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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH is sulking because I don't fancy sex tonight...

150 replies

AuntLucyInPeru · 09/02/2013 20:11

We basically had a crap day in the cold wrestling with the kids, followed (at the end of the day) by tea and Nanny McPhee.

He mentioned sex earlier and I said "prob not, I just can't feel sexy after a day of arguing with a 2yr old and 5yr old all day".

So he brings it up again just now by asking me to go and have a bath, and I said 'no thanks, I know the subtext, just don't fancy sex tonight'. So now he's throwing washing up around the kitchen furiously in a noisy fury.

Being able to say no to sex when you just don't want to is just how it bloody IS surely?

We have sex 1-2 times per week, work a 60hr week (both of us) and have children aged 2 & 5.

BTW He only wants sex if we both shower, I put new full make-up on and sexy underwear, high heels, scent etc.

I just can't be bothered tonight.

How do I handle the big strop Hmm ?

OP posts:
TurnipCake · 09/02/2013 21:13

Blimey OP, the description of your partner and his preferences is one of the most unsexy things I've ever read. As someone else said, his actions don't seem to match up with this 'lovely' guy picture you've painted of him.

Bakingnovice · 09/02/2013 21:15

Im still reeling from a whole hour of dtd.

kirstys23 · 09/02/2013 21:15

Have you ever had sex without having to shower first? Was this enforced when you first started dating?

WireCatWhore · 09/02/2013 21:15

Maybe it takes the op a while to warm up! Wink. Takes me a good 20 mins!

Original poster
AuntLucyInPeru · 09/02/2013 21:21

We do not get 'suddenly horny in bed'. Ever. With a 60hr working week, travelling away every weekend, and a badly-sleeping 2yr old, sex is the LAST thing on my mind when I finally make it to my pillow. What I am mostly thinking is, 'please let me get a couple of 3-4 hour uninterrupted chunks of sleep', and 'did I put a pen and paper by the bed to write down the urgent work stuff that will come to me in the small hours".

And to the 'what did I want from this thread?' question... Ummm ... I guess a bit of cheerful solidarity to assist me in ignoring the cacophony of sulks downstairs.

And reassurance that it is reasonable to say no to sex for for particular reason but that you don't want to (which I KNOW, but is nice to hear when there are two adults in the house and one of them is behaving like a child)

OP posts:
AlfalfaMum · 09/02/2013 21:23

Sorry, perhaps I was a tad unfair. I don't know what to advise really Confused

The problem is that your sex-life is all completely on his fucked-up terms. You need some equality, he has to accept that your wants are important too, whether you want a quickie for a change, or just a hug. Demanding use of your body every 4 days is just revolting.

Original poster
AuntLucyInPeru · 09/02/2013 21:26

BTW hope you feel better tomorrow chablislover

OP posts:
AlfalfaMum · 09/02/2013 21:27

One theory might be that your H is killing your libido with his controlling attitude to sex/your body.

WireCatWhore · 09/02/2013 21:27

So long as you a both in the same page with regarding your sex like then that's fine. But him sulking when you don't want it is not on.

TravelinColour · 09/02/2013 21:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ChablisLover · 09/02/2013 21:31

Auntlucy - thanks

And you are not being unreasonable to say no to sex for no particular reason

The other party should accept this without sulking

But i hear this can happen in some relationships but I don't have this either though

My dh huffs quietly though - quiet disappointment he says.

I do prefer spontaneous sex rather than this pencil you in for date night. It's much better.

Hatpin · 09/02/2013 21:39

Well you have my solidarity because I put up with someone not unlike this for 15 years and it never got any better. It killed everything I ever felt for him stone dead, eventually.

When I wake up at weekends knowing I haven't got to endure a day of sulking because I didn't fancy sex I still do a silent high 5 and a little whoop inside :)

catladycourtney1 · 09/02/2013 21:39

Do you have any "rules" of your own? I'm guessing not.

mcmooncup · 09/02/2013 21:40

Me too hatpin

The relieve is immense

kalidanger · 09/02/2013 21:41

Sorry Lucy. I have also been in the receiving end of a massive sulk and actual sleep on sofa then walk out the next day Hmm I was asleep early, he made moves and I sort of inadvertently elbowed him off as I wasn't even awake. I would have wanted to dtd if I was awake Hmm I didn't deal with it at all and had him back when it was another red flag on top of quite a few

Ways to deal with a sulk? Hmm. Give in? Grovelly apology and explanation and promise you'll do it tomorrow? Sit down proper talk about how it's utter bullshit? Row? Sulk back? Chalk it up to experience and do it on Wednesday instead?

Hassled · 09/02/2013 21:45

116 posts here - and the vast, vast majority are variations of a "fucking hell, I'm glad I'm not you" theme. That's how bizarre your DH's demands are. I hope it gives you some perspective, and maybe the strength to deal with it. The best of luck.

flippingflup · 09/02/2013 21:49

Lol @ flask and sandwiches!
How to handle the strop: ignore tonight, then when he wants to ask about YOUR libido problem tomorrow, tell it to him straight. It is his problem: coercive, unspontaneous sex wrecks libidos, especially in high heels and wihout a tea break. Maybe your libido needs him to dress up in high heels and full make-up. Maybe it needs a tea and biscuit break scheduled at the half hour point. Arse.

SorryMyLollipop · 09/02/2013 21:50

this

Lueji · 09/02/2013 21:54

And direct him here

:o

Valpollicella · 09/02/2013 21:56

Is your DH Christian Grey?

Sorry, I know thats a flippant thing to say but really? You HAVE to have sex EVERY 4 days? WTF

Bobbybird40 · 09/02/2013 22:00

Sounds like a teenager OP. needy fucker.

HecateWhoopass · 09/02/2013 22:01

what would happen if you told him that in order for you to want sex with him, he must be showered and shaved and wearing a tux and begin proceedings by serenading you? Grin

I'm only half joking here. It's not normal to want Fantasy You all the time. Perfect you. You're a real woman. He isn't attracted to just got out of bed you? Or fallen into bed with your socks still on you? Or knackered from a day with the kids but fancy a quicky you? Or barefaced just from a hot bath you?

Just full make up and stockings and stuff?

I am not the world's leading expert on sex Grin but is that not a fetish? When someone cannot or will not perform sexually unless their specific and unchanging criteria are met?

Like sniffing shoes or dressing in rubber or wearing marigolds or something.

Granted, as fetishes go, I've read of worse Grin but if he is so rigid about it, it's a bit odd, don't you think?

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 09/02/2013 22:09

I am objecting, and referring to the collective wisdom of mumsnet for how to get him to bloody relax about it!

You can't get HIM to do anything. Only he can do that.

The only person whose behaviour you can control is your own. Your options are endless: give in to his sulking, have umpteen talks with him where you try to get your point across, throw him out for being a controlling twat with sexual issues and no understanding for the fact that his wife is a human being and not a dress-up doll...

What do YOU want to do for your OWN self? That's the only thing you can act on. What he does, how he reacts to you, is entirely down to him (and to his massive issues...). You can't change him. If he wants to change, it will have to come from him. There's nothing you can do about that.

clam · 09/02/2013 22:13

So, supposing you withstand his sulks tonight (if he wakes up), what happens tomorrow? The post-mortem discussing your apparent lack of libido, of course, but will the sulks resume tomorrow night, and Monday, and every night until you agree to sex on his terms?

This would be a complete and utter deal-breaker for me. I know you're not asking for sympathy, but here's a shed-load of it anyway. Brew

badinage · 09/02/2013 22:15

Nowt wrong with sex that lasts an hour, as long as it's good.

Plenty wrong when it's this scheduled and has to follow a rule book which seems to involve masses of effort on your part and a bit of shower gel (or washing up liquid Grin on his).

Sulking's a right bloody turn off too.

As are endless post-mortems.

Doesn't he realise that even kinky shit, if it's got to be like that every time is just.....boring?

Aren't you bored with this regime?

I think this is a cock-waving power trip myself.

I don't think he wanted sex tonight either, so it's no surprise he's pushing up the zeds now.

I do think he wanted to blame you for not wanting the sex that he didn't want himself.....

Why might he want to do that, do you think?

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