i know its the wrong place...

[princesskc]

But I need advice.
My h punched a whole in the wall earlier, this comes after he destroyed a blanket box a few weeks ago and the bin has a dent in it from where he kicked it. He's always had a short fuse but never done anything like this before, it started about 6 months ago with the bin. So I'm sat awake downstairs and he's fast asleep, I've got all kinds of things running through my head. What do I do next?

This is a tricky one. Has he done anything that might suggest he's likely to be violent towards you (or your children or pets or others)? Some people start off with inanimate objects, but as their anger problem progresses they can move onto people. It's also arguably a form of abuse in itself, as it can be very intimidating to watch (and he's also destroying your property, or at least your shared property). He really needs to get help now, do you think you could bring it up without him getting angry? What is it that starts him off?

Has he been drinking? I know it doesn't excuse it but some people do get violent after a few.
I would not tolerate that sort of behavior - (easier said than done I know) and would be expecting a proper apology and the guarantee that it will not be repeated. Although, you've written about prior aggression.
You could try reposting or asking for this to be moved to relationships.

Are you ok op? I'm slightly concerned you posted this awake 20 minutes ago & have not come back. What's he like generally? Are we talking a usually mild mannered man who occasionally loses it or someone who's regularly emotionally or verbally abusive? X

I'm ok I think, I grew up in an abusive household and never thought he'd do this as he knows all about it and that its the 1 thing that scares me. He said sorry and it won't happen again but ge said that a few weeks ago. I told him he needs to get help and he said I push him away when he needs me and he's angry at him not me. I try to be supportive but its been a rough year and sometimes I struggle to manage the day for me and the kids... Just want to run away right now.

Sorry if I don't reply any more tonight, on my phone and battery nearly drained charger upstairs and I'm not ready to go up yet. Thanks for replying x

Wow, this is a really tough one. I guess talking to him about how his behaviour makes you feel or insisting he gets help could be a way forward. But please get yourself out of there if he ever shows signs of being violent towards you. Big hugs. X

Spot on advice Yorkshire.

I think you need to find out if there is anything worrying him that he hasn't told you about. Sometimes men bottle things up (financial worries etc) because they want to protect us and then it gets a bit too much. They aren't good at showing their feelings and frustration can boil over and they want to lash out. Talk to him about how you feel and see if there is anything underlying these episodes. Even things like doing exercise can really help, we bought a drum kit for my teenage son so he had something he could hit without doing any damage, or a boxing bag, my own DH goes cycling and running just for a break. (and yes, my own wall has had 3 holes punchd in it, by my DH and 2 of my DS's at various times). Obviously I can't speak for your situation, but just because someone hits an inanimate object it doesn't necessarily mean they are going to turn on you or your children. Just be aware that it needs to be addressed and talk to him.

Hi there,

We've moved this thread to relationships now.

Unfortunately, violence towards inanimate objects is very often just the start of violence towards you/children.

Does he do this at work? Down the pub? In the street? If not, then he's quite capable of controlling himself.

You can try nipping this in the bud by insisting that he gets help now and that he removes himself from the house until he has learnt to behave like a responsible grown up; or you can wait and see if he's just an abusive fuckwit who will destroy your life.

Growing up in an abusive household, much as you hated it, will have lowered your threshold for acceptable behaviour. I suspect your husband has been acting in unacceptable ways well before the period of violence against objects that started 6 months ago. You say he's always had a "short fuse".

Such displays of aggression, even if they are not directly aimed at you, will still have the effect of controlling you through fear. You are more likely to walk on eggshells and modify your behaviour in order not to awaken his anger now. And that is no way to live.

Either he fully recognises that his behaviour is unacceptable, and takes active steps to understand why he behaves this way and fix it. Or he minimises the effect of his behaviour on you, posisbly even tries to pin the blame on you, and feels entitled to behave this way, because it suits him - in which case you will know he is an abusive fuckwit.

In that case, you need to seek help to plan your exit.

Thank you for all the replies the children and I stayed with friends last night, home now he's admitted he needs help but waiting to see if he actually does anything about it I've given him a time frame because its not something I'm prepared to put my children through. Thanks again x

Good luck, princess. You deserve the best. Don't forget it.