserves that.

Actually, H has had OCD tendencies since I met him. In my other thread, I was wondering how much of his obnoxious, controlling and difficult behaviour was due to that. But really it's a drop in the ocean and everyone on that thread was right: having OCD doesn't make it OK to be an arsehole. He could have OCPD, but there's no point in speculating. The issue is his behaviour, and I don't think he can (or wants to) change. He really does think he's in the right all the time.

The move to Scotland will probably be good for DS2. He would be fine starting school in September here, even though he's summer born. He's very bright and has been at nursery for years, so he shouldn't have any problems. But an extra year will certainly do him no harm. The Scottish system may be much better for DS1 too. It's more flexible in many ways and his primary education was certainly less brutal than his experience in England. He's bright and will be OK, but it is hard to switch systems. I'm hoping that since moving down was like going up a year, going back will put him ahead of where he's expected to be (he is in many subjects anyway, especially maths). It would be great for his confidence. And he'll be one of the older ones in the year (rather than one of the younger ones here), which might be easier for him too.

He'll love spending more time with his dad. ExP has his faults (one of which is tending towards the Disney dad phenomenon) but he is well meaning, laid back and not at all nasty. He absolutely accepts DS1 for who he is, and loves him for it (as do I).

They will both be fine. I can see that. It's just all the emotional turmoil and the awful logistics that have to come before that. And I feel bad that DS2 will have to be away for his dad (they'll still have contact, but hundreds of miles of distance make this difficult and H is too selfish to put himself out the way DS1's dad has since we've had to move away). But he will adjust. And he'll have a healthier home environment.

One advantage is that all this time away from my mother has changed the dynamic in our relationship. She's much less able to take over and try to control things. And I can stand up to her. The boundaries are there, so it can be a healthier relationship all round.

You are right astley. It's not always been so bad. H seems to be utterly unable to cope with DS1 growing up and all that comes with it. It was much better when he was little and H could teach him to ride bikes, etc. H doesn't seem to be able t grasp that it is not DS1's fault that he's clumsy and disorganised (he really does try). He's not holding his cutlery all wrong or buttoning his scout shirt up all skew-wiff on purpose; he can't help it. H just wants to 'fix' things and can't understand that some things aren't about 'fixing'.

I don't think he'll be any better when DS2 is older. He's only 3 right now, so he's cute and small and you can control the details of his life/laugh at the temper tantrums. But he'll grow up and will be as ridiculous as all children are and I don't think H would cope with that at all. Indeed, DS2 is much much more difficult, strong-willed and stubborn than DS1 ever was (he's always been quite a laid back child). I don't imagine he'll be easy when he's going through puberty.

He sounds worse every time you post the impact on poor DS1 must be terrible, he so needs to get away from this very fucked up man.

Yes. You are right. And he will.

I keep thinking about H saying that he doesn't want DS2 to end up like DS1. We'll be bloody lucky if DS2 is as lovely a 12 year old as DS1! How dare he say that. Despite my sadness, I think that's probably the point at which I knew there could be no going back.

I'm devastated. I think more at my own 'failure' than anything else. I think I need to grieve for what I wanted, rather than anything I actually had. I do love H, but it's not enough. And he doesn't deserve me my love (and my taking care of him, and boosting his confidence, etc). I bloody deserve someone who loves me. And failing that, I am more than capable of taking care of myself (and my children).

I've got up. Had a shower. Put on some clothes and make up (because I can't cry if I have mascara on!). I'm going to take a big pile of painkillers, go to yoga class, have something nice to eat in town, buy myself a new dress (because I never buy anything for myself) and then come home and rest. I'll be exhausted, but I need to do something for me.

And I'll proceed from there.

What with being ill and this, I've lost loads of weight. I am now quite skinny. H can look at me an realise (or not) what he's lost.

Note: for anyone who may be worried at the big pile of painkillers comment. I'm supposed to take them. My doctors have prescribed all different kinds and I'm supposed to take them together/throughout the day to manage really horrible pain. I'm not doing anything silly.

Go girl! Have a good day! Def get a dress and a nice lunch. You sound like you know exactly what's what and that the time has come for change. A day at a time and the plan for today sounds like a good launch.

From the sound of it you should also add a bottle of champagne to that list of stuff to buy. Celebrate the fact that you can offload this abusive bastard. He sounds as if he adds no joy whatsoever to your life or that of your children. Your ds1 will probably be doing cartwheels at the prospect of not having to put up with your husband anymore. Good luck, OP.

I am going to buy a dress that I like and not give any consideration whatsoever to whether he'll like it. Because it makes no difference what he thinks.

Why would it be anything to do with him, unless he also tries to control what you look like.