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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Going to visit H this weekend - give me strength!

76 replies

BrittaPerry · 07/02/2013 17:35

I've recently split with H and am staying with my parents 200 miles away. This weekend I am taking the kids to see him, but staying in his spare room so I can pack some of my stuff and get stuff sorted out. I also want to be there in case anything goes wrong as the kids aren't used to just being looked after by him.

He is controlling and manipulative, but I know I will end up feeling sorry for him - it has taken me months to pluck up the courage to leave in the first place. I am planning to basically be out all day and do packing then go to sleep at night in the spare room.

I'm worried he will manipulate me into staying with him just because it is easier to not argue. I have been so unhappy the last few months and he has refused to acknowledge that in any way, blaming me for not liking him going out getting off his face drunk or spending money on 'ridiculous' things like pyjamas for the kids and grit for the icy path.

He's a good man, just a twatty husband. I've been so relieved since I told him it is over. I'm worried he will browbeat me into staying with him or doing something ridiculous regarding money etc. Give me strength!

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 10:49

It is mostly internet that the virgin media bill is for. Internet and phone.

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 11:02

It sounds like you are way too wrapped up in him.

Grown ups leave and grown ups take care of themselves. He s a grown up single man. Tell him he needs to find more money.

Get him off your FB. Stop talking to him. Fix dates for kids to see him. Make a vow never to sleep in that house. Move on. Itis horribly hard but it can be done.

Indith · 09/02/2013 11:14

I realise it covers phone etc but there are cheaper deals out there. I am not a totally ruthless person to say you can't have internet etc as I know it can help mental health to be able to stay in touch with people and also it is pretty vital these days for job hunting but you can still cut back. You are pretty financially savvy but it sounds as though he isn't. You need to hold back and let him discover what things cost for himself and work out what he is entitled to and how to cope.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 11:18

I am not ruthless either And would also list Internet as very important but to be blunt, when you split there are two households so either more money must come in or less must go out.

ihearsounds · 09/02/2013 11:33

He either needs to talk to ll about breaking the contract early. Contact hb and make a claim based on his income. Or get some lodgers in until April. He also has to go and see cab to see if he can get any financial support, until he can improve his financial situation. You support him now, then in April he will expect you to continue with this

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 12:32

I am legally liable for the rent though. If he doesn't pay it, I am liable for the full amount.

I'm not sure if it is one more payment or two, it is paid in advance, so February was paid for at the end of January, if that makes sense. I need to get to the contract to see if the next payment (at the end of this month) takes us to the end of march and there fore we can leave before April starts or if we need to pay till the end of April, if that makes sense. Either way it isn't very far away. There is the deposit too, but his Dad gave us that so really H can have it.

I'm really hoping he moves to my town, as he was planning when we were together. That would make things loads better for the kids. He is saying there is no point if it doesn't mean he can have me back.

I'm not randomly asking him to move to a new place, btw. He spent more than 15 years there and has loads of friends there. Unemployment levels are also dramatically lower and rents are cheaper as it is a university town where student numbers have dropped. He can afford a flat there ten minutes walk from town that would be good for the kids, and he could have them loads more - they are home educated, so his access is only limited by his shifts at whatever job he gets (I could also work if the kids were with him more). It isn't like my parents would be breathing down his neck either - where he lives mow his parents are ten minutes walk away, in the area where I want to live my parents are twenty minutes on the bus away.

I'm just wandering around the city centre trying not to cry atm :-(

On the plus side, the only time I have felt like this is when I split with my only other ex. So I must be accepting it now.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 12:35

He has the accent of my home town fgs. Or at least he doesn't have the (very distinctive) accent if his home area. He can speak in Geordie if he wants, and so can the kids, but their 'first language' is Lancashire. Sounds weird, but it really is like they speak two languages - different accents and words and even facial movements. I have what is apparently a comedy strong Lancashire accent :-)

OP posts:
YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 12:37

Well, propose an agreement to pay 50% each and deal with it if he doesn't. You can take back what he doesn't pay out of the deposit.

Don't start with 'I'll pay everything while you put your feet up', that's just silly.

Get your name off all household bills.

Keep out of his untrue living arrangements, pointless getting involved.

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 12:37

Future not untrue!

fuzzpig · 09/02/2013 12:44

Oh love.

Just wanted to say you are totally doing the right thing - and what you said about your lovely girls not growing up around bad relationships, that is what you need to cling to. Every time he says something manipulative (and he will) just think to yourself "if some guy said that to my DD, what would I tell her?"

And you are allowed to grieve - however much this is the right thing to do, it still hurts. xxx

Indith · 09/02/2013 12:48

I'd ring the landlord and tell him you are moved out so he knows. Pay until the end of the contract as it is not long and you are liable so it will just be a whole load less stress to do it but make sure the landlord knows that you are out and have no plans to extend the contract.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 12:48

I keep remembering my mums lips getting tighter and tighter as she kept repeating 'its your marriage, I don't want to influence your choices, you need to look after yourself and your girls, but if there is anything I can do to help...'

Also, the reaction of some mutual friends when I told them that it was going wrong. Straight away they said 'can you not cope with his anger and drinkng any more?' I hadn't even given a reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 12:52

Oh, and even when we first got together, someone who knows his ex said something like 'he must be amazing in bed, the way he treats his girlfriends'

OMG. I just remembered. Someone actually wrote a SONG to that effect as a WEDDING PRESENT for his first wedding. I didn't know him at the time,but I knew the song and I only found out later on it was about him. (Looking back, it was bloody obvious, the song name is the name of his ex ffs)

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 12:53

It was a good song too.

OP posts:
NeverBeenToMe · 09/02/2013 13:07

How do you know he's on anti-d's? If it was on Facebook I would imagine it was designed for you to see and to mess with your head.
You need to detach, detach, and when you've detached, detach some more. Easier said than done, I do know that, but he is your ex for a reason. It is easy to fall into old thought patterns, thats how our brains work, they don't like change, but you have to keep focused on your life without him. Use mn as your support for now, or friends in real life. Your life is on a new track now and he is not part of your train Smile

RandomMess · 09/02/2013 13:23

Can I just point out he can live without internet and phone - if he wants them he pays for them...

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 16:42

He has gone out, and I am in the house now. He is staying at his parents house overnight with the kids.

So...what now?

OP posts:
fuzzpig · 09/02/2013 17:13

Enjoy having the place to yourself, upbeat music on really loud, and sort through your stuff :)

Doha · 09/02/2013 17:17

Star packing

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 17:36

I'm just overwhelmed by it all :-(
I've read the electricity and gas meters, and sent that to eon, and asked for a new bill.

I need to know what he wants to do about the virgin media etc - whether I should transfer it to him or just stop the account entirely

I need to find the tenancy contract

I need to gather together my personal stuff and the important bits of the kids stuff

I'm wondering if I should ask my dad to hire a van to come and pick up my stuff, my issue being that I don't really have anywhere to store it apart from my bedroom there and it seems daft when I am still paying rent on a four bedroom house.

I need to find the documents for my income support claim

I need to list stuff to sell on ebay/facebook with pickup or postage in the next two days (although I do think H can be trusted if I do the legwork and he just has to be in for collection or take stuff to the post office)

I need to do sums based on any paperwork I can find, to work out what needs paying by each of us.

I don't want to be doing any of this :-(

OP posts:
kalidanger · 09/02/2013 17:51

God, this is all backwards Hmm Stick your stuff in one of the bedrooms YOU are paying for and colkect it in April. Pack up the stuff the kids want, find the tenancy agreement and get the fuck out of there.

Focus!

YellowAndGreenAndRedAndBlue · 09/02/2013 19:49

Don't involve him in ebaying, it means masses more contact which will just mess with your head.

Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 19:59

I'm so sad :-(

Although, I did go wandering around wilkinsons etc today and looked at all the lovely house things I can buy now. If I want a silly colourful iron, I can get one, even if it isn't the cheapest - I can just save up!

OP posts:
Original poster
BrittaPerry · 09/02/2013 23:16

Dividing up the books. Feel like an awful person. All the poetry and the politics.

I keep thinking it would just be easier to stay together, but I suppose this is the heard bit now, and soon I'll have an easier life where H is a good friend and co parent who can no longer shout at me or make me cry.

OP posts:
Indith · 10/02/2013 08:47

how are you this morning?

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