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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going to visit H this weekend - give me strength!

76 replies

BrittaPerry · 07/02/2013 17:35

I've recently split with H and am staying with my parents 200 miles away. This weekend I am taking the kids to see him, but staying in his spare room so I can pack some of my stuff and get stuff sorted out. I also want to be there in case anything goes wrong as the kids aren't used to just being looked after by him.

He is controlling and manipulative, but I know I will end up feeling sorry for him - it has taken me months to pluck up the courage to leave in the first place. I am planning to basically be out all day and do packing then go to sleep at night in the spare room.

I'm worried he will manipulate me into staying with him just because it is easier to not argue. I have been so unhappy the last few months and he has refused to acknowledge that in any way, blaming me for not liking him going out getting off his face drunk or spending money on 'ridiculous' things like pyjamas for the kids and grit for the icy path.

He's a good man, just a twatty husband. I've been so relieved since I told him it is over. I'm worried he will browbeat me into staying with him or doing something ridiculous regarding money etc. Give me strength!

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 09:18

Hardly slept. Feel hungover despite not having alcohol. He posted the same kind of thing on facebook. I'm keeping bright and breezy on facebook.

Tonight the kids are going to is parents and I am going home to his house to discuss things and sleep.

Need to cheer myself up and focus on the future - where is a good bright and cheap house stuff shop in newcastle? I can't buy anything, but that is for practical reasons and not because H won't like it, so browsing might help.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 09:24

You need to disengage, take him off FB etc.

Sorry you are finding it hard but you can practise not thinking about him and it will get easier.

Lovingfreedom · 09/02/2013 09:26

Agree re Facebook. My ex blocked for for saying I'd fallen in love with a pair of shoes but that's another story and I felt better for it

Lovingfreedom · 09/02/2013 09:28

....but hey...Well done for not going over last night...that is another hurdle over. Window shopping at the metro centre? Or Ikea of course!!

Doha · 09/02/2013 09:30

I almost sounds as if you are enjoying the drama OP. Why are you staying over at the house tonight. ARe you secretly hoping he will fall on his knees and beg for one last chance.
You do not need o go to the house to talk thinds overgo to the pub or for something to eat--too many emotions are tied p in the house you shared.

And for goodness sake get of FB how old are you both 14?????

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 09:31

I want to keep him on fb, his parents are on too because I am one of those annoying people who mostly posts about the kids and/or politics. I don't really use it as a close friends thing. I also use it as my main method of communication.

He is the opposite, because he has twitter for random people.

OP posts:
kalidanger · 09/02/2013 09:33

Forgive me but whenever I feel/act like you seem to be (asking a million questions about every single thing; £4 for an en suite?? Shops in Newcastle?? What to say?? What to put on FB??) I just know I need to calm the fuck down! Please breathe and chill out. And don't think the one perfect sentence you've rehearsed in your head to make him understand once and for all what you've done to each other probably won't go down terrible well.

Be brisk And good luck for today Thanks

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 09:34

I can't afford another night in the hotel or train home, and I pay the rent on that house atm. And all the bills.

That needs sorting out I think. He only has just over £100 a week wages, and the rent is £600 a month and we are both liable till April, so I have to pay that.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2013 09:38

Hold onto the fact that the relationship is harmful to you and therefore the dc, "it's not what is best for the girls seeing me on a cycle of being so ill" and repeat ad nauseum. You need emotional stability and he can't give you that.

Indith · 09/02/2013 09:38

Just seen this. Very sorry my dear, much strength to you. And you know if you'd have posted on the meet up thread you'd have had plenty of offers of support or a bed for the night.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 09:42

You don't have to pay it, you both have to pay it. So roughly £300 each?

Why do you need him on FB? You don't, you just don't want to create distance.

I am sorry it is hard breaking up but you can take steps to help yourself.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 09:43

Thanks Indith :-).

On the bright side, on the weekend I have to start clearing the house, free listing weekend on ebay!

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 09:45

Rent is £600, council tax £100, energy £130, water £40, virgin media £40, tv licence £13.

I don't think he even knows those numbers.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 09:50

I keep thinking of the fact that I don't want to model this kind of relationship to my girls. How would I feel if I found out someone was treating them like this?

Also, a friend pointed something out - even if he does convince me that he hasn't been horrible (he is an expert gaslighter) then I am allowed to leave just because I am unhappy. That is enough by itself. People leave lovely men because they are unhappy, and they are allowed. A marriage needs both people to be happy, that isn't something like wallpaper that can be compromised on.

OP posts:
RandomMess · 09/02/2013 09:54

Well I'd stop the virgin media now, has he applied for single occupancy on the council tax you get a 25% discount. I'd move the TV licence to where you are now and let him buy his own!

Indith · 09/02/2013 09:56

"A marriage needs both people to be happy"

Very true. I know 2 lovely, lovely people getting divorced at the moment. It just went wrong for them and they are both moving to happier places. Neither of them is evil, manipulative or abusive. It just didn't work.

You will be OK, you can rebuild surrounded by friends and support.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 10:00

Well, write the numbers down and give him them. 50/50 Is fair.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 10:20

He can't afford 50% though.

Although, actually, how fo single men manage? It must be possible. Maybe he can claim benefits of some kind.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 10:21

Most people work and most people if not in high paid work share flats. I did when single.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 10:24

You said he earns £100 per week? So he is working.

If you are separated, it isn't really your problem, but if he is already working plus is now a single man, he could get an evening job or something.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 10:28

Yeah actually, our house is four beds, so one room would be, what, £50 a week, bills in? So he could afford a house share.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 10:31

I used to earn £50 for a night shift when I worked in care. Bet he could find that kind of work if he doesn't have the kids to deal with. In fact, now I think of it, he has a friend who does exactly that. Long hours when he doesn't have the kids, then he can have time off when his kids are with him.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 10:39

I would suggest he can't go into a random house share as he will be wanting kids to stay.

I'll be honest, this sounds very chaotic to me. Why have you left a single man in a 4 bed house then you're saying you need to support him?

He needs to support himself, you support yourself. You work out how to support kids between you.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 10:48

I can't stay in the area. We need to pay rent on the house till April, so it makes sense for him to stay there till then.

OP posts:
Indith · 09/02/2013 10:48

he can get a job like the adult he is. while he is looking for something with mire hours or that pays more he can apply for income support and housing benefit just like many other people. he can go without luxury things like paid for tv just like the rest of who can't afford virgin etc. he will manage. when circumstances change you adapt, you cut your cloth.