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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

New beginning. Dating thread 41

999 replies

lubeybooby · 11/02/2013 23:22

Dating chit chat here :)

OP posts:
ike1 · 13/02/2013 12:00

SS definitely talk to the university about the situation.

ike1 · 13/02/2013 12:01

NOBODY is out of my league ...sod that!

ike1 · 13/02/2013 12:03

OWW pwincess syndrome

Secretservice · 13/02/2013 12:12

Thank you all so much! But sympathy is rubbish - I'm in tears now!
But the tea and the secret hugs have definitely helped.

mercury part of the reason she needed to text me was because I have tried to take several steps back and let her deal with her own life. If I'd been in my previous full-on mum mode I'd have asked her how she was getting from A to B before she left!

She has apparently decided not to turn up anyway, although they told her they'd squeeze her into this afternoon's sessions. So that definitely isn't down to me, but the I feel responsible for having bought up such a feckless 19yo:(

I just want life to stop or at least throw up some good news for a change, it just seems to be on a downward, out of control spiral.

lulu I don't seem to have any choice in the matter. Can't sell house, or at least not and have enough equity left for a shed, haven't enough money to rent, unless I leave kids behind, he won't go. Thousands of pounds in debt. Aargh it just goes on and on

RC man is my OD bloke. He's really nice, I'm getting my regular sex in years and years, but his life's not great either - carer for his mum who has severe Alzheimer's :( I need to find some way of deciding if he takes more than he gives - basically is the Coffee enough [shame]

ike1 · 13/02/2013 12:15

Tell her to bloody go ...she has no choice ...she's up there now!!

Snapespeare · 13/02/2013 12:18

voice yes! message her! message her NOW! well, no. don't. carefully constructed, two or three sentences, light hearted - but asking a question about something on her profile. :-)

OWW I wouldn't worry too much. I certainly wouldn't contact her again. From the perspective of the 'female- friend-that-wanted-more-but-who-was-dumped-when-something-'better'-came-along'?I can possibly see where she might be coming from. Relationships change things. former-friends aren't as available and their position is altered. If that isn't handled tactfully then it can hurt and can cause jealousies nods. If you think it might clear the air to discuss with LM then I'd do what lulu suggested?. mention in passing, but no biggie.

Snapespeare · 13/02/2013 12:20

whoah! thread went mad.

"Oh right ok. No he's not said a word lol but he's a very private person so I guess it's his business"

yeah. she's been thinking about that reply for a while -- and she's trying to cast aspersion with the 'he's a private person' - read 'i know him better than you'.

I wouldn't bother talking to her at all. she's trying to mix it.

JulietteMontague · 13/02/2013 12:27

Secret I would also 'calmly' tell your DD that she is going, this is her chance and she is just going to go. No discussion of its up to her, blah. Anything else is not an option, you will see her after her interview.

(if she then chooses not to, so be it).

I would also just have your Coffee whilst you can, at least it's something for you.

Western I'd completely ignore any mention of LM, act like nothing is up at all Idon't like this woman. Snow sounds like the way to go!

JulietteMontague · 13/02/2013 12:29

Good, Snape said it. Ignore her that's what I really wanted to say but thought my possibly irrational dislike of her was getting in the way.

OhWesternWind · 13/02/2013 12:30

Yeah, took her fourteen hours to come up with that reply . . .

I'm not bothered - she's known him for years so I'm sure she knows all sorts of stuff about him that I don't. But I'm happy about being close to LM and that he tells me a lot of very, very private things, and that's all fine. My only concern is in case she tells him and it looks like it's me that is stirring things up, but all I've done is tell the truth when she asked me.

I have responded with something about the weather. Don't want to be rude as I am going to have a fair bit to do with this woman if things carry on with LM, so don't want to get off on the wrong foot. Chatty but non-committal kind of style I think. But I won't message her again unless she starts.

mercury7 · 13/02/2013 12:34

what Snape says re 'private person'
secret i hope i didnt sound like i was being critical of your parenting?
I have been a useless parent...just not cut out for it, really dont have a clue how they survived at all!

Secretservice · 13/02/2013 12:49

Not at all mercury! Although wouldnt have been the first if you were being critical!

Well she's determined not to go Another instance of my mothering backfiring I think. She's always been low on confidence, and I dug out some figures for her on how few people actually get on her course, and that as she's got interviews at all five if her ucas choices, she gas to start thinking she's good enough. This option was her fourth choice, I think maybe she's now over confident. Gah! Is there anywhere I can hand back my parenting licence before I screw up the younger two as well!

I will now go and read the rest of the thread, to see if there is anything I can advise on. I will steer clear of parenting tips!

lulubellaboozle · 13/02/2013 12:53

western, yep, she sounds a bit miffed now she's discovered she's not quite as close to him as she thought! polite, chatty and non-committal is the way to go!

er, Valentine Cheese?!? Smile

Secret I'm lucky my STBXH did leave, but he refused to go at first didn't have much choice after he was arrested for assault though and was threatened with a non-molestation orderHmm but I am in the same boat, house is on the market, bugger all equity once debts are paid and I don't earn enough to rent a suitable house, plus I need to house a large dog as well as me and 2 teenage kids. Oh and STBXH is now out of work, says he can't pay the mortgage anymore or help with any bills! I wonder when and why I ever ever thought he was any sort of catch?!

chin up, love we are all here for you

Scrazy · 13/02/2013 13:07

SS, I would tell her to go but as it's her 4th choice then perhaps all is not lost. I was curious as my DD's uni is interviewing today for her course.

OWW, you are handling it very well. It might be that she is worried the dynamics of their friendship might change.

ike1 · 13/02/2013 13:09

I do feel for you ladies ...I was very fortunate with the house and now own it outright. I have to admit I wake up most days and if pissed off remind myself how very fortunate I really am.

ike1 · 13/02/2013 13:11

However it is one of the reasons that I might not marry again because I would be very mindful not to put the kids' inheritance in jeopardy (see spanner in the works of romance...good at that)

Scrazy · 13/02/2013 13:17

Ike1, I've told mine not to expect much in the way of inheritance. I would like to downgrade to a little flat, and go spend the difference one fine day. DD told me to do it Grin.

Scrazy · 13/02/2013 13:20

Sorry, that sounds crass when people are struggling with where they live financially.

I don't understand the new rules re housing benefit but would that help to afford the rent on somewhere once the properties are sold.

ike1 · 13/02/2013 13:23

Having had financially tough times though Scrazy I now really appreciate the stability being comfortable can bring ...I would like to gift that to my kids one day. I do have a little set aside now for a bit of fun .....its finding the right person to have fun with thats the problem!!!

Snapespeare · 13/02/2013 13:24

SS I have broadly similar concerns with demotivated and restless DD who has no idea what she wants to do in life and is on verge of chucking her A levels. I've come to the conclusion after a lot of screaming that no matter what you do as a parent - you can attempt to install values and love them so very much and do all the very best mum-stuff that you can do...at the end of the day - and at their age, they have to be free to make their mistakes. All you can do is stand there is ten years time and say I told you so is keep on doing what you do and try to keep calm with it.

in other news, I went out at lunchtime and bought new underwear.

it is red.

yippee!

ike1 · 13/02/2013 13:27

Does it decently cover your bits Snape or thong like?

ike1 · 13/02/2013 13:28

I do have a favourite pair of very small lacy panties that I keep for 'special' occasions ....but they are NOT for comfort!

Snapespeare · 13/02/2013 13:32

it absolutely covers all bits imaginable. My stomach isn't my most attractive feature. I therefore believe in giant granny knickers and 40's retro underwear as much as is possible.

lulubellaboozle · 13/02/2013 13:37

Snape red is good! very alluring ......I too have special dating underwear, even after 6 months Mr EA thinks I always wear lovely matching sexy undies, he hasn't seen the grey "period" knickers or the fraying bra yet ..... softly, softly catchee monkey Grin

ike1 · 13/02/2013 13:37

Someone on here referenced a website with gorgeous bulesque style undies ..... expensive....but for the right person I definitely would splash out!!