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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going to visit H this weekend - give me strength!

76 replies

BrittaPerry · 07/02/2013 17:35

I've recently split with H and am staying with my parents 200 miles away. This weekend I am taking the kids to see him, but staying in his spare room so I can pack some of my stuff and get stuff sorted out. I also want to be there in case anything goes wrong as the kids aren't used to just being looked after by him.

He is controlling and manipulative, but I know I will end up feeling sorry for him - it has taken me months to pluck up the courage to leave in the first place. I am planning to basically be out all day and do packing then go to sleep at night in the spare room.

I'm worried he will manipulate me into staying with him just because it is easier to not argue. I have been so unhappy the last few months and he has refused to acknowledge that in any way, blaming me for not liking him going out getting off his face drunk or spending money on 'ridiculous' things like pyjamas for the kids and grit for the icy path.

He's a good man, just a twatty husband. I've been so relieved since I told him it is over. I'm worried he will browbeat me into staying with him or doing something ridiculous regarding money etc. Give me strength!

OP posts:
kalidanger · 07/02/2013 17:40

Oh op. van you stay in a nearby b&b or Travelodge instead?

kalidanger · 07/02/2013 17:41

Can't*

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 07/02/2013 17:45

I have been thinking about that. He lives near a city that has youth hostels etc, so maybe I could stay at one of them. That could be fairly cheap.

One of the issues was that he didn't want to even consider moving back o where we first lived, where I know people. Over here I have five or six places I could ring right now and they would let me stay on their sofa. Over there, nobody.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 07/02/2013 17:50

I think you have to avoid him tbh. Stay in the hostel. You'll be on hand for DCs and can turn up in the morning, refreshed and ready for packing. Be brisk, load the car. Get it all done by popping in, not being trapped under his roof.

kalidanger · 07/02/2013 18:01

Actually, sorry Brittaperry I'm being very practical but if you want to talk about dealing with an EA (?) XH maybe look at the EA thread Smile

Charbon · 07/02/2013 18:05

Looking to the future, unless you're going to apply for supervised contact only when he sees the DCs, he will have to parent the children alone from now on. In fairness, the children also have the right to see their father on their own and always being 'on hand' could be alterbatively viewed as 'interfering in and micro-managing the father-child relationship'.

So start as you mean to go on and don't stay in his home. Have as little contact as possible with him and regard your trip as simply being about the retrieval of your things.

kalidanger · 07/02/2013 18:27

And if you're worried about finances, get a solicitor. Seems like you're trying to be 'civilised' (offers to stay with him, all friendly etc) but solicitors help the friendliness by keeping it all official.

lemonstartree · 07/02/2013 18:31

so you moved ? despite the fact that it means your ex will hardly ever see the children ?

Nice. Hmm

Why did you ask for advice when you had clearly made up your mind that what was good for you was what was going to happen?

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 07/02/2013 19:32

Errr...where did I say he will hardly see the children?

And, er, ask for advice? Yeah.

I'm confused by your post.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 07/02/2013 19:37

I'm just a bit concerned that his emotions seem a bit extreme at the moment. Once he calms down I will be a lot happier leaving the kids with him, but his texts and facebook posts are all over the place.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 07/02/2013 19:54

Have you seen a solicitor about everything?

His posts being 'all over the place' are designed to unsettle you. Start detaching.

fiventhree · 07/02/2013 22:09

I think also you have to ask yourself why you are worried about trusting yourself. You know what you want. And it isn't him.

Why is he so magic? Clearly he isn't?

Why are you worried about your own potential weakness ? That is the issue for you to resolve so that you are confident that you are beyond manipulation

Lueji · 07/02/2013 22:28

If he's all over the place then I'd postpone the visit.
Not sure I'd want the children (and me) sucked into a big mess.

Hissy · 07/02/2013 23:04

1: stop the Facebook thing. You don't need to know his every movement, nor he yours.

2: stay somewhere away from his home, stay safe. This could be potentially the most dangerous time, especially given his posts/texts.

R: do you really need the stuff at the house? If not, ditch it. It's not worth it.

You have the right to safety, if that means moving away, so be it.

Ultimately, if he is not prepared to treat you properly, then he has no access to you. Your DC have a right to a relationship with their dad, AS LONG AS it's healthy and good for them.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 08/02/2013 08:44

Right, I've done a hotel search. I can get a bed in a hostel tonight for £10, or a hotel for £25. I need a good nights sleep so I think I'll pay the extra for the hotel. Question is, do I pay the extra £4 on top of that for a private toilet?

OP posts:
kalidanger · 08/02/2013 08:57

Yes of course you pay it!

Are you OK? Got real life people to confide in?

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 08/02/2013 09:01

Yeah, I told my mum last night about how he behaves, and she was trying to to influence me but I could see how annoyed she was. Why on earth am I embarrassed about being married to a twat?

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 08/02/2013 09:02

Oh, and I have some amazing IRL friends too who I can facebook if needs be.

OP posts:
AgathaF · 08/02/2013 12:04

Can you take someone with you when you collect your belongings?

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 08/02/2013 23:53

So...here I am, in a hotel bed (complete with plastic mattress, I don't even want to think why) in a cheap hotel, crying :-(

I just went to the pictures to see les mis, and it gave me the chance to do some 'acceptable' crying, but I keep just thinking that H would like it.

I've thought of a way to put it to him though, that will appeal to his sensitivities and is also true. We just can't be together because we hurt each other too much :-(

It was so amazing when we first got together - we basically were drunk and fucking the entire time, with breaks to go and do arty amazing things :-). Totally irresponsible and great fun, reading poetry as the sun rose etc. then what happens when two irresponsible people fuck a lot happens and I got pregnant. Then a couple of years later we wanted dd1 to have a close sister, and we did it again. Both times we had unprotected sex once, we took it as a cosmic sign of some kind.

Both the DDs are absolute superstars - they are going to change the world - but we had to do a lot of changing very quickly, and our relationship really wasn't thatbtype of relationship. It was a Scott and Zelda, Sid and Nancy, Kurt and Courtney thing, or at leastit was in our heads. (In reality there was a lot of drunkeness, mental illness, emotional abuse and melodrama)

Yes, he has been an absolute twat at times, but I stayed with him, thinking it was us against the world, and the more twatty he was the more it fuelled that. I'm bipolar and being with someone like him suited that, and we lurched from mad passionate crazy outrageous infatuation to despair. Every time he did something majorly twatty it would set me off, and the little bits of twattery kept me confused and downtrodden enough to stay.

Now, though, I've got my mental state under control, and I'm growing up. I want security. My kids need security. Me and DH have had too many last chances. It seems wrong that t is when he isn't actually being too bad, but I have built up the strength now and I can see that I need to leave.

So why am I so upset?

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 09/02/2013 00:02

That kind of relationship is difficult to let go of...but you know you are doing the right thing. You are crying for the life you thought you were going to have, not for anything that your ex can provide in reality. Hang on in there. You're doing well so far. Good luck.

duffybeatmetoit · 09/02/2013 00:08

lemon perhaps the OP moved away to to her parents because she had nowhere else to go?

OP - trusting your XH with the children is probably the hardest thing to have to do but you don't have any choice. I would try to limit your time with him - do you really need the stuff at his house? I would get hold of as much paperwork as you can if you left in a hurry.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 00:12

:-(

I just feel like getting a taxi over and crying at him. If something upsets me this much he is who I cry on (unless it is him that upset me, in which case for some reason I am too ashamed to tell anyone except mumsnet and my best friend on the internet)

I feel awful that he has had to go on antidepressants this week. Although I suppose his behaviour has made my mental health worse (I don't think he caused the problems, but he has definitely triggered relapses) and I have been hospitalised and had pretty much every type of psychiatric drug there is, and have the permanent harm to show it - antidepressants are small fry.

What will I say o his parents?

OP posts:
duffybeatmetoit · 09/02/2013 00:30

If you are bad for each other's health perhaps his parents will be supportive of you leaving - I assume that they are aware of the problems you've both had

Lovingfreedom · 09/02/2013 00:42

It's too late to go anywhere tonight. Make a list of all the horrible and manipulative things he does or has done to you and read your original post. Then go to bed. In the morning firstly congratulate yourself for not calling the cab....then 're-read the list and your post and decide from there what you want to do next.